Concerned about DD wanting to run away and “start a new life” after divorce

[Greydaysagain]

DD is 30 and in the process of getting divorced following a 5 year marriage and 12 year relationship. The divorce was initiated by DD on the grounds that she felt they had grown apart and she just didn’t love him anymore. It’s been very sad as he was a lovely man who is devastated and I worry that DD will come to regret the decision.

DD intends to move hundreds of miles away to London, to start a new life for herself. DD’s reasons are predominantly that she can’t stand the thought of bumping in to DH, his family or their shared friends after the divorce (we live in a close knit, rural area) and wants to move somewhere nobody knows her so that she can start afresh and enjoy herself. There are no DC involved and DD earns a good wage working from home, however, she’ll know nobody and have no support from her family and friends close by. This is a particular concern as DD is very much an extrovert and her happiness relies heavily on the ability to socialise with others. The area where we live now is very much a community and everyone knows one another, whereas London will be a totally different kettle of fish.

DD seems to think that she’ll easily make a wide group of new friends in London, will develop a fantastic social life with lots to do etc. AIBU in thinking that this is unrealistic for anyone who decides to leave entire life behind and particularly in a busy and unfriendly city such as london? Would genuinely be interested to hear others views before I decide how to approach this with DD.

You've posted about your daughter before, haven't you? I can tell you're really disappointed that your family has changed now that she's divorcing. That's natural.

Will she still work from home in London? My son does that and he's in a house with three others who all work from home in the same field - they have a great time.

I moved to London from the midlands aged 30 after the breakdown of a long term relationship. It was the best thing I've ever done.
I moved into a nice shared house with a couple of other girls the same age.
I made loads of friends through my housemates, work, friends of friends etc. And if I hadn't then there are a lot of clubs and activities I could have tried to meet people. People she lives and works with will probably make the effort to include her in things if they know she is new to London.

I changed careers when I moved and worked my way up to a really good job. I wouldn't have had the same opportunities at home.

I had lots of nights out and dated. I sometimes found the dating scene quite hard, but am now happily married.

She's 30. She's an adult and can make her own decisions. Send her on her way with your best wishes. She can always come back if it doesn't work out.. but I bet it will!

I want to hear from the solitary poster who has voted yanbu

Can you speak Russian

@SerendipityJane Even if the DH is totally lovely, I’d imagine that getting away from him and starting a new life away from the shadow of that relationship is a big motivating factor. She might want to go and just be 30 year old her.

The DD may have been feeling that she wants to leave the community she grew up in for years, but hasn’t been able to because her husband didn’t want to.

She’s young, single, solvent and there seems to be no reason why she shouldn’t go and live anywhere she likes.

You tried telling her she couldn't afford the rent on her own. That didn't work. Now you have to resort to another way to frighten her into not going.
Why don't you tell her to go, enjoy it, give it a go. That you support her no matter what her decision is. Is the 'lovely man' who is her ex husband leaning on your for support and putting pressure on you to stop her? Is there a man telling you what to do here?

Why do you need to approach this with DD? She's 30yrs old FGS, back off and let her get on with her life.

London is not unfriendly. I moved there when I was in my mid 20s and most of the people I knew had migrated there themselves. I also knew a lot of true Londoners and they were really friendly too (including DP). I lived there for over 10 yrs and moved away about 7 yrs ago. I still miss London.

You really, really need to let go, OP.

Get yourself a kitten or a puppy if you need something that’s helpless and dependent on you to feel worthwhile.

She’s 30!!!

You don’t need to approach anything with her at all- she’s a grown women and her life is her own to go and do as she chooses.

It’s not your place to tell her or dictate that she’s foolish (in your eyes only). If she doesn’t like them she’ll do something else I’m sure.she might love it!!

Seems to me your looking at it from a selfish point of view and are worried about not seeing her etc....

I'm nigh on 30 have lived in London for five years. I bloody love it. Wild horses couldn't drag me back to my rural home town - is that what you're worried about OP? That she won't come back?

I still visit my parents quite regularly, and they love having a daughter with a spare room who will happily host them whilst they explore the city. But if my Mum had tried to 'approach' me about my move five years ago it would be a very different story now.

@SerendipityJane Even if the DH is totally lovely, I’d imagine that getting away from him and starting a new life away from the shadow of that relationship is a big motivating factor. She might want to go and just be 30 year old her.

I was half jokingly suggesting the the DD in question might be wanting to move to London to get away from her mother ....

I moved to London 7 years ago after my partner died, I needed to get away from things I associated with him.

I joined ‘meet up’. Met so many lovely caring and fun people, I was always busy. I was bridesmaid to one, am godmother to her child and am ‘marrying’ two others I met on there, wedding was supposed to be in 2 months, but will be next July.

I’m shielding with my extremely vulnerable parents in a little village and struggling with it. The people I met in London take it in turns to have ‘virtual’ coffee with them most days.

Londoners are lovely!

To be fair, my friends from Kent where I lived before moving to London are amazing too!

@SerendipityJane I can totally imagine that getting away from her mother is a considerable upside in this situation. 😁

That sounds like a wonderful plan to be honest. I didn't get divorced, but I did at 28 pick up my entire life and move to Asia to work and left everything behind. It was great. I had a fantastic time. Met my now dh. And I've made 2 big international moves since (in one case, I knew no one where I moved - had to leave dh behind as he moved back to his own home country - and then moved again to somewhere I only knew dh). At 30, especially if she is outgoing and ready to explore, she'll have a grand time in London. She's young. There's no reason to stay stuck in a tiny little village your whole life.

Didn’t you post before about how to persuade her not to split up with her husband? Butt out. It’s her life, not yours.

London is brilliant!! Moved here early 20s and still here 20 years later! Not unfriendly at all.
The OP sounds over invested in her DD. Just let her get on with living her life. Perfectly reasonable to want a change of pace/ setting etc after a life change such as her divorce. If she can afford to be here, cheer her on all the way rather than killing her with your worry.

Good for her.

I moved from my rural-ish hometown to London on my own aged 27. Before lockdown, I was out with friends for coffee/gig/theatre at least once a week, plus going out myself. I'd have friends from home to stay every so often, or meet up in groups with friends from all over because London is easier to get to than back-of-beyond-shire.

I run a youth group, take a class and have housemates I really like, all of which helped me make friends.

I know my mum had similar worries, but she's seeing how much I love my life in a place where there's so much going on, and has accepted I'm here to stay.

Good for her.

It's her decision; presumably she's weighed the pros and cons. Obviously she should wait till lockdown has been over for a bit; but she is 30 years old, and old enough to know what she wants.

I decide how to approach this with DD
As the mother of a 28 year old who decided to go and live in Spain, I'll tell you what I said.
That's a fantastic idea, you're young and need to see a bit of the world. What a great idea, I gave him and his girlfriend a lift to the airport, I mumbled goodbye gave him a massive smile, waved him off and cried all the way home, proper sobbing.
He had a good time there, made some fabulous friends and met the woman who he has now married.
That was a bonus because I couldn't stand the girlfriend he went there with.
She's your child, not your possession, you've done your mothering bit and now you need to let her go and live her life. As a mother that's one of the hardest things to do, let them go, it's scary and the end of an era but that era must end if she is to have any chance of turning into a well rounded human being.
Wave her off with a huge smile and just let her go. Please.

I gave up my full time job for a more precarious agency based one and ‘ran away’ to the capital (Cardiff in my case) last year. I was 54. I’m loving it (or was, before lockdown messed up my social life...). What you want from life changes. I brought DD up in a rural area which gave her freedom and safety and where I had family support. She’s grown up now and also lives in Cardiff (opposite side of the city, 30 mins away from me and very happy I came down before anyone thinks I’m suffocating her). I wanted a change. That’s fine, it’s a good thing to go with your desires!

Be very careful how you think about DD and her stbex.

So far you have posted in sympathy for his emotional responses and quite a comprehensive disapproval of hers.

Regardless of how you feel about the choices your adult DD has made is that what you want her to live with? That her own mother 'sided' with the man she has made an adult decision about?

It is her life. She may or may not like the consequences of her choices but, if you want to keep a good relationship with her be cautious in how you phrase your thoughts on them.

The OP made ME feel suffocated.

If she’s managing to earn £65k working from home in a rural location, I cannot see her struggling to afford to live in London. She will be able to substantially increase her earning potential and grow her career there.

This is definitely a plan I can get behind.

I've heard there are things to do in London when you are bored!
Museums
Galleries
Bars
Theatres
Palaces
Sports
Parks
Restaurants

It almost sounds fun!

I remember when lived in London and I was on a bus and all of a sudden there was the Albert Hall. Just there. The Albert Hall! Another time I was walking along and there was Wimpole StreetI love My Fair Lady!