To think DH has crossed a line

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

DH has been having a mid life crisis, for want of a better way to describe it, for nearly 2 years now. We’ve been together for 10 years and have 2 kids. He helps in the house, pulls his weight (mostly, when not working his v long hours) with the kids and makes me laugh like a drain. But he’s been struggling and it’s a bit like living with a dementor - he can’t see the joy in life at all, everything is difficult or awful or sighworthy. Nothing is positive or funny and he’s a complete workaholic- he’s talk about work til midnight most nights if I let him.

Our eldest has some challenges. Tonight she has played up. He ended up coming in and telling her that not only would he need to call the police because of her behaviour but that he wished we’d never had the children. He’s so dramatic about everything and can’t see that this is really unhelpful.

Last week he told me that he wished he was dead because the children were playing up so much.

I’ve begged him to go to counselling.

He won’t.

I’m slowly losing all respect for him. He huffs and puffs and it’s like having a third child. I’m constantly having to be super positive to offset his negativity.

The irony is we’ve had the nicest day we’ve had in ages.

The other day I actually found myself imagining what it would be like to be divorced. There’s got to be more to life than this. Not that it’s something I want, and the children would be devastated. But these small things keep happening and I can’t forget them. It’s building and I don’t know what to do, except repeat once again that it’s not acceptable. But I’m not his mother or his therapist.

AIBU to think he needs to get himself under control and stop saying things like that in front of the children?

For those who are saying 'but what about when he has the kids' - right now he has the kids 100% of the time because he lives with them. So he has the opportunity to be shitty to them 100% of the time. With contact, it will be less. And of course as the kids grow older, they will be able to choose not to have contact if he's shitty to them.

And if he prioritises spending time at work and doesn't want to be with the kids very often, it's likely that he wouldn't see that much of them anyway. It would suit his narrative better to lie through his teeth and explain sadly that he'd love to see his kids more if only his evil ExW would let him...

The difference is Op is around now tho... don't think I'd like the sound of him supervising unchecked and unchallenged. I'd hate the thought of it. I say this as someone who missed a significant birthday of close family because husband's mood was so bad and I couldn't leave my three yo. Thankfully it has changed.

But he'll have had them unchecked and unchallenged over the last 2 years. It's impossible to police someone else 24/7. There are so many posters on here who have shared that their mothers stayed with abusive fathers to protect the children - and actually as adults they look back and wish that their mother had left rather than sticking it out.

I know and really I agree. I'm just pointing it out as something I'm sure op is considering. Ideally he, and only he, would move now to sort himself out.

Plus staying is modelling a really unhealthy relationship dynamic to children. In order to keep the peace you can't challenge back, you have to smooth things over and encourage all concerned to modify their behaviour so that they don't do anything to attract unwanted attention. What kind of message does that send to children when they grow up and pursue relationships of their own? There's a reason why women who have experienced DV, coercive control and emotional abuse are encouraged to complete the Freedom Programme.

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I didn't smooth over, I called him on it, ignored the childish strops and made it clear to dc it was not there fault. Meanwhile oh got counselling plus ADs.

That wasn't aimed at you personally. It sounds like your situation is rather different to the OP's - my post was aimed at her.

It's not perfect and I will remain forever vigilant, he feels scrutinised at times I know but that's the result of the past. I do wish I'd stood firmer earlier, tho I said it I was so thrown myself I probably wasn't strong enough.

I know Fallon.

It's good to discuss all the options. And I hope OP is seeing some positive progress.

Telling your children you wish they were never born has to be one of the most damaging things you could ever say. Just horrible.

"Snapshot"...I don't think so🙄

The OP has been the butt of his abusive manner for nearly 2 years...hardly a snapshot.

He has the house terrorised with his threat of exploding.

Divorce is a possibility in the future.

The present is to get him out of the home so they can have some peace.

OP, please don't allow thoughts of protecting the children keep you from calling the police.

Your children know well that they live in a very scary house.

Children much younger than yours may not have the words but through play and art therapy can articulate clearly the horror of what they were living through.

Your children know well that yours is neither a happy nor safe home.

Reach out for support IRL.
Contact the police.
Get him out.

Give yourself space and peace.

Do NOT go to counselling with your abuser....jesus why do people suggest that.

I’m reading and listening, I promise.

I just can’t act as quick as some of you want me to.

We had a very long talk yesterday afternoon and I am speaking to a counsellor this afternoon, for me and the children.

His childhood was shit, by all accounts his father was a very strange man and his mother is a shell of a woman who is still struggling ten years after he died.

I have ordered the book recommended.

I have also asked him what he’s so afraid of learning about himself in therapy, and that I need visible progress of change and working on changing, just ‘thinking about it’s not enough.

Of course you can't act quickly, OP. It's the worst of times for that. Your determination that things have to change comes across very clearly. Take your time, I'm not one of those who think you're going to backslide.

In a way, lock down is great. He's been told. Now he has time. He either does change or he doesn't. You'll know by the time you can do anything about it.

My suspicion is that he will quickly fall back into it.

No idea if it's been suggested but the book When anger hurts your child is good. Old but good.

I'm not one of those who think you're going to backslide.

I don't think that's quite fair. It's not about 'backsliding'. Posters (me included) have pointed out that strong words need to be backed up or they carry no weight - which can be counter-productive. And the main concern is actually her H's ability to commit to taking this seriously and addressing his behaviour - it being all to easy to throw some empty promises and then slip back into normal mode after a few days or weeks.

OP as others have said, the lockdown is giving you a chance to review and think about what to do for the best. If you feel that the children are OK at the moment then that's the priority. You need to have a plan for if that changes.

The children are ok and they are my priority.

I’m making plans and biding my time to see if it’s all bluster.

FallonSwift poorly worded on my part, apologies.

He sounds self absorbed all me me me this Jane depression that I have suffered so no it does not sound like depression. I've had depression where I didn't want to get out of bed ,sleep etc I didn't take it out on anyone around me it was my battle within myself I didn't blame people or project.
He sounds selfish self absorbed and he projects everything back onto you or the kids and saying I wish I didn't have kids or wish you had never been born very cruel.
Why do you have to keep pacifying a grown man baby he sounds relentless and maybe he just miserable and not depressed or anxious at all doesn't sound like it. People hide behind mental illness or childhood issues which drives me mad I had a horrible childhood of abuse but I don't take it out on my family or kids it's not their fault why would I ? It's a cop out so don't fall for that line.
Don't you want to be happy ? Where do your needs fit in with his? It sounds like you are overlooked trying to keep him happy and exhausting yourself life is to short .

OP, of course this will take time.

The biggest decision is your realisation that your children and you can no longer be his emotional punching bag.

Depression.....whatever....

It is not acceptable.
You get that I think.

If I were you, I start also training yourself to realise, he isn't your priority, his wellbeing isn't your priority, his mood isn't your priority....

Two long years you have put up with this shit.

You now know that he is prepared to emotionally scar your children.

I think that changes everything.

You are a great woman who has tried to keep everyone going.

Allow yourself to now accept that actually you are done making him a priority.

Cross him off the list.

Do that for you.

Whatever will happen with him....will happen....you aren't going to change that.

What you can change is the extent to which he emotionally damages your little girls.

Visibly to him, turn your focus from him.
Make it abundantly clear to him....he is NOT your priority.

Tell him his children need one healthy, strong parent, prepared to put their needs first.

He's made it clear, as he has wallowed for nearly two years, that he could give a damn about them.
I'm sorry, but that is very clear reading your posts.

Focus on you and the girls.

Also, children can be challenging....the teenage years can be especially.....with the template you have witnessed over the past two years from him....you could have a total shit show of clashes, and emotional abuse of your children, by him.

You have humoured him for a long two years, and I realise this has become a habit for you, and it will be strange, but avert your gaze from him.

Leave him to it.
If he wants to change, really wants to, he will.

You now need to solely focus, on yours, and your girls wellbeing.

Again, reach out for support IRL.

You have this OP.👍

@pointythings it's a fair point though. It is easy for people (including me!) to be shouting at the screen whilst the poor OP is completely blindsided having not expected people to tell her that her H is an arse.

OP I know you've already read this because it's been posted twice already, but I'm another one who walked on eggshells growing up and this resonated massively:

You might think that the front/role you're playing, giving pep talks etc, trying to jolly everyone along is helping the kids. In a way it is, but in another it's modelling for them that the family is not one where people (well, anyone except your husband) are allowed to share how they really feel, and mentioning anything unpleasant that they're feeling/going through it not ok. So they are not getting as much deep emotional support at home as they would benefit from.

I realise divorce is a massive step to take, but you can't ever, ever give him that ultimatum again unless you're 100% ready to follow through with it.

What you do need is to stop placating him and trying to mediate. You have to call him out on his behaviour every single time from now on. Show your DC, by example, how they deserve - and should expect - to be treated in a relationship.