To think DH has crossed a line

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

DH has been having a mid life crisis, for want of a better way to describe it, for nearly 2 years now. We’ve been together for 10 years and have 2 kids. He helps in the house, pulls his weight (mostly, when not working his v long hours) with the kids and makes me laugh like a drain. But he’s been struggling and it’s a bit like living with a dementor - he can’t see the joy in life at all, everything is difficult or awful or sighworthy. Nothing is positive or funny and he’s a complete workaholic- he’s talk about work til midnight most nights if I let him.

Our eldest has some challenges. Tonight she has played up. He ended up coming in and telling her that not only would he need to call the police because of her behaviour but that he wished we’d never had the children. He’s so dramatic about everything and can’t see that this is really unhelpful.

Last week he told me that he wished he was dead because the children were playing up so much.

I’ve begged him to go to counselling.

He won’t.

I’m slowly losing all respect for him. He huffs and puffs and it’s like having a third child. I’m constantly having to be super positive to offset his negativity.

The irony is we’ve had the nicest day we’ve had in ages.

The other day I actually found myself imagining what it would be like to be divorced. There’s got to be more to life than this. Not that it’s something I want, and the children would be devastated. But these small things keep happening and I can’t forget them. It’s building and I don’t know what to do, except repeat once again that it’s not acceptable. But I’m not his mother or his therapist.

AIBU to think he needs to get himself under control and stop saying things like that in front of the children?

Tel him tomorrow that you’ve made two appointments. One for him, for counselling. One for you, with a solicitor. Tell him either keeps his, or you’ll most certainly keep yours.

Don’t enter into debate, just draw the line and ask him to decide which side he wants to stand on. Say he’s got until x time to let you know his decision, and to think very carefully. Say he’s definitely standing at one of those few crucial life crossroads.

Don’t bluff, actually make those appointments first thing. All available via internet and phone at the moment. Good luck!

My DP probably could have written the same post about me just over a year ago. I was in a bad place and struggling. It took me for him to end up in A&E with an abnormal heart rhythm due to stress for us to have a discussion about it all. I didn’t understand why I was feeling like that and I didn’t necessarily see it all the time. I was diagnosed with depression, following untreated PND not long after. I’ve been having treatment since then and now a different person but I still have my bad days.
Your DH sounds like he may be in a very similar situation. I too lost my positive outlook and finding joy in things. I would have a discussion with him and urge him to see his GP. He may need a shock but hopefully he will be able to see clearly afterwards.

Can’t sleep

Wondering what my friends and family really think of him - have they been humouring me?

Trying to figure out plan for tomorrow. Like the idea of the two appointments. I have somewhere I can go for a couple of hours with then children. So I have the conversation and then go? Give him some space and peace to think? Might also scare him a little? I don’t want to play games, but you’re all right. I’m lying here thinking of more and more that I have missed and should have picked up on.

Whoever asked if I’ve changed my behaviour. Erm. A little bit. I used to say he moderated me, and balances me out. We’ve been really happy. At times. I struggled after DD2, and it was hard, generally I mean. She screamed and screamed (colic) and whilst I wasn’t depressed, I certainly wasn’t me for a while.

He worries about money a lot and this has rubbed off on me, I’ve noticed over the last year. Not as in what’s in the bank, but how much something has cost, if someone has a nice coat or bag or something and I comment on it.

My parents never wanted me to marry him. They never said it, but I can tell.

@mommathatwearspink sorry to hear you were in a similar place. I’m hopeful DH can get through it and be the man I married again.

Well you might all adore him but it doesn't seem like he adores any of you

And you will probably find if you leave the children are a lot happier

They both adore him. As do I.

He does sound adorable. He sounds abusive.
He told an 8 year he wished she wasn't born and put her presents in a bin.

This is unhinged behaviour

It's just not true though, children can love parents who are mean to them, but it's unlikely they haven't noticed. Saying 'they adore him' just brushes over their hurt and distress. Children do tend to love their parents, but as they get older, they get much more critical, and they won't cling/placate/adore anyone aged 13 if that person is mean, grumpy or nasty to them, even if they are also nice as well.

Saying things like that to your daughter is emotional abuse. As PPs are saying, that stuff stays with you. He needs to speak to her about that and try and make it better. I really hope he gets help. Good luck

Thing is it has to come from him, he must know that saying that you wished you hadn’t had your children to them must be damaging. He’s not stupid.
He said it to hurt them.

What is he doing about his problems? Is he lying awake thinking about how much hurt he’s causing. Bet he’s fast asleep. Is he going to get up in the morning to book a doctors appointment? Bet he doesn’t.
But I can bet that you will be walking on eggshells tomorrow. I bet you will rush around at 5.50 making sure that the house is tidy so not to cause any conflict.
I asked if you changed your behaviour to pacify him, to avoid conflict with him.
Please think back in the last couple of days how many things you’re done so that you didn’t upset him?
Kept the children quite?
Not asked him to help out?
Got straight out of bed in the morning so he didn’t get disturbed?
And if that is the case what would have happened if you hadn’t taken all these actions? What would his reaction be?

Genuinely hard to see how you could even like someone who would say and do such things to a small child, still less adore him.

Time for some hard thinking, OP. And some clear communication. He needs to sort himself out. And if he can't, or won't, honestly, is this the life you want for yourself and your poor children?

Does NOT ffs 🤦‍♀️

He is being emotionally abusive. This is really damaging OP. I understand he’s ill but this cannot continue.

I couldn't stay with someone who said and did those things to our children. The damage he's already done to them is bad enough. If this continues he's going to cripple them psychologically.

They have to come first. This has to be turned around immediately, before it's too late.
I think I'm one of the last dramatic posters here, but really, what he did and said makes me shudder. I think you need to move out. If you have a future together, it should only be taken up again when/if he's had help with his problems and come out the other side.

You might think that the front/role you're playing, giving pep talks etc, trying to jolly everyone along is helping the kids. In a way it is, but in another it's modelling for them that the family is not one where people (well, anyone except your husband) are allowed to share how they really feel, and mentioning anything unpleasant that they're feeling/going through it not ok. So they are not getting as much deep emotional support at home as they would benefit from.

I'm not saying that's your fault- it's a result of the situation you and your kids find yourself in.

I am 39 and I still remember how it felt when he put my christmas presents to him in the bin. When he told me he wished I didn't exist. He was emotionally abusive but now I am older I can see he was seriously depressed. It doesn't undo the damage he did to me. He made me feel worthless and the fact I remember clearly what he said all these years later, where much of my childhood is a blur says a lot.

The key thing here is he has to seek help, if not, you have to protect your children. The truth is that a lot of the time the damage inflicted isn't evident until children grow up and form their own relationships. My mum realised after my second abusive relationship and when my brother chose to remain single

How he's acting will actually be making your daughter's behaviour/issues worse, of course.

He effectively told your daughter, who depends on him and should be able to expect him to defend her to the death, that he wishes she were dead.

That must actually be terrifying for a child and I wouldn't be at all surprised if this is contributing to her poor behaviour, OP.

I am struck by how enthused he is about his busy work, and I assume he gets a buzz out of it. Then when he is out of work mode he ‘kicks the cat.’ He is acting like the king of the house. It is absolutely unacceptable that you should all be made to feel that you are the drains on his life. What a prick. Sorry but I am not seeing ‘adorable’ in how he treats you . Somebody’s behaviour needs to change, and it is not yours, OP. Sorry you are on furlough and imprisoned by this behaviour. If the lockdown is relaxed, do you see any prospect of improvement, or are his horrible habits too ingrained?

My DM told me she wished she’s never had my and my sister when I was 25. Over two decades later I can’t forget it and cannot understand what thought process would lead you to think such a thing, and then to think it was ok to say to the child in question. I know how damaging it is and to have that as a small child, but of an age to take it on board and remember, must be devastating and character forming in a very negative way.

Please think seriously about your assertion that he is not what his bahviour shows you he is. Believe his actions, not his words.

He told an 8 year he wished she wasn't born and put her presents in a bin

Terrible. How devastating for a child to hear and experience that from her own father. She should be feeling safe and loved.

& He's making you miserable too OP. Depression isn't a pass card for horrid behaviour towards your family, street angel/house devil style.

Bet he's not snappy and off-key with mates and work colleagues...

Best advice on here is from the pp who said make 2 appointments. Presumably they'll have to be Skype appointments but I hope you do go ahead. It's not on, him behaving like this refusing to address it.

I will likely get flamed for mentioning but are you sure there's not an OW?

Do you think this is more damaging for the kids than having to go through a divorce?

Yes.

When I wanted my husband to have counselling for a whole raft of built up issues, he was reluctant. I then told him I wanted to go to couples counselling for me, but really it was in the hope that the counsellor would make him realise he was completely messed up and needed help. This worked, he agreed to go to counselling and the man we saw made him very quickly realise he needed to sort his own issues out.

A few years down the line and he is a very different, and much improved human being.

He sounds really unwell. You having had depressive episodes doesn't mean that you can tell if he's depressed or not. And doesn't mean HE can tell either. It's common that very depressed people don't realise they are as it distorts your thinking.

He sounds really unwell. You having had depressive episodes doesn't mean that you can tell if he's depressed or not

I have a severe mental health disability. It doesn't excuse someone being a wanker, let alone being emotionally abusive to their children.

Didn't make excuses did I? Nor make any comment that his children are not being effected, as they obviously are.

I said he sounds unwell, which he does.

Mentally well people don't wish they were dead because primary aged children are being difficult.

Ta.