To think that most people have children because it's just the done thing

[MaryMaryContrary]

AIBU to think that most people have children because it's just the done thing?

Given the massive upheaval children cause to your life and that we're living in 2020 when different lifestyles are more acceptable, surely we should all really be thinking through our reasoning for having children. Or is it just a hormonal urge?

If you don't think through the reasoning beforehand, do you think it can cause regret when the children arrive?

My childless aunts and uncles dealt with not having children without regret (for them it was out of choice as they either married late or chose not to pursue fertility treatments) until grandchildren arrived and according to them resulted in a ‘second culling’ of their social circle. One of my aunts tried to distract herself with her neice’s kids but they used to row all the time and she was constantly reminded she wasn’t gran (my cousin’s mum had died) - it really hurt her. It was better for my other aunt and uncle who buried themselves in work / religion

I can only speak for myself, but I had a baby because I desperately wanted one. I felt like I loved my baby before they were even conceived. It's one of the strongest needs I've ever had. There are a lot of ways in which DH and I don't really conform to the 'done thing' thing, so not being like other people isn't what would've bothered me about not being able to conceive.

I had a baby because I really wanted one. And I don't think people are having children "just because" anymore. The UK has a declining birth rate, as does the whole of Europe. We are going to be reliant on immigration at the rate we are going to maintain a younger workforce in an ageing population. I read an interesting article on it in the Financial Times recently.

@KitMarlowesCodpieceOfThigh Thanks for sharing that. Is 'wanting one' a reason though? Is that like a hormonal urge?

* I can only speak for myself, but I had a baby because I desperately wanted one. I felt like I loved my baby before they were even conceived. It's one of the strongest needs I've ever had.*

Same. That need kept me going through years of fertility treatment.

There is definitely an expectation and pressure that can be hard to stand up to. A few weeks ago I told my team at work to listen up because I had something to tell them, and a couple of them immediately started clapping and cheering because I am childless and of childbearing age so they assumed I was pregnant. I was actually about to tell them that I'd handed in my resignation.

I think most people have children due to the biological urge to reproduce.

@terrelontane That made me laugh so much, thank you! 😂😂

I think for a lot of people it's definitely a next step sort of decision.

Within my friendship group the topics of conversation over the last few years have been almost like a check list. House buying, engagements, weddings and babies. I feel quite the odd one out for not pursuing the most common path, and out of those topics I only really have an interest in house buying.

I'm sure there are many reasons my friends have decided to have children. But it does seem from the outside at least, part of the decision was as a result of wanting to stick to the status quo.

@MaryMaryContrary it made me laugh too, they were so embarrassed

I had children because I had such a strong desire to have them. I could not imagine my future without them, it felt like my purpose in life. I’ve never regretted having them. I do however suspect that my parents had them because it was the done thing.

Gosh no! I had mine because I was absolutely desperate to have children.

I have long standing friends and we are very honest with each other and i have never heard anyone say they had children just because it was "the done thing"

Not sure about ‘most’ and there is obviously strong biological urges in a lot of people to reproduce, but in a lot of ways it is very ingrained as the ‘done’ thing to do and actively choosing to not have children is for some reason quite controversial.

There is a great deal of societal pressure exerted on childfree women, and it takes strength of mind and independence of thought to rise above it.

We're tapping 60. Made a choice not to have kids.

Have a nephew, now almost 30. He didn't make us regret our decision.

Now have a dog, 18months old, he has probably made us more certain our decision was right for us.

It's not something we ever felt we should do!

“A few weeks ago I told my team at work to listen up because I had something to tell them, and a couple of them immediately started clapping and cheering because I am childless and of childbearing age so they assumed I was pregnant. I was actually about to tell them that I'd handed in my resignation.”

Is that what they told you? And you believed them.

Anyway OP, YABU because I think most people who have children do so for two main reasons: they want them or their contraception failed and they don’t want to terminate. There may be a handful having a baby to secure an inheritance, but that’s 0.001% ultra rich people problems.

I disagree that most people have children “because it’s the done thing”

A "just cause" reason wouldn't have kept me pushing through infertility treatment. I've always wanted and felt an urge to have children, thought I wanted 3. I had DD and I've not felt that same urge since. I'm happy with 1.

I now just occasionally have a pang of want for a dog.

Some of it is biological protection in numbers though, I think. I fought through IVF to have DD because my parents divorced when I was young and I desperately wanted a ‘proper’ family to call my own. I just feel happier and more settled in myself now.

I don't have children. I'm 36. I've never had the slightest urge to have them.

I really wanted a baby, but I also really wanted a family. I was pretty clear on my reasoning, and it's all turned out even better than I could have predicted. I have never been someone who does "the done thing".

I struggled to conceive for almost 3 years. I certainly put a lot of thought into having DS.

I do think many people seem to not particularly want kids but seem to think it's the next step in a relationship. I think we should teach parenting in schools and that people shouldn't be automatically expected to have kids.

Personally I have always wanted to have kids. I love kids, I work with kids, I'm interested in child development. It was always what I was gonna do, but I hate when people always tell my child free best friend that she will change her mind.

I had no hormonal urges. I had a child because I wanted a child. There was no ticking clock, no broodiness, I’m the least naturally maternal person there is.

I have never done anything because it was “the done thing”

@Lostvoiced I like that your comment is well balanced. Also agree that parenting should be taught in schools.

I think YABU. I think most people have kids because they want them, and a much smaller number because their wives want them it's the done thing.

I also think that regretting having kids is somewhat separate to that ie you may really want them but find the reality (or your reality) such that regrets come in. Alternatively you may be quite lukewarm about the whole kids thing then get bowled over (in a good way) when they arrive.

@MaryMaryContrary I'd say that wanting one is a reason, yes... It's not the same sort of wanting one as 'Ooh, I fancy a Crunchie' or even 'If I don't have rampant sex with that man RIGHT NOW I will EXPLODE'. It's a deeper, insistent, part-of-me thing. It's as much a part of who I am as the fact that I have double-jointed toes and that I can always find my way through a maze really fast. I don't think it's something I control.

I do agree that some people have babies just because it's what other people do, just like some people get married just because it's what other people do - they don't feel particularly positively or forcefully about it, but it's just... what people do. But for me, that's not the case.