Concerned about DD wanting to run away and “start a new life” after divorce

[Greydaysagain]

DD is 30 and in the process of getting divorced following a 5 year marriage and 12 year relationship. The divorce was initiated by DD on the grounds that she felt they had grown apart and she just didn’t love him anymore. It’s been very sad as he was a lovely man who is devastated and I worry that DD will come to regret the decision.

DD intends to move hundreds of miles away to London, to start a new life for herself. DD’s reasons are predominantly that she can’t stand the thought of bumping in to DH, his family or their shared friends after the divorce (we live in a close knit, rural area) and wants to move somewhere nobody knows her so that she can start afresh and enjoy herself. There are no DC involved and DD earns a good wage working from home, however, she’ll know nobody and have no support from her family and friends close by. This is a particular concern as DD is very much an extrovert and her happiness relies heavily on the ability to socialise with others. The area where we live now is very much a community and everyone knows one another, whereas London will be a totally different kettle of fish.

DD seems to think that she’ll easily make a wide group of new friends in London, will develop a fantastic social life with lots to do etc. AIBU in thinking that this is unrealistic for anyone who decides to leave entire life behind and particularly in a busy and unfriendly city such as london? Would genuinely be interested to hear others views before I decide how to approach this with DD.

London isn't unfriendly, I made loads of friends and I am not the most extroverted person. It's up to her, it's not the other side of the world and she can always move away if she doesn't like it.

Christ almighty in all honesty, I thought you were talking about a 13-15 yo until I read the word divorce. A grown adult doesn’t “run away”. Are you sure your apprehensions are more about you than her?

I did this at the same age as your DD. Left a long term relationship and moved to London. Got a room in a shared house and had an amazing time for a few years. This is definitely the age to do it - you can handle sharing with others and you don't mind spending ages on public transport to see friends. There is so much to do and so many opportunities for social stuff. It was a brilliant experience for me and I am so glad I did it.

If you're honest with yourself, do you think you're more upset because she is moving away from you? If so, it's completely understandable to feel that way, but probably part of letting our DC spread their wings.

It could be that there are other reasons for her wanting a divorce, but they may be too personal or intimate for her to feel able to discuss them with you.

She has clearly made her mind up, so I suggest you keep your own thoughts and feelings out of it, and just support her decision.

She's a 30 year old woman who wants a fresh start after her divorce. You have to let her live her own life. You will do her absolutely no favours by projecting your own worries on to her. Your job is to love and support her in what she decides to do, not pour cold water on her dreams because you're an anxious mother hen who doesn't want her chick to stray too far from the henhouse.

If she's wrong, she will find that out for herself. She's a big girl now, let go.

I think perhaps you are projecting your fear that you will miss her. Let her go and live her life!

Good for her! This sounds like the perfect antidote to such a huge breakup, you should be behind her all the way.

Don't 'approach it' with her.
Just let her get on with it and wish her luck! She sounds like she's perfect for London and will have a fabulous time.

OP, I wonder if the bottom line is that you will miss her?
She is 30, London is very expensive compared to rest of UK and unlikely unless she earns very well that buying a house as a single person will be easy..Renting is dead money...but you have to let her go.

IF you really miss her, maybe you can move nearer?.....
I was born brought up in West London/Richmond and LOVED it as a teenager, young person, but had to move away after not being able to afford a house in the area.

Is this the same DD who earns £65k but you were worried she wouldn't be able to afford to live in London?

I think it sounds like a brilliant idea and the perfect place for a fresh start. You'll miss her of course, but it could be the making of her. The only thing is right now is a hard time with social distancing etc.

Lifelong Londoner

I don't like it any more but she will find absolutely stacks of people and interesting things to do.

You should keep out of it regardless.

Was anyone else on that thread where the OP said her 27 year old daughter was getting divorced, earning £65k and the OP was sticking her oar in about where the daughter should live / how much she should spend on rent?

Is this the same poster with some details changed?

Wasn't this posted last week except the DD was 27?

I moved to Japan for a year in my mid-twenties on a jolly. It's character-building. My mum didn't like that very much either, but it wasn't her life. If your DD is happy with it, leave her be.

edit: should read ''will not be easy''.... {to buy house as single earner} but however painful, have to let adult DC's be free to make own decisions.

So she's been with her h since she was 18? Sounds like she wants to recapture her lost youth and live a little, do things she didn't get the chance to do when she was 18. Let her! She can always come back if things don't work out.

Sounds like your dd is finally getting her independence - about 10 years later than most admittedly. Good for her for having the presence of mind to realise that.

It sounds like a woman of your daughters age,and her outgoing nature, would be able to go anywhere to start anew.She is sure to make new friends quickly in London,and have a new lease of life,so don't be worrying about her !

Nearly everyone thought my ex was a lovely man too... he was an abusive shit. Not saying your daughter's ex is abusive but I'm just making the point that knowing someone is an entirely different kettle of fish to living with them.

I'm also guessing from the tone of your post that you've not been entirely supportive of your daughter through her marriage and separation.

What does she have to lose? What are you actually worried about? If she doesnt like it cant she just come back to her small town?

Also, for the love of all that's holy, stay out of the divorce issue. Your daughter does not need to hear how much you love the man she's decided to leave.

Why do you need to approach it with her at all? This is precisely the kind of thing my mum would do, and probably why I'm reluctant to tell her stuff!

I assumed from the title it would be a 13 year old wanting to run away because her parents were divorcing! Not a 30 year old choosing to move to a different area away from her parents. It's time to cut the apron strings, OP.

London is a great place to meet new people.

London didn't suit me but I know many others love living there. She'll never know until she tries it will she?

@GabriellaMontez You could say... that DD has to go her own way. (Love the username.)