Am I in the wrong? Or is my DH a massive dick?

[oceantides]

We have a 7 month old baby. DH usually works full time, but is currently furloughed. I’m currently on maternity leave. Before covid-19 I was home alone pretty much 6 days a week due to his shift work. I look after our DS full time, cook, clean, keep house etc. I don’t mind doing this. But I never seem to get a break. DH conveniently needs the toilet 4 million times a day for what seems like hours on end when he’s home/has a day off. He always seems to slack off from doing things and it’s always me who seems to pick the pieces up. I get up with our DS when DH leaves for work, and I don’t stop until he’s in bed. DH comes home when DS is in bed. If DH came home before DS was in bed he would never say oh give him to me for half an hour whilst you get yourself a drink, or just have five minutes. It’s always put on me.

Now this is what has got my back up.

He is currently working on our garden, fine. He said it may take l a couple of days because there’s a lot of work, also fine. I’ll watch DS as usual whilst this happens. I explained I didn’t mind him doing the garden because it needs doing but it would be nice for him to give me an hour where possible after he’s been outside baby free all day. This caused an argument. He argued he is doing the work for us, and he’s not having a ‘holiday day’ and why should I get a free hour after he’s been doing manual labour all day? Whose in the wrong please? I’m always made out to be the bad person because I’d like five minutes to myself sometimes, is that wrong?

I see other couples split baby time, my close friend has said her DH will come home from working all day and will give her a little time to herself. I’m not asking much. Is this normal? Or is my DH just a massive dick?

Just waiting for the inevitable update where the OP says he’s a great dad...

You both need a break and should both have equal free time.

He neither cares about spending time with his child or about your wellbeing and happiness.

The father of my children was a lazy git, his shift pattern was 4 days or nights on and 3 off, he was also away o detachment for weeks or months on end. He really thought that his days off meant he had 3 days to play golf, lie around or do whatever he pleased. i asked him often when my day off would be, he never had an answer. When our 2nd child had stopped BF i booked a room for the night in the local pub which was less than half a mile away ( it was the days before mobiles but my neighbour knew where i was) i woke he fuckwit up and as soon as i heard him come downstairs i went out of the back door to the bus stop and went shopping in the nearest town before going to relax in my room in the pub for the night. He was furious when he realised i had gone, the note i had left told him that he was a lizy git and to enjoy spending time with HIS children and that unless he pulled his weight i would go on holiday for a week the next time .
Maybe OP you need to do the same when lockdown is over.

Doesn't sound as if he's at all interested in being a father, does it?

I managed to get washing, cleaning, cooking done with a baby.

However I had all day & could do stuff at my own pace, have a break/cuddle/go out when I wanted & anything I didn't do could usually wait until tomorrow.

So compared to my husband at that point I had a very easy life, but as a rule when he wasn't at work he "took over".

Not because I needed the break necessarily, but because he was interested in his baby!

And also for me to know I could just go to the loo, do stuff for me without having to take the baby with me hurry back or check I'd left the baby somewhere safe first!

The relief of knowing that that for a few short hours everything that I wanted to do didn't have to take the baby into consideration as well.

Hell, in the 60s my dad used to sleep downstairs with me on a fri & sat to do night feeds after working 12hrs mon-fri so that my mum could have a couple of unbroken nights sleep!

Yep, he’s a selfish dick. He should put your DS to bed so you can relax in the evening or should take a break from gardening to spend time with his DS.

Tell him you’re going to spend two days tidying cupboards and he needs to look after his child.
He is being a wanker and he knows it, don’t stand for this

You are asking two things here of your husband: 1) Can you please consider my feelings 2) Can you please put someone else before your own immediate needs and wants. On both fronts he is failing you but it is the second ask that far too many men struggle with. I agree with others that you should not tolerate his selfish behaviour otherwise you are validating his view that he is the only one who ever does any 'real' (that generally means paid) work. This will be reinforced in many subtle ways; start paying attention to them. To stop questioning if you are wrong is a good starting point in challenging his unacceptable behaviour.

He’s a selfish dick being deliberately obtuse about what constitutes ‘work’ and shirking off domestic and baby duties as he deep down feels it is women’s work.
Don’t be gaslighted. You shouldn’t have to do all the housework because you’re at home. He’s working on work, you’re working on baby. The rest is an even split. He gives you a break where he can. Baby minding us relentless and hectic KNOWS that. Deal with this promptly or it will destroy your marriage. I speak from experience.

I know it’s too late now OP and I’m not having a dig but did you talk about having children before properly?
Who would do what?
Why did he want a child?
Why did you want to have a baby with him?
If you don’t see him for 90% of your life why are you with him?
What does he bring to your relationship?
Why are you with him?

It’s not too late to get out of this. You’re basically a single parent anyway

I don't know how you can live with a man who sees his baby as a chore when he sees him so little.

Plus you need to stop doing everything around the house - he lives there too!

They are, if not a 'chore' then 'draining' if you're responsible for them 24/7- that's not what I'm talking about.

It's only just 9am and the prize for Dick of the Day goes to your DH.
He's been furloughed so he should be doing half of all daily chores and looking after HIS child so that you can have a break. He gets a break when you are looking after his child.
Big jobs like doing the garden etc. are additional to the daily chores and should be done after chores are completed. Faffing about in the garden does not mean he does not participate in any other household work.

What I would find most hurtful is that he doesnt want to spend time with him. That's worrying. My husband works really long hours but wants to spend time with the children.

Hes a massive dick. Why are you putting up with it? It doesn't sound like he wanted children.

I would say though, that his attitude and behaviour is not unusual.

You probably feel quite overwhelmed at the strength of agreement here.

"Tell him you’re going to spend two days tidying cupboards"

No doubt he would say that she can do it whilst watching baby/when baby is in bed/it's not important enough to warrant him watching his child!

He is a dick.
Ask him what he thinks his role is with the baby. Was he just a sperm donor or was he actually anticipating bringing the child up and being a father? Whilst he is at home, he has the golden opportunity to spend time with his child.

Eww, he is a prick. Don't put up with his shit.

He's showing you who he is. If hes going to slack off from parenting, then I'd slack off doing his washing and cooking

Yep, when I had our first child, my DH would always sod off to tend the garden on his “days off” leaving me to look after DS yet again. One day I marched outside with DS (about 3 months old) handed him over and told DH to look after him for a change then went into town. Hated every minute of looking around the shops as I worried about DS all the time but forced myself to stay out a good few hours because, as I told DH “When I look after DS, I look after DS. When you look after DS we look after DS”. Things did improve but it was a gradual process. Some men just have very antiquated views on roles (tho are happy for wives to be joint breadwinners)

He’s being a sht husband not recognising your needs (not wants, NEEDS) and being incredibly selfish. He’s being a sht dad not wanting to do his part - it’s half his child too and their bond will suffer greatly.

What are the warning signs for men with mentality like this before having a baby? I just can’t imaging wanting to have a child with someone like thIs.

Yes he's a dick.
DH is self employed and when I had 6 DC's under the age of 6 and he had to work 7 days a week, so employed someone part time to help me out as he felt guilty.
Moreover he would come home from work put the two older ones to bed whilst I saw to the DT's.
He came from a home where his Mother did everything for the whole family so had no grounding in domestic chores but he did his best.
OP how does he react if you say "Will you please do X job or Y job " as opposed asking for "me time"?

The only thing that worked with my Ex was going out for the day and leaving him, or having specific activities e.g. baby signing classes followed by library rhyme time and have him do these.

The latter was better as honestly he did that benign neglect thing otherwise, e.g. had the baby but on his phone constantly and I came home to a baby that had been allowed to nap too long and a devastated house.

He’s my Ex now...

He's a dick and he sees you as nothing but an unpaid housekeeper and nanny

In many countries and cultures this absolutely normal male behaviour.