Concerned about DD wanting to run away and “start a new life” after divorce

[Greydaysagain]

DD is 30 and in the process of getting divorced following a 5 year marriage and 12 year relationship. The divorce was initiated by DD on the grounds that she felt they had grown apart and she just didn’t love him anymore. It’s been very sad as he was a lovely man who is devastated and I worry that DD will come to regret the decision.

DD intends to move hundreds of miles away to London, to start a new life for herself. DD’s reasons are predominantly that she can’t stand the thought of bumping in to DH, his family or their shared friends after the divorce (we live in a close knit, rural area) and wants to move somewhere nobody knows her so that she can start afresh and enjoy herself. There are no DC involved and DD earns a good wage working from home, however, she’ll know nobody and have no support from her family and friends close by. This is a particular concern as DD is very much an extrovert and her happiness relies heavily on the ability to socialise with others. The area where we live now is very much a community and everyone knows one another, whereas London will be a totally different kettle of fish.

DD seems to think that she’ll easily make a wide group of new friends in London, will develop a fantastic social life with lots to do etc. AIBU in thinking that this is unrealistic for anyone who decides to leave entire life behind and particularly in a busy and unfriendly city such as london? Would genuinely be interested to hear others views before I decide how to approach this with DD.

You sound like a very caring mum and nobody knows their children better than a mum, whatever age they are. Tell her your concerns and let her know you’ll always be there for her so she can feel she can come back if she needs to. Gentle support is always best.

Would genuinely be interested to hear others views before I decide how to approach this with DD.

Well I don't think you are interested actually but, more to the point, why are you approaching it with her at all? It's her business, not yours. Unless you're going to wish her all the best and drive her to the nearest railway station?

I agree with Charlotte. It's this bit 'before I decide how to approach this with DD' it sounds a bit weird

You’ve posted lots about her before haven’t you, OP?

I agree with the ten pages saying wave her off with a grin - it sounds like a brilliant move for her at this point in her life.

I get the concern. Do we ever stop being concerned about our children?

But having said that I do agree with others that at 30 years old she is entitled to make her own decisions, her own life, and the occasional mistake too!

Be supportive OP. I think it's quite common to want to start afresh post divorce.

She's 30. Let her live her life.

I'm sure OP's daughter will be fine in London.
It's a funny thing about friendliness in London. When we moved to this tight-knit community we had invitations to supper/a drink very soon which didn't happen in a London street. Wasn't that much nicer then? No actually, I just felt they were being nosy to be honest.

OP, I'm beyond jealous not to be in her situation. She has every reason to be so excited about her future.

Oh I've just realised

you posted before because you thought she was getting divorced for no reason.

butt out.

Good for her!

I expect she'll love it. I've always found Londoners as friendkly as anywhere else (although they don't chat at bus stops like they do up North). WHat a great fresh start for her.

You sound like my MIL who said I'd ruin DP's life if he followed me to a city because he'd be friendless and isolated.
Nope. 3 kids and 30 years later, we never regretted moving here.

It IS hard to let kids 'go'......When they do their ''Year Out''...Probably most parents worry, especially if the 'child' is an only, and they were a small household.... When my son went on a year out ''with a view to Emigrating''....I read tons on forums, cried a gigalitre of tears in private... but one can not let the adult child know. And 30 IS very adult.

It is nearly ALWAYS about us.... we know if our DD or DS is sensible or not... we have to let them go, loose the reins, snippety snip the apron strings.....Every mum I know hates it when their Adult child moves away...but if we are lucky, they stay in touch.
This does sound more about a mother worried about 'losing' a daughter...
My friend was given some good advice by her elderly male GP...He said ''It is never easy, but we have to let them go so they come back''

I listened to that second hand advice... the more we 'cling' the more a young adult pulls away. Let her go with your blessings...London at least isn't Australia!

Perhaps if you weren't so heavily involved in her life and no doubt very vocal with your opinions she wouldn't want to move hundreds of miles away.

You can't stop her and you shouldn't try. You are her mum. You are supposed to want her to have the happiest life she can even if that means she isn't five minutes down the road.
Don't you think perhaps you are being selfish here, wanting her to stay near you at the expense of her potential happiness?

PS..by ''Come back'' {the old GP's advice} he meant that they would still be connected...

I live in a close knit rural area, most people seem to do their spell of London living including myself, when it no longer suits she’ll be back

She should defo go. I got divorced luckily he moved away. She should do it now whilst she doesn't have dc.

She's relocating not running away, lots of people move across the country and even overseas and all survive just fine. She's a grown woman and I think you're being a bit melodramatic and overbearing parent about it! You need to cut the apron strings.

In any case - somebody of 30 who goes to live in London is not 'running away'; she's moving house!

I moved to London at 27, was broke and knew no-one, built a whole life, big career, brand new relationships some good some bad, just had a full life really. Why shouldn't she? Let her grasp the opportunity. You don't want to be the parent who held her back.

She's 30 years old, it sounds like she needs her freedom and to see something of the world.

Rural communities can be stifling at that age, nothing new, nothing exciting, too few new people, too little variety. Let her go. She'll either make it work or not. If she doesn't, well at least she'll know she had her chance and gave it a try, without you in the background trying to stop her.

It's her life.

Ever since I first read this thread, this song has been going through my mind:

Us Londoners are only unfriendly on the Tube. Other than that, we love to socialise.

She sounds like she needs to spread her wings a bit. It might not be permanent, don't forget that!

Be honest, is your issue her enjoying herself so much she won’t come back?

You and your DD are different people and have different needs. Pouring cold water on her dreams is not going to bring you closer, or make it more likely that she’d confide in you if it doesn’t pan out.

YABvU. You don’t approach this with her because it’s not your life, it’s hers.

You offer support, say you’ll always be there for her and tell her she’ll have an amazing time.

She’s a 30 year old divorced woman. She deserves to go out into the world and have some fun, create her own identity, not be stuck in the same tiny rural community she’s been all her life with the same people she’s always known.

You putting a dampener on this would be very selfish and will lead to a very fractured relationship with your DD.