To think DH has crossed a line

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

DH has been having a mid life crisis, for want of a better way to describe it, for nearly 2 years now. We’ve been together for 10 years and have 2 kids. He helps in the house, pulls his weight (mostly, when not working his v long hours) with the kids and makes me laugh like a drain. But he’s been struggling and it’s a bit like living with a dementor - he can’t see the joy in life at all, everything is difficult or awful or sighworthy. Nothing is positive or funny and he’s a complete workaholic- he’s talk about work til midnight most nights if I let him.

Our eldest has some challenges. Tonight she has played up. He ended up coming in and telling her that not only would he need to call the police because of her behaviour but that he wished we’d never had the children. He’s so dramatic about everything and can’t see that this is really unhelpful.

Last week he told me that he wished he was dead because the children were playing up so much.

I’ve begged him to go to counselling.

He won’t.

I’m slowly losing all respect for him. He huffs and puffs and it’s like having a third child. I’m constantly having to be super positive to offset his negativity.

The irony is we’ve had the nicest day we’ve had in ages.

The other day I actually found myself imagining what it would be like to be divorced. There’s got to be more to life than this. Not that it’s something I want, and the children would be devastated. But these small things keep happening and I can’t forget them. It’s building and I don’t know what to do, except repeat once again that it’s not acceptable. But I’m not his mother or his therapist.

AIBU to think he needs to get himself under control and stop saying things like that in front of the children?

I think the problem is that it's expected that when we have children, we will enjoy it. For some, unfortunately, this simply isn't the case and the decision cannot be reversed.
After having my second child, I seriously regretted my decision. I hated every minute of it. PND often popped up as a possibility as obviously it's so incredibly unfathomable that a parent would not enjoy having children. I gradually got used to the change and I adore him now, however it was a depressing, tough and guilt ridden journey.
I believe counselling helps a little, as a means of venting the grief- and I do believe it is grief for a different type of life, but that's as far as it goes. Either the parent accepts this life slowly or they do not and potentially abandon ship.
I would often make awful comments like this to my son's father, who utterly hated me for it, but I couldn't help the way I felt. I could have left, but the guilt would have eaten me alive. I was abandoned by my own Mother at around age 5 and knew all too well how it felt.
My point is, he us clearly not enjoying his life as a parent- and understandably so. I love my children to the moon and back, but the life of a parent is not exactly amazing a lot of the time. It is not unreasonable for people to miss their lives pre-children, in fact I believe many more do than let on due to fear of judgement.
Ultimately, he will either adjust or he will leave/you will end things.Good luck op, you have a rough road ahead.

I don't think I've ever seen an ultimatum work.

The value of an ultimatum is that it draws a non negotiable line in the sand.
The danger is that if you then negotiate how much abuse and neglect you are prepared to tolerate the ultimatum becomes an empty threat.

As a teacher, I come across so many teens who have suicidal thoughts and feel worthless. How will he prevent his comments coming back to haunt your kids?

I dated a man who told me he’d had a difficult relationship with a (now deceased) parent, who among many other things, eg being “distant” and unkind, had said this kind of thing to him and his sibling. Once or twice. He and his sibling both felt this, in particular, had been particularly awful/difficult.

Hello OP. I just wondered how things were for you at the moment? Better I hope.