Snubbed at private school? AIBU?

[nonamesleftatall]

So in September I moved my children to a private school about 30 mins from my house. DC in Y4 and DC in reception. Previous school was also private but small, very intimate and friendly, children were happy with good friendship groups (youngest was at nursery there), but had to leave due to work commitments/ personal stuff.

At new school reception DC is settled and the Mums seem to be very friendly. Y4 DC is having a rough time (and so am I). Parents very unfriendly, I think only 5 have actually spoken to me at all. I have sent notes/ WhatsApp inviting kids for play dates at my DCs request and one note was totally ignored.. despite child running out and handing it to Mum. My son kept asking if she’d replied through October HT and she never sent a text to say busy still haven’t heard. Other requests for play dates via text have been met with we are busy for the rest of the year?!?! This was 2019. One child even lives in our village and this has been declined. There is a parents group and people just seem unfriendly, the total opposite of reception and the previous school. Our house used to be filled with kids for sleepovers, dinner, play dates, bbqs. My DC keeps asking in lockdown as we are doing our garden and we are talking about once restrictions are lifted having people round etc... and he keeps asking about friends from school. He seems very out of sorts and like a former glint or is prior happy self. I would elated if someone offered to have my children for a day!!

I am a youngish Mum - under 30. We are also not super wealthy. I drive a very low grade car which is pretty out of place amongst the range rovers and volvos. Also I know year 4 is an odd age to join. So my question is will it get better with time? Or should I pull them out and send them somewhere else? My husband thinks I am projecting my anxiety about it on to our son and the friendships we had at the previous school were rare. But then it is odd that reception are so friendly. As an example another new boy this year whose mother I knew prior the school move invited whole year (2 classes of 16) to a birthday party and only 3 kids said yes and one was my son. I asked 1 parent at rugby whether their child was going and she said no we said we are going away. I think this I strange. This lady had also posted on the group about a play she was in locally with a photo and not one person out of 32 acknowledged the message. I sent a message about a drama worship in Feb and again not one person replied. Will it just take time or are they just mean???

I feel quite insecure dropping off due to car/ and everyone doesn’t speak to me. Granted some are probably 20 years older (although I made many lovely friend at previous school who were older) and it’s the Range Rover brigade with country boots etc... but we are all just mothers who want the best for their children.

So my question is AIBU. Click yes if you think it is early days and by year 4 people are past the play date phase and I may just have an unsociable year group. Or no if you think it sounds like a nightmare and I should get my child out!!! The only trouble with that is he struggled with the move and what if I move him again and it’s no better? Plus we live in a 3 bed semi and it’s a huge push for us to send him to that school... to buy uniform, registration again would be so hard to pay for.

Also can I ask if your child goes to private school... honestly would you judge someone if they didn’t fit the stereotypical profile. Would driving a Yaris, being younger, not looking apparently monied bother you? We are all paying and want what’s best for our kids. I have friends from all walks of life. For background son is sporty, friendly, never had any issues with friendships ever always been friends with everyone.

If there was an option to click 'Stop micromanaging your DC's relationships and leave them be', that'd be my answer.

If left alone, many kids will make one best friend and a couple of close mates. Some even keep them for life.

I think some parent's expectations are way too high.

usually the problem is with you personally, not the children, not the other parents.

I had issues with super cliquey mums at one of my kids schools (state, we moved a lot) hated it, moved areas thus schools and there I made good friend BUT not with mums in dd1's class who was year 4, only with dd2's year 1 class - I'm thinking that by year 4 parents have set groups, it's hard to break through

I don't think it's anything to do with it being a private school... sometimes it's just luck of the draw. I had two DC in the same primary school. One dcs class parents were so friendly and welcoming..other DC is in a class where parents are much more cliquey. It's ghastly

freeasabirdy It's weird really, there first school was massive but everyone was so friendly. The parents were genuinely lovely people so this little school was a bit of a shock for me actually.

OP- Volvos are the ugliest cars around and definitely NOT elite. People with range rovers think they say wealth/money/class but its the polar opposite, please don't feel shamed by your car!

I always worked fulltime so my ideal in life was to avoid ever having to meet the other mothers. I was not snubbing anyway and in fact asked every child in both of the twins' classes from age 5 - 7 to their party at our house and parents when they were all aged 5. Our nanny certainly invited children over but i never really was that interested or involved in it.

Despite earning a fair bit as a lawyer I always like to have pretty old cars and certainly would not reject another parents because of income stuff at all. I just don't want to socialise with any of them whether richer or poorer. I am an equal opportunities rejector.

Also we have 5 children so often they would play together or do outside activities. We certainly have had children to play over the years however.

Am I missing something here? My children chose their own friends and it never crossed my mind what the parents were like!! OP I really do hope that your son gets to play with the children he likes rather than the parents picking and choosing who their children play with . I never got involved with school gate politics but I definitely noticed a big difference between the parents from my eldest daughters year and my younger son (6 year age difference) . Mums were generally more easygoing and not as competitive as my sons year !!

Usually kids come from all over for private school so there is that element . Add in all the after school activities and you sometimes have a very long day . It is awkward joining when groups are already formed. It's only been a short time then lockdown . It doesn't happen overnight . I think you are overthinking it .

Will try to explain this the best I can, and no intentions to offend anyone. Quick answer to OP is please be reassured that it's down to cliquey-ness and not personally aimed at you or your family.

Most wealthy people will never actively look down on others (eg "Look at the car she drives") since that in itself is vulgar and shows you care about status symbols in order to prove your worth. Wealthy people socialise in a such way where they expect others to know who they are already so they have no need to show off through clothes or cars. This is mostly done through small talk from mutual friends "So and so works at X, is the owner of X, has parents who did this, is married to X etc". People like to namedrop or find mutual connections like "Oh did you go to school with X, I recognise the name, is she sisters with X?"

This creates an underlying feeling that they are connected and being friends with successful names gives you more material to talk about with other wealthy people who you may not know as well. This is no different to the cliquey behaviour kids have at high school...who gets invited to which parties and who knows who. Of course there's a networking aspect where a rich person could potentially benefit from the business/family connections of another one, but this is largely secondary and plays far less of a role than most assume.

The issue here is that lesser well-off people tend to be "invisible". Not in an offensive way but just that they can't slot into the conversations about who you mutually know from school, who is dating who's cousin now etc. Especially families from out of town where you know you probably have very little in common. So for many the effort of building a friendship from scratch in a fairly hectic phase of life is just not worth it.

At the risk of generalising, many wealthy people also see their time differently and if they're used to billing clients £1000 a day then the opportunity cost of a play date or birthday party is in a similar range. This gets innately weighed against social factors such as whether it involves family (can't refuse), friends (who else will be there, is it worth it) etc. So an invitation from a near-stranger, regardless of how nice, is most likely going to land at the very bottom of the priority list.

Car snobbery? oh yes! I took my sons to school one day in my ancient Metro and was told to park in a different place because they were having an open day, and directed to the bottom of the car park. Another parent with a huge silver Merc was allowed to park outside the door!
I made a formal complaint about the deputy head who was organising the parking, we never did get on.

Why not move him to the local primary? I'd move both of them, and save your money for secondary.
I've come across that kind of snootiness too, even in state primary, and it's really unpleasant.

Am I missing something here? My children chose their own friends and it never crossed my mind what the parents were like!

In my dcs class the children have playdates with the children of their parents friends...I'm widely disliked for some reason so my DC doesn't have playdates. Was totally different in my other dcs class...

User, may be but I was never bothered what my childrenb's friends parents did and nor were my own parents re my private school where instead of my being friends with a couple who even had titles - Lady XY was in my class until she went off to board at 10 - I picked the least rich and least middle class girl in the class as my best friend and my parents never even mentioned it. That was a lovely lesson in it doesn't matter who is who. However for a year 4 child or older there is no way the parents need to have to get to know the parents. However rich or poor I have never really had much interest in getting to know other parents as work is busy and life is full and I don't want to be friends with other adults just because someone is in the same class at school.

I agree on cost. I would certainly not want to waste time making small talk so either our nanny took them to parties or it was the children meeting but ideally not the adults. In fact we paid someone to drive children to parties when we had children aged 5 - 9 as they had so many parties every weekend at times sometimes an hour's drive away that the nice Australian girl we used was a life saver (with the added benefit we didn't even have to chat to other parents at drop off or collection).

I have never seen social connections as a financial benefit but that might just be that I am not particularly sociable and seem able to generate more than enough legal work without doing anything social nor work events etc. I wouldn't mix work and school anyway as that's a bit naff.

The boy across the road used to come over often almost every day to play in our house with my twins at one stage - so not a school friend but a neighbour.

I don't think it's exclusively a private school problem, I've experienced this in both state schools my kids have attended.
First school I was married but younger than the clique and had lived in the village less than 4 years and didn't take ds to the village play group as I worked or he was asleep at the time it was on. I was an outsider and they made a lot of judgements about me before they even knew me, with the exception of the few who lived in the council road who were lovely.
Second school I was divorced and lone parenting 2 kids and not living in the direct vicinity of the school. Been there 3 years now and still don't fit in, the clique are awful, there's only about 6 mums that are nice and we all feel the same so we all end up sitting in the cars til kids start coming out and rush in and out as quickly as possible.
I guess I don't fit in with their ideal, and I think they're all bitches, typical mean girls who never grew up, bagged relatively decent earning husbands and think they're it because they live in a certain type of house on a brand new estate.

Honestly, some year groups are just difficult. The parents fulfil every Mean Girls' trope - and I include the DFs in that. If you're unlucky enough to land in one of those year groups then there's not much you can do about it. In our school there is usually an influx of new pupils in the two years before high school. It helps to shift the dynamic in the cliquey years. Yy the cliques still exist but the new parents provide new opportunities for friendships. It depends whether you want to toughen it out till then.
FWIW ime even the parents in the clique are always bitching about each other behind their backs, keeping secrets etc. They may seem an impenetrable group but they're not a close group iyswim

Hi op I can't click on either by your choice as neither fit.. I personally wouldn't leave if the school is good aside from the parents. And sadly for you I don't think the attitudes will change whatever year your child is in, sorry. There are a lot of superficial materialistic types that send their off spring to private schools. I am the opposite to you however in that I am a solitary person/tomboy and don't want school gate friendships so I have no interest in being friends with other school mum's 😁. My dd goes to a private school that does sound similar to yours

I’ve had this in varying forms at both private and state schools . At private school , our DD’s year was split in two . We had the seriously monied , who used to turn up in variously battered vehicles usually full of dogs , who were great fun and very friendly , and then we had the newly fairly well off with their shiny white Evoques , who very obviously used to encourage who their children should make friends with. I was totally looked down by one of them , until she clocked me laughing with one of the seriously rich , because I’ve got horses and we used to compete against each other .

But then , out of the 4 different year groups I’ve had DCs at state schools , none are massively friendly there either. We have done play dates , and we chat at the gates , but there are plenty there who look down their nose at me too . Their loss .

You could move the DC’s and find that you end up it’s more of the same and you’re no better off .

OP sorry I have no idea why you are being treated so rudely and ignoring texts is rude.
But the ones saying really wealthy people often drive old bangers are being disingenuous. This is an anti status game and these people are clearly always wealthy. And yes you can be totally scruffy and even dirty and it is still clear that your clothes are very good quality rather than from Primark and that your accent was not obtained by growing up in the local council estate. Ask anyone that meets them if they think these people are working class and everyone will know they are not.

And yes some people on the roads do treat you differently depending what car you drive.

OP - how on earth do you actually know that anyone is judging you for your car model ? You can only know this if someone has explicitly said something, otherwise presumably this is just a summise based on a rapid drop-off / pick -up scenario?

@bakedbrie The OP is obviously trying to look for reasons as to why some of the mothers have been so rude to her and all of them have been unfriendly.

Stick with it OP, it's all you can do.
My DS changed private schools (In Oct half term Yr 1).
The parents were about the same but the new school definitely had a friendlier ethos.
As for the car model, when my ds was at private school, all the other mums had Porsches, Range Rovers etc... I had a campervan!
I used to laugh to myself about it... you just need to give it time and try not to overthink things