Snubbed at private school? AIBU?

[nonamesleftatall]

So in September I moved my children to a private school about 30 mins from my house. DC in Y4 and DC in reception. Previous school was also private but small, very intimate and friendly, children were happy with good friendship groups (youngest was at nursery there), but had to leave due to work commitments/ personal stuff.

At new school reception DC is settled and the Mums seem to be very friendly. Y4 DC is having a rough time (and so am I). Parents very unfriendly, I think only 5 have actually spoken to me at all. I have sent notes/ WhatsApp inviting kids for play dates at my DCs request and one note was totally ignored.. despite child running out and handing it to Mum. My son kept asking if she’d replied through October HT and she never sent a text to say busy still haven’t heard. Other requests for play dates via text have been met with we are busy for the rest of the year?!?! This was 2019. One child even lives in our village and this has been declined. There is a parents group and people just seem unfriendly, the total opposite of reception and the previous school. Our house used to be filled with kids for sleepovers, dinner, play dates, bbqs. My DC keeps asking in lockdown as we are doing our garden and we are talking about once restrictions are lifted having people round etc... and he keeps asking about friends from school. He seems very out of sorts and like a former glint or is prior happy self. I would elated if someone offered to have my children for a day!!

I am a youngish Mum - under 30. We are also not super wealthy. I drive a very low grade car which is pretty out of place amongst the range rovers and volvos. Also I know year 4 is an odd age to join. So my question is will it get better with time? Or should I pull them out and send them somewhere else? My husband thinks I am projecting my anxiety about it on to our son and the friendships we had at the previous school were rare. But then it is odd that reception are so friendly. As an example another new boy this year whose mother I knew prior the school move invited whole year (2 classes of 16) to a birthday party and only 3 kids said yes and one was my son. I asked 1 parent at rugby whether their child was going and she said no we said we are going away. I think this I strange. This lady had also posted on the group about a play she was in locally with a photo and not one person out of 32 acknowledged the message. I sent a message about a drama worship in Feb and again not one person replied. Will it just take time or are they just mean???

I feel quite insecure dropping off due to car/ and everyone doesn’t speak to me. Granted some are probably 20 years older (although I made many lovely friend at previous school who were older) and it’s the Range Rover brigade with country boots etc... but we are all just mothers who want the best for their children.

So my question is AIBU. Click yes if you think it is early days and by year 4 people are past the play date phase and I may just have an unsociable year group. Or no if you think it sounds like a nightmare and I should get my child out!!! The only trouble with that is he struggled with the move and what if I move him again and it’s no better? Plus we live in a 3 bed semi and it’s a huge push for us to send him to that school... to buy uniform, registration again would be so hard to pay for.

Also can I ask if your child goes to private school... honestly would you judge someone if they didn’t fit the stereotypical profile. Would driving a Yaris, being younger, not looking apparently monied bother you? We are all paying and want what’s best for our kids. I have friends from all walks of life. For background son is sporty, friendly, never had any issues with friendships ever always been friends with everyone.

It sounds like it's just the year group parents if they are like that with others. Sometimes that's the ways it is. My DC started new schools the same- reception and year 4 (state) Everyone was friendly and I did make friends but there were existing friendship groups already there. It sounds like you are feeling inferior because you havent got as much money as the other parents but they are treating you the same as they do every other parent- with indifference. Dont move your kids again just because you are unhappy if they are not.

It’s just the year group, one of mine has a similar class group

Some people want to make friends with other school parents and do activities out of school.

And others don’t.

Seems a shame that if he was really happy that you moved school

I think some people just have their own friendship groups established and don’t see the need to try and be friends with school mums just because their children go to the same school. Likewise if they’ve got family plans or sports etc they don’t want to be accepting every party invite or else that’s half the weekends of the year gone.

Try getting your DC into clubs or a sports group so he can widen his friend circle that way.

It does sound like you’ve got an inferiority complex that you’re projecting.

To be honest it’s pretty offensive that you’re assuming all these people are stuck up bitches who look down their nose at someone just because of the car they drive. Maybe they’re picking up those vibes from you and don’t want to be friends with someone that would be so judgemental of them?

Has the new child’s Mum also declined/ignored invites?

it’s pretty offensive that you’re assuming all these people are stuck up bitches who look down their nose at someone just because of the car they drive

Is it offensive if it's true? it's been my experience too - some aspirational social climbers absolutely judge you on your car and don't want to know you because they decide that you are not well off enough for them to have anything to do with.

Poor you, and your son. I think you are very unlucky with your year group, given that your younger child is well settled. Year 4 is a bit of a difficult time to move - but I think that is the first year of Prep, rather than Pre- Prep, so shouldn't be that unusual. Given the birthday incident, it sounds like you might have some queen bees who try to rule things and set the tone. We had the same in state primary

My 2 go to a private school with some very wealthy parents, - but plenty of ordinary ones too. I have never felt judged, and wouldn't care if anyone did. That's their pathetic insecurity showing. Don't forget that lots of those Landrovers etc are leased - at least I own my Honda Jazz!! .

I would concentrate on some friendships outside the school for now - sport, Beavers etc, and just see how it develops. Speak to parents when you can, - what's the birthday lady like?

If your child is unhappy move him before he goes to high school. A motivated child will perform better than an unhappy child at a private school.

At our primary, lots of kid joined and everyone wanted to take them under their wing. Being the new kid was the best way to be instantly popular.

Sounds like you have just happened on a rather stuck up/snooty and unfriendly year group. As long as your son is happy during the school day then I don’t think you should move him again. Concentrate on those nicer reception parents. I do think that by year 4, parents are generally ‘over’ the school gate thing and more keen to get on with their own lives but at the start in reception, people are generally keener to chat and swap experiences.

I feel for you but i don't think I'd pull them out just yet because it'd be so unsettling... but then again now could be a good time to cut your losses... v difficult decision there. I think as pp said, itd be good to join clubs etc. in the area.

Do you work? Do the other mums? I think a lot of working mums are just too busy to arrange social things for their kids and also want to spend time as a family after school and weekends as that is the only time they (and dad) gets to see the kids. Which is how it is at our house. Both work full time. My DC is at a private school, he has Autism and it’s the best option for him. In terms of wealth, status etc, many people do care about that sort of thing but at our school there are plenty of people who drive normal cars and have loads of money, and some don’t and also plenty driving G wagens and Bentleys that may not be back in the new school year if their businesses don’t survive lock down. Just don’t be too full on and pushy as I think it puts people off. There are all sorts of people who go private for different reasons, I think you just need to calm down and stop overthinking it all.

Not private school, but I've had a similar experience with my DC. DD's class had a mostly engaged set of parents and there was lots of activity within the group and plenty of meet ups. I was surprised when DS's class was almost the opposite - no meeting up, very little interaction in the WhatsApp group.

My son joined a school in Year 4 also. It was a tough year as he struggled to settle anyway. I was working so wasn't always there at pick up. I also felt inferior . still do But it has got better. My child has settled/has friends - he is so busy with after school activities there is no time for social stuff in the week and it is sports on the weekend. He is beginning to thrive - and now really appreciates his school and what it has to offer. I am getting to know the parents, slowly - most wave at drop off now. My anxiety certainly didn't help my child, I probably seemed quite uptight. Going to watch the sports matches has helped me bond with other parents. Be yourself and don't force it. Hope this helps.x

puffinandkoala The key word there is some.

Surely it’s just as shitty to judge someone and assume they’ll be a snooty stuck up twat because they drive a Range Rover?

(And I say this as someone who drives a beat up 12 year old fiesta, before someone says I’m projecting!)

It might not be the fact it’s a Private school, it just might be the dynamic of that particular cohort. DD is at Private school and we’ve never had any issues.
Also in DDs year at (state)Primary there was a really good mum related social life, I made loads of good friends but not in DS year - it often depends on if people work or have younger siblings or any number of things. Don’t just assume it’s because you aren’t super rich, September to March isn’t that long to make strong friendships, especially if the kids are already established

I had this. DS joined in yr 3 and didn’t make any proper friends until a new cohort arrived in yr 5. He now has friends for life as the boys are in Yr 8 and still the Band of Brothers.

DM me if you would like to chat with a bit more privacy.

I’ve heard similar stories about a local private school

Sounds like it's the set if mums for year 4 im afraid. My eldest daughters year, the parents are friendly. My youngest daughters year, the parents are anti social and disinterested in arranging play dates. I feel sorry for the youngest really. How about putting them into an after school club and getting friends that way?

I am torn here because it sounds like you just have an unsocialable year and to ignore and to say that it of course doesnt matter you are all paying and want the best for your children

But I remember going to private school from a 3 bed semi and seeing all the others and I hated it. Its the reason mine go to the local state school not private because I dont want them to feel like that

Not sure what you mean by ‘past play dates’, children go to play at friends’ houses at all ages.

Do you have any semi friendly contacts? Anyone who has answered a WhatsApp? If so I’d ask if their child is on House Party (once you find one child you’ll find their friends) or ask if they play Roblox and ask if your child can sometime house party/FaceTime while they are doing it. Or ask if their child can do iMessage or something (less good, this, but better than nothing).
Focus on what you can do now.

It's all part of teaching your kid to look down on other people. I'm staggered that you're surprised to find fee-paying schools stuffed full of snooty parents.

This will literally be your own child one day.

we are all just mothers who want the best for their children.

You can't rule out the possibility that their view of what is best for their DC may not include you / your DC.

I'm not suggesting it's right, or fair, but it is potentially consistent with a mindset that chooses to pay to provide 'the best' for their DC. Especially joining when other friendship groups are already formed, new friends may just not be on anyone's radar.

It might get better over time, especially if you don't 'make a fuss' and your child can find activities, usually sport, at which to shine.

What other options can you explore ? Some children find an interest outside school very helpful.

It actually doesn't matter whether the school is private or not.

State schools aren't full of the cast of Oliver! dancing round the playground, singing "Consider yourself one of us!" with parents saying, "Cor blimey, luvaduck, let's have a knees-up, mother of new child".

All sorts of schools will have these sorts of problems. There was certainly a group of mothers of children in my elder daughter's primary state school class who'd all grown up together; had actually gone to that school so thought they owned it and had obviously been the Mean Girls of their day.

I do wonder if the other parents are actually as conscious of the class and/or age thing as you are. Or maybe they pick up how you feel - bad news if they've picked up on the age thing

I suspect it's just normal human nature which you find everywhere so another move may not necessarily help.

My dd is in y4 at a prep (y3 is the first year of prep rather than pre prep). Playdates aren't that common because, whilst not wishing to stereotype, kids at private school often do have a lot else going on, lots of hobbies, music lessons, riding lessons. The parents too might have hobbies that takes one of them out of the house for most of one weekend day, or a 2nd home they go to most weekends. Also, my dds school doesn't finish til 4.15 so after school playdates don't really happen as there's no time. People also come from a wider area. There no doubt are factors about pre existing friendship groups etc but at y4 I'd say it is a lot less common to have playdates and whole class parties than lower down. I wouldn't over think the snobby thing.. There may be some but it won't be all. I'm very much at the poorest end of the parents, and a single mum and don't encounter that issue (to my face anyway!)