Snubbed at private school? AIBU?

[nonamesleftatall]

So in September I moved my children to a private school about 30 mins from my house. DC in Y4 and DC in reception. Previous school was also private but small, very intimate and friendly, children were happy with good friendship groups (youngest was at nursery there), but had to leave due to work commitments/ personal stuff.

At new school reception DC is settled and the Mums seem to be very friendly. Y4 DC is having a rough time (and so am I). Parents very unfriendly, I think only 5 have actually spoken to me at all. I have sent notes/ WhatsApp inviting kids for play dates at my DCs request and one note was totally ignored.. despite child running out and handing it to Mum. My son kept asking if she’d replied through October HT and she never sent a text to say busy still haven’t heard. Other requests for play dates via text have been met with we are busy for the rest of the year?!?! This was 2019. One child even lives in our village and this has been declined. There is a parents group and people just seem unfriendly, the total opposite of reception and the previous school. Our house used to be filled with kids for sleepovers, dinner, play dates, bbqs. My DC keeps asking in lockdown as we are doing our garden and we are talking about once restrictions are lifted having people round etc... and he keeps asking about friends from school. He seems very out of sorts and like a former glint or is prior happy self. I would elated if someone offered to have my children for a day!!

I am a youngish Mum - under 30. We are also not super wealthy. I drive a very low grade car which is pretty out of place amongst the range rovers and volvos. Also I know year 4 is an odd age to join. So my question is will it get better with time? Or should I pull them out and send them somewhere else? My husband thinks I am projecting my anxiety about it on to our son and the friendships we had at the previous school were rare. But then it is odd that reception are so friendly. As an example another new boy this year whose mother I knew prior the school move invited whole year (2 classes of 16) to a birthday party and only 3 kids said yes and one was my son. I asked 1 parent at rugby whether their child was going and she said no we said we are going away. I think this I strange. This lady had also posted on the group about a play she was in locally with a photo and not one person out of 32 acknowledged the message. I sent a message about a drama worship in Feb and again not one person replied. Will it just take time or are they just mean???

I feel quite insecure dropping off due to car/ and everyone doesn’t speak to me. Granted some are probably 20 years older (although I made many lovely friend at previous school who were older) and it’s the Range Rover brigade with country boots etc... but we are all just mothers who want the best for their children.

So my question is AIBU. Click yes if you think it is early days and by year 4 people are past the play date phase and I may just have an unsociable year group. Or no if you think it sounds like a nightmare and I should get my child out!!! The only trouble with that is he struggled with the move and what if I move him again and it’s no better? Plus we live in a 3 bed semi and it’s a huge push for us to send him to that school... to buy uniform, registration again would be so hard to pay for.

Also can I ask if your child goes to private school... honestly would you judge someone if they didn’t fit the stereotypical profile. Would driving a Yaris, being younger, not looking apparently monied bother you? We are all paying and want what’s best for our kids. I have friends from all walks of life. For background son is sporty, friendly, never had any issues with friendships ever always been friends with everyone.

@leeannb this is not a random stranger but a parent of a child in your child's class. Of course it is incredibly rude.

@cantory its a random stranger whose kid is in my kid's class. Have I spoken to this person? No then they are a stranger and its not rude. Being placed into a classroom with 20 other kids di not make you less of a stranger

I was the youngest Mum at my DD’s private school for ages. I was very early 30s and everyone else was 40-50, I also drove a crap car

Tbh even though we had kids of a similar age, we didn’t have massive amount in common, and were at very different life stages. A lot of them were on their last kid, and had another 3 or 4 older ones to run around after. Whereas I was struggling with one who had ASD. They probably thought I was super precious!

By Year 4 I think most of them were getting their lives back in a big way, they were starting businesses or going back to their high powered jobs they’d taken breaks from. Pretty much all the social stuff had ended then. They weren’t being unkind, but at 50+ I don’t think they wanted to do the whole school Mum bollocks anymore.

Don’t take it personally, I really doubt it’s you, they just have busy lives.

Wow this is the only the second time I’ve posted and I was really overwhelmed but the number of replies and all the positive messages of support and advice. Some where obviously not so supportive so thought I’d clarify a few points.

When ever I have tried to arrange play dates it initiate conversation it has been at my sons request. As he was so used to having play dates at his previous school he has asked for people to come round. We do of course stay in touch with the children from the previous school and some of the parents there are my dear friends and two boys I am sure will be long term/ life long friends for my son. He does participate in lots of extra curricular activities. Plays football, beavers, gymnastics, has joined the schools local rugby club since starting at new school and fits in well at these groups. He also had cousins who he speaks to/ sees regularly. I think what we had at the previous school was quite unique. For his birthday we took three friends away with us and had cousins and wider family come for long weekend. We have had 8 boys staying over in one go etc... it is therefore what he has always know. To be clear I have shielded my son from the rejected play date invites. I sent the invite via note as I do well full time (but have a Monday off) but work some weekends... I knew the other child received it as my DS kept asking whether the other Mum has replied. I said maybe she hasn’t received it and he said the boy was excited and ran work the note to his mother. When he asked whether she had replied I eventually told him they had gone away. He says he has friends at school and is asking for them to come over. Mentioning about his birthday etc.. but based on the other boys experience I am nervous about what the result will be. I have spoken to the teacher and she said DS was a popular boy and she was shocked the other parents I mentioned hadn’t replied.

They don’t think I am the nanny. There is a WhatsApp group and from that it is clear who I am. I am only at school on a Monday so have seen them very little. I met one lady at a party and then messaged her last weekend about a user name for an online game and she has completely ignored my message.

I am not making a judgement on their status or what car they drive. I had never felt inferior about this demonstrated by me initiating contact etc.. however the purpose of my post was to gather other opinions. I suspect it is a combo of me being younger/ money/ car/ being new/ luck of the draw/ working full time/ friendships are established/ things generally taking time but I just wanted to ask how other perceived my situation. I my world it is just rude not to reply to a message. I’ve tried to be light hearted with DS and say people don’t do play dates as much at this school but he says other children attend play dates... mentioning specifically the other child we sent a note to.

For a little more detail we don’t live in an affluent area. Also it is not a prep school set up. They go all the way through same campus from 3years - 18. I get the London demographic and the old money crowd but this does seem to be more nouveaux riche. I wasn’t being judgemental merely pointing out that I was so shocked at the number of Range Rover... every second car seems to be one, literally.

I did PTA and loads of event organising at the previous school but the new set up is 1 nominated person from each year group is nominated as the class rep. The other mum whose son just started (by chance) I am friend with from around 5 years ago. She is 20 years older, wealthy etc but we have always got on well (which is how I thought things usually were). I didn’t realise her son was going to be moving until a week before they started. Her son is in the other form.. he at is split in to 2 groups of 16. This child has been for a couple go play dates and vice versa and also we have had some dinners as whole families... however the children don’t naturally gel. They do play okay but neither would naturally choose each other as a close friend.

Again thanks for all the support x

Don’t worry about it @nonamesleftatall people are odd sometimes. I get the stuff around lying to your son though I had it with my son it was heartbreaking to say the least. The only thing I would keep an eye on is the fact there’s no break at 13 to public school see how it goes next year and keep mindful that you cd move Him at 13. To make you feal better one spectacularly awful time was at a party when all the mothers were exchanging sleepover dates for the holidays and my son was omitted I went to my car and cried my head off now I just think fuck them ignorant idiots

@Parsley1234 that’s just nasty and bullying by social exclusion. Let’s hope their children don’t grow up to be as spiteful as the mothers.

I obviously have a very different idea of what is rude then, if some think ignoring texts is not rude.

Can you imagine being a new parent and desperately trying to make an effort to be friendly and your texts are ignored?

I think it’s important not to come across as too needy. I know someone who moved her DS from state to private and was in a bit of a frenzy about it. She was desperate to impress these new mums. It was ridiculous. In my experience, many parents at private schools are busy working professionals with little time to notice your clothes or car.

@Freeasabirdy yep let’s hope. My son is great though he hates excluding anyone and is super inclusive it is what it is people are strange

I don’t know how to reply to specific comments... but I don’t think I am being needy, although maybe I am overthinking and reading too much in to it. I think it fairly anxiety inducing to have a text/ letter completely ignored by two separate parents and then two others decline invitations and say they are busy for the foreseeable. Maybe it is just the way the people are though rather than directed at me. My son was pretty uneasy when he first went but seems to have settled somewhat. Maybe it is me projecting my issues as I am prone to anxiety, however I can’t help but feel he isn’t quite the confident happy boy he was before.

Did you say he is there possibly until 18? I would think about moving him if that’s the case.

Parsley that is awful... and how I feel. Like I am shielding him from exclusion. DS did tell me that another child had a party and the boys went but I’m unsure whether it was a big party or just some boys went.

Yes he is there until 18... the issue I have about moving him is I never envisaged he would be like this at all. He actually was so exited to go, so if we’re having these issues with 1 move will 2 moves be twice as harmful and we’ll take another year to settle. Plus the implication on my younger daughter who loves it. Maybe it is just typical of joining in year 4... as friendship groups have formed and it takes time to ‘cultivate’ as one poster suggested. I’m just so torn. If it’s me projecting then it will just happen at the next school. I feel so tired.

I would speak to the teacher. She should have a good insight into whether he is making friends in school and how happy he is there.

Yes that’s a good idea to speak to the teacher. I moved a dc in year 4 and left one there as it was a particularly horrible year group but I appreciate that might not be the best thing for you and it is harder for pick ups etc.

Haven't RTFT ( it's late!) but they sound awful and I expect they are jealous as you are young and gorgeous. I would, like you, be mostly concerned about my son not having a great experience at school and not having the social opportunities with his classmates outside of school. These parents are extremely rude not replying to a direct invitation and as for the person saying they were busy all year.....
You've probably answered this already but what assume no chance of moving back to the first school?
I do think that different year groups have different vibes though, I find the parents in my DDS' year much friendlier than those in my DS's year, although my DDs are much more at the epicentre of things than my DS so I sometimes wonder if that's the reason.

I would need them both at the same school as I work 4 of the school days. I have spoken to the teacher. We had a period around October/ November last year where he seemed very unhappy and said he felt left out. I have spoken to the teacher quite a few time’s since. At the time she was surprised to hear he wasn’t happy and assured me he was popular. She gave me daily updates saying he was at the thick of it playing footy and rugby at lunch time etc.. I have stayed in touch with her regularly and she continues to say he is popular. DS seems to be happier than he was and when ever I ask he says he is happy and is ‘pleased that he moved schools, loves the sport and the new friends’ however I just don’t feel he is the happy boy he used to be... but maybe that is in my head. He has also been diagnosed with dyslexia since his been there so it has been a period of change all round. He says he wants to stay and is happy. But I can’t shield him from the truth about the declines play dates for ever. I mean we may still be in lockdown but his BD is in the summer and he normally has a big celebration with his whole class, we normally have a Halloween get together and Christmas and he talks about these things and plans for his friends to come.

Tbh - we're busy. I have 1 dd in year 5 - moved to motivate in year 4. They seem like a nice bunch and I make the effort for birthday parties. But otherwise - DD is at school 8-4 and has homework/ clubs during the week and we both work full time so not really up for driving to another house to pick up at 7 - no homework done etc. At a weekend generally we have stuff in re catching up with friends/ family/ each other! Holidays we may do a little more but often school families are away for a lot of it. Realistically dd's school friends are just not our circle of friends and with time tight/majority working we aren't going to go round for a bbq. I drive a 15 year old Nissan micra - my husband a VW golf. We've yet to to be judged on our cars - that just seems like casting for an excuse which puts them in a bad light rather than accepting that they don't see school as their social group.

I really appreciate that honest response Nubbin... and I am seriously hoping that is exactly what it is.

I would ignore it.

If he's enjoying school, leave him to it. Get him into groups outside of school and try to build those relationships. And pity the kids who's parents don't bother to let them have friends outside of school.

Ah we were the poor kids at private school too. We had a mucky dad because he worked a dirty job. We stood out like sore thumbs but I’m so so amazingly proud looking back. No WAY could I send my children to private school, my parents must have worked their backsides off.....they did several jobs before starting their own business.

All I know is how incredible the opportunity was and Of these people are ignoring you because of a Yaris and a semi then teach your son y example that they’re not good people.

They could be tired and busy, ignore it and see what happens. Do not grovel. And don’t let them make your son think he’s not good enough.

Befriend one or two and ignore the masses.

nonames, it sounds like it is a nouveau riche crowd in that case as you say so must just be the fault of the other parent. I couldn't care less what jobs people do as I have nothing to prove, happy to drive old car etc. If your son is 9 then mostly the children decide who they see. If my children ever wanted someone to play their nanny or I or their father actually (who is a teacher who probably did much more than the mother in our case in terms of arranging that stuff as I worked in school holidays) would invite the person over. I don't think we have ever rejected anyone. I remember one boy you had to watch carefully has he as hyper active and a bit of pain in terms of going further than others, almost breaking things but most of them have all be fine, rich or only just able to afford school fees and I did not want to speak to the parents particularly so it was just child on child thing.

Some children aged 9 are really popular and others have no friends at all and I thought it was mostly the personality of the child rather than the parents which really decided it. One reason I invited all children and all parents from both classes to the twins' 5th birthday just after they started was so every parent could feel included (and our house is about 3 minutes from their prep school). It was nice to do that at the start. After a few years however they tend to pick their best friends and don't want the whole class and it narrows down.

We have been in your exact situation.

We stuck it out. Dd has thrived and will continue to I am sure. DS has made the best of it and if off to secondary school in September where he will meet new friends and we talk of him finding his groove and like minded friends there.

He does have friends but not close ones. He’s been to 3 parties in 3 academic school years. My heart breaks for that. But the parents are superficially pleasant but the reality was that there were some very established cliques from NCT groups and DS never got integrated.

I have insotigated all play dates, sleep overs etc. They never get reciprocated.

DS is as a result I think quite insecure and a bit defensive as he is used to his peers not really having his back or having that dynamic where he feels really supported and cared for.

I can’t tell you if we made the right choice to stay or go. So hard with dd being so happy. And he moves school now anyway.

I would say though the cohort won’t change much and that could be quite detrimental to your so. Peer group and school dynamics are so important. Much more important than perhaps some posters realise.

Thinking of all you parents who have experienced your children being sidelined. It is SHIT !!! However this too will pass your kids will be fine they will find their tribe but it is a really horrible horrible experience to go through in the spirit of making you feel better I will list in no particular order experiences I had :
The summer sleepover Organization in front of me when I cried in the car
My son not being invited to his best friends party and asking every day had his invite come in the post
Finding out he hadn’t been invited to a leaving party a good friend of mine hosted
Being sidelined for more popular kids for a weekend break by a really good friend
Being asked if I felt part of the school because I wasn’t really their demographic- I worked single parent son mixed race
Quite a lot of covert racism that when I called it out was told I was too sensitive
I’m sure there’s more it broke my heart my beautiful son being left out and not included but now he’s away at school he’s thriving has great friends and he’s gorgeous 🤣