To think that most people have children because it's just the done thing

[MaryMaryContrary]

AIBU to think that most people have children because it's just the done thing?

Given the massive upheaval children cause to your life and that we're living in 2020 when different lifestyles are more acceptable, surely we should all really be thinking through our reasoning for having children. Or is it just a hormonal urge?

If you don't think through the reasoning beforehand, do you think it can cause regret when the children arrive?

Give it time

Are we ready to point & laugh & shout BINGO?

My card's already filling up quite nicely thanks to the people who don't have children telling people who do have them why they've done so. Oh and we had an early showing of the "overpopulation" bonus ball as well, which was good.

@ViciousJackdaw Me too! Every decision we make in life is a gamble, this is one worth taking for me personally. As I said, this baby was planned and is wanted, I just didn't have that internal longing that some others have.

I think looking at the results it's quite clear that many people have children without wanting them.

(not any of the posters here, obviously. we're all considerate and responsible people )

But have a read of the Stately Homes threads and similar; or talk to those involved in Child Protection; or even (and my goodness I'm feeling such a judgy bitch here) look around the primary school playground at pickup time. It's quite clear that at the very least, having a baby was not a considered active choice between definite options for everyone.

(and the number of people who manage to get pregnant in the first 18 months of a relationship never ceases to amaze me)

Also, people tell a woman who says she doesn't want children how selfish she is (something I've never understood, because my reasons for wanting children were entirely selfish and I'm quite happy for everyone else to worry about overpopulation...)

Originally, of course, once you got married it was largely expected that you'd have a baby this year or next (or possibly even this month, in the case of a couple of my ancestral horde). My parents married in 1958 and by 1960 were being asked "no children yet then?" - their contraceptive clinic reference number was in the low double digits.

Loads of pressure from my dm, who was quite frankly a shit, neglectful mother who would rather go to the pub than actually be a mother. I think looking at her ‘parenting’, I worried that I’d be a shit parent too. I had no biological urge and looking at nieces and nephews (one set have parents who didn’t parent), I’m bloody delighted not to have had any!

I would agree that my friends who are childfree are the more logical and less emotional personalities.

Some, maybe, not all. I’m overly emotional, I have to fight to keep from crying at sad TV etc or being too enthusiastic when telling someone something important also can make me emotional. I have it very under control at work, it’s only at home where it’s ‘safe’ to be emotional.

I think it's a mixture between actually really wanting children and it being the done thing.

I'm children by choice and happy with my decision. I'm 50. Theres also many societal issues at play. For example I work with very vulnerable teenagers and for a lot of the girls having a baby is a sense of achievement and something for themselves, options that have been denied to them due to their backgrounds, expectations from living lives without class assumptions around education.

Theres more than personal wishes at play, religion for some is a huge factor too. Statistically children women tend to be more educated and in the higher socio economic bracket.

Personal choice is as influenced by social background as it is by the assumption that having children is the norm.

My card's already filling up quite nicely thanks to the people who don't have children telling people who do have them why they've done so.

Haha, I was thinking that too. These threads are always the same, people who don't have children telling people who do what it is like to have children. I can never relate to what they are saying, which isn't surprising really.

Well the overpopulation thing is a fact! But not one all people with children are willing to accept.

I really don't get the overpopulation thing. Are we really supposed to just stop having children and let us all die out?
I have no issue with people remaining childless and have a few friends in that category. What I find odd is people who act lile being childless is the only selfless way. Who do you expext to be looking after you when you're 80 and not contributing to society anymore? Younger doctors, carers, nurses.

If you want to get into overpopulation, it's the fact we have an ageing population and too many older people.

I think a lot of men could take or leave them but the biological urge is there for many women.

For this thread, I can only think to link it to sex!

A large proportion of people do it for biological urge. Another large proportion do it because it's kind of the done thing. I know so many women like this. Worldwide especially, it's hard to know what the major category is.

I'd say biological urge, otherwise it wouldn't still be happening (both).

Are we really supposed to just stop having children and let us all die out?

With a global population headed for 8 billion people - double what it was only 50 years ago - that's somewhat unlikely.

But it's not like people have children because they're lying awake at night worrying about homo sapiens becoming extinct, is it? Not that that would be a bad thing for the planet. People have children for selfish reasons, just as people remain childfree for selfish reasons. Neither 'side' is better than the other.

I don’t agree that people have babies because it’s the “done” thing - I personally couldn’t care less what other people are doing! I do however think that there is some kind of biological imperative that makes some women (myself included) feel like they REALLY need/want a baby even when it seems quite irrational. I mean, I already know I won’t be able to cope with a third child - physically, mentally, financially- but I still really want one! (I probably won’t have one though).

If it's a biological imperative it should apply to all women?

It's very easy and convenient to put it down to that, because then you don't need to justify it - whereas people who choose not to have children are often asked to justify their choice.

@HarryHarry This is the hormonal urge I was referring to in my original post.

@SerenDippitty Exactly. The whole 'biological imperative' talk is so vague and meaningless. I asked a PP who mentioned 'hormonal urges' about precisely which hormone was causing these 'urges' and there was no real answer. Likewise, I challenge anyone here to say what is the exact biological mechanism behind this 'biological urge' - biology, after all, is a science and it should be possible to observe and analyse such an 'urge'. Scientists can tell us in some detail about the way actual biological urges - hunger and thirst for example - operate, and what are the consequences of those urges not being satisfied. Not that we need scientists to tell us the latter.

How, exactly, does the 'biological urge' to have children function, and why does it not operate at all in quite a few women? In what way am I, a woman who has never wanted children, biologically distinct from a woman who has had this 'biological urge'?

I haven't had children because I don't want any.

@lockdownbirthdayhelp Because I have been told lots of times, we did want to have a baby, but weren't planning to have one quite yet...

Isn't it the case that over half of kids are not planned?

It's fine to say you had children because you wanted them. Where as talk of biological urges can be quite upsetting for those who don't feel like that. As a previous poster has already said, it makes people worried that there's something wrong with them for not feeling that way.

I’m pregnant. I’ve never had even the slightest urge to have a child. But it happened and I didn’t particularly want to have a termination so I’m going with it. Non-conventional but I’m hoping it’ll work out for us.

It’s interesting how pissed off some of you seem to be about this when you’re challenging me to come up with some kind of scientific explanation for it. I said I THINK there’s some kind of biological imperative. I don’t KNOW that there is and I certainly don’t know what might cause it! All I can say is that based on my own experiences, I wanted a child even when it was unreasonable to have one under the circumstances, and my heart (or hormones, or whatever) trumped my brain! Perhaps other women are less susceptible to this “urge” or are able to override it with logic, I don’t know! I do not feel the need to justify my choices to @SerenDippitty (or anyone else) nor do I expect others to justify theirs.

I’m pregnant. I’ve never had even the slightest urge to have a child. But it happened and I didn’t particularly want to have a termination so I’m going with it. Non-conventional but I’m hoping it’ll work out for us.

Wow. I really wish I could trade places with you.

And I’m also not going to say what I think for fear that someone MIGHT get upset.

Why even bother joining a discussion if you only want to read posts that you agree with, or that can be backed up with scientific evidence, or that don’t contain anything that might hurt your feelings in some way? I thought the OP was just asking for people’s thoughts!

As I've said before, I'd say the desire is to have sex, not to reproduce.

How do you explain the species out there who reproduce without having sex? Fish for example. Why do they bother? It can’t be for the pleasure of sex.

“Desire” is probably the wrong word. It suggests it’s something we want because we think it’s going to be nice. Urge or drive is a better word.