Am I in the wrong? Or is my DH a massive dick?

[oceantides]

We have a 7 month old baby. DH usually works full time, but is currently furloughed. I’m currently on maternity leave. Before covid-19 I was home alone pretty much 6 days a week due to his shift work. I look after our DS full time, cook, clean, keep house etc. I don’t mind doing this. But I never seem to get a break. DH conveniently needs the toilet 4 million times a day for what seems like hours on end when he’s home/has a day off. He always seems to slack off from doing things and it’s always me who seems to pick the pieces up. I get up with our DS when DH leaves for work, and I don’t stop until he’s in bed. DH comes home when DS is in bed. If DH came home before DS was in bed he would never say oh give him to me for half an hour whilst you get yourself a drink, or just have five minutes. It’s always put on me.

Now this is what has got my back up.

He is currently working on our garden, fine. He said it may take l a couple of days because there’s a lot of work, also fine. I’ll watch DS as usual whilst this happens. I explained I didn’t mind him doing the garden because it needs doing but it would be nice for him to give me an hour where possible after he’s been outside baby free all day. This caused an argument. He argued he is doing the work for us, and he’s not having a ‘holiday day’ and why should I get a free hour after he’s been doing manual labour all day? Whose in the wrong please? I’m always made out to be the bad person because I’d like five minutes to myself sometimes, is that wrong?

I see other couples split baby time, my close friend has said her DH will come home from working all day and will give her a little time to herself. I’m not asking much. Is this normal? Or is my DH just a massive dick?

He's a massive dick.

Does he ever spend time with the baby?

Agree with pp.

Re hours in the toilet - I bet he's on his phone in there.

Yeah he's a dick.

He's avoiding family responsibility.

That's one massive dick!

For some context. My dh is wfh full time while I have the children on mat leave. He will come out of his office while I am sat watching tv with the toddler and entertaining the baby.... he makes me a cup of tea and goes back to work.. no fussing just does it.

If I am feeding baby he will make us all lunch and tidy up.

In the evening he makes dinner while I sit and feed baby or you know chill out.

This is mainly due to the fact I am awake 1 or 2 times through the night and then trying to entertain 2 children one of which is potty training.

I think you need to go for your hours exercise on your own and he needs to stop being such a bloody baby and realise he has responsibility for the household too. Get him out of the 1950s and drag him into the 2020s

Massive dick vote here too.

Does he not want to be a parent? Does he feel that his responsibility ended when he ejaculated? Because that's what it sounds like.

YOU're the mum, therefore the baby is YOUR job - seems to be what he's saying. Or maybe he doesn't consider the parenting aspect to actually be any kind of hard work?

Either way, massive dick. Hope he has other redeeming features (like LOADS of them)

He's a dick. He has no idea that taking care of the baby means being alert all the time and constantly responsive to the baby. It's an enormous mental burden. The reason he has no idea is that he has never done it.

He thinks you have a nice new toy to play with AND you get leave from work to play with it. Meanwhile he has to keep going with the endless slog and nobody gave him a toy, or time off to play with it.

He's entertaining himself with his phone in the bathroom.

I agree with a PP to leave the baby out in the garden with him. Scuttle back to the house, stick a big note for him on the fridge telling him you are taking your daily free time, and run out the front door. Drive somewhere and spend a few hours even sitting in the car reading. You could have already made yourself some coffee in an insulated mug to take with you...
When you get home the two of you can talk.

So him gardening is for ‘us’ but you looking after a baby 24 hours a day... is time to yourself following your dreams? Have you a big piece of paper? Write looking after OUR baby is also FOR US and doesn’t bloody well stop at 5pm!! Welcome to parenting, youre 7 months late. Plonk sign and baby on grass and say you’re going for a walk and we can talk tonight.

Oh I’m sorry op. I have a 7 month old too and on maternity leave and hubby is wfh in a very demanding job. But he is amazing and goes above and beyond. It must be pretty frustrating to have a partner who does not recognise or appreciate how much you are doing. I am very fortunate as dh has always helped out around the house, even before baby. He is now a very hands on dad and this has made things lighter for me in many ways. I used to have the baby all day and dh would come home and take baby straight away. Giving me time to do whatever. We have been very good at splitting duties equally. There are certain things I manage and certain things he does. But I would say baby related it’s always been very fair, as it should be. It’s hard work and constant, you can’t ever switch off trust me I know. So he needs to pull his weight.

Try to talk to him about how you’re feeling and get him to understand that it’s unfair on you to do everything and not get a break. Hope things improve as it’s hard work and having someone to help or lean on is absolutely essential

Yeah sorry OP he's been a complete dick. We had a baby just before lockdown and my fiance has been furloughed for a couple of weeks now, he has pulled his weight around the house AND with baby. In fact he's been amazing and I will actually be really sad when he finally goes back to work. You need to kick his arse frankly.

Dick.

He's a dick.

Hi OP,

Poor you.

Did he want children?
Because he is clearly behaving as if he doesn't want children.

If he actually wanted a child he would be involved.

Did he ever help in the house?
Because men who don't share chores pre baby, very rarely do afterwards.

Is this who you married?

A guy who has expected you to be maid.
Because he's now also added 24 hour nanny to your role.

Sounds to me as if you haven't got yourself much of a prize there.

This is likely to be your life when you marry and have children with a selfish man, who expects his wife to do everything.

Are you returning to work?
I hope so.

Is your contraception sorted?
I hope so.

Do you have family and friends to support you?
I hope so.

He sounds as if he has shown you exactly who he is.

Not very nice.
Doesn't care about you.
Isn't interested in his child.
Absolutely zero interest in having your back.
Is a very selfish person.

Protect yourself OP.
Highly unlikely you have a happy future with this man ahead of you.

He's a dick
He should want to spend time with his son and parenting is not just your responsibility op

Don't see this changing unless you make it change

Obviously he is a dick but how sad he doesn't want to spend time with his son.

Today is the day you have a serious conversation with him and tell him the consequences of him not being a decent husband and father. It is always said not to make threats you can't carry out but this idiot needs a shock.

I don’t understand why you’d be so angry about this tbh! It’s not like he’s laying around. He’s right that he’s doing it for both of you, so you have a nice garden to use.

You are clearly feeling unappreciated, but I think he is too, as he is trying to make your garden better for your family.
Why are you so angry about it? What’s so difficult about being at home with one baby??

Are you planning anymore children in the future? If so, I’ve got news for you.............

Dick.

Massive.

That's my rating - if there were dick Voting rather than AIBU voting it would be off the dick scale.

You should stove his head in withe a spade and use him as rose fertiliser. At lEast he would be useful then.
Sorry but I'm bloody sick of gold plated penis syndrome.
Having a penis doesn't get you out of taking equal responsibility for the home and family.

Why can’t you both have a break? Is there a deadline for the garden? If not done by next Wednesday will the garden police come and arrest him?🙄

What a dick! Don’t have another baby with him whatever you do!

He's a massively selfish dick.

Unless he's preparing a large hole for you to bury him in, then the garden work can wait and he can do some parenting.

I don’t think it’s helpful to call him a massive dick. But I think you’re being slightly unreasonable. Clearly having a break is required for you. But so is it for him, if he’s been gardening, then just swap with him, he does the child care, you do an hours gardening, I don’t think it’s fair he gets no break.

You both need to learn to work together, so you both get breaks, not always one or the other.

What others have said, he’s a lazy dick.

What I don’t understand is the amount of posters who have kids with losers like this, but it’s a common theme. From the huge amount of threads on this type of behaviour, basically LTB now to save yourself the downward slide into relationship hell, or embrace your life of servitude now. Two choices as he won’t change.

My DH is currently wfh, he gets up with the baby at 6am to give me a lie in (regardless of how bad the night has been) he does approx 25% of the cleaning up and takes several breaks through the day of holding the baby purely so I get 5 mins to pee/make a cup of tea/stare at my phone... and he apologises because he feels he should be doing more.

And he’s still working!

Your partner is a nob.

Selfish arse. You’re looking after the baby for the two of you.

Sounds awful OP. When I was on mat leave (DC are teens now), DH would come home and take over to give me a break. We split all household chores. I couldn’t put up with what you are putting up with.