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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH has crossed a line

255 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 25/04/2020 21:47

DH has been having a mid life crisis, for want of a better way to describe it, for nearly 2 years now. We’ve been together for 10 years and have 2 kids. He helps in the house, pulls his weight (mostly, when not working his v long hours) with the kids and makes me laugh like a drain. But he’s been struggling and it’s a bit like living with a dementor - he can’t see the joy in life at all, everything is difficult or awful or sighworthy. Nothing is positive or funny and he’s a complete workaholic- he’s talk about work til midnight most nights if I let him.

Our eldest has some challenges. Tonight she has played up. He ended up coming in and telling her that not only would he need to call the police because of her behaviour but that he wished we’d never had the children. He’s so dramatic about everything and can’t see that this is really unhelpful.

Last week he told me that he wished he was dead because the children were playing up so much.

I’ve begged him to go to counselling.

He won’t.

I’m slowly losing all respect for him. He huffs and puffs and it’s like having a third child. I’m constantly having to be super positive to offset his negativity.

The irony is we’ve had the nicest day we’ve had in ages.

The other day I actually found myself imagining what it would be like to be divorced. There’s got to be more to life than this. Not that it’s something I want, and the children would be devastated. But these small things keep happening and I can’t forget them. It’s building and I don’t know what to do, except repeat once again that it’s not acceptable. But I’m not his mother or his therapist.

AIBU to think he needs to get himself under control and stop saying things like that in front of the children?

OP posts:
TehBewilderness · 26/04/2020 03:28

2 years of abusive behavior is two years too many.

Crickets · 26/04/2020 03:45

He doesn't sound adorable. You must make it clear, that a father telling his eight year old he wishes they were never born is a line never too be crossed again. His priorities must change and he must have positive interact with the family. You need to spell out what that looks like with clear expectations.

Get your bank statements etc sorted.

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/04/2020 04:29

He sounds depressed. However, that doesn't mean he gets to cope with everything but family life. I say this as someone who's been off work for over a year with depression, stress, anxiety and agoraphobia.

Spell out to him the impact he is having on you and the children (especially the children), he needs to know this isn't sustainable without him making some changes. Children can grow up happy and healthy after a divorce but a whole childhood of living with this sort of parent will scar them for life.

timeisnotaline · 26/04/2020 04:52

You need to be so clear to him op, and think about your red lines. If you think he can make up for that comment to your daughter (I’m not sure he can) then you need to spell it out your marriage can’t ever survive any repeat of it. Is there a room he uses as his office? Ask him to put a sign on the inside of the door which says I will not leave this room unless I can be kind to my children. I will not go downstairs in the evening unless I plan to tell my children each that I love them. Shouting is not love. Criticising is not love. Avoiding them and being unable to bear their company is not love and every time I do these things my wife loves me less.

Jupiter202020201 · 26/04/2020 06:04

It really does sound like depression. Not seeing the joy in life is such a huge indicator but you know him better! Maybe suggest couple counselling so you could do it together? Sounds very difficult for you and I hope things take a turn for the better OP.

JAME0 · 26/04/2020 06:14

Look into probiotics. The brain is really affected by the gut health. My elderly aunt has been rock bottom for over a year (husband’s dementia got bad) and on all kinds of antidepressants. I got so fed up with hearing her say she’s never been so low that I sent her some. Next time I called she was really upbeat and has complained since! Nothing else has changed in her life.

Clymene · 26/04/2020 06:23

Only he can fix this. He needs to get help or he goes.

Does he recognise that his behaviour is abusive?

Frozenfan2019 · 26/04/2020 06:52

Look into probiotics

Hmm
Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/04/2020 07:01

Barely slept.

I’ve woken up to a recommendation of a super marriage counsellor from a friend.

It’s going to be the either he makes an appointment with her or I get an appointment with a solicitor line.

No, I won’t be rushing round the house and in fact he did all the washing up and put the kitchen straight last night after dinner. He wouldn’t be mad at all if I stayed in bed with the paper or my book, he’d get to about 9am and be all ‘well MUST get on’ and start putting on laundry and dashing round with the hoover.

Whoever said he’s not like this with his work colleagues- you’re bang on. I can hear him in his office chatting and laughing. A lot of his self worth is tied up with work, yet he won’t push for board promotion, which I can’t understand.

I’ve begged him to go to the GP and get counselling / ask about drugs / figure out what is going on, but he’s very resistant.

Yes, he’s fast asleep at the moment and won’t be overly bothered this morning. He’ll think I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. Perhaps I am.

He had a very difficult relationship with his father and just the other day I said to him that he’s turning into him, and that’s the one thing he’s always told me he didn’t want to do. He used to actively fight against it, now it feels like he’s embracing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/04/2020 07:02

Funnily enough, because of DDs issues, I do believe there is a link between food and behaviour.

However I think we’ve gone a bit too far for probiotics!

OP posts:
TORDEVAN · 26/04/2020 07:03

If my DH said that to any of my children I'd have kicked him out. What an awful awful thing to say. At 8 years old they're likely to remember that. Poor child 😔

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/04/2020 07:05

No, @Clymene

He will just say God, she’s so difficult. And she can be. But she’s 8, and he’s the adult.

Yesterday after I said to him that he needed to speak more positively around her. He just rolled his eyes.

This is sounding less and less good, isn’t it. :-(

OP posts:
Figgygal · 26/04/2020 07:07

Good luck today op

I think the point of hope he is out of the Home is a good one. Is how he at home how he really feels? Is that the real him but he hides it at work? Or is it a show and he’s low level depressed/stressed and that’s a performance for work and he’s the real him at home? Either way I agree things need to change it’s demoralising for all of you

YouJustDoYou · 26/04/2020 07:21

Good luck today op. You're doing the right thing. I absolutely loathe mental health apologists like some of the pp who won't allow any sort of non-acceptance of behaviour from someone with mh problems - as many others have said it is utterly unacceptable that he speaks to children in the way he has, depression or no. There's is zero fucking excuse for fucking up a child's head.

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/04/2020 07:23

Sure there’s not an OW by the way - he’s married to work more than me!

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/04/2020 07:25

He’s always been a bit dramatic and overly invested in work, to whomever asked about has he always been like this - but over the past 2 years the balance has really changed.

He’s now 80% wanker.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 26/04/2020 07:26

So he's absolutely fine to colleagues and completely off with the DCs? He can be in a good mood, just chooses not to be with family.
Oh dear. Is that really depression? Is it not more just plain old abusive behaviour? I didn't think depression was selective!

pilates · 26/04/2020 07:30

He is damaging your children and if he doesn’t get professional help he needs to leave. So sorry for you all 💐

TwistyHair · 26/04/2020 07:40

You must be exhausted this morning. And horrible to be having this realisation more and more about what he’s really like. But great that you are as well because then you can decide what to do about it. 80% wanker doesn’t sound great. Have you spoken to your children about what he’s said? To reassure them that it wasn’t right and that he was wrong to say/do those things?

Eddielzzard · 26/04/2020 07:44

Thing is, if you're going to deliver an ultimatum, you have to go through with it. It does sound bad and I do think you need to lay it on the line, but are you ready to go through with it?

pussycatinboots · 26/04/2020 07:45

Sorry, I know I shouldn't laugh as you're in a shitty situation with him, but this He’s now 80% wanker. did make me smile.

You need to remember that when you talk to him.

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/04/2020 07:57

Yes, I’ve reassured the children, had cuddles with them in bed and told them how much I love them and they were very much planned and wanted. They’re watching TV.

DH got up, came in, raised his eyebrows at me. I said ‘I’ve fed the cats and he has gone downstairs.

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/04/2020 07:58

Ami prepared to go through with it?

I’m prepared to see a solicitor, yes.

I’m going to add one into my list. He needs to see the GP and a counsellor.

OP posts:
AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 26/04/2020 08:07

Lots of people excusing his behaviour here due to "mental health issues". Well, if he's chatty and sociable and completely different with work colleagues that means he CAN control, his behaviour doesn't it? MH is no excuse for emotional abuse which is what he's been doing the last 2 years.

It seems he wont listen to your words so I agree about taking action now. Either he gets helps or you split. Hopefully that will motivate him to become at least less than 20% wanker. Good luck OP! we are rooting for you.

Aneley · 26/04/2020 08:09

First I want to say that nothing really excuses his behaviour towards your DD. She is a child and she needs him to understand and support her, not the other way around. This needs to be addressed ASAP.

However, he DOES sound depressed to me - not everyone behaves the same when depressed. For example, I tend to drown in work when I have built up anxiety or when I am depressed. That is the only thing that makes me feel useful and like I'm contributing, plus the only thing that can distract me from very unhealthy thoughts. I become almost obsessed with work when I am struggling mentally. When I feel like that, it is very difficult to focus on anything other than being in an 'executive mod' - I'll go around the house 'solving problems' in a very mechanical and detached way. I'd also struggle to read/listen music/watch movies without doing at least one other thing (such as housework or checking my email or playing with my phone). You say that you don't understand why he won't push for a board position, especially given how much he's working - and to me that actually plays right into MH issues. If he's feeling depressed, he doesn't have any confidence, he can put up the show for his colleagues at work but he may not believe he 'deserves' a better position.

I'd give counseling a chance if I were you.