Snubbed at private school? AIBU?

[nonamesleftatall]

So in September I moved my children to a private school about 30 mins from my house. DC in Y4 and DC in reception. Previous school was also private but small, very intimate and friendly, children were happy with good friendship groups (youngest was at nursery there), but had to leave due to work commitments/ personal stuff.

At new school reception DC is settled and the Mums seem to be very friendly. Y4 DC is having a rough time (and so am I). Parents very unfriendly, I think only 5 have actually spoken to me at all. I have sent notes/ WhatsApp inviting kids for play dates at my DCs request and one note was totally ignored.. despite child running out and handing it to Mum. My son kept asking if she’d replied through October HT and she never sent a text to say busy still haven’t heard. Other requests for play dates via text have been met with we are busy for the rest of the year?!?! This was 2019. One child even lives in our village and this has been declined. There is a parents group and people just seem unfriendly, the total opposite of reception and the previous school. Our house used to be filled with kids for sleepovers, dinner, play dates, bbqs. My DC keeps asking in lockdown as we are doing our garden and we are talking about once restrictions are lifted having people round etc... and he keeps asking about friends from school. He seems very out of sorts and like a former glint or is prior happy self. I would elated if someone offered to have my children for a day!!

I am a youngish Mum - under 30. We are also not super wealthy. I drive a very low grade car which is pretty out of place amongst the range rovers and volvos. Also I know year 4 is an odd age to join. So my question is will it get better with time? Or should I pull them out and send them somewhere else? My husband thinks I am projecting my anxiety about it on to our son and the friendships we had at the previous school were rare. But then it is odd that reception are so friendly. As an example another new boy this year whose mother I knew prior the school move invited whole year (2 classes of 16) to a birthday party and only 3 kids said yes and one was my son. I asked 1 parent at rugby whether their child was going and she said no we said we are going away. I think this I strange. This lady had also posted on the group about a play she was in locally with a photo and not one person out of 32 acknowledged the message. I sent a message about a drama worship in Feb and again not one person replied. Will it just take time or are they just mean???

I feel quite insecure dropping off due to car/ and everyone doesn’t speak to me. Granted some are probably 20 years older (although I made many lovely friend at previous school who were older) and it’s the Range Rover brigade with country boots etc... but we are all just mothers who want the best for their children.

So my question is AIBU. Click yes if you think it is early days and by year 4 people are past the play date phase and I may just have an unsociable year group. Or no if you think it sounds like a nightmare and I should get my child out!!! The only trouble with that is he struggled with the move and what if I move him again and it’s no better? Plus we live in a 3 bed semi and it’s a huge push for us to send him to that school... to buy uniform, registration again would be so hard to pay for.

Also can I ask if your child goes to private school... honestly would you judge someone if they didn’t fit the stereotypical profile. Would driving a Yaris, being younger, not looking apparently monied bother you? We are all paying and want what’s best for our kids. I have friends from all walks of life. For background son is sporty, friendly, never had any issues with friendships ever always been friends with everyone.

I drive a banger and send my kids to private school. Never had any issues with friendships with my DN (who lives with me).

Firstly I would ask whether you are really meeting parents at the schoolgate or childcare workers/grandparents. Also do they know you are the mum? Most of the women under 30 who pick kids up at my DN’s school are nannies, and so play date invitations directly from them can sometimes be viewed with suspicion as parents can and do cancel at very short notice. Make it clear you are Y4 child’s mum in the invites (put your mobile number on them somewhere saying you are the mum etc)

Secondly your son being new to Y4 means he probably hasn’t made close friends yet and so you need to rely on making friends with the mums / childcare workers/ grandparents directly. Are you volunteering with the PTA? If not that’s usually a good opportunity.

Thirdly you need to consider the possibility you may be right about the snobbery about you being a younger mum / your car etc. If that’s the case do you really want to send your child to such a school?

It sounds like you're trying too hard. Friendships have to be cultivated, they don't happen overnight. For your younger child, it will be more friendly as you've all started at the same point but for your older child, they've been together for 5 years, so will have well established friendship groups. That's hard to overcome. If you move schools the same is most likely to happen again but this time your youngest will also be in the same position.
In September, things may well be different because of the whole lockdown thing. Stick with the school, smile and say hi to parents at pick up time and let things happen naturally.

That's tricky OP. When schools go back I'd arrange a chat with the Y4 class teacher and find out how she/he thinks your child is settling - who do they play with etc. If they haven't yet infiltrated any of the established friendship groups (and by y4 there'll be some solid dynamics) then the reluctance may be coming from the kids. In this case perhaps the teacher could encourage some likely friendships by giving them a job to do together just before playtime or similar.

If the teacher is able to name kids your child is friends with but the parents are still stand offish it's more tricky. By Y4 age you'd expect the kids to be beginning to discuss playdates amongst themselves so if your DS is able to suggest a fun outing to a friend hopefully they'll nag their mum to let them go.

My kids go to a prep school and while there is some cliqueness amongst the parents it's definitely not associated with nice cars and spending money.

Coming at it from a child’s perspective, I joined a new private school in Year 4 and was very badly bullied from the get go. It was made worse due to the fact it was a small year group, an odd number and single sex. They were settled in their friendship groups and didn’t want a new girl. Even someone I’d known since I was 3 didn’t invite me over to play. It was a horrible year group, which does happen unfortunately but also, by that age play dates were mostly over. I seemed to be the only one who invited anyone and even birthday parties were few and far between. A lot of parents had nannies or saw very little of their own children (surgeons, pilots etc) so had no time for either hosting or dropping and picking up at play dates. Friendships seemed to have been firmly established in Reception or even Nursery and were often based on who the parents got on with.

I stuck it out there as long as I could before eventually being so depressed that I had to transfer to another private school partway through Year 8 where, once again, I was initially bullied due to girls at the first school having sports friends at the new school and telling them to give me a hard time. Luckily, after a difficult few months, I’d made a great new friendship group and we’d started socialising outside of school.

What I will say I noticed as both a student and teacher at private schools is that the most popular groups of pupils tend to be the ones who started in Nursery or Reception and went the whole way through the school. Newcomers seemed to be viewed with suspicion. At Senior School it was easier to start with other newcomers in Year 7 than to come in part way. Early on, in primary or early years education, parents seemed to micromanage their children’s social lives and carefully choose who they wanted their children to mix with. Sometimes that would be based on parents themselves being alumni of the school.

Even now former students I know with toddlers and babies are ensuring they go to the “right” hobbies with the “right” children so they get the best start; ie Rugby Tots in the most affluent village (even if they don’t live there and there is a more local session), KODALY or Suzuki Baby Music Sessions, the Alumni Playgroup, Baby Ballet at a certain school etc. It’s all very carefully managed!

To answer other questions, yes children bullied me because we didn’t have the newest Lexus or BMW. My parents collected vintage BMW and Mercedes and I was called “poor” and a “wannabe” because of that. There was a girl who “didn’t fit in” because her mother had been a teenage mother and they still lived with her grandparents who paid the school fees. Parents were generally much more interested in what your parents did for a living etc. Certain professions seemed more “acceptable” than others. Holiday destinations seemed to be another way that you’d be judged...I remember at our school it seemed almost vital to spend a month in the States in the summer (Naples, Sarasota or the Keys in Florida where many of us had holiday homes), then a cruise or European trip in the October half term, Dubai or the Far East in February etc. One holiday a year or UK breaks didn’t seem to count .

Arriving there from a primary school where I’d been popular and no one much bothered about my parent’s careers, what car they drove or where we’d been on holiday was a real culture shock!

Private schools can be tricky places to navigate socially. I’d back off on the play dates for now and just see what friendships naturally evolve. Encourage older DC to join clubs at the school (sporty kids were always popular) but also focus on outside of school friends because they won’t be there forever!

I suspect it’s the year group and those particular parents. My ds is year 6 at a private school, some parents are very cliquey, and ds has been at that school since the nursery class! Like you Dh and I don’t exactly fit the mold. I’ve learnt not to give a toss. Ds has a few friends and I’ve made friends with parents like yourself who have moved into the school at a later stage.

Base your decision on how your ds is doing and perhaps check with the school as to how happy and settled he is. Try to avoid moving schools again if you can it’s very unsettling for them.

Any school group - state or private - is just a random group of kids (with parents) who happen to be the same age and live in the same area. Given that fact it’s actually a miracle if you as a parent find a group of fellow parents that you gel with. It’s not a given, neither is it compulsory to be friendly with other parents.

It’s difficult when the kids are at an age where they need parental input to organise play dates etc. Try not to worry- as they get older they will organise themselves and parents really have little to do with each other after year 6 (if you/they don’t want to).

And try not to judge people based on their car or type of boots they wear. We really know nothing about the lives of others and in a way you are judging them in the course of wondering if they are judging you

I don’t think it’s your car/cash situation, I think it’s the parents I. That year group. I have a large family and find some year groups fun and some dire. They change though so don’t pull out. It also takes time to settle and you have had a jumbled year now like the rest of us.

It can also be due to birth order - if many of the Year 4 children are second or third children, then their families may well be extremely socially busy already, whereas if the Reception cohort are firstborns, then the mums will be super keen to build a network.

I would make sure that DS is playing all the sports he can - in school and at the weekend - there’s nothing like bonding on a wet touch line to cement friendships!

Have you moved house or just school? Surely he still maintains his old friendship groups from his old school?

DD was worried about the reaction of other parents when her first started at a small private school as she is the opposite of the stereotypical private school parent. Pierced, tattooed, grungy and definitely grotty of car. We had a talk about whether she should adapt her style to ‘fit in’ for her DCs sakes. As it turned out she has met some really lovely parents and made some great friends as have the DC. I truly think it’s the luck of the draw sometimes.

I have gone to a lot of evening classes and other groups over the years. With most classes the people were ok but no one kept in touch away from the class. With one special interest group though, everyone just clicked and we are still going 15 years later - different backgrounds, some well off , some struggling.

Are there any out of school groups your DC used to go to before lockdown? I think it’s important not to let on to your DC that you/they feel excluded and to focus on the 5 parents who have spoken to you a bit. Everyone is up against it right now so I would concentrate on doing nice things as a family as far as lockdown allows and when life gets more normal to try arranging low key get togethers and see how it goes. Don’t assume the problem is you though. I really do think it’s just a random mix of people and that this time round they’re not very forthcoming .

A few things going on, I suspect.
By year four friendships are established and children don’t necessarily immediately want changes to their peer group structure. Most will have the majority of their time structured and after prep, sport, other activities there isn’t a huge amount of time for play dates. Do year four even have play dates? What activities and sports is your child doing? That’s the way for him to integrate. Rugger team, cricket team, orchestra, drama club etc.

Parents may well feel the same, but then they may just have their own lives now the children are a bit older. They certainly won’t want someone with their inverse snobbery hang ups and bitterness who yearns for the old school still.

It’s not the car. I’ve never been judged on my car in my life. Many very wealthy people I know all drive battered old estates. They’d laugh at the idea of a white Range Rover being desirable or indicative of anything but new money or drug dealing.

The fact it’s a private school is irrelevant unless you’ve chosen a second rate school with an intake who think a spray tan and white jeans are smart. Most parents send their school to be educated and kept out of their hair.

Do you do anything constructive for the school community? The school isn’t there to offer you a social life so you need to work hard at integrating into an established group. Join the PTA, help at the fete, help at sports day, bake for cake sales, make costumes for plays etc. The friendships will grow from that.

I think it's probably your year group. Some mins probably already have their social groups and can't be bothered to make an effort with new mums. That's quite normal.
Some people may judge but I highly doubt the whole year group will.

My kids went to a London prep and there were loads of beat up cars. Not at all an issue.

You will be notably young if you're not quite 30 and your son is what, 8? Some people might feel threatened, who knows.

Not replying to a party invite is very rude. Some whatsapp threads take off and others don't. I hate them, I wouldn't respond to someone posting a photo outside of just wanted them to not feel badly.

Have you tried regular text messaging instead of whatsap? Sometimes I just ignore whatsap because it gets completely overwhelming.

Reception is an entirely different kettle of fish than year 4, people are far more sociable and keen to make friends. By year 4 many will already have their group of school friends and it'll be tougher to break in, but I would not assume that anyone is purposefully excluding you.

I have had jobs in private schools and I honestly believe it isn't you, it's just the dynamic of the year group mums.

In the schools I worked in, we'd get some year groups which were lovely, everyone interacting and socialising regardless of how much money they had or which cars they drove. In other year groups, it just didn't happen, parents would be very insular and stick to their own clique and not want to expand their friendship to anyone else.

I'm pretty certain that's the case here and you shouldn't worry about your income, status or your car....that's an irrelevant side issue of your own. I can say from experience that in general, private school parents don't act stuck up and look down on those of a different income bracket...everyone thinks it must be so but it's fairly rare in practice. But there are far more "insular" types of families at private schools - they only move in their chosen circles and nothing else - that's part of the reason their children go to a private school. They are not stuck and don't look down on you, they just prefer to keep to themselves. You may be encountering this instead.

Stick with it, it may get better as time goes by and you find different friendships.

Hi OP, sending your children somewhere sadly might not fix the ignorance of some mums, you find them almost anywhere at the school gates. I hate the cliquey ones, no wonder some children feel isolated and left out; I blame the mums entirely. I have been witnessing it at my daughter's preschool - a small group of mums invite themselves and their children to each other's kids birthday parties and that's it. As a result, two kids have already stopped saying hello to mine. 4 years old. There's no need for it.

My daughter's been in private education for 12 years and yes there are a lot of extremely snobby and judgemental parents who will not give you the time of day if you don't have millions and drive a Rangerover. I earn a decent salary and live in a nice house but don't fit the stereotype. Having said that I have a couple of good friends who I've met through her school so they're not all like that. I really wouldn't let their narrow mindedness bother you. I've never wanted to be friends with all of my child's parents anyway so I don't really care.

I suspect it's inertia rather than superiority. They are possibly comfortable within the groups they made when their children started reception.
In my experience, many of the parents with older cars have absolutely stunning homes, whereas, many of the people I know who drive big fancy cars, actually lease them.
I also believe that quite often, the loudest, most smiley people are very shy inside and ,may find it hard to make new friends easily.

Can you stay in touch with your son's old friends or join some clubs etc outside of school to create new friends?

Try to relax and give it time. Don't be too pushy to make friends as this will be sensed as being a little desperate. Just keep smiling and chat casually with other parents at the school when you can. I'm sure things will settle on time.

Most parents at private school make huge sacrifices to afford the fees. I really wouldn't concern yourself with the belief that they are looking down at you. If some of them are, they could just as easily be the same as some parents at state school. These people are everywhere, would you want to be friends with them? Or for your son to be friends with children with that attitude...?

You and your son will be fine...just relax and give it time.

I don’t think this is a private school thing. This is a small class thing.
I have three children at a small village school. Around ten per class. 2 year groups are lovely, middle child’s year group the parents are cliquey and very unwelcoming. Just pot luck I suppose.

My son went to private school at 11 yrs. Friendships between parents were well established by then. I am very much working class and the sole idea of my son going was for the benefit of his education. You need to relax a bit OP. Your children will find their own friends.The mums and dads will have their own commitmnts to deal with.This isnt about them its about how you feel. Like any other school regardless of fee paying or not most parents want to drop the kids off and run!! I would ease off with invitations and take your lead from your children.All will be well I am sure. We dd make friends with families who were very wealthy and I can promise you they dont judge if they are genuinely nice people. I have had kids over the years come to my 3 bed semi council house and stay over and be just as happy being here as they are in their own homes.,and the parents like any other are all glad of somepeace for a while! I couldnt keep up with most of them in lifestyle or financial ways it was impossible but never did I feel judged in my 20year old car or anything else. Most parents will actually give you a lot of respect for the sacrifices you are making to do the best you can for your children.Give it time and believe in yourself and go about your business quietly.You and your children are exactly the same as the other parents ..you are all on the same path doing what you believe is right for your families.Hold back..hold your head up and let your confidence shine.At the end of the day its school...thats all. Have to say as an after thought we were on our arses through out my sons school years and we broke our back to get him through financially but at the end of the day some friends remain some are long forgotten and my son has flourished.He is confident,bright and has a fabulous life.I couldnt give him much in the way of material things but I could give him a chance to make somethingof himself and he did. His home and his life exceed anything i could ever have dreamed for him and I am happy I could give him that chance. Be concerned with you and your family and your reasons for doing what you are doing,let everyone else get on with theirs too and I am sure you will find you are all doing the same thing equally.

The fact it’s a private school is irrelevant unless you’ve chosen a second rate school with an intake who think a spray tan and white jeans are smart. Most parents send their school to be educated and kept out of their hair.

I agree with this, it really depends on the prep. At a 'good' school there will obviously be quite a lot of gossip but honestly I've never encountered a cutting or mean comment about people with 'less' money, that in and of itself would be considered incredibly crass and cause for ill will if you see what I'm saying.

At my kids' school it was occasionally noted over who was in time revealed to be mega-wealthy, but that's about the end of that.

In my experience parents tend to be absolutely consumed by exam results and who's going onto which school and that's when it becomes a vipers nest.

I really think you need to focus on helping him right now though. Can you get him talking to his old school friends or any cousins or children of your friends?

You really can’t do much about his school right now.

It may just be that you’re being overly keen and you just need to give it time. People’s lives are busy and it’s easy to take these things personally and overthink them, when actually it’s only been a term and people are already well established in their friendship groups, so making friends can take a little longer.
If your son is struggling speak to the teacher.

To be honest it’s pretty offensive that you’re assuming all these people are stuck up bitches who look down their nose at someone just because of the car they drive.

When I drive my little 11 year old 107 (which I love and will be sad to lose one day) I’m treated differently on the roads than when I drive my DH’s brand new 4x4. Unless you’ve actually experienced this you’ll think people are just making it up. We are not.

Oh, and it is always the women who’ll treat you this way.

Probably a combination of people being busy, people being not as bothered about play dates when their kids are a bit older, it’s a small class so fewer opportunities than a class of 30, friendships well established so if someone is having a friend over it’s more likely to be someone they’ve had before, parents not as invested in making new friends as they have them and are more likely to be working than nursery/YR parents, distance/inconvenience of pick up if you are a 30 min drive from school, it’s an hour extra for anyone living/working in the opposite direction of school. Least likely explanation is people don’t like your car. They probably don’t even know what you drive.