Snubbed at private school? AIBU?

[nonamesleftatall]

So in September I moved my children to a private school about 30 mins from my house. DC in Y4 and DC in reception. Previous school was also private but small, very intimate and friendly, children were happy with good friendship groups (youngest was at nursery there), but had to leave due to work commitments/ personal stuff.

At new school reception DC is settled and the Mums seem to be very friendly. Y4 DC is having a rough time (and so am I). Parents very unfriendly, I think only 5 have actually spoken to me at all. I have sent notes/ WhatsApp inviting kids for play dates at my DCs request and one note was totally ignored.. despite child running out and handing it to Mum. My son kept asking if she’d replied through October HT and she never sent a text to say busy still haven’t heard. Other requests for play dates via text have been met with we are busy for the rest of the year?!?! This was 2019. One child even lives in our village and this has been declined. There is a parents group and people just seem unfriendly, the total opposite of reception and the previous school. Our house used to be filled with kids for sleepovers, dinner, play dates, bbqs. My DC keeps asking in lockdown as we are doing our garden and we are talking about once restrictions are lifted having people round etc... and he keeps asking about friends from school. He seems very out of sorts and like a former glint or is prior happy self. I would elated if someone offered to have my children for a day!!

I am a youngish Mum - under 30. We are also not super wealthy. I drive a very low grade car which is pretty out of place amongst the range rovers and volvos. Also I know year 4 is an odd age to join. So my question is will it get better with time? Or should I pull them out and send them somewhere else? My husband thinks I am projecting my anxiety about it on to our son and the friendships we had at the previous school were rare. But then it is odd that reception are so friendly. As an example another new boy this year whose mother I knew prior the school move invited whole year (2 classes of 16) to a birthday party and only 3 kids said yes and one was my son. I asked 1 parent at rugby whether their child was going and she said no we said we are going away. I think this I strange. This lady had also posted on the group about a play she was in locally with a photo and not one person out of 32 acknowledged the message. I sent a message about a drama worship in Feb and again not one person replied. Will it just take time or are they just mean???

I feel quite insecure dropping off due to car/ and everyone doesn’t speak to me. Granted some are probably 20 years older (although I made many lovely friend at previous school who were older) and it’s the Range Rover brigade with country boots etc... but we are all just mothers who want the best for their children.

So my question is AIBU. Click yes if you think it is early days and by year 4 people are past the play date phase and I may just have an unsociable year group. Or no if you think it sounds like a nightmare and I should get my child out!!! The only trouble with that is he struggled with the move and what if I move him again and it’s no better? Plus we live in a 3 bed semi and it’s a huge push for us to send him to that school... to buy uniform, registration again would be so hard to pay for.

Also can I ask if your child goes to private school... honestly would you judge someone if they didn’t fit the stereotypical profile. Would driving a Yaris, being younger, not looking apparently monied bother you? We are all paying and want what’s best for our kids. I have friends from all walks of life. For background son is sporty, friendly, never had any issues with friendships ever always been friends with everyone.

nonamesleftatall - I think you and your ds are suffering from having come from a school in which he was extremely happy and socially settled. That’s hard as it is. Add to that his being diagnosed with dyslexia (and so quickly - or was the possibility raised at his previous school?), and with or without playdates, your ds has had a lot of changes to get used to. And clearly he is aware of not being fully settled in, yet, if he is telling you other children are having playdates when he isn’t. He is having to get used to a new normal.

Who is the PTA class rep for your child’s class? Have they not made any real effort to welcome you? They sound pretty useless, tbh. Maybe they are not much liked themselves and their Whatsapp group is largely ignored. Regardless, I would not have thought having class reps precludes others from joining the PTA - surely the class rep thing is just to provide a welcoming face that people recognise, to make the PTA more accessible, not to exclude the rest of the parent body?

At the moment, you are very much on the outside of a group looking in, with no easy way of telling whether they are all just busy, thoughtless and self-important, or actively unpleasant and judgemental. They all know your ds is new, though, given the Whatsapp group and no doubt their own children’s comments, so I wouldn’t feel charitably towards anyone who ignores efforts made on behalf of a new child to settle in - it’s either phenomenally self-centred of them, or a way of sending a message that you or your child don’t fit. If the latter, that will be a specific group, though - I can’t believe any class could have a 100% record for nasty pieces of work?!

It is a tricky one OP, but I would say a few things -

• Before lockdown, it was the winter terms and it’s always more of a faff to have to go round picking kids up from play dates in the dark evenings.

• If you’re only at the school on Mondays, it’s very possible that people haven’t really registered who you are yet or properly connected you to your son. They might not be knowingly excluding him - more that they presume he’s friends with someone else. People are so tied up with their own kids issues, they don’t really think about how others in the class are getting on.

• A lot of people (and I include myself in this) are all super-keen to arrange play dates for the first and oldest child at that kind of age but, if you’ve had multiple children go through a school, you can tend to feel a bit “over it “ by the third child! Sounds awful, but it’s true.

• For instance, my third one was literally inundated for play dates on an almost daily basis. There was one woman who constantly asked because she had twins and having my daughter there stopped the twins fighting. Lots of mums of single children who literally wanted my DD for the weekend to give their girls company. It was too much, it really was. I found that I was constantly having to say no and it felt awkward at times. But people didn’t understand, I have older children too who needed picking up from this and that and I couldn’t spend time fighting through more London traffic on a Thursday night, just because so-and-so wanted my DD at their house and please collect by 6.15pm. It was just too much, with homework and clubs. And I don’t even work.

If people have nannies, some of them won’t drive, so they can’t do pick ups.

A lot of people don’t want to do play dates after school as you end up having to drag younger children out (who you can’t leave at home) to pick up at 6pm etc.

Basically, I think people just get into a “mode”, depending on lifestyle; how many children you have; energy levels etc. I very much doubt anyone actively dislikes you - how could they? They probably barely know you to make any judgement.

Maybe lockdown is adding to your anxiety and if you DS wad at school right now, maybe it wouldn’t be too bad.

Wishing you all the best.

I would suggest to go with your instincts, if it started badly it will not settle any time soon and you might have to wait many years before the children become more independent and organise playdates by themselves. So practically you don't have much choice other than assume the worst and just ignore them. It can only get better if ever.

I say this as I have been in this situation with my youngest daughter, moved her in year 2 from a private lovely (but far away) school to a local state school...I ended up moving her again end of year 3 to another closer private school. Yes I made all the possible excuses ... we are in the middle of the pandemic, it takes time, parents in west London are judgemental and so on ... but I knew the difference and the kind of welcome she should have received so I have decided not to wait any further for things to get better. You are in control so better not wait until someone who you don't even know grants you some acknowledgment. if you have a choice do move him again, they are still so young, otherwise better to leave them be and trying to find friendships in other settings.

@Mafalda78 "Might have to wait many years"

Pssst! She's had a least 2.....this post was from 2020 😉

By Y4 I’d it’s up to the child to choose friends. I wouldn’t really expect all of the parents to speak to you. Different for reception though - polite to speak to people then.

ZOMBIE THREAD

If it’s any consolation I’m sure I’ve experienced similar when my DC were at (state) primary. I live in a very well-to-do area and I don’t think some of the mums thought that the kids of a single mum in a council house were good enough for their little darlings.

An example of this is, my dd was best friends all the way from reception with a girl who who was from a very naice family, 2 parents, big house. Then a new girl joined the school, in I’d say year 4, who had previously been at the local private school, also from a very well off family. She became friends with my dd and her best friend. A few months later, I asked DD’s best friend’s mum if the BF would like to come for a sleepover. She said that she thought her DD was still a bit young for that, woke up super early etc. That was fine. However, just a couple of weeks later when we had DD’s best friend for a play date, she let it slip that the night before she had been for a sleepover at the new friend’s house. DD’s face fell and then bless her she regained her composure and carried on chatting, but honestly I felt like I’d been punched, it was clear that her mum just didn’t want her to have a sleepover with US.

Also I went to private schools and absolutely families with less money get judged, by both the parents and the kids.

They all sound like a bunch of miserable, rude, cliquey fuckers who I wouldn’t want to be my friends.

Hopefully your son will find his own fitness in time but I think you should try to stop giving a shit.

About the other parents I mean*

Oh, tricked again.