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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that most people have children because it's just the done thing

202 replies

MaryMaryContrary · 28/04/2020 16:29

AIBU to think that most people have children because it's just the done thing?

Given the massive upheaval children cause to your life and that we're living in 2020 when different lifestyles are more acceptable, surely we should all really be thinking through our reasoning for having children. Or is it just a hormonal urge?

If you don't think through the reasoning beforehand, do you think it can cause regret when the children arrive?

OP posts:
Squirrelblanket · 28/04/2020 18:01

"There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. I suspect a lot of the biological yearning is hyperbole / societal conditioning."

I totally agree.

KitMarlowesCodpieceOfThigh · 28/04/2020 18:05

@BittersweetMemories There's nothing wrong with you! I always wonder similar about people who love to travel and get itchy feet. I have no desire to experience other places. To me, it sounds unnecessarily stressful when I could just look at photos of them from the comfort of my home. Doesn't make me deficient. Just different from people who have that exploratory urge!

Mucklowe · 28/04/2020 18:06

I didn't want them until I was 37. Then all of a sudden my ovaries were like, "Right..."

DrinkVeneer · 28/04/2020 18:06

At population level it certainly makes biological sense to have kids, maybe that's where it comes from.

Anyway to answer the question, I think in the UK in 2020 very few people have kids because it's the done thing. The birth rate has dropped dramatically in the last 50 years as fewer people are having children and those who do are having fewer of them, to the point where we're actually a fair bit below population replacement level. Contraception is widely used for extended periods of time by those who are sexually active. The average age of women having their first baby is 29, which is more than a decade after the end of compulsory education.

All of these factors together - fewer children, fewer parents, longer stretch of adult life spent preventing conception than at any time previously - suggest to me that those who do have children actively choose to do so. It's certainly been the case amongst people I know - I can't think of anyone in my peer group who had children because it was expected of them.

2bazookas · 28/04/2020 18:07

I was never bothered about having children until all of a sudden, out of the blue, I went broody. Then I kept going broody until my pelvic floor cried for mercy.

Snottymonkey · 28/04/2020 18:08

Not in the least maternal in teens/20s or early 30s did not have any children in the family or around me at all growing up. I recall in my 20s a few friends being very very clear they wanted children and I was baffled. I was shit scared of becoming pregnant in my 20s and NEVER took chances with contraception.
It was not until I met DH at age 34 that it even entered into my thinking and then it was completley something I wanted. I can't explain it more than that. I have two now and life is very stressful but no regrets.
I have friends who 3xpressed wanting children in their 20s who are now childfree and happy and also those who wanted a large family who have ended up with one child and will honestly say they love their child but would be just as happy being childfree. The one friend I had who really disliked children now has three!

IcedPurple · 28/04/2020 18:10

At population level it certainly makes biological sense to have kids, maybe that's where it comes from.

Not neccessarily. There are over 7 billion people on the planet. 50 years ago, there was half that. Overpopulation is arguably a much bigger danger than the opposite.

It's certainly been the case amongst people I know - I can't think of anyone in my peer group who had children because it was expected of them.

I don't think anyone is going to say 'Oh I'm having a baby because it's what you do'. But that doesn't mean that their choice isn't influenced, at least in part, by social norms.

lamppotkettle · 28/04/2020 18:11

Absolutely

More men definitely anecdotally

DemEyebrows · 28/04/2020 18:11

I had a child because of pressure from family. I was told it’s the best thing you’ll ever do. It’s wonderful and I love DS dearly but you most certainly can have a very fulfilling life without. I’m stopping at 1 because I realise that people lied and it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows it’s hard work and sometimes feels relentless. I’m also conscious of our overpopulation on this planet and potential food shortages. If I wasn’t financially secure I would never have considered having a child though.

Cactuslove · 28/04/2020 18:11

I can only give my experience. It was like a switch had been flipped and I wanted to share the experience of having a child with my partner. I could not think of anything else. In hindsight I did not fully think through what this would mean... especially as I was the first amongst my friendship group. There are other traditions such as marriage that I am not worried about but having a baby was everything.

I will say that it was definitely the right decision for us and I love watching my part or and our son together and I feel amazed that we created this little human.

However both my partner and my siblings do not want kids. And my best friend just isn't interested. I really think you either get this urge that cant be ignored or you don't.

I will say that I wish all the best to anyone this thread might be difficult for.

leckford · 28/04/2020 18:14

Agree with the childfree, never wanted any, never had any. Worked a reasonable job, married, had horses, now have the best one of my life. Had dogs as well, New one on the way. Look at children and think why?

DrinkVeneer · 28/04/2020 18:15

Meh, reproductive evolution doesn't care about overpopulation. And overpopulation is "caused" by medical advances - to be blunt, we're not dying like we used to, even though we're also globally speaking not having babies like we used to - not by reproduction.

otterbaby · 28/04/2020 18:17

Expecting my first child and probably middle of the road for it age-wise, 28. I was married for 5 years before I decided I was finally ready - my DH was ready a few years sooner than I was. I think it's probably biological urges more than anything. I do think there's a pressure on young women to have a baby within the first year of marriage. Not sure if that's new or if it's always been like that.

MunaZaldrizoti · 28/04/2020 18:19

I always thought I wanted children, until I realised I didn't have to have them. So ya, I thought it was the done thing and therefore I convinced myself I wanted them. There was also a period of really bad depression when I wanted something entirely reliant on me.

Now, I have ways of managing my depression, and actually realising I didn't have to have kids made me realise how much I actually find them hard work and nothing more. Love my nieces and nephews, and also love when I can hand them back to their owner. Works well for me

IcedPurple · 28/04/2020 18:22

Meh, reproductive evolution doesn't care about overpopulation.

It also doesn't care about career paths or social norms.

If reproduction were driven by 'biological urges' as some here are arguing, why do most educated women in western countries have only 1 or 2 kids, and have them relatively late in life? Surely the 'biological urge' would kick in around the age of 14, and wouldn't subside once the woman has 'completed her family' according to the expectations of her particular society?

walkingchuckydoll · 28/04/2020 18:22

Although I do think that most people actively want them, there also is pressure on couples that don't.

I have friends who actively don't want children (she hates children, he hated his childhood and doesn't believe he'll be a good dad). They've been told that they were selfish not to give his mum a grandchild (she doesn't care), she was selfish for not giving her husband an heir (really) and they were plain weird for not wanting kids.

Dh and I needed 7 years of ivf (after several years of trying) to get pregnant. I've been told several times that it was high time that we had children. I've been told by "friends" that they found it very inconvenient for them that I didn't have kids stuff and a stair gate. I've been warned so many times about my age. I fucking started TTC in my twenties! I've been there where I had news, like we're getting married, and that people assumed that we would be expecting. I gave a big party for a milestone birthday and two mum friends talked about they're kids and nothing else, completely ignored me and DH even when standing right next to them for ten minutes trying to say hello. They actually did this to me at another party as well. I have been made to feel absolutely worthless as a woman if I don't have kids.

Jaxhog · 28/04/2020 18:25

I agree, although I think the biological urge is strong in many. It's a shame though, that too many people don't think beyond the end of next week regarding how they're going to look after them for 18+ years!

englishrosie · 28/04/2020 18:27

YANBU. I totally agree with you but you will get people commenting who are frustrated that they never considered the fact that they had a choice and so they will lash out.

I completely and utterly agree with everything you've said. I'm 25 and I have decided not to have children. For the following reasons:

  1. Too much upheaval
  2. Too much expense
  3. They ruin relationships
  4. They ruin your body and vagina
  5. They're annoying. After all that there's no guaruntee that they will like you, or that you'll like them.

And many many more...

sahbear · 28/04/2020 18:43

At 25 a lot of people don't want children. Are desires change as we mature.

sahbear · 28/04/2020 18:43

*our not are

CarlottaValdez · 28/04/2020 18:46

I think it was mostly FOMO for me. It seemed like such a huge huge part of the human experience to miss out on. I’m not saying that’s right but it’s how I honestly felt. Also I liked my family growing up very much and wanted to recreate it in some way.

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/04/2020 18:48

I find other people’s children annoying as well.

My own are the best thing to ever happen to me and I wish I had started so much earlier and feel I missed out on having at least 3 or 4 more children.

Now adult. Dd, Ds and me have our own set of friends and close friends but together we are all best friends.
I would miss out on so much laughter if they weren’t around.

minipie · 28/04/2020 18:49

Hormonal urge here.

Without the biological urge, I agree that having children makes very little objective sense.

justonecottonpickingminute · 28/04/2020 18:49

If this were the reason, it would be largely unconscious, which is how socialisation works, so people are hardly going to post en masse going 'yup; that's me. Too conventional to think about what I might really want'.

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/04/2020 18:50

I had the shortest childhood

I brought my children up doing the exact opposite to how my mother brought me up.
It must have been the right thing to do as my children say they had an awesome childhood.

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