Am I in the wrong? Or is my DH a massive dick?

[oceantides]

We have a 7 month old baby. DH usually works full time, but is currently furloughed. I’m currently on maternity leave. Before covid-19 I was home alone pretty much 6 days a week due to his shift work. I look after our DS full time, cook, clean, keep house etc. I don’t mind doing this. But I never seem to get a break. DH conveniently needs the toilet 4 million times a day for what seems like hours on end when he’s home/has a day off. He always seems to slack off from doing things and it’s always me who seems to pick the pieces up. I get up with our DS when DH leaves for work, and I don’t stop until he’s in bed. DH comes home when DS is in bed. If DH came home before DS was in bed he would never say oh give him to me for half an hour whilst you get yourself a drink, or just have five minutes. It’s always put on me.

Now this is what has got my back up.

He is currently working on our garden, fine. He said it may take l a couple of days because there’s a lot of work, also fine. I’ll watch DS as usual whilst this happens. I explained I didn’t mind him doing the garden because it needs doing but it would be nice for him to give me an hour where possible after he’s been outside baby free all day. This caused an argument. He argued he is doing the work for us, and he’s not having a ‘holiday day’ and why should I get a free hour after he’s been doing manual labour all day? Whose in the wrong please? I’m always made out to be the bad person because I’d like five minutes to myself sometimes, is that wrong?

I see other couples split baby time, my close friend has said her DH will come home from working all day and will give her a little time to herself. I’m not asking much. Is this normal? Or is my DH just a massive dick?

Dick

He's a dick but I can never understand how it gets to this point. As soon as our babies came along DH was expected to pitch in the second he got home from work. He'd arrive through the door, pop his bag down and be handed the baby while I finally got a chance to go to the bathroom in peace or get the washer on for example. None of us got "free time" because we both worked, albeit mine doing childcare and household chores. Then I'd take baby back and DH could get his shower and we'd both crack on with things that needed done. 13 years and 3 children and it is still the case. DH would never be allowed to think I was his maid and nanny. We're an equal team at home.
Don't ask you DH to take his own baby. Just hand baby over. Or say, "Stick the wash on will ya? I've got my hands full". Get him fucking told!

“I look after our DS full time, cook, clean, keep house etc. I don’t mind doing this. But I never seem to get a break”.

This is the problem - if you don’t mind positioning yourself as a housewife who does it all and waits for a break to be bestowed upon them, then you’ll probably be waiting a long time. The dynamic is set with you as the domestic servant and him as the big man who gets to decide what is important. Even when he’s not actually working!

In my view, looking after a baby all day is more exhausting and harder than going to work. I earn 50% more than my husband but I don’t feel that it entitled me to treat him as my domestic servant or belittle his job. Likewise when I was in mat leave, I looked after our DD when he was at work but household chores and looking after DD outside of work was shared fairly. It isn’t fair for one person to have no control over their time, or any time off.

You need to have an honest conversation with him about splitting things more fairly. If it he doesn’t get, then he is definitely being a dick. His reaction to your initial request suggests as much unfortunately.

He's a dick. Everyone loves their baby but even a saint couldn't spend 24 hours a day with them - you need a break and to do something different, switch off for a few hours - it makes you a better mum when you come back and feel refreshed and you appreciate them more when you've had a few hours off.

He should be embracing the chance to spend time with your baby - is he a bit scared? Doesn't know what to do? Worried he can't settle the baby? Well he'll never learn if he doesn't do it so throw him in the deep end, it's the best way to learn.

When DD was born, DH had an incredibly demanding job meaning I did virtually all the childcare. He had no clue how hard it was until our first family holiday when I insisted on 50/50 childcare so we both got a break. He grumbled at first but couldn’t exactly argue when it was clearly fair! (In fact, I’m sure I still did more but to him it felt 50/50). He soon realised how hard it was for me and was much better at helping me after that.

I would do a rota for now which gives both of you a break from housework / childcare. If he’s counting the garden as work that can’t be done whilst watching a child, make sure any housework you do comes under the same category. So there are three things you each do during the day: housework (which includes gardening), childcare, and a break. Do not accept anything less than what’s fair.

Yanbu. He is a total dick with bells on.
He can get a sling or try to manage like you do. Have a serious talk with him, his DS is the most important job he needs to do it.

Do you think he is anxious about being with the baby himself
I would start slowly and work up
So just say,tomorrow, I am going for a walk,to phone my sister,for a lie down,whatever and take say 30 minutes and don't give in
And work it up from there
When he goes back to work make sure ever night you take some time for yourself
He may well prove not up to the job,but give him a chance

The garden is obviously an excuse to get out of doing anything he doesn't want to. Why does he have to do it all day, every day?

If you ran off, he'd have to actually be a parent, if you were ill and had to go into hospital, he'd have to be a parent.

What does he think the rest of us that work and have children do? I think the only language he will understand will be for you to go back to work full time, there is nowhere to hide then.

Some men seem to be stuck in the past dont they? He seems to think looking after Babe is "womens work"! Say to him you appreciate him doing the garden ,and you would imagine he needs a break every now and then and its the same for you!Looking after babies/home etc is a full time job and being "on " all the time is mentally very wearing!

I would think long and hard before having more children with someone who has checked out of family life like he obviously has.

You're being had OP.
Do not get pregnant again to this man.

He is a lazy and a selfish bastard. He is doing the garden work so he can opt out of family life. He is still acting like a single bloke with no responsibilities. Sorry but he doesn't want to spend time with you or the baby. I know that is shit. Talk to him about it and if he doesn't change his ways soon, stop cooking for him, don't do his laundry, don't have sex with him, only talk to him when absolutely necessary. Get on with your life, do something for yourself, for example exercise, yoga, mindfulness, anything to make you feel better. And don't lose any sleep over the bastard.

Why do men have children and then not want to be with them?

My DH was much keener than I to have a child (the decision took 12 years after marriage ) but he positively wanted to spend time with our DS, he would always get up in the night ... bringing the baby to me when I breast fed, loved bathing him, cared for him before he left for work so I could get ready for my day (SAHM) and took over the minute he got home from work because he wanted to spend time with his own child. At weekends I always had a decent amount of time to myself for my own hobbies and interests. He took DS on weekends/holidays away on their own and as a teenager now, DS & DH have a fantastic relationship.

My DH is no Saint (neither am I) but he managed to combine being a dad with a busy career, cycling, golf, going to the pub, gardening, share of the housework & visiting elderly parents .... it’s really not difficult.

Do not have another child with your DH.

Ffs another one!

How many posts can we see from women with absolutely feckless selfish arsehole partners.

OP - your husband is a class A prize wanker.
Here’s the truth - he does not care about you. If he did he would want to make sure you’re ok, he would make you a cup of tea or the occasional dinner, to give you a break. He would take the baby and say hey go and have a shower / break. He wouldn’t call you unreasonable for wanting him to interact with his child.

He works long hours, I get it, but when he is at home there is no reason he isn’t capable of picking up the baby and letting you have 5 minutes to yourself occasionally.

The only reason he doesn’t do it is because he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t believe he should. His needs and wants are all that matters to him.

So the question is, do you want to spend your life with a person who thinks so little of you that they are happy for your mental and physical welfare to suffer? That they begrudge you one hour of their time. That is not a partner, that is not loving someone.

He’s a dick!

What's your work situation? Is there a way you could return from mat leave and WFH or another arrangement because thats what it needs. The same happened to me - DH preached at NCT about being a hands on dad, but literally held DD for up to 10mins when he got home from work and that was it! I went back to work when DD was 10 months and before that did a few self employed little businesses just so I could get out and go to work. I also started therapy for PND/PNA which I needed to go to alone. We had couples counselling to so I could raise the issues without DH stomping off or making some whoe is me comment. What are his parents like because DH had very odd expectations in reality. DH is better, no where near a fair share but better and regrets his actions because now DD will only settle with me when me and her have a very different relationship. She sees him as a great playmate but not someone for food or comfort. The baby series on netflix is very good at explaining this - in that babies learn who cares for them and their brain lights up in a totally different way when they see them. Dh can never get that back.

Why doesn’t he want to spend time with his child

He is an absolute cretin. My ex was similar. When the DCs were small I did pretty much everything while he was increasingly out all day (just milling about, as it turned out, though I thought he had a good reason at the time). I once cleaned the fridge (which had accidentally defrosted itself) with DS strapped to my front and DD in her high chair because ex was feeling a bit off colour and couldn't hold DS for half an hour. A couple of years later I was going out to work while he stayed at home with the kids - I was the sole earner in the family and barely earned enough to support the 4 of us. He would CONSTANTLY whine that I was treating him like a babysitter. I ditched him and we never see him any more ... had to go to court, where he even claimed in the court documents that I had treated him like a babysitter. (The reason we don't see him is due to much more serious behaviour than mentioned here btw.)

There's a wider cultural problem here - raising kids is still seen as women's work. But boy do some men lap that up.

@Ragwort

I think it is to trap women. The number of posts on this topic has been shocking and saddening.

OP, I'd be getting tough with him or preparing for a split after lockdown.

Grow yourself as a person because the likelihood is he will never change. Focus on yourself and not him. You won't be able to change him, only yourself. If he is not physically abusive, please don't make any meals for him, don't do his laundry, don't have sex with him, it will make you feel less used. Start seeing him as less of a partner because quite frankly he doesn't treat you as one. He doesn't care about your well-being. Does he ever ask you how your day has been? Forget him. Start seeing yourself as a single person and start to make plans for the future.

@RebelWhoWashesFor19Seconds I used to wonder how it gets that way.

My XH and I were the first in our social group to have a baby, so I hadn’t seen him with others. But... his mum and stepdad told me how wonderful he’d been with his now young adult nieces. And, he sent a birthday card and a fiver to his ex girlfriend’s 7yo as, “it was her fault we split”. He was quite a playful man generally, the sort everyone says, “he’ll make a great dad”. I had no concerns he wouldn’t pull his weight.

Baby arrives. I certainly wasn’t doing all the housework and cooking “because I was on mat leave”. But tbf, there wasn’t a huge amount to do - we ate a lot of takeaway back then, and often grabbed simple food often cooked separately, so we’d make our own, but at the same time. Baby in my sling.

But when it came to caring for the (non bloody sleeping) baby? Total abdication.
All the passive aggressive shit. I used re-usable nappies. Which I pre-stuffed, you put them on the same way as a regular nappy. EVERY time - how do I do this? Which way round does it go? So I added a stash of disposables. He’d put them on loose, or the wrong way round.

I lost track of the times I said things like, “I was up 12x last night, I am in my knees here. I need you to take her at 07:00 without waking me tomorrow”. (I found it hard to get back to sleep once woken. Then he’d “sleep through his alarm”. This was weekends, when we both worked full time in the week.

The first time I needed to work at home on a Sunday, I warned him he had to care for her without disturbing me, all day. He rang his mum to babysit and played golf.

If I ever asked for an hour - and then handed her over and took it (I’m no shrinking violet) after 20 minutes a little face would appear, “mummy?”. Every single fucking time she’d manage to wander off from him. At the time, we had a 4 bed, 4 reception house - this was no tiny flat.

There was NOTHING I could do to make him take responsibility. I tried, “when you do this, I feel...” I tried the riot act. In the end, I divorced him.

All the while, when his parents and friends were round he’d cuddle her and throw her in the air for giggles, and everyone said, “oh he’s such a good dad”.

He’s fundamentally bone idle. His third wife does everything for their toddler now, and my two when they visit - she’s told me.

So - that’s how you can get into that situation.

OP - he’s a dick. It’s not you.

Yellow - you are right, there are just so many threads on here like this, I would hope that this situation might improve but it only seems to get worse .

Massive dick

He’s a duck and I’d take action as he’s selfish and a shit dad.

He's a dick. When my DC were babies I went off every Sat morning and came back after lunch, sometimes a bit later.

Tell him from now on, you need a break and set a time.