Snubbed at private school? AIBU?

[nonamesleftatall]

So in September I moved my children to a private school about 30 mins from my house. DC in Y4 and DC in reception. Previous school was also private but small, very intimate and friendly, children were happy with good friendship groups (youngest was at nursery there), but had to leave due to work commitments/ personal stuff.

At new school reception DC is settled and the Mums seem to be very friendly. Y4 DC is having a rough time (and so am I). Parents very unfriendly, I think only 5 have actually spoken to me at all. I have sent notes/ WhatsApp inviting kids for play dates at my DCs request and one note was totally ignored.. despite child running out and handing it to Mum. My son kept asking if she’d replied through October HT and she never sent a text to say busy still haven’t heard. Other requests for play dates via text have been met with we are busy for the rest of the year?!?! This was 2019. One child even lives in our village and this has been declined. There is a parents group and people just seem unfriendly, the total opposite of reception and the previous school. Our house used to be filled with kids for sleepovers, dinner, play dates, bbqs. My DC keeps asking in lockdown as we are doing our garden and we are talking about once restrictions are lifted having people round etc... and he keeps asking about friends from school. He seems very out of sorts and like a former glint or is prior happy self. I would elated if someone offered to have my children for a day!!

I am a youngish Mum - under 30. We are also not super wealthy. I drive a very low grade car which is pretty out of place amongst the range rovers and volvos. Also I know year 4 is an odd age to join. So my question is will it get better with time? Or should I pull them out and send them somewhere else? My husband thinks I am projecting my anxiety about it on to our son and the friendships we had at the previous school were rare. But then it is odd that reception are so friendly. As an example another new boy this year whose mother I knew prior the school move invited whole year (2 classes of 16) to a birthday party and only 3 kids said yes and one was my son. I asked 1 parent at rugby whether their child was going and she said no we said we are going away. I think this I strange. This lady had also posted on the group about a play she was in locally with a photo and not one person out of 32 acknowledged the message. I sent a message about a drama worship in Feb and again not one person replied. Will it just take time or are they just mean???

I feel quite insecure dropping off due to car/ and everyone doesn’t speak to me. Granted some are probably 20 years older (although I made many lovely friend at previous school who were older) and it’s the Range Rover brigade with country boots etc... but we are all just mothers who want the best for their children.

So my question is AIBU. Click yes if you think it is early days and by year 4 people are past the play date phase and I may just have an unsociable year group. Or no if you think it sounds like a nightmare and I should get my child out!!! The only trouble with that is he struggled with the move and what if I move him again and it’s no better? Plus we live in a 3 bed semi and it’s a huge push for us to send him to that school... to buy uniform, registration again would be so hard to pay for.

Also can I ask if your child goes to private school... honestly would you judge someone if they didn’t fit the stereotypical profile. Would driving a Yaris, being younger, not looking apparently monied bother you? We are all paying and want what’s best for our kids. I have friends from all walks of life. For background son is sporty, friendly, never had any issues with friendships ever always been friends with everyone.

I’ve been to private school and send my children private. This behaviour does not take place in our school - but certainly some years you’ll find more people open to friendship than others years. The key is to continue to be open, smiley and make friends as if it’s your first day - even if it’s two years on and no one has opened up to you. People are going through all sorts and may not have had the mental bandwidth for new buddies at that particular moment.

I don’t believe it has anything to do with you being at a private or state school or your car it’s just every class is different. I experienced the same with one of my DC and it was from nursery all the way to year 6 !! The parents were clicky. There was a group of around 8 who just didn’t let anyone in. Didn’t bother me at all as I hate that sort of thing but it was hard when my DC would play with one of their DC and then want them round for tea and I would be snubbed. Don’t try to hard I am sure as you go along friends will come and all will be fine. Good luck

Its been a long time since I done 'school', but thought I would chip in. It's possible that you have just hit it at the wrong time, either because of those particular parents, and/or because they have all already formed their cliques and probably most, if not all their children, started at the same time. Secondly, most people of that calibre would not even realise how you are feeling. Not necessarily because they are stuck up, or look down on you, but maybe because they have other things on their mind. Many I expect would have professional jobs and literally wouldn't have time and are focussed on other things. So, don't take it personally. I would just concentrate on the here and now at the moment. There won't be any playdates just yet anyway. He doesn't need to know too much about the ins and outs of it all, and yes you could be projecting your anxiety on to him. Lastly, when my children were young, they didn't actually play with their school friends out of school. They played with local friends. So, could that be an option?

This stereotype of mums in prep schools bring more prone to “looking down” on someone because of their car or perceived wealth is utter nonsense and flat out ignorance tbh. Yes, some mums /people are predisposed to “looking down” on others, but they come from all walks of life and even, shock horror, have children in state schools. Imagine!

OP, it sounds like you have just been very unlucky and hit a weird year-group with an odd dynamic. Sometimes it just takes a few parents to set the tone, or people just haven’t “gelled” for whatever reason. It does appear, from what you’ve said, that the unfriendliness is a wider issue than just pertaining to you, Do try and not take it personally (I’m sure it’s easier said than done though).

It could be that there was bullying or something going on earlier in the school and parents have become distanced as a result? Or, as a pp said, maybe they all work full-on and can’t be bothered with much else.

I very much doubt anyone had even registered what type of car you have. Whatever it is, I wouldn’t know one if it smacked me in the face.

My kids were all in London preps. Admittedly, it’s a very different set to the Barbour and wellies brigade (if this is indeed an actual thing in the country - no idea)? But nobody cared about cars one iota, I can tell you that for sure. In fact the people who live in the ten million pound Chelsea mansions would be the ones who show up in a old mini or something because it’s easier to park.

I think you may have to accept it’s a weird year. Is there anyone there you could chat to about this - you mention there is also another new mum?

I don't think it's the year group per se, I think you've just got a horribly unfriendly group of parents there!

Other factors, such as after school activities etc. might come into play but that's no reason to be so rude and fail to respond to invitations, or ignore people entirely - manners cost nothing and these days cost v. little time either, as a text takes seconds to send.

I'm sorry you're having that experience but I would suggest that you stick it out - if your son has friends in his class, then let him stay, and maybe they will come to put pressure on their parents, or he can join after school clubs himself and find other friends who might be more open to playdates.

You are expecting too much and maybe coming across as trying to hard and quite pushy.

I really don't think anyone is judging you for driving a Yaris! My dc have gone to both state and private schools, and in both environments it is the luck of the draw who you happen to end up with in your year group. Some groups of people get on well, others don't.

Probably joining in year 4 has something to do with it. By now, parents will have their groups of "school friends" well established, and won't necessarily feel like making the effort to include you.

I think it’s the year group or that school, I have had that experience with one year in a state school and I moved to a private school which was really friendly. I think you just get these odd cohorts with socially ignorant parents.

I always go out of my way to welcome new parents now as I remember what it’s like. I couldn’t care less about cars or money but I think I get judged for driving a big expensive one myself.

It’s a difficult one as it might not get better, is there another school you could move to if you haven’t been there long?

Hi OP. I moved both DCs to private and state school and recognise some of the things you are talking about, but also like PPs think you have been unlucky with one year group.

I look "unconventional", drive an old banger and often feel out of place in a sea of Teslas and BMW 4WDs.... but for what it's worth I get on with the other parents very well, and my DCs have made good friends too.

The thing about private/small schools is that compared to a class group of 30 (or year group of 90 say), it can be harder to find your people as there are fewer of them - both for you and DCs. It also means one or two strong characters can dominate the culture of the year group - again both for parents and DCs. That can mean some year groups less friendly than others. I have been lucky with mine but have heard bad things about other year groups.

On the flip side, the small class sizes often means that cross-year friendship are more possible/common, which might be something that helps your DC.

Also it is a very strange time, I feel for anyone being in their first year of a new school in this environment, so don't make any decisions until things are back to "normal", or whatever passes for normal eventually...

Agh, my post should say moved DCs to private FROM state

When I drive my little 11 year old 107 (which I love and will be sad to lose one day) I’m treated differently on the roads than when I drive my DH’s brand new 4x4. Unless you’ve actually experienced this you’ll think people are just making it up. We are not. I've never encountered that and I go to a huge range of people for my work. Often really wealthy people will have older cars and clothes etc and don't look as though they have money. The only 2 people who commented were my 2 (male, nice try on the misogyny though) bosses. I pointed out if they paid me a fair wage I could afford a car that wasn't 20yrs old with dents and scratches.

My DC went to private school in London from age 7 (now 18). Can honestly say the parents were less impressed with appearances at the private schools than they were at the state school he went to before that. At the private schools, I found most mothers worked and had absolutely no time for the tittle tattle of playground pick ups. Also, lots of people make big sacrifices on cars/holidays to afford private school. I would absolutely not judge at all, and doubt very much that any of our parent group would.

I never get let out when I drive the nice car, that’s all I notice.

i think you can put it down to projection for the time being until you have put a bit more leg work in. ime when you are the newcomer you have to be a little bit pushy, particularly if you aren't say a fabulous, effervescent, minor celebrity who all the girls want to be and all the boys want to be with. so keep at it.

also, isn't it odd to send out a note if the parent is standing in front of you? why not try walking up to someone and saying hello I'm x's mum etc etc

some people require a bit more teasing to open up. they might be judgemental knobs, who knows, but that's their issue. if you want an in put your best foot forward and keep at it.

It's really difficult joining in prep as opposed to pre-prep. In the younger years parents are far more involved in school life. It tends to diminish from year 3 onwards. Some of your Y4 parents seem to have been a bit 'off' but perhaps they are also working full time and are just frantically busy. Also, some year groups are simply more friendly and chilled than others. I wouldn't let it get to you. Let your dc make their own friendships. It'll be a good dry run for moving to senior school in Y7 or Y9.
We are at private schools and there are no judgements passed whatsoever on the type of car someone drives, clothes they wear, chosen career, or house they live in. At least not in my circle of friends!

I lived this. Was awful to be the 'poor' child, relatively speaking, in a private school. It was made quite obvious, by parents and their kids alike, that I wasn't one of them in so many ways.

That sounds difficult, OP
People are just as cliquey on the other side of the school gates as they are within. You'd hope that adults would be able to empathise and teach their children to be inclusive but that's not always the case. Give it time.

My children go to private school. We rarely do play dates because everyone is so busy. Half the class go away for half term, the other half for main holidays etc. I really don’t give a shot what car someone drives so long as they aren’t using it to run anyone over.

We moved when DS was in Y4 to a small state school, max 20 in each class. The three years he attended I had a conversation with 2 mums, despite being there every single pick up. Never had a playdate request but did have a few birthdays, I think by that stage they already have firm friendships established and playdates aren't really a thing anymore.

OP I feel your pain, I think you have got unlucky with rude parents combined with the age group. Hold your head high and acccelerate your Yaris past their Range rover and don't take it personally.

I was on a full scholarship at Private school, I had loads of friends and people loved coming to my house
DD has a part scholarship and she’s had no issues at all, being flash is looked down on. Ironically brands/cars are more important to DDs friends at State school for some reason.
We are in Yorkshire though, so being flash is generally not popular

Some women are just horrible I’m afraid. Doesn’t matter whether it’s private school or state, although I’m not a fan of private myself.
I think the point a PP made about these kind of families having a lot of extra curricular stuff on a weekends is true and perhaps they are trying to cram a lot of family stuff into the weekend as they work long hours in the week? I also think private school means that most people aren’t local so activities involve planning to drop off etc. Local friends for my child was an important factor when choosing a state primary. Plus the ability to walk to school.
I think that other PPs suggestions about out of school activities are good ideas and think it’s important for kids to make friends out of school regardless.
Is there a PTA that you can get involved with? I found that helped a lot in terms of being the newbie.
If it doesn’t improve after another few months I would definitely consider a move and please don’t rule out a decent state primary.

My DC go to a small village school where families date back 100 years etc.

We moved here two years ago and it is an extremely cliquey place and admittedly, I have struggled with the snubs at times myself.
I have found my own "group" now, so I just go about my business and feck the rest basically. My DCs are happy there, so that's all that matters.

I am still, however looked down on for my job (farmer) but meh, I'm happy with my occupation. 🐑🐄

Oh and if it’s a prep you need to consider that parents and kids will be busy getting their kids ready for the 11+ (tutoring starts around year 4/5). So they may not want to rock the boat when it comes to friend circles - in this case focussing on your child’s academics may well make him more friends.

@LittleViolets that was exactly the type of school that I found cliquey and unfriendly, nice outstanding state school full of horrible people.

I have 3 kids at private school and one year group seem to be very much posh cars, ski chalet owners, big homes and less pleasant. The other two year groups are relaxed and friendly, and yes, I'm the poor parent in the group. Perhaps your one group are just a bad mix.