To think that most people have children because it's just the done thing

[MaryMaryContrary]

AIBU to think that most people have children because it's just the done thing?

Given the massive upheaval children cause to your life and that we're living in 2020 when different lifestyles are more acceptable, surely we should all really be thinking through our reasoning for having children. Or is it just a hormonal urge?

If you don't think through the reasoning beforehand, do you think it can cause regret when the children arrive?

I never thought I wanted children then one day, I was hit with a blinding realisation that if I didn't, one day I would have no family.

I was never have desperate to have cute little babies but am absolutely glad I did for the amazing adults it has given me. And once we got past the first couple of years I enjoyed their childhoods too.

At some point I history, there will have been people who had children because it was the done thing, or contraceptives weren’t available. In the last 10-15 years, I think the majority of people want to have children or have a contraception failure. With the rise of social media, there has never been such publicity about the challenges of parenting and the effect it will have on your life.

From our friends group, I would say it’s probably 50/50 on having kids/not having kids. We’re only just 30, so my friends might not have felt that pressure to have a last try because they are running out of time. Although the friends I have that are preparing to be child free are also the friends that will tell intrusive people to fuck off.

I think there is pressure for people to have children but people aren’t necessarily succumbing to it. We have been married for four years and have obviously had pressure to have kids, or why haven’t we had kids yet. We plan to have a child, on our timeline (fertility permitting). We both want a child not because of pressure but because we feel like it’s the right step for our family. We have weighed up the pros and cons of being child free and having a child (as much as we can when we don’t have one) and have decided we do want to pursue having a child. However, we have also reached the conclusion that we are 95% one and done and I won’t be pressured into having the norm of two.

I wanted a child because I also wanted a family, and it was something DH and I talked about for years. I loved the child free first part of my life, and now I love the new time of my life having a baby in it.

I absolutely hate the pressure on women to have children though. A friend of mine got married last year and my mum commented “well she’ll have to hurry up if she wants to have a child” 😳 bloody hell - my friend is only 32 and doesn’t want children!! Definitely feels sometimes in my own circles that there’s pressure to have children from previous generations because it was more the done thing back then.

It's a strong biological urge, not just to reproduce but to nurture one's own young. As the majority of the population have that urge it is therefore "the done thing" (or becomes so as a consequence) is it not?

I suppose there are some people who don't feel the urge but feel they ought to have children out of some sort of familial/ societal obligation but I think they must be in the minority. If you take the urge out of it, having children seems so illogical. It's expensive, hard work, energy sapping, health destroying, career wrecking (for women anyway) and bad for the environment. But most of us still want to do it ...

I have children. I'm not typically maternal. Never played with dolls, hated the thought of being pregnant and my body changing, dreaded giving up stuff I enjoyed, fretted about the effect on my much loved career. Yet ... I had a nagging feeling that just would not go away - that I just HAD to have my own children. And somehow they are worth it, over and over and over. I can't even explain it to myself.

I was always on the fence. Husband was quite keen but always but left it up to me. I decided to have one after I became seriously ill in hospital. I don't know why, I just felt this urge and thought if I make it through this I want a family. And I did. Best decision I've ever made. Miss doing fuck all sometimes though! 😂

I agree with @KitMarlowesCodpieceOfThigh I've been ttc no.2 for over a year OP and it's a horrible, desperate panging rollercoaster every single month.

Ruffins Never say never.

Almost all of my post natal class were older than 36 when they had their first.

I think the desire to have children is greater than “everyone is doing it”. I don’t think the trauma and the gruelling procedures those who struggle to conceive put themselves through is merely to achieve what others have. I think there’s a biological yearning most people have, doesn’t mean you have to love every stage of parenting, god no most of it is expensive drudgery.

I think for me it was 50% wanting a child and 50% FOMO if I didn't have one. Which I didn't, but things haven't turned out too badly.

I have always loved and wanted children. For various reasons I had to wait until I was 33 to try and have now been trying for a year and am suffering from recurrent miscarriage. The need for a child is getting stronger with every passing day. I can't explain it.

I wish I were the kind of person who was ambivalent about having children, or who could imagine different possibilities of how my life might turn out with or without children and be happy either way. Or better still, I wish I didn't want children at all. Then I could focus on just doing what makes me happy in this moment, whether that was climbing the career ladder, going on amazing holidays or devoting myself entirely to a hobby. I feel like that would be a much easier way to live.

But I'm not that kind of person, I'm the kind of person who is desperate to have a baby, so I will keep trying even though it is currently making me completely miserable.

I'd always wanted children, not sure why. But then when dh and I got together, after our wedding it was almost a primal urge but also cringe as it is they are a symbol of our love for one another.

@peperethecat I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Wishing you the best of luck.💐💐

“Just the done thing”
“Just a hormonal urge”
“Is ‘wanting one’ a reason though?”

I’m confused, OP. Given that you don’t seem to think the above 3 reasons pass muster, what DO you think is an acceptable reason for having a child?

I think there is a lot of pressure and it’s seen as the next ‘step in life’, and some people do succumb to that.

I don’t think I had an urge as such, it was just part of our plan to have a child, and I wanted to get on with it ASAP (I didn’t want to get much older). We have DS now and we’ve decided that we’re not having another- again, no ‘urge’ either way, just a case of weighing up what feels right and fits our situation. He is very much loved.

I'm not sure if I'd say its true for 'most ' people, but certainly 'many' people. I think quite a few people have children because 'it's what you do' and is part of the 'life map' so to speak.

As for the 'biological urge' argument.... I'm not sure. Biological urges should surely apply to everyone more or less equally. Everyone has a biological urge to drink, eat, breathe and sleep, but just about everything else is variable. If anything, the relevant 'biological urge' must be to have sex, not to reproduce.

Plus, given that it's still the norm to have children, can we really disentagle 'biological urges' from social pressure?

I don’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t broody! even when I was a child I remember wanting to be a mum. I have my children now and they’ve been an epic struggle for me, I’m long term single, in absolutely no situation to have any more children and yet.... it’s still there. (Thankfully my brain rules and I won’t be having any)

A couple I knew a long time ago had children because it was the done thing. Those children never woke up in their house on Christmas morning as their parents worked night shift on Christmas Eve or were out partying and their children were left with a family member whilst they went on couples holidays.

I don't have children through choice.

I didn’t know I wanted children until I was told I might not be able to (thanks to damage caused by endometriosis that took years to diagnose) then it’s like a switch was flipped somewhere and I was inconsolable.

I am lucky enough that with surgery to repair damage and remove one fallopian tube/ovary (where most of the damage was from the endometriosis) that I did conceive without aid and have my twins. So yeah, can’t speak for anybody else, but it took the potential reality of having the option removed for me to realise how much I wanted to have my own family

I agree @IcedPurple, animals don't experience the desire for offspring on a conscious level, they just have an urge to mate.

I spent almost my entire twenties certain I didn't want children. Had never been bloody. Not maternal. Didn't particularly like children anyway. I was happy with that decision and actually the more children I experienced (nieces nephews kids in public etc) the more I was certain. Having kids just wasn't for me and I was too selfish anyway.

Then I met my now DH. Fell in love the same week we met. Suddenly I experienced what feeling broody is. I just wanted children with him, because it's him and I was so in love with him.

Having kids just wasn't for me and I was too selfish anyway.

Virtually every reason for wanting to have a child is selfish though.

I don’t think it’s most but I’m sure it’s true for some. Women and girls get a lot of pressure to reproduce, or to want to reproduce even from a very young age. I always find little girls are expected to be much more interested in infant relatives etc and this carries through.

A friend of mine admitted to thinking she wanted a big family as culturally that’s what everyone did and now she’s mid thirties with no children she is relieved that she didn’t go down that path. When we were 21 all she would talk about was wanting 6 children. Now she thinks having one may be nice.

No I refused said at 13 no kids ever, never regretted my decision.

There are certainly some cultures where having children is culturally and religiously compulsory and a woman who does not do so for whatever reason is seen as lesser.

Maybe it was that way. These days people who are unsure tend to be putting it off.
I have had this ridiculously strong urge for a long time. It's pretty biological because you're right, logically you wouldnt do it at all!