Snubbed at private school? AIBU?

[nonamesleftatall]

So in September I moved my children to a private school about 30 mins from my house. DC in Y4 and DC in reception. Previous school was also private but small, very intimate and friendly, children were happy with good friendship groups (youngest was at nursery there), but had to leave due to work commitments/ personal stuff.

At new school reception DC is settled and the Mums seem to be very friendly. Y4 DC is having a rough time (and so am I). Parents very unfriendly, I think only 5 have actually spoken to me at all. I have sent notes/ WhatsApp inviting kids for play dates at my DCs request and one note was totally ignored.. despite child running out and handing it to Mum. My son kept asking if she’d replied through October HT and she never sent a text to say busy still haven’t heard. Other requests for play dates via text have been met with we are busy for the rest of the year?!?! This was 2019. One child even lives in our village and this has been declined. There is a parents group and people just seem unfriendly, the total opposite of reception and the previous school. Our house used to be filled with kids for sleepovers, dinner, play dates, bbqs. My DC keeps asking in lockdown as we are doing our garden and we are talking about once restrictions are lifted having people round etc... and he keeps asking about friends from school. He seems very out of sorts and like a former glint or is prior happy self. I would elated if someone offered to have my children for a day!!

I am a youngish Mum - under 30. We are also not super wealthy. I drive a very low grade car which is pretty out of place amongst the range rovers and volvos. Also I know year 4 is an odd age to join. So my question is will it get better with time? Or should I pull them out and send them somewhere else? My husband thinks I am projecting my anxiety about it on to our son and the friendships we had at the previous school were rare. But then it is odd that reception are so friendly. As an example another new boy this year whose mother I knew prior the school move invited whole year (2 classes of 16) to a birthday party and only 3 kids said yes and one was my son. I asked 1 parent at rugby whether their child was going and she said no we said we are going away. I think this I strange. This lady had also posted on the group about a play she was in locally with a photo and not one person out of 32 acknowledged the message. I sent a message about a drama worship in Feb and again not one person replied. Will it just take time or are they just mean???

I feel quite insecure dropping off due to car/ and everyone doesn’t speak to me. Granted some are probably 20 years older (although I made many lovely friend at previous school who were older) and it’s the Range Rover brigade with country boots etc... but we are all just mothers who want the best for their children.

So my question is AIBU. Click yes if you think it is early days and by year 4 people are past the play date phase and I may just have an unsociable year group. Or no if you think it sounds like a nightmare and I should get my child out!!! The only trouble with that is he struggled with the move and what if I move him again and it’s no better? Plus we live in a 3 bed semi and it’s a huge push for us to send him to that school... to buy uniform, registration again would be so hard to pay for.

Also can I ask if your child goes to private school... honestly would you judge someone if they didn’t fit the stereotypical profile. Would driving a Yaris, being younger, not looking apparently monied bother you? We are all paying and want what’s best for our kids. I have friends from all walks of life. For background son is sporty, friendly, never had any issues with friendships ever always been friends with everyone.

Oh, and it is always the women who’ll treat you this way.

Nice.

Firstly don't stress - if yR are friendly then cultivate them. I found one year very good, made lifelong friends then with DC2, same as you - no one bothered. I later worked out the year just had a high proportion of parents who were working, so no playdates really possible.

You need to be on to the school so that they help him cultivate some good friendships. If you ask they will set up friendship groups or get a group of boys together to play a game at break or something.

I would also join the PTA as that will get you meeting people - I now have friends in many years from this and still my youngest DC's year isn't interested!

nonamesleftatall - sounds like the year 4 parents you have approached are rather self-important (busy for the rest of the year, my arse). As for the one who didn’t reply - whether you work full time or not, it is always bad manners not to bother to respond to someone. They wouldn’t, presumably, be that breathtakingly rude or incompetent if they received a work message. Basically, they aren’t interested, because your child’s friendship with their children is not useful to them, it’s just a hassle (maybe it gets in the way of all their music lessons, extra sport, etc...). I doubt the overall attitude will change, although you will probably eventually find a child and parent who are willing to bite if you keep trying, and as your child becomes better known and liked, his friends may pester their parents more effectively - it’s just that the overall tone of the year group is now fixed and not in a way that is pleasant for new children. If your child has never had friendship problems before, though, and is happy when in school, I wouldn’t worry too much - he will be socialising in school, and can find other outlets outside of school for further friendships.

My son goes to one of the most expensive “elite” prep schools in the country.

We are on a bursary. I am a single parent driving a battered focus living in a flat.

I have never ever encountered any hint of feeling inferior just because I’d my financial circumstances. Mix of parents isn’t terms of friendliness, but isn’t that just representative of society in general?!

When I drive my little 11 year old 107 (which I love and will be sad to lose one day) I’m treated differently on the roads than when I drive my DH’s brand new 4x4. Unless you’ve actually experienced this you’ll think people are just making it up. We are not.

This is my experience too. We have a little hatch runabout and a large estate car. The estate is used but because it looks tidy and has a private plate it's not immediately obvious that it isn't new or new-ish. I definitely get treated differently on the roads depending on which car I'm driving. Oddly DH doesn't though, and fortunately the hatch is his main car!

Did your DS knock somebody else off a sports team? That can sometimes be a problem (and the parents are usually worse than the boys about it!).

I think they sound a bit miserable, but it probably is because they've known each other for years and don't really need new friends, so there's much less in it for them.

If it hadn't been for the virus, I'd have said try to find out the cricket club that year play at (there's nearly always a preferred one) and join there. Cricket is usually quite chatty, because there's lots of sitting around and a bar at the clubhouse. At the one I know, because it's U9 etc rather than school years you meet people from the year above or below too who might be nicer.

Perhaps ask the teacher if they have any suggestions for out-of-school socialising at the moment? Parents might be happier if you ring and have a chat to them first.

We experienced exactly the same, I don't think it is necessarily snobbery.
In reception everyone is in the same boat, just starting and wanting to make friends, by the time YR4 rolls around friendship group between children and parents are firmly established. There was also slight resentment because parents feel they've been paying the fees from the start and now that class sizes are increasing their child might be disadvantaged.

I know a mum who’s daughter was in the girls school. She got picked on because mum drove a 3 year old BMW. Mums a barrister and dad owns his own business. They live in a huge house with pool and stables. She still go picked on. So I have no answer🤷‍♀️

I have started children in year at both state and prep. The prep were by far the friendliest. There are parents as you describe (only a few) you may be unlucky that most of them are concentrated in your son's year. Is it one year entry? If not, have you tried the other year group? Also, in the smaller preps there are lots of mixing between the years so doesn't have to be kids in his year group he plays with. Also see if some of the reception children have older siblings, you could try asking both for a playdate.

Is your son happy at the school? This is the most important thing. You only need 2 or 3 kids that you have play dates with, most kids are asking the same people I think!

Finally, worth remembering that some people don't accept play date invites as they can't facilitate them in return.

Good luck, try not to take it personally.

*It's all part of teaching your kid to look down on other people. I'm staggered that you're surprised to find fee-paying schools stuffed full of snooty parents.

This will literally be your own child one day.*

@opticaldelusion
Don't be ridiculous.

FakeFraudSquad what an illuminating post.
Thank you for your honesty and frankness.

If the effect of the parents' behaviour is that your son is unhappy, lonely, becoming social insecure and less confident, then I would move him. If that hasn't happened and he has friends while at school then I wouldn't worry so much.

Also all the people that I know who have a lot of money, keep their cars. It’s more people who have just made money who change their cars every 6 months.

I've experienced more discrimination from parents who thought that I was too posh than from the ones who thought that I was too rough. People will find any excuse to keep a new person out of their clique. It's just bad luck that you landed with these bitches, don't try to look further than that.

Its easy to assume/presume all the other mums are friends and excluding just you. My DC are at a very small private school and some of the mums are very social with one another. I work FT and simply don't have time to be as social. Doesn't mean I'm being anti social or dislike the other mums. I probably made more effort with first DC but for second I made considerably less social effort. Again nothing against the mums. As to the car, you are being silly. If anything, the more wealthy people are the less flashy the car. Can't presume either way. If the mums at the school ARE bothered by that (rather than you being paranoid) then it's probably a snobby school and you may want to move. Be sure its not just your insecurities before you do so though as those insecurities will follow you!

Had both kids in private school in Surrey - very hoorah Henry kind of place. Drove various small second type cars - never a Range Rover! Never had an issue with snubism. Sure there are arseholes anywhere, but the nice people do tend to find one another in the end. Hang in there, please stop worrying so much. If many mums have older kids they do naturally detach and won’t be as motivated as you by making mum-friends this is normal

They’re a bunch of miserable sods. One of mine has a class like that and I often wish I’d just moved her as soon as it was obvious that it wasn’t a cohesive class. The parents have never got any better.

Both my sons went to prep school until they were 11, then on to a very good grammar school. Most of the other mothers thought this was really slumming it! We had, in comparison, modest means at this time and i also felt a bit awkward. Some of the other mothers were lovely but a lot were not.
I was working at the time, well paid professional career, but the ideal for them seemed to be a very wealthy much older husband, days at gym and lunching and away somewhere every weekend. For me it was agony but sons were very happy and did really well, the teachers in the main were lovely. My sons stayed late for prep and activities as it enabled me to work, there were always boarders around. I found it was better to leave the social side for them as games, late staying and playing in the huge grounds rather then invite them to our house.
I really don't regret it, they have both done very well and academically the move to grammar school was good too as they came out with better A levels than those who carried on in the private sector. After they had left the prep school DH and I found a lot to laugh about, but it was a bit of an ordeal at the time.

I would never judge anyone on what they own or their financial status, never have, most of the time I don't notice. I'm not very observant by nature and couldn't tell you what cars people drive though might remember the colour if I particularly like it.

I've no idea if I have ever been judged for those reasons - certainly had periods of being very hard up - but I wouldn't have thought so. How would I know anyway? Being friendly with other mothers at school didn't interest me much, I wasn't unfriendly and got to know a couple of them but I always went to work and had friends there.

It's early days yet, op, your children have only been at the school for one full term. Please don't worry about it, there are other things in life. Your year 4 child will settle down eventually and make friends but you can't push these things, if you show anxiety about it you'll make things worse. There's the world of difference between a small and a large school and that is what you are experiencing but you'll get used to it. Live your own life and be independent. I doubt anybody is looking down on you, why would they?

I’m not friends with any parents,I speak to one mum who’s daughter is best friends with mine but that’s as far as I want to go

Hi nonamesleftatall, my children went to a private prep school. One in fact that I went to myself, I was by this time divorced and working myself in a nursery school so I couldn't hang around at drop off. I also drove a cheap car when all the others at school were top of the range and mostly mothers who didn't work. I didn't fit in (only spoken to when there was no one else about) but my children have friends for life from this school so I wouldn't give up. My ex.H was included if he ever went to drop off or pick up (almost never) as he was a partner in a law firm.......

Don’t try and make friends on the schoolyard. Try to sign him up to after school clubs like the Beavers, football etc.Anything he fancies. Make enquires first to find an activity where the parents as well as the kids are active rather than just a drop off and leave group.

I went to private school - the bullying is atrocious if you don't fit in. Plus the staff are so arrogant they don't do anything to help

I’ve had four children go through both state and private school and from what I’ve observed some years don’t gel regardless of state or private. There is plenty of “car judgement” in state schools too. The younger years are often more sociable as they contain new parents and tend to include class wide parties, whereas later groups are more established. Also if the Year 4 children are not firstborns then those parents may have older children and be focussed further up the school or on secondary school or they may be working full time or just simply “drop and go”. The other thing to remember OP is that the cohort will change every year and the original group of children will be diluted.

Keep your assessment of the school confined to whether it’s suiting your child emotionally, socially and academically and find out from his teachers if he’s happy during the day. Work on friendships for him and you outside school as well which is a good thing to do anyway. If people are judging you for your car (and you don’t know that) then it says more about them than it says about you.

This behaviour can be quite normal in public (private) schools. These people have their own more important friends, plans, businesses, money, life etc. They are not looking to ''waste themselves, their time'' etc. on others if to no particular advantage. It seems to be a status game. I experienced it too. Just one of those things. Hope your DC is not too unhappy. Remember the school is for DC not for you.