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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Concerned about DD wanting to run away and “start a new life” after divorce

248 replies

Greydaysagain · 28/04/2020 13:37

DD is 30 and in the process of getting divorced following a 5 year marriage and 12 year relationship. The divorce was initiated by DD on the grounds that she felt they had grown apart and she just didn’t love him anymore. It’s been very sad as he was a lovely man who is devastated and I worry that DD will come to regret the decision.

DD intends to move hundreds of miles away to London, to start a new life for herself. DD’s reasons are predominantly that she can’t stand the thought of bumping in to DH, his family or their shared friends after the divorce (we live in a close knit, rural area) and wants to move somewhere nobody knows her so that she can start afresh and enjoy herself. There are no DC involved and DD earns a good wage working from home, however, she’ll know nobody and have no support from her family and friends close by. This is a particular concern as DD is very much an extrovert and her happiness relies heavily on the ability to socialise with others. The area where we live now is very much a community and everyone knows one another, whereas London will be a totally different kettle of fish.

DD seems to think that she’ll easily make a wide group of new friends in London, will develop a fantastic social life with lots to do etc. AIBU in thinking that this is unrealistic for anyone who decides to leave entire life behind and particularly in a busy and unfriendly city such as london? Would genuinely be interested to hear others views before I decide how to approach this with DD.

OP posts:
hula008 · 28/04/2020 13:38

I find London quite friendly. She can always move elsewhere if she doesn't enjoy it!

lockdownbirthdayhelp · 28/04/2020 13:38

Honestly? I think she's 30 years old and you should let her make her own decisions.

Lllot5 · 28/04/2020 13:39

Well I think it’s up to her tbh.
I’m not sure I would chuck everything in and move away but if that’s what she wants to do so be it.

supercee · 28/04/2020 13:40

God if I could afford it I'd love to move to London and start again, make new friends etc. I'm late 30's.

I think you should give her nothing but support.

FadedRed · 28/04/2020 13:41

She’s 30 years old. You need to butt out and let her live her life.

PatriciaHolm · 28/04/2020 13:41

She'll be fine, especially if she has a job to go to. Sounds a great adventure and maybe just what she needs - parochial, insular village life isn't for all.

I would try keep yourself out of it. It's not your life, and London isn't, in my experience, unfriendly, especially if she is a natural extrovert.

You clearly don't approve, either of her split or her move, but you don't have to. Don't drive a wedge between you by disapproving.

ChrissieKeller61 · 28/04/2020 13:41

Sometimes a break is exactly what you need post divorce, stops you wallowing and forces you to rebuild the life you want. I think it sounds a great plan

hettie · 28/04/2020 13:42

Sounds like she's growing up...She was in a settled relationship in her home town at 18......She wants to spread her wings. London is incredibly social, literally any activity/type of group you could think of. She can be whoever she wants to be....

Nicksback · 28/04/2020 13:42

You need to support her and let her do what she feels she needs to! If it doesn't turn out for her, she can always come back but least she's given it a shot and with the support of her family!

2007Millie · 28/04/2020 13:42

London is by far the friendliest place I have lived.

The only people who think it isn't friendly are the ones who have never lived there.

WoeIsMee · 28/04/2020 13:42

You’ve posted about this a few times haven’t you?

She’s 30 and has been in a LTR since she was 18. She wants to live a little! Let her have her adventure in peace, why shouldn’t she?

BirdieFriendReturns · 28/04/2020 13:43

Who DOESN’T want to run away and start a new life? I would go to Australia personally.

Daisylily656 · 28/04/2020 13:43

I think it's a very good idea, I left a relationship in my late teens and moved away. It was the best decision I ever made.

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/04/2020 13:44

This is a great plan. She’s been in a relationship since she was a teen, she probably does need to find herself a bit. London isn’t unfriendly at all, and if she’s an extrovert she’ll be fine, especially if she’s up for getting out there and trying things. If she can keep working from home she’s already flexible and can live anywhere. It’ll probably do her a world of good.

wincarwoo · 28/04/2020 13:44

Yep agree that London is friendly and so much to do. Loads of social groups for different interests. Moved here when I was 26 and twenty years later can't even consider leaving.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 28/04/2020 13:44

I wouldn't approach it at all, to be honest. And I have DDs the same age as yours, so I'm assuming we are roughly the same age.

I'd have been livid if my mother had expressed opinions on the way I chose to live my life at 30. She is an adult, there are no children involved, and she is perfectly at liberty to decide what she wants to do in the future.

I'll be brutally honest and say that both your title and post sound patronising OP, and I'd have been offended (as would my own DDs) if my mother had expressed these kind of thoughts to me. It sounds as though you disapprove of her decisions - both to divorce, and to move towns, but it's bugger all to do with you, frankly.

Keeva2017 · 28/04/2020 13:44

What do you want from this? Regardless of what posters say this is (in the kindest way) absolutely nothing to do with you. Your role is to listen, encourage and remind her where you are if she needs you. That’s literally it.

minettechatouette · 28/04/2020 13:44

What's an "unfriendly city"? A "tight knit rural community" sounds like a nightmare for a young single person! It makes me feel itchy just thinking about it. Of course she will have better social, romantic and likely professional in a city. You are being very unreasonable!

LightenUpSummer · 28/04/2020 13:44

I think it's really nice that you care OP.

She'll probably do it anyway, and chances are she'll be fine. I'd do that same now I'm divorced, except I've got dc.

PlanetMJ · 28/04/2020 13:44

No good can come of you approaching her with the view that her plan is not going to go well OP. The reality us, until she tries it, there is no way to know how things will go and an attempt to pooh pooh her dream could alienate her.

I wonder if your fears are grounded in imagining yourself heading off to London rather than trying to see it from her point of view.

Even if it doesn't work out, I think you just have to keep your reservations to yourself and support her. Let her know you are there for her however things turn out.

I think she is really brave to make changes to try and have the life she wants. We only get one shot at it and better to try and fail than always wonder.

minettechatouette · 28/04/2020 13:44

better social, romantic and likely professional *opportunities

Dollywilde · 28/04/2020 13:45

Maybe one factor in her wanting to leave is the fact you clearly disapprove of the divorce.

London can be whatever you want it to be, and it sounds like a great opportunity for her to develop her own life away from your ‘close knit’ community and the relationship she’s been in since she was 18. Frankly I think good on her, she’s only a third of the way through her life god willing and life is for living. Your post makes me happy that she’s doing it, not worried.

SylvanianFrenemies · 28/04/2020 13:45

Let her live her life.

As an extrovert she will likely make friends wherever she lives.

Any time I've visited London I have not found people unfriendly- unless you stand on the wrong bit on an escalator!

FizzyPink · 28/04/2020 13:45

My old housemate was also 30 and from a very rural area of Scotland. Over the couple of years we lived together at least 3 of her home friends who were in very similar situations to your daughters realised they wanted more from life so divorced and moved to London for some adventure.
They are all flourishing and are extremely happy living a life they never imagined possible for themselves a few years ago.

TheTeenageYears · 28/04/2020 13:47

If she's getting divorced anyway and needing to find somewhere else to live plus works from home there really isn't much risk. If she were giving up a job to move that might be a bit different but really where's the harm? She might hate it in which case she moves back but she might love it and make a whole new life for herself.