Am I in the wrong? Or is my DH a massive dick?

[oceantides]

We have a 7 month old baby. DH usually works full time, but is currently furloughed. I’m currently on maternity leave. Before covid-19 I was home alone pretty much 6 days a week due to his shift work. I look after our DS full time, cook, clean, keep house etc. I don’t mind doing this. But I never seem to get a break. DH conveniently needs the toilet 4 million times a day for what seems like hours on end when he’s home/has a day off. He always seems to slack off from doing things and it’s always me who seems to pick the pieces up. I get up with our DS when DH leaves for work, and I don’t stop until he’s in bed. DH comes home when DS is in bed. If DH came home before DS was in bed he would never say oh give him to me for half an hour whilst you get yourself a drink, or just have five minutes. It’s always put on me.

Now this is what has got my back up.

He is currently working on our garden, fine. He said it may take l a couple of days because there’s a lot of work, also fine. I’ll watch DS as usual whilst this happens. I explained I didn’t mind him doing the garden because it needs doing but it would be nice for him to give me an hour where possible after he’s been outside baby free all day. This caused an argument. He argued he is doing the work for us, and he’s not having a ‘holiday day’ and why should I get a free hour after he’s been doing manual labour all day? Whose in the wrong please? I’m always made out to be the bad person because I’d like five minutes to myself sometimes, is that wrong?

I see other couples split baby time, my close friend has said her DH will come home from working all day and will give her a little time to herself. I’m not asking much. Is this normal? Or is my DH just a massive dick?

Yep, he's a dick.
You will have to force him to help or accept that it's all on you.

Yup. He’s a dick. Show him this thread.

I’m so tired of these threads. It’s deeply depressing in 2020 to see how prevalent this behaviour is. Of course he is being a massive dick. Of course he can’t just garden and expect you to have no break. To be honest, I would be handing over the baby and going out for a walk for an hour. No questioning just, here is your baby. See you in a bit.

Yes tara66 including the UK if these threads are anything to go by.

OP?

It would be nice of him to give me an hour..

Reset your baseline - you're both parents, you're both at home at the moment, so you split the housework, childcare and free time 50:50. That's the baseline and the minimum he should be doing.

The two of you can sit down and write up a timetable if you like. After that, you can talk about what extra projects you both want to get done during this time - he doesn't get to take up all the project time unilaterally. Maybe you both get a half day every other day to work on your own projects?

Your project could be helping with the garden, or clearing out the garage, or decorating a bookshelf - whatever, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you have time away from the kids to do something (slowly, with breaks), and your DH takes his turn with the childcare.

It’s very sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with his child. Babies that age are so cute and responsive. Do you know why he doesn’t OP?

You say he's doing the garden 'for us'...tell him you do the house 'for us' so where does that leave the parenting...that's for 'both of us'. He sounds like he's a 'that's womens work' type of bloke...when he spends ages in the toilet, I bet he leaves it filthy as that's womans work...I can tell you from nearly 30 years experience it won't get better unless you put you foot down now. Good luck!

He's being a dick. Quite a small, shrivelled up insignificant one at that.

Selfish dick from me too. Looking after young children is mentally exhausting too.

I had similar from my now ex relating to the "different" values of chores. Not relating to childcare. We both worked FT, before DC. Often at the weekend he would go out and garden all day. I would get lunch ready, clear away afterwards, sort out washing, ironing etc. During our divorce he actually cited this in the divorce papers that he did more work around the house/garden. His belief system was that whatever he did or chose to do was more important than what I contributed. That belief system is unlikely to change.

So I totally agree with the pp's who say to you to leave the house for a period of time without DC. Now clearly it cant be a hobby or class but set the pattern and perhaps do your daily exercise.

My ex was the same.

Last night he told 6 yr old ds he could only have him for 1 night as he ' has plans ' for Sunday
I hope you can nip this in the bud now op otherwise when you go back to work you will be doing the lot.
Good luck.

Does he actually want children? It seems like he does not care much for his first. Best to actually check what his expectations are before mutually agreeing to have another.

He obviously doesn’t want to spend time with his DD. Its easier to avoid it by doing other work. It’s both of your responsibility 50/50. He is being a dick but is confirming that doesn’t change the behaviour. As others have said give him the baby and let him learn how to care for her. Let’s be honest it’s easier not to do it! So don’t give him the choice - in time he will bond with her and want to do it. All the time he is avoiding it he will never change. Just because he is doing this now doesn’t mean he always will but you have to just give him DD and leave him to it.

Congrats and good luck

He’s a selfish, sexist wanker.

Prick.

You are not wrong. He is an arse.
Stop asking him for permission or engagement. It's his child too. Put the baby in the pram and then put them in the garden. Tell DH he's responsible for them whilst you go to the bathroom (like he does!) or get your daily exercise. Then have some child-free time.
You need to establish boundaries and responsibilities now. Otherwise it will only get worse.

I’ve been on MN on and off for years and this same type of husband and father pops up again and again. There is something fundamentally wrong with the way we are raising little boys.
Aside from the fact he is a useless, selfish partner he is also a bad father. He does not want to care for and nurture his own baby. Babies are gorgeous when they are yours, especially when you’re not frazzled by 24/7 caring and only looking after them for an hour. PND aside, what sort of emotionally stunted individual does not feel that???

He’s a dick - who is probably playing with his dick when on the toilet and watching his phone

You need to stop this approach of 'I don't mind doing everything but can I please have a small break'

He is not your boss or master. You are supposed to be a team, he is supposed to care about you.

You two need to have a serious talk and he needs to step up and be an actual father.

YANBU he’s a complete dick. He’s been furloughed. He should be doing 50/50 housework plus 50/50 childcare. Sorting out the garden is an optimal thing!

Optional not optimal!

Yep massive dick and a shit dad too. You and your DS deserve better.

He’s an arsehole.

This is his golden opportunity to take time to spend properly with his baby, really bond and learn all about him.

Stop being ‘happy’ to do it all. You shouldn’t be.

I think if your husband is out at work it is reasonable for him to eat his dinner/have a break when he gets home from work. After take the kids for a bit to give you some me time. Same if he has garden work, a break then take the kids after.

Did you not know this about him before? Has he just started being a lazy sexist pig since you had a baby?

Don’t have another with him, and either get him to share the responsibility or he’s on his way

Then when he’s done the garden, something else will come up. Jeez, feckless fucker.