To think that most people have children because it's just the done thing

[MaryMaryContrary]

AIBU to think that most people have children because it's just the done thing?

Given the massive upheaval children cause to your life and that we're living in 2020 when different lifestyles are more acceptable, surely we should all really be thinking through our reasoning for having children. Or is it just a hormonal urge?

If you don't think through the reasoning beforehand, do you think it can cause regret when the children arrive?

Shittest not shortest.

I don't think anyone has them for this reason anymore because it's 2020 and society isn't pushing motherhood down our throats anymore.

They might not realise it, or would never admit it, but I bet there are loads of people who had kids because, well.....that's what you do, isn't it.

At 25 a lot of people don't want children. Are desires change as we mature.

Which is why the wish to have children is not a 'biological urge'. It's a want.

Hormonal urge here.

What do you mean by that though? Hormones are easily measured and studied. Which particular hormone was causing this 'urge'? If you could have had levels of that hormone reduced, would the 'urge' have lessened or disappeared?

I’m childfree by choice, and I have no doubt that almost everyone in my position has given a great deal of thought to their decision.

I also work in a predominantly male environment, and have done for many years. This has led me to form the view that many men view having children very differently to most women. In my experience a substantial number of men are ambivalent, at best, about becoming fathers and do so only because their partners desperately want them.

Most people I know had contraception failures, a much smaller number were actually planned in as lets have a baby now.

@cantory how can you possibly know that level of detail about most people you know with children?

Except my closest friends I wouldn't know that.

@AgeLikeWine You make some interesting observations. You mentioned that almost everyone in your position has given it a great deal of thought. I have a mixture of friends who either have children or are childfree and the ones who are childfree are observationally the ones who do think about things more. They're the deep thinkers.

IcedPurple

I don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t hormones. All I know is that I didn’t particularly want children, right up until about age 31 when in the space of a few months I went from “why do people have babies fgs, can’t see the appeal” to “wantababywantababy”.

I can’t explain the u turn based on anything else. I’ve never been particularly fussed about following convention so doubt it was that, especially given the suddenness of it.

The fact is that we are animals and animals do appear to have a built in desire to reproduce. The extraordinary thing is that some of us have managed to get logic to overcome that.

The fact is that we are animals and animals do appear to have a built in desire to reproduce.

As I've said before, I'd say the desire is to have sex, not to reproduce.

Also, if this desire were so 'built-in', why didn't you feel it when you first became capable of reproduction, around the age of 14 or so? Our actual built-in biological urges - like sleeping, eating and drinking - kick in the very moment we are born.

The extraordinary thing is that some of us have managed to get logic to overcome that.

But some of us don't have any need to 'overcome' that desire - with logic or anything else - simply because we've never had it. If this 'urge' were really 'built-in' wouldn't pretty much all of us feel it?

I knew from being a young child that I wanted to be a mummy. This never changed throughout my teens and early twenties. Got married relatively early (25) and ended up having ivf at 27. Now have 1 dc. The massive urge to have another never came, though it might have happened had I been able to conceive naturally.

not us both kids were tried and tried for
5 years for son 1 and 4 years of fertility treatment for son 2

we do want another one but cant afford the treatment

i was 23 and 30 so no ticking clock and no hormonal urges as i dont have any(severe pcos and no periods)

I think there is something in the OP. I’m always mystified at how many posts there are talking about how hard it is. Why does that surprise people? It’s not a secret. That makes me think a lot of people just ignore reality and hope for the best.

I’m childfree, and also no nieces/nephews. I’m glad of that as I would hate to have to pretend to be interested in them. I have. friends with children. I have no interest in the kids beyond the effect they have on my friends. So I don’t care that little Johnny aced his exams, but I am happy that it makes my friend happy.

I always knew I’d have children one day. As a child I’d think about how I’d parent my own kids. I didn’t just want children, I wanted grandchildren and a family around me.

It’s not like I imagined, I’m divorced and my children are not NT so the family I wanted is rather different to the one I have, but I have absolutely no regrets, except possibly my choice of their father!

I think it's the default to assume you will have children, in quite the same way that it's the default to assume you'll be attracted to people of the opposite sex.

I definitely assumed I would have children from quite an early age, and started looking forward to it and wanting it because of that assumption. I don't think very many people get to adulthood thinking of having children as something other people do, and then suddenly start to think of it in relation to themselves out of the blue.

We're sort of programmed to see the lifestyle our parents had as we were growing up as the norm, I think. And since it would be impossible to be raised by people who hadn't had children, that is of course the role model you're going to see. Unless maybe your parents have mainly child free friends (who for some reason want to spend significant time with you as a child?) you're just not going to be exposed to the idea that some people have children and some don't. As a child, the world is quite simple. Adults have children, and since you're going to be an adult I've day you'll have children of your own one day as well.

@minipie I think I'd agree with categorising it as biological imperative tempered by societal halting points that have become more pronounced and also more widespread over the last century. Generally, the more prosperous a society is, the more people there are with tertiary level education, the higher standard of living there is, the more the birth rate drops and the higher first time maternal age is. These same patterns are replicated again and again and now in first wave capitalist societies we have a significant minority disengaged entirely from the crude reproductive imperative and who, in circular fashion, are enabled to be so due largely to the very fact that the society they live in is so fiscally inclined that survival and indeed the ability to prosper does not require familial ties.

I wanted a family with children in it with my husband. My 2 are 11 and 13 and so far it has been an absolute privilege being their mother. I have loved it all, from the baby stage right through to now. They are brilliant kids, funny, intelligent, interested, helpful. I love hanging out with them, love listening to their viewpoint on the world. I have never for one second regretted my decision to be a mother, I'm very lucky that parenting to date has always felt natural and I've never found particularly difficult.

I don't feel like parenting has held me back from anything else I have wanted to do either and to be honest it feels like it has gone by in a blink of an eye. In a few years I will be in my mid 40s, my children will be grown and a whole new chapter will start. Hopefully my life will be more than long enough that I will have experienced many years of life both raising children and as someone who has raised them and can now do anything else they like.

I'm 33 weeks pregnant with my first (and potentially only child). This baby was very much planned and is wanted but I can't say I had any kind of strong urge. I've never been broody or really felt that pull to have a baby. I've always thought, 'I'll have a family at some point, when I'm older, when I'm ready'. The truth is, I still don't feel 'ready', it's more a case of the following for me:

I'm in my mid-30s now and am aware my biological clock is ticking (it's now or never type feeling). If I had a few more guaranteed fertile years on my side then I would have left it longer.

I don't want to regret not having a family in years to come when the possibility has passed me by.

I don't want to deprive my parents of a grandchild/grandchildren (not that they've ever put pressure on me about this).

I've never liked being around kids but I've been assured it's very different when they're your own which I quite believe to be the case.

Long story short, I can't honest say I'm having a child because I really want one, it's more down to a fear of potential regret further down the line. I don't know anyone who's regretted having kids but I do know a few who have regretted not having them.

I don't know anyone who's regretted having kids

If you do a search here, you'll find quite a few people who regret having children.

Every time you make a decision, big or small, there is the possibility you may one day regret it. That goes for the decision to have children too.

I spent £13000 on fertility treatment to have my twins. They are donor egg babies as I have ovarian failure.

I had them because I wanted to be a mother more than anything. Even knowing my children would not be genetically related to me didn’t stop me. I honestly couldn’t see a future for myself without children in it. I don’t think I’d have survived. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

I've never liked being around kids but I've been assured it's very different when they're your own which I quite believe to be the case

FFS, it's not a bloody accumulator down the bookies you know, it's an actual human being. I hope your gamble pays off, I really do...

At 25 a lot of people don't want children. Our desires change as we mature.

At 25 I didn’t want children, and at 46 I still don’t. Admittedly being a lesbian stops contraception failure being an issue.

But surely the only real reason to have kids is because you really, really want them?

Nobody’s asked what people without kids are doing on Mumsnet yet!

Definitely had my DD because I wanted her more than anything. I knew it would’ve tough but I underestimated how fulfilling and wonderful it would be. Definitely the best thing that has happened in my lifetime.

Nobody’s asked what people without kids are doing on Mumsnet yet!

Give it time