Concerned about DD wanting to run away and “start a new life” after divorce

[Greydaysagain]

DD is 30 and in the process of getting divorced following a 5 year marriage and 12 year relationship. The divorce was initiated by DD on the grounds that she felt they had grown apart and she just didn’t love him anymore. It’s been very sad as he was a lovely man who is devastated and I worry that DD will come to regret the decision.

DD intends to move hundreds of miles away to London, to start a new life for herself. DD’s reasons are predominantly that she can’t stand the thought of bumping in to DH, his family or their shared friends after the divorce (we live in a close knit, rural area) and wants to move somewhere nobody knows her so that she can start afresh and enjoy herself. There are no DC involved and DD earns a good wage working from home, however, she’ll know nobody and have no support from her family and friends close by. This is a particular concern as DD is very much an extrovert and her happiness relies heavily on the ability to socialise with others. The area where we live now is very much a community and everyone knows one another, whereas London will be a totally different kettle of fish.

DD seems to think that she’ll easily make a wide group of new friends in London, will develop a fantastic social life with lots to do etc. AIBU in thinking that this is unrealistic for anyone who decides to leave entire life behind and particularly in a busy and unfriendly city such as london? Would genuinely be interested to hear others views before I decide how to approach this with DD.

Good for her!!

Due to your lack of support and clear feelings about it, I wonder how much longer she actually stayed with him than she wanted to?

And why on earth would you need to 'approach' it with her? Apart from throwing your support behind her new life and new adventure, what else were you planning on doing/saying?

She settled too early, it happens, and she now wants to spread her wings. Surely you are glad she realised this while she's still young enough to do so?

She's your child, not your possession, you've done your mothering bit and now you need to let her go and live her life

And try to be really bloody proud of her for it. It sounds like there’s a great deal to be proud of.

@MissHoskins Don't suppose you'd like to adopt me? You sound terrific.

OP, I don't mean this unkindly, but I am wondering whether living near an overbearing mother who clearly believes she has made a mistake ending her marriage and has strong views about how she should live her life isn't part of the reason why she is so keen to move hundreds of miles away to London.

Your job as a mother is to raise your child from a tiny helpless baby into an independent adult who is self-sufficient and capable of making their own decisions.

I get that it might be hard from you to be relegated from the centre of her world (which you were when she was a tiny girl) to someone who sits on the sidelines and watches while she gets on with her life, but if she is capable of moving to London and building a new life for herself, it means you've done something right as a mother.

You have to let her do her own thing, as hard as that might be. You might have been delighted that she married the nice safe boy she met at school. You might have been looking forward to her having children and you having an active role in raising your grandchildren. If that's the case, your disappointment is understandable.

But if she doesn't love her husband anymore, she doesn't love him. And if she's not happy living in the local area anymore, she's not happy. You can't expect her to stay in a marriage and life which is making her unhappy just because that's what you would prefer. Surely you don't want her to be near you and living her life your way, but utterly miserable?

Trust me, you will have a much better and closer relationship with your daughter if you allow her to cut the apron strings and pursue her dreams. She will really appreciate your wholehearted support.

Let go OP.

Why not try being happy for your daughter that she has realised that there is more to life than being in a relationship in which she is wondering "is this it?!". That's a great thing to learn. If she doesn't try to find out who she is and what she wants she will never know - obviously if she had kids, things would be different, but she doesn't. Lots of people meet their partners young and are happy and develop as adults together. But equally many people have a first relationship in which the "fun" of the relationship is as much about enjoying being in a relationship and as this wears off they outgrow that relationship as they mature and never look back. Have you thought that your daughter has been unhappy for a long time and stayed in that relationship perhaps for years only to please you or some of these people she would now like to escape? How difficult to have to see those people every day.

I think you'd like her to settle because you are afraid for you. I can empathise with that. But seriously, you have to let this go and let your daughter live as she wants to live.

If you are supportive now, then if things don't work out she may be back and if things do then she will visit and let you see some of her new life. If not, then she will try another option, as far away from you as possible.

I'm excited for your daughter reading your OP. I nannied in London for a year, I've never lived there and I still have two lovely friends from that time in my life that I met from there. If it wasn't for the expense id live there in a heartbeat.

Sounds great. I’d do the same if I was brave enough. She will cope well if she is an extrovert. She clearly wasn’t happy in the marriage and it seems you are slightly judgement of her for not putting up with it?

Oh my god, are you the same poster who said she wouldn’t be able to afford London?

This is so so clearly all based on your own issues! Why not just post the truth and you might get some helpful replies: I can’t cope with my daughter making a life on her own away from me.

You should want her to see more of the world than she has so far, marrying at 18 and living in a "tight knit " community where everybody knows everybody's business and married to a man who controls her finances. She sounds great, and she has her head screwed on with this move.

It also wouldn't surprise me if part of her will be relieved to escape your overbearing clutches. You are being really unsupportive and judgemental of her.

Also, London is NOT an unfriendly city. That's what people say who've never lived there and barely go there. Just because people are quiet on the tube doesn't mean they're unfriendly. They just don't like to impose. Which is probably what she needs right now instead of a close knit community where every busybody asks about her divorce. There an abundance of things to do in London, free things, thousands of groups and activities. Perfect for your DD to thrive.

Oh no I’ve just seen you’re the same poster as the last thread about her managing on a huge salary of 65k. Why are you trying to limit her so much?

Are you the mum who posted about her daughter not earning enough to relocate to London following her divorce? If so you sound very overbearing and it’s really not about you!

You’re going to push her away if you carry on like this

From your title I expected the post to be a post a young teen sick of lockdown not someone who has been an adult for two decades.

I should also ask whether perhaps you have this take on it because you stayed in a so-so relationship yourself?

She's going to love it, and if she doesn't, she can always come home. It sounds like not much will have changed.

I think you might need to consider that it's not her ex she doesn't want to run into on a daily basis.

Why not try being happy for your daughter that she has realised that there is more to life than being in a relationship in which she is wondering "is this it?!". That's a great thing to learn.

This, 100%.

I'm sure there are millions of middle aged women out there who settled and have been stuck in the same unsatisfying marriage for 20+ years or who ignored their niggling doubts and ended up getting divorced in their 40s instead, who wish they had had the courage of their convictions and followed their dreams when they were still young enough to start over again.

I understand that the bright lights of towns and cities and the new roads must seem very different to your local shops. But you and your DD clearly have different opinions on precious things and you cannot keep her locked up in the attic forever. London is a great place to live when you're her age and one thing is certain - she won't be met with a chorus of 'There's nothing for you here'. Nobody will care that she isn't local. Nobody will corrupt her mind with colours, sounds and shapes.

She’s not running away... she’s making a proactive choice to move somewhere and try it out. If it doesn’t work, she can come back or maybe try somewhere else!

It sounds like in hindsight she settled down far too young and regrets missing out on living a bit more in her 20’s. She’ll have a great time!

Sounds fabulous! Bet she's so stifled there. Best of luck, OP's DD!

I lived in London from 22 to 32, I had a blast. I'm sure your dd will do too.

I can see where this OP is coming from. When her daughter married and stayed close to home, the OP clearly enjoyed her own life. She got on well with her son in law and his family. She probably anticipated having grandchildren nearby. Her daughter is 30 (or 27!) and she probably thought this was how her life would be - full of family and extended family.

Now her daughter has pulled the rug from under her feet and wants to run away to London. I can't blame the daughter - who would want to face ex-ILs every time they left the house? If the daughter had done this at 18, the OP would be used to her life by now, but this has obviously come as a terrible shock to her.

OP, all you can do is support your daughter and have faith that she'll meet someone equally as nice, with an equally nice family. Your life is changing but it's not over.

I left aged 30. Made my own life.
Fab, made my own mistakes sorted them out myself being you know - an adult!

My parents just wanted me to be their daughter and were so disappointed in me having the audacity to have my own mind that over several years they moved from dissuading to undermining to outright attack.

It has put a rift between us bigger than you can imagine.

Cheer from the sidelines or shut up.
And while you are doing that step out of her decisions and concentrate
on enjoying your own life and if she dares to suggest where you live or work or socialise tell her you are an adult who makes your own decisions.

The situation you describe - married at 18 in a close knit community with family and inlaws close by - sounds utterly suffocating.

She married far too young and now wants to have the fun she should have been having in her early twenties when, instead of spreading her wings, trying new things, visiting new places she was mired in the domesticity that her mother so clearly desired and approved of.

FGS - let her go. If you don’t you will materially damage your relationship with her. If you try and pressure her into doing what you want, she will resent you for the rest of your lives. If you support her and love her, she will adore you forever. Choice is yours. I know its going to be a dreadful wrench but surely you can see that she is 30 and entitled to live her own life as she chooses.

Op’s not coming back to this thread, is she.
Hope you’ve read the replies and are rethinking your attitude, Op, or you will lose her, and not just to physical distance.