Concerned about DD wanting to run away and “start a new life” after divorce

[Greydaysagain]

DD is 30 and in the process of getting divorced following a 5 year marriage and 12 year relationship. The divorce was initiated by DD on the grounds that she felt they had grown apart and she just didn’t love him anymore. It’s been very sad as he was a lovely man who is devastated and I worry that DD will come to regret the decision.

DD intends to move hundreds of miles away to London, to start a new life for herself. DD’s reasons are predominantly that she can’t stand the thought of bumping in to DH, his family or their shared friends after the divorce (we live in a close knit, rural area) and wants to move somewhere nobody knows her so that she can start afresh and enjoy herself. There are no DC involved and DD earns a good wage working from home, however, she’ll know nobody and have no support from her family and friends close by. This is a particular concern as DD is very much an extrovert and her happiness relies heavily on the ability to socialise with others. The area where we live now is very much a community and everyone knows one another, whereas London will be a totally different kettle of fish.

DD seems to think that she’ll easily make a wide group of new friends in London, will develop a fantastic social life with lots to do etc. AIBU in thinking that this is unrealistic for anyone who decides to leave entire life behind and particularly in a busy and unfriendly city such as london? Would genuinely be interested to hear others views before I decide how to approach this with DD.

There’s loads of London girls social groups, I’ve made friends on there. Ok I was born in London, lived all over, but it’s friendlier than you think.

I feel quite jealous of her! I had the best time ever as a young woman in London. She will meet such wonderful, interesting, exciting, friendly people. I would do it all again if I could. From your description of her, it sounds as though London is the perfect place for her. She will LOVE it.

P.s my fiancé is from up north and he "moved hundreds of miles away to start a new life in London". It's where he met me so if his family had talked him out of it (they didn't, they were brilliant & supportive) then he'd have never met me. We wouldn't have the great life we have together now! You never know what's around the corner.

You know she may be running away from her ex and from you, and from the very tightly focused expectations of that small rural community.
Your insistence that her ex is wonderful is very concerning. Your DD is an adult not a young flighty girl throwing away the best thing that ever happened to her. You need to ask yourself why you have so little faith in her judgement and why you're willing to put her ex's feelings above her's because there is nothing more hurtful than a parent taking an ex's side in a split and that's exactly what you're doing by throwing so much negativity at her choices.
Also, don't be surprised if stories eventually come out that show her ex to be much less perfect than you expect. When my DSIS left her DH, family members were very scathing about her judgement - they went on about how wonderful he was. They didn't know he was actually abusive. Remember - people don't walk away from happy, fulfilling relationships.

London is a great replace to move. I have loved there for many years and found it really easy to make friends. I really don't think you need to worry about this aspect. Maybe she will come to regret the break up but it is her decision to make and if she is unhappy in the move she can always come home.

Are you maybe more concerned about the fact that this will be a difficult time for her and you will be unable to see her as often to see she is coping ok?

So your DD says she wants to move away from your close knit rural community so she doesn't keep running into her ex, his family, assorted relatives friends etc.

To be frank I think there is someone else she is trying to get away from, but is probably too kind to tell you.

Aww OP, please stop this and let your daughter live the life she wants to. I say this with love and affection, your daughter doesn't want to live in a lovely house, around the corner from her parents in her childhood village, with a nice enough man that she doesn't love. These are your dreams for her, she can have a house you like and a man you like but if she's not happy none of that matters!

I think you were happy having her and her childhood sweetheart in a lovely big house at a young age in your village so you could be openly proud of them and now you're a bit mortified that she's getting a divorce and talking about moving away, as you're worried you'll be talk of the village! Would you prefer she moved back home and was in an unhappy marriage for show?

Op isn't coming back. Op if you're reading this, you really have huge control issues. It's possible DDs lovely ex is also controlling, given he "took care of" all the finances. Your DD has never had the opportunity to be an independent adult. You need to take a step back or she will eventually distance herself from you completely.
She's an adult.

Are you just going to keep name changing and changing minor details until people agree with you @Greydaysagain ?

One of the great things about London is that you can do whatever you want without the whole village getting to know about it.

She will make friends, but the neighbours won't care that much about her.

It's fantastic.

'you won't be able to afford it without a man'

'you can't manage money without a man'

'you won't have friends'

'nobody will like you'

'you'll be all alone'

It's all very 'You wouldn't be anything without me', as an abusive and controlling person might say.

Maybe her job is so moveable that after some time in London, she decides for New York, Paris or Sydney. Or Kuala Lumpur. Lots more international job opportunities come about when living in London. Or she decides to move somewhere nearer. unlikely

The thing is, London is full of people. Many people who have travelled to start new lives, many who haven't. We have pubs, restaurants, bars, music venues, gyms, access to the countryside, airports, train stations, loads of things, and more of them than in a village or little market town. Just because we don't particularly have the patience with tourists who dawdle across the pavement gawping at blocks of flats and stop dead, all wide eyed, at the end of escalators when we're on our way to work or to get a sandwich, that doesn't mean people who live in London are unfriendly.

On the contrary, they're more likely to accept people for who they are and respect their right to independence and self determination.

Which is the one thing you don't seem to be willing to do.

This is pretty much what I did age 28.

Long term relationship ended, I left my hometown and moved far away for a fresh start.

Best thing I ever did! I'm so much happier. I hated living in a small town where everyone knew everything about you.

I now have an amazing fiancé, my own house, and lots of lovely friends. I hate going back to my home town. I realised now that most of my friends/acquaintances back then we're based upon circumstance rather than affinity, and I'm so glad I had the guys to leave and start my own life. Looking back I had no idea who I was.

She got married at 18 and has lived in a rural community for years. She probably feels like she missed out on a lot of experiences in her 20s and nows the time to do things like live in a new city. Can't say I blame her.

If the OP is the same poster who was asking about her daughter being able to afford to live in London on £65k, there was another thing which stuck out to me about that post, which is that she said her daughter's husband had previously sorted out all their finances.

Two red flags there.

Firstly it suggests that the daughter's husband may have a financially controlling streak. Did the OP's daughter want her husband to sort out all the finances, or was it something he took on himself because he thought it was the man's job? If the latter, at best that suggests that he might have rather 1950s views on the roles of men and women in marriage, and at worst it suggests that he didn't want the OP's daughter to be financially independent. Perhaps this was a factor in her deciding to leave him.

Secondly, the OP in that thread seemed to think this was normal and natural, meaning that she also might have rather old-fashioned views about the roles of men and women in marriage. If that's the case then it's not hard to understand why the daughter might not confide in her if she was worried about it. She'd expect to just be told, "That's normal, let him be the man and look after you, and when are you going to have a baby?"

If I had a married adult daughter whose husband controlled the family finances, I would be encouraging her to make sure she was fully involved in financial decision-making, that she and her husband were open and transparent with each other about their money, and that she always had her own income and her own bank account, even if the marriage appeared otherwise happy. If I had a married adult daughter whose husband controlled the family finances and who was unhappy in the marriage, it would be even more important for her to achieve or maintain financial independence and I would be discouraging her from having a baby, giving up work to look after children or putting herself at any financial disadvantage whatsoever until the issues in the relationship had been resolved one way or the other. And I would always advise her to have a separate account with "running away money" in it, just in case.

I married the boy I met at 16. Fast forward 20 3 years later and we are separated after he had an affair.
I don’t regret anything I did as we had many happy years but when I was getting married and having kids, my friends were moving to London and having the time of their lives.

When my ex had his affair just over 2 years ago I would have “run away” from everyone and everything and started afresh in a heartbeat and I was 39. I have responsibilities, including a job and kids where I am though so that wasn’t an option. I think your dd should go for it. Live the life she wants to live rather than look back with regrets.

This again?

She’s a grown up, butt out. Did you think posting again would give you a different answer?

For info, nobody divorces a lovely man who is the perfect partner. Nobody.

*23 years later

She didn't get married at 18, she got married at 25 - but she's been in the same relationship since she was 18.

I don't blame her for wanting out, tbh - she's probably completely stifled in the parochial tight knit community where everyone knows each other and therefore they all know everyone's business as well.

You describing the STBEX son in law as lovely - how do you KNOW? So many threads in Relationships where the man is wonderful to the outside world but an abusive bastard to his inner family - you just don't know. I'm not saying he is abusive, he might just have been outgrown by your DD - but you don't know.

Leave her to do what she likes. If she wants out, let her go with a good grace and your blessing. If it doesn't turn out the way she wants, then she can try the next thing. But there's no point in shackling her to the very limited life she appears to have now.

Oh, and my mum has never made it a secret that she adores my ex. Even told me the other day how much she’ll always love him.
I told her it’s a shame he didn’t love her daughter enough not to shag someone else.

For info, nobody divorces a lovely man who is the perfect partner. Nobody.

This too.

I've lost count of how many people I know who live outside London, almost never visit it and yet know how "unfriendly" it is! Personally, I've always loved it and am quite sure your DD will too. It is after all a far better place to be an extravert: if you were saying how shy she was, I might think differently. However, speaking as someone who's fairly shy myself, I love the anonymity of it, how you can do so many things with far less fear of the consequences than if you live in "a tight-knit community". I feel stifled just typing that. I'm right with all the others who say your DD is old enough to know her own mind. If she makes a mistake, it's hers to make. She can always come back if she wants to.

I did this, the best thing I ever did. It did feel like I was going backwards in some ways as I rented my house out and moved into a flat share but the freedom was amazing. My logic was that if I didn’t like it I could always move back! London is a wonderful place at any age and it is difficult to just make a group of friends but there are so many activities. I really hope your daughter does move and starts thinking about what will make her happy rather than everyone else.

loads of people move to London not knowing anyone, and have a great life there. I moved there when I was 26, and I had £18 on arrival. I had a blast, I met fab people, got great jobs, and lived there happily for over 20 years.

This is her life, not yours. I understand you'll miss her but you need to stay out of this. She's 30 years old!

To be honest OP it sounds more about you and your insecurities than about your daughter who will embrace London and gain from the experience.