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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that most people have children because it's just the done thing

202 replies

MaryMaryContrary · 28/04/2020 16:29

AIBU to think that most people have children because it's just the done thing?

Given the massive upheaval children cause to your life and that we're living in 2020 when different lifestyles are more acceptable, surely we should all really be thinking through our reasoning for having children. Or is it just a hormonal urge?

If you don't think through the reasoning beforehand, do you think it can cause regret when the children arrive?

OP posts:
Shmithecat2 · 28/04/2020 17:41

I wanted to be a mother, but I also had a nagging feeling that it was pointless to do well in life unless there was someone to leave it all to. I occasionally wish that I should have been happy enough to leave it all to a cat rescue Blush but mainly, all dh and I have and want to achieve in life is for the benefit of ds, and that feels right.

HelloItsmeAgain1 · 28/04/2020 17:43

So no, I think these days in this country most people do it because they feel the need to do it to feel complete. I'd be honest about it on an anonymous forum and that's the truth!

riotlady · 28/04/2020 17:43

I always wanted kids. DD was an accident but if I hadn’t had her I would have had kids later on.

IcedPurple · 28/04/2020 17:44

It's pretty biological because you're right, logically you wouldnt do it at all!

I'd say emotional rather than biological. Biologically, you are much better off not having a baby.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 28/04/2020 17:46

I had mine because I really really wanted them. I like children, I enjoyed the nieces and nephews I had before my 2 were born.

I love family holidays, playing with Lego, kids excited at 6am on Christmas morning, happy paddling pool splashing in summer, snuggling in bed reading stories in the morning.

Plenty of people find children enjoyable. We are biologically evolved to enjoy them and to have a strong desire to nurture them, it's one of the basic elements of human society.

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/04/2020 17:47

I would be interested to know how many who don’t have any family go on to not have children.

I think it makes the decision easier if you have nephews and nieces but if there isn’t anyone else I wonder how many actually remain child free.

Or is it the other way round and having children in the family makes it more likely you will have children because it isn’t such an alien concept

Original poster
MaryMaryContrary · 28/04/2020 17:48

@IcedPurple That's a really interesting point. That having children is the triumph of emotions over logic.

I would agree that my friends who are childfree are the more logical and less emotional personalities.

OP posts:
IcedPurple · 28/04/2020 17:49

I think it makes the decision easier if you have nephews and nieces but if there isn’t anyone else I wonder how many actually remain child free

For some of us the decision is incredibly easy though, and has nothing to do with whether or not we have nephews and nieces. Having children just simply isn't appealing to us.

IcedPurple · 28/04/2020 17:51

We are biologically evolved to enjoy them

I doubt it. The idea of 'enjoying' your children and spending lots of time with them is very new. Until about the 1950s, any woman who could afford to pay someone else to look after her children did so, and those who didn't were too busy making a living or running the household to 'enjoy' their children.

BittersweetMemories · 28/04/2020 17:51

Everytime I read these threads it stresses me out.

I have no desire, urge, want to have a child.

What is wrong with me that I don't have this deep biological yearning that almost every other woman experiences????

Whilst I am sure I do not want a child, I also have FOMO - what if I regret it? What if I get divorced and end up completely alone?

Aaaahhhhhhh

SerenDippitty · 28/04/2020 17:51

I think it makes the decision easier if you have nephews and nieces but if there isn’t anyone else I wonder how many actually remain child free.

I didn't have a nephew until I was 47 and had no more hope of a child of my own.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 28/04/2020 17:53

peperethecat

I had recurrent miscarriages (3) it was awful.

Then never worked out why, all I know is DD is currently lying on the sitting room floor laughing at the cat. I wish you the best of luck, I really do understand the desperation.

Pelleas · 28/04/2020 17:53

I think it makes the decision easier if you have nephews and nieces but if there isn’t anyone else I wonder how many actually remain child free.

I have no nieces or nephews, and never will as my sister can't have children and my husband is any only child - there are no children in my family at all that I am in touch with, and no children amongst my friends other than adult children. It wasn't something I gave any thought to in my decision to remain childfree.

I'm not a person who dislikes children, but I've no particular interest in them so I don't crave their society. I'd be surprised if very many childfree people factor in niece/nephew availability to their decision.

bulliedintonamechange · 28/04/2020 17:54

Haha, gosh what a way to look at it. Not everyone feels it but I had a maternal urge to bring a life into the world. To create life with the person I love. Like I say, not everyone feels it but doing it for the sake of it is a weird thought, quite an expensive/time consuming thing to do to fit in!! Ha

IcedPurple · 28/04/2020 17:54

*That's a really interesting point. That having children is the triumph of emotions over logic.

I would agree that my friends who are childfree are the more logical and less emotional personalities.*

I'm not saying that having children is always illogical - some people genuinely enjoy being around kids and love the idea of family life. My point was rather that I don't buy into this notion of 'biological urges'. I think any such 'urges' are emotional, not biological in nature. You will not suffer biologically in any way by not reproducing. In fact, for women at least the opposite is much more likely to be true.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 28/04/2020 17:54

Bittersweet

Of course not everyone has such urges. For one we are all different, also, your own experiences have an impact - exposure to children, your own upbringing etc.

JingsMahBucket · 28/04/2020 17:55

@terrelontane you should have heard the nasally cackle I just let out laughing at your story. Thank you for that much needed levity!

Original poster
MaryMaryContrary · 28/04/2020 17:55

@BittersweetMemories Sorry my post has stressed you out. There are no certainties in life, though. Even if you had a child, you could still get divorced and end up alone. We all die in the end, anyway!

OP posts:
peperethecat · 28/04/2020 17:55

@MaryMaryContrary and @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland Thank you.

Imapotato · 28/04/2020 17:56

A contraception failure at 18 brought on dd1s arrival. At the time kids weren’t even on my radar and I’d never really given any serious thought to whether or not I wanted them.

I had a bleed early on and from the time I saw her little flickering heart beat on the scan, I knew that I loved and wanted her and there was no way that I was going to terminate.

Dd2 three years later was very much planned and tried for. I loved having dd1 so much, why wouldn’t I want to do it all again?

After dd2, I would have tried for another had our circumstances been different. But due to finances and our house not being big enough at the time, we decided to stick at 2.

Fast forward to now and I’m in my mid 30s. I think my body is trying to trick me into having another baby! I dream about being pregnant and giving birth. I dream about my 3rd baby and wake up feeling broody. I’m resisting though, having a baby now would be completely impractical. Dd1 would never forgive me if she had to share a bedroom with dd2 and our way of life would have to change too much.

Maybe mid 30s is the time your body tries to trick you into wanting a baby, whether you really do want one or not. I think if I didn’t already have my dds and maybe hadn’t thought I’d wanted children until this point, I’d probably be thinking about ttc now as my body is kind of telling me I should. Though it might just be me and others don’t experience this.

bulliedintonamechange · 28/04/2020 17:57

@bittersweetmemories there is NOTHING wrong with you! Some feel it, some don't. I guess could compare to being straight, gay etc? Not sure but we are all wired up differently and you are not weird by any means. I know a few people who feel the same as you, it's not that uncommon

GrimmsFairytales · 28/04/2020 17:57

What is wrong with me that I don't have this deep biological yearning that almost every other woman experiences????

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. I suspect a lot of the biological yearning is hyperbole / societal conditioning.

Poetryinaction · 28/04/2020 17:58

I only ever wanted children. I always knew that if I achieved everything in life but was never a mother I would not be fulfilled, and if I got to bring up children but did very little else, ultimately I would be fulfilled. That's just how I always felt. I can't imagine life without them. Life, for me, is sharing experiences, and having a family is about that.

Imapotato · 28/04/2020 18:00

Sorry crossed posts with @BittersweetMemories

There nothing wrong with you. Some probably never feel that urge and that’s ok. Everyone is different.

Things may change or they may not, but however you feel is completely fine.

peajotter · 28/04/2020 18:01

I think for many people it’s not so much wanting to have a baby as wanting to be a “family” (I’m not saying that you have to have kids for that, but many people think you do).

Most people I know have spent 18 years living as part of a larger family then a decade or more either single or in a couple. They have experienced both and chosen what they want for the long term.

I think in our fragmented society, where friendships and even marriages often end, having children offers more support and relationships. People aren’t choosing kids so much as choosing more family. Whilst it is possible to have a close knit long term group of extended family or friends, it’s much easier to have your own kids.