To think DH has crossed a line

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

DH has been having a mid life crisis, for want of a better way to describe it, for nearly 2 years now. We’ve been together for 10 years and have 2 kids. He helps in the house, pulls his weight (mostly, when not working his v long hours) with the kids and makes me laugh like a drain. But he’s been struggling and it’s a bit like living with a dementor - he can’t see the joy in life at all, everything is difficult or awful or sighworthy. Nothing is positive or funny and he’s a complete workaholic- he’s talk about work til midnight most nights if I let him.

Our eldest has some challenges. Tonight she has played up. He ended up coming in and telling her that not only would he need to call the police because of her behaviour but that he wished we’d never had the children. He’s so dramatic about everything and can’t see that this is really unhelpful.

Last week he told me that he wished he was dead because the children were playing up so much.

I’ve begged him to go to counselling.

He won’t.

I’m slowly losing all respect for him. He huffs and puffs and it’s like having a third child. I’m constantly having to be super positive to offset his negativity.

The irony is we’ve had the nicest day we’ve had in ages.

The other day I actually found myself imagining what it would be like to be divorced. There’s got to be more to life than this. Not that it’s something I want, and the children would be devastated. But these small things keep happening and I can’t forget them. It’s building and I don’t know what to do, except repeat once again that it’s not acceptable. But I’m not his mother or his therapist.

AIBU to think he needs to get himself under control and stop saying things like that in front of the children?

What age is the child? Makes a bit of a difference. But regardless have it out with him. Tell him what you’ve said here about losing respect etc. He probably does need help but he probably doesn’t realise that you are not just going to stand for it.

That's a really awful thing to say to her

He could simply just be depressed? If he furloughed at the moment? Havimg problems with work? Saying he wants to kill himself is a big thing, not something to be taken lightly in my honest opinion, no mattwe what it was about.

But as PP said it depends on the age of the children.

Maybe sit and ask him?

You can’t change his behaviour, only yours. I’d be thinking about the long term future in a relationship like this.

You sound quite disrespectful - your mental health can’t get better at the flick of a switch

Children are 8 and 6.

He’s not furloughed, he’s busier than ever, and loving it. Often starts work at 6am and works til 6pm then does another hour / hour and a half.

I am furloughed and homeschooling and managing kids and house etc - he will come down at 6pm and raise his eyebrows at the state of the house. His instinct is to tidy up rather than play with the kids, if you know what I mean.

He sounds depressed, but that's no excuse for saying something like that to a child. He needs to speak to a doctor. Could you suggest couples counselling?

I’ve had depressive episodes myself, certainly not disrespectful of mental health issues.

It’s not depression, it’s more stress or anxiety.

Regardless of what it is it doesn’t mean he can speak to me and the children in the way he is doing and has done for the past 18 months.

@randomguy12 no but if you read the post again this has been going on nearly 2 years I can understand being frustrated if DH refuses to get help for his issues. It's not okay to speak to the kids like that my mum used to tell me regularly she wished I'd never been born and it's really damaging !

Does he realise how negative he's being ? There are lots of online resources and helplines out there depending on where you live ! Perhaps you can have a calm conversation with him and just explain this can't carry on and your'll do what you can to help he might not realise how destructive his behaviour is

Has he always been like this?

And what does he do? His own business?

He sounds like a delegator and he's doing what only he can do so you're doing what else needs to be done. I kind of get it but to do that he needs you on board too.

No excuse to talk like that to daughter. He needs telling that in no uncertain terms.

Depression makes the sufferer very self centred and self indulgent. Is he aware of how he makes you and the children feel? Can he not see how his actions affect those he lives with? Small wonder they play up, they are probably feeling very frightened and anxious.

What do you want him to do, do you think it would be best if he left, or at least moved to a bedroom of his own? Have you ever given an ultimatum, get counselling, medication or other help for example or move out? I think if you have begged him to in the past he probably doesn’t think you would do that. I feel that you need to protect your children at the moment, and their mental health as well as your own. I appreciate this has been going on for two years and this Coronavirus has probably made him even worse.

I would be telling him he either gets help for his mental health issues or the marriage is over. He has to take responsibility for his own happiness.

It’s like he doesn’t realise what’s coming out of his mouth and the impact on the kids.

I know it’s difficult for everyone at the moment, I get that. This is something else.

I keep having to do pep talks to all three of them about getting along and behaving. It’s exhausting, on top of everything else.

Perhaps ultimatum of get help or split up

My husband started behaving like this so I started recording him. He thought I was being strange but carried on until I made a nicely cut video of all the instances he was being a negative and miserable human and airdropped it to his phone out of the blue.
When presented with a 5 minute video of your ugly rants and sulking you find it hard to deny that something is wrong.
He got in touch with talk space and over time has developed some better coping mechanisms for his anxiety. It still pops up but he is better equipped to identify it and take remedial action. Best of luck because I know from experience how terrible it can be.

My dad told me he wished he'd never had kids when I was about 8 and I've never forgotten it.

Stop accepting this and put your kids first. You need to tell him that you're no longer accepting the melodrama and if he wants the marriage to continue he has to seek help, and if he says anything else like that in front of kids again then he's out. He's been emotionally manipulativevand it's not fair on the kids if their dad says he's going to kill himself if they're being naughty.

I would hate that tbh. Sounds totally draining for you and is awful for the kids. I think your only option is therapy, together and alone. That's if you want to save the relationship. I'd also be honest with him and say you can't see it working long term of this continues. Sounds hard, hope things get better soon

I cried and cried the other night after he’d put the eldest’s birthday presents in the bin.

I don’t know what I want him to do. Stop being like this, mostly. I want my lovely husband back.

He works for a decent sized company. I know his boss and his team. They’d be horrified if they knew.

YANBU at all to have had enough and want better for all of you.

T and have a frank talk. He gets counselling/support/help or you split.

Tell him to get help or you’re filing for divorce.

He got the presents out of the bin, by the way.

I’m making him sound dreadful and he’s not, he’s really not.

We have had frank talks. He stands there looking hang dog and going i know, I know.

Then nothing changes.

I will look into counselling,

Do you think this is more damaging for the kids than having to go through a divorce?

Sounds dreadful to me op..
He is abusive to your dc.
Only you can change that happening...
He has no intentions of..