Concerned about DD wanting to run away and “start a new life” after divorce

[Greydaysagain]

DD is 30 and in the process of getting divorced following a 5 year marriage and 12 year relationship. The divorce was initiated by DD on the grounds that she felt they had grown apart and she just didn’t love him anymore. It’s been very sad as he was a lovely man who is devastated and I worry that DD will come to regret the decision.

DD intends to move hundreds of miles away to London, to start a new life for herself. DD’s reasons are predominantly that she can’t stand the thought of bumping in to DH, his family or their shared friends after the divorce (we live in a close knit, rural area) and wants to move somewhere nobody knows her so that she can start afresh and enjoy herself. There are no DC involved and DD earns a good wage working from home, however, she’ll know nobody and have no support from her family and friends close by. This is a particular concern as DD is very much an extrovert and her happiness relies heavily on the ability to socialise with others. The area where we live now is very much a community and everyone knows one another, whereas London will be a totally different kettle of fish.

DD seems to think that she’ll easily make a wide group of new friends in London, will develop a fantastic social life with lots to do etc. AIBU in thinking that this is unrealistic for anyone who decides to leave entire life behind and particularly in a busy and unfriendly city such as london? Would genuinely be interested to hear others views before I decide how to approach this with DD.

I'd be sad if my dd had settled down to early but not if she wanted to move to London. I moved to London just for a year in my twenties as I wanted to love there and I had an absolute blast. There is no reason to think k that a working single woman in her thirties won't be able to make friends.

We live in a close knit area sounds as if she doesn't want to be constantly justifying herself every time she goes out for milk to me.

Pandemic aside it sounds like a great idea for an extroverted 30 year old. She obviously feels as though she settled too early and hasn’t had a chance to really enjoy herself. You probably think she’s giving up her chance for children and a stable life. This isn’t your life though, it’s hers and all you can do is support her even if you think she’s making the wrong decision.

I'm always suggesting that my teenagers move to London when they move out so I can go down and stay with them.

London isn't unfriendly, especially if you're naturally extroverted. A close knit community where everyone knows your name and your business and has a view on it, that could be a very unfriendly place to live after a divorce! She's lived in a very small world and wants to experience something different. Give her your blessing - because if you don't, and she doesn't enjoy it, you'll have made it so much harder for her to change her mind and come home.

"The area where we live now is very much a community and everyone knows one another"

Which I think can also turn into claustrophobic I would have thought.

My first husband had an affair-we lived in a small town.

It felt as if everyone knew.

I had done nothing wrong but still felt embarrassed & talked about!

She'll be fine. She has work, she's an extrovert, London will be great for her. It isn't unfriendly at all, I've been there many times. Your rural rose-tinted glasses are getting in your way, OP.

And butt out of the divorce. Her ex may be a lovely man, but they clearly aren't suited. It happens.

When I was 18 I met my ex and at 25 we were planning our wedding. I knew deep down that he wasn't someone I'd be happy with for the rest of my life. So I left. Moved down south for a year, got a great job, rented a nice flat, made LOADS of friends and had a blast. I met my now husband a while later and subsequently moved again with him. It was an adventure and I loved every minute.

My ex was someone who everyone said was wonderful etc. They were right, he was, but that doesnt mean I had to spend the rest of my life with him.

Your daughter is grabbing life by the balls and making plans. You should be really proud of her. I wish her all the best.

Living in London will feel like she has the world on her doorstep so YABVU!

There's so much to see and do and so much of it is free.

Plus there are loads and loads of community groups/hobby groups/friendship groups.

I'm not sure what your experience of London is OP but it's certainly not mine. I've lived here for 51 years and it's a very friendly place full of opportunity.

If you work in London then living there means you will have more of a social life. It is actually ideal for a 30 something

Hang on. Are you the poster who posted about her daughter wanting to live alone in London but you are dead set against it? She earns £65k a year and works in IT?
"It’s been very sad as he was a lovely man who is devastated and I worry that DD will come to regret the decision"
Maybe he isn't a lovely man. She has been with him since she was 18 - a child! Maybe she wants another try at life outside of someone 'minding' her.
Does she have mental health problems and goes on drinking binges?
Is this about your own insecurities? You want her to either live next door to you or to stay with her 'lovely' husband. She's 30 not 16.
So unless she has a history of drinking, drugs, affairs, not holding down jobs, etc etc. then she's A OK on her own in London.

Sounds like it will be a great opportunity for DD. If she's an extrovert she probably will meet lots of new people and it would be such a shame to live in the same small place all her life purely out of fear of trying somewhere new.

Where on earth did you get the idea that London is unfriendly? I don't blame her for wanting to move away - sounds like she is finding your close knit' area too stifling!

Christ, I was expecting this to be about a teenager not a 30 year old! Mind your own business OP. Im from a 'close knit' community as well, parents, children and grandchildren who all went to the same primary school, drank in the same pubs etc. Its insular and parochial and people will still talk about some misdemenour that happened 40 plus years ago.

I know where I'd rather live!

Everything about the situation you describe sounds entirely reasonable.

Your DD married her teenage boyfriend and has grown up to realise this isn’t what she wants any more. She now wants to leave the small community she’s grown up in, and where everyone knows her in the context of that relationship, and move to London to make a new life for herself. She’s got a job that allows her to do this easily and an outgoing disposition that should help her to make friends.

What’s not to support?

I understand that you are upset that she doesn’t want to stay married to your SIL. Or to stay close to you and all that’s familiar. But you do need to put your own feelings aside and support your DD in this.

Another one who can’t understand why you think London is unfriendly - it’s a huge city with millions of people, do you honestly think they’re all unfriendly? Your daughter isn’t running away - she’s running towards new opportunities and adventures and will be absolutely fine. If she’s not, she can just move back/somewhere else. What possible harm comes from trying?

Anyone else read the OP and then wonder if it's the "DH" the DD is getting away from ?

I remember your previous posts. You wrote one that was basically an ode to your son in law, and expressed nothing but annoyance towards your daughter for wanting to leave him.

She's 30! No kids! Most parents would rather their daughter did NOT marry their sixth form boyfriend!

You have really weird expectations of your daughter, who sounds like a sensible, independent, proactive woman who wants more for herself.

I say that as someone around your daughter's age who also got married in my early 20s. I have zero regrets, and for me it was the right decision, but only a fool would think it suited everyone. Frankly, I'm surprised you're suprised at her choices

Londoner here - not at all unfriendly. More like a city of villages, and very easy to meet people, socialise and make friends as there is SO much going on, and even better, most of it on your doorstep. As an extrovert, she will probably thrive on this. Sounds an absolutely wonderful idea to me - support her, be proud of her - please. You're only going to drive her away further if you act all clingy and needy and disapproving.

Also - she's 30. Let her live her life!

DD intends to move hundreds of miles away to London, to start a new life for herself. DD’s reasons are predominantly that she can’t stand the thought of bumping in to DH, his family or their shared friends after the divorce (we live in a close knit, rural area)

That's not really surprising if they are all going to be as judgey as you

I bet you are the same person who posted last week about their late 20's DD who earned 65k not being able to afford to live in London

Do not approach it with your DD. She is 30. 30 She's your child, but she's not A child. She's a fully grown adult able to make her own decisions. Let her live her life how she wants to live it.

She's found someone else

Let her do it. If she is outgoing and sociable it might take her time, but she can build up a new friendship group. I met loads of people through meetup.com for example.

Please, please support her and don’t show ANY glimmer of support for her ex or waffle on about what a nice man he was. My mum did exactly this after my divorce and it damaged our (previously good) relationship totally beyond repair. Become her cheerleader. She needs it.

Did you post this a little while ago? There was another thread about a mum concerned her 27 year old daughter who was getting divorced couldn’t afford to move to London. The advice was the same on this thread.

I want to hear from the solitary poster who has voted yanbu

Also in your last post you stated that your DD's exH had ran their house and controlled their finances. That was one of the reasons you didn't think she was capable.

It is screaming out that things are not as rosy and wonderful as you seemed to think they were.

Support your DD in building a new life.