Am I in the wrong? Or is my DH a massive dick?

[oceantides]

We have a 7 month old baby. DH usually works full time, but is currently furloughed. I’m currently on maternity leave. Before covid-19 I was home alone pretty much 6 days a week due to his shift work. I look after our DS full time, cook, clean, keep house etc. I don’t mind doing this. But I never seem to get a break. DH conveniently needs the toilet 4 million times a day for what seems like hours on end when he’s home/has a day off. He always seems to slack off from doing things and it’s always me who seems to pick the pieces up. I get up with our DS when DH leaves for work, and I don’t stop until he’s in bed. DH comes home when DS is in bed. If DH came home before DS was in bed he would never say oh give him to me for half an hour whilst you get yourself a drink, or just have five minutes. It’s always put on me.

Now this is what has got my back up.

He is currently working on our garden, fine. He said it may take l a couple of days because there’s a lot of work, also fine. I’ll watch DS as usual whilst this happens. I explained I didn’t mind him doing the garden because it needs doing but it would be nice for him to give me an hour where possible after he’s been outside baby free all day. This caused an argument. He argued he is doing the work for us, and he’s not having a ‘holiday day’ and why should I get a free hour after he’s been doing manual labour all day? Whose in the wrong please? I’m always made out to be the bad person because I’d like five minutes to myself sometimes, is that wrong?

I see other couples split baby time, my close friend has said her DH will come home from working all day and will give her a little time to herself. I’m not asking much. Is this normal? Or is my DH just a massive dick?

You know what you should say? OK dont worry, I'll do the garden and you can look after the little one! If give it 2 hours before he then realised how hard it is 😂

It won’t change OP. When you go back to work, you’ll be fitting your hours around his and you will do all the drop offs and collections and you will be the one who has to take time off when DC is ill and arrange holiday clubs then doing the shopping and cleaning and everything else while he has two lie ins at the weekends. He will not do anything resembling parenting because he has been At Work so needs his downtime. He will need to be able to use weekends for some Me Time as he has to be At Work the next week. He’ll probably have hobbies that keep him from parenting, if he doesn’t have them already he’ll get some. He doesn’t need to do any parenting because you do it because you’re not selfish, negligent and useless. Your resentment towards him will probably grow and at some point you’ll probably no longer be attracted to him.

Wow, thank you for all the replies. It's really opened my eyes. I deserve a break, much the same as he does. I'm going to speak to him. I can't live like this anymore. He is brilliant in lots of other aspects but that neither excuses or makes up from the fact I feel like a single parent sometimes. And no, my job can't be WFH, I'm a key worker when I return so no option there.

Grumpos said everything I wanted to say perfectly. You're married to a selfish arsehole and when this Covid shit show is over I would divorce him because he does not give a tiny shit about you or your well-being.

Why settle for that for life?

He knows exactly how hard it is to look after your kid all day which is why he's so reluctant to do it. I'd take him out a nice sandwich and a cup of tea, complement his work and then half hour later tell him that the baby needs his lunch and you need to go to the supermarket for X.

If he gives you any shit about it, his argument that he needs a break as much as you will be gone and he'll have to be honest that he doesnt want to be either a parent or a partner

It's as if he doesn't realise how hard it is being stuck in the house with a baby all day, everyday when he's at work. DS was a very colicky newborn and I was exhausted from the endless crying all day but I never even got a break then. DS is super happy, and chill now but it's still hard on my own all day. It's like he doesn't understand how mentally draining it can be. And then I feel guilty on DS if I just plonked him with DH because I'd no doubt here DS crying and I'd go and get him. I feel so weak.

I'm glad this thread has helped OP. It's easy to get into the habit of diminishing your own needs when your baby is small, but you are not any less important than your husband and deserve to have your own needs met too.

If he can't handle that, then he is the one at fault. Good fathers WANT to spend time with their kids, good husbands want to care for their wives.

Sorry x-post

I think he does understand it's hard, that's why he doesn't want to do it.

Our health visitor said, when I complained that my DH never changed a nappy ''Men don't really seem to like babies..they much prefer it when the child can do things and be ''fun''....I thought she was being hopelessly old fashioned, but it does seem to have a grain of truth in it.
Can the baby not be alongside your DH in the garden? As long as there are no ponds, and securely fenced it should be safe for him to keep an eye on the baby, unless he ious doing heavy landscaping...but a bit of weeding, pruning...that shouldn't be too taxing.

As a man, having been in this situation myself i think hes incredibly selfish. if you equate your daily work with his, you both need to look after your son as a joint responsibility when he gets home/stops working. Its not solely your responsibility. does he not even want to spend time with his son?
you should start to tell him (after lockdown) your going out with your friends on a friday and having a lie in on saturday. you deserve a rest and break too. looking after kids is way harder than people realise if they dont do it.
start going off shopping for the day and leaving your son with yur husband. he then might get a glipse of how hard it actually is!

It's very possible he genuinely doesn't realise how hard it is - I certainly didn't have any idea before I had kids. The only way to show that is to let him discover it for himself.

Would you be up for a bit of gardening? Tell him you'll tag team him in the afternoon.

So, how come looking after his own baby is another chore for him, yet for you it's apparently a piece of cake?
And if it's in the category of a chore in his book, how come it's OK for you to be expected to do it 24/7
Any reason why you can't do the garden work and swap with him?

It's as if he doesn't realise how hard it is being stuck in the house with a baby all day

Oh he does. That's why he didn't even want to do it for a second.

Now, your DS is easier, but of course it's still relentless.

Your DH is now not only still selfish, but so out of the loop as a result of it that he doesn't even realise that now he's actually missing out on the good bits too.

But - it doesn't matter. A nice person who had just had a child would - quite simply - want to get to know, and love, that child. Want to spend time with them. That's before you even get to the bit about wanting to give your own partner a break (because absolutely everyone in the world knows that being with a baby all day every day is tough).

He's a dick. Not only selfish but such a fucking black hole of a personality that he literally has no interest in building a relationship with his own child.

Don't push information like this to the back of your mind - it's really important stuff. Let your eyes get opened.

It was worse being with a feckless non helping other parent than being a single parent. The resentment of seeing them do nothing is way worse...

When this lockdown is over you need to book a day with your family/friends and leave the baby and a list of what you’d get done that day with him and see how he copes. Seriously.

Hello @oceantides. Glad to hear you're planning to change things.

I'm going to give your DH the benefit of the doubt for a second, in case he really doesn't understand the strain of having your toddler all day (or at least, doesn't understand it deeply enough). If this is the case, then perhaps you need to do the equivalent of what he's doing - select a household job, and tell him that today you're doing the job and he is having the baby. All day. No breaks. Then do it for a week. If your house is anything like mine in lockdown, there are plenty of jobs which need doing.

This shouldn't be necessary, but could be useful in rebalancing things if we don't want to immediately assume your DH is irrecoverably a dickhead (which he may well not be).

He should want to spend some time with his baby. He should also respect you enough to recognise that you need a break and some time to yourself. Obviously, if he is at work then there is no choice but he is off now so can split the care. Why don't you devise a project that you have to do like painting a room and leave the baby with him the whole day. Otherwise, get a 'migraine' retire to you bed and make him step up.

Plonk him on your dh and take yourself for a very long walk!

I think it is so easy to fall into these roles, and once we have we just expect that is how it will be. The coronavirus has shown up how so many things really are, that we maybe didn't really think were like that - and it's likely to change lots in the future. So maybe you thought you had a fair balance in your relationship, but now it turns out that your other half thought it worked differently.

In your case, OP, it could change the way that you and your other half balance childcare. My advice is: he's telling you how he wants it to be. Make it clear, in no uncertain terms, how you want it to be. From there you should be able to reach a compromise where you can agree a plan between you. Or, if that's not possible just start handing responsibilities over to him from time to time and do it more by stealth. Be aware that it may take lots of discussions - try not to let them become arguments.

But I think you have a real chance to reset the way it works now, when your DC is seven months, in a way that could really help in the future - and with any future kids as well.

I'm a bloke. And he is being a dick. What's more, he's being a really stupid one. Looking after your kid/s is one of THE best jobs in the world. How is is going to have any kind of mature relationship with his son later in life if he's avoiding him already?

why doesnt he want to spend time with his child? I look forward to seeing my DD when I haven't seen her for an hour or two, let alone all day.

my partner always takes our 6 month old as soon as he gets home so I can take a shower, also wakes up at 4 in the morning sometimes before he has work if shes had a particularly bad night so I can sleep.

your partner needs a kick up the arse - I would stop asking and put him on play mat/bouncer in same room as him and say you are going to make a hot drink/whatever it is you want to do. its just as equally his child

You can garden too. So take it in turns. Nothing in the garden that only he can do. You can do it tooo and bashing weeds is very therapeutic.
So use this time to get him and baby used to each other.

And then I feel guilty on DS if I just plonked him with DH

Why?
He is the baby s dad correct?

because I'd no doubt here DS crying and I'd go and get him.

Dont.
He has to find a way to entertain feed change calm him. Stop getting involved micro managing all the time . If ds cries for 5 minutes so be it. You can manage. So can dh.

I feel so weak.

Dont be. Be strong. Change.

Oh OP, he understands, he knows, he just doesn't care.

So his child grows up and he's never got to know him, so you feel bad about your poor son being left with a man, his father, who knows absolutely nothing about him.

Collicky baby's are so hard and he never gave you a single.

What a truly horrible man you have married.

What a horrible selfish man.

The is no way someone who really loved you, would behave in such a selfish to the core manner, when you were dealing with a crying baby.

He knows well whats involved.
He just doesn't give a damn.

Protect yourself from him OP.

Massive dick. Point out to him that this kind of thing ends marriages. I’ve seen it happen more than once.