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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluding autistic children from wedding

248 replies

DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 16:38

My ex-husband and I have three children together, two are autistic, one is not.

Last year my ex got married to his now wife in secret with no guests. Subsequently they decided they wanted a ‘big wedding’. Unfortunately for them said wedding was cancelled due to lockdown. The children were all very sad, they had been looking forward to their fathers wedding and they were excited to be included the wedding party with their smart new clothes. They had even been for new haircuts as the wedding was literally the day after gatherings were banned.

Ex-husband and his wife have now decided that their rescheduled ‘big wedding’ will take place abroad rather than in the UK. Fair enough, his wife is from another country and the wedding will now take place in that country. However, he has said that he will only take our neurotypical child with him leaving the other two behind. I completely understand him not wanting to take the autistic children abroad, they can be challenging at the best of times. But I don’t think it’s fair if he only takes one child to his wedding. The other two will be heartbroken and I’ll be left picking up the pieces.

My Mum thinks it’s a great opportunity for neurotypical child to spend time away from siblings and have 1:1 time with Dad, not to mention the experience of spending time in a different culture. While I don’t disagree that all those things would be wonderful for that child. I feel it’s very unfair on the other two. Especially as they were so disappointed the original wedding had to be cancelled.

If he wants to get married abroad and have none of his children there fair enough. But imo it’s all of them or none of them. AIBU?

OP posts:
PinkSparkleUnicorns · 19/04/2020 16:41

Will your autistic children be upset they cannot go? If so the YANBU Sad

RedHelenB · 19/04/2020 16:41

Is the NT child the eldest?

caramac04 · 19/04/2020 16:41

I feel sorry for your autistic children being left out. Would it be possible for you to have a family holiday and attend the wedding or transport all DC to wedding?

2beautifulbabs · 19/04/2020 16:43

Yanbu I wouldn't separate my children like that at all it will give off the wrong impression to your autistic children of them not being loved equally and that no one wants them around.

While I can see the argument that your other child shouldn't have to be excluded either I would just simply say no to your EX that it's unfair to separate the siblings

bloodyhellsbellsx · 19/04/2020 16:44

I think it depends on how old the children are, how severe their SEN is and if you think they’d be able to cope with a trip abroad without you.

Janaih · 19/04/2020 16:45

I can see his point. But I can see yours more. So yanbu. Poor kids.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 19/04/2020 16:49

You don't have to pick up the pieces - you are your children's advocate and, without wanting to be crass, for me it would be all or fuck all.

You don't get to choose which child to take on a holiday, you don't get to pick your favourite or best, you don't get to play divide and conquer. He's a bit of an arsehole and you would BU to allow him to hurt his children simply because it's what he wants. Fuck that. What about what your autistic children want? If he's already got married this is just a party, let them bugger off and have their shitty party without any of the DC because autism isn't a reason to not accept, welcome, adore or include any DC let alone your own.

OP, are you cross about this? I'm not suggesting you go wild, but I would be incredibly cross, hurt and upset, and would also be willing to go to bat over this.

Sceptre86 · 19/04/2020 16:50

I would not separate the kids, so either he took all of them or none. He does not get to cherry pick between them, they are all his children.

lemontreebird · 19/04/2020 16:50

Hmm, for me it would depend on how much the NT child's daily life is impacted by his/her siblings' autism.
If that's a lot, then yes, I can see your mum's point.

Original poster
DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 16:51

I think they would be very upset. The eldest is 13, autistic, not able to attend mainstream school. Middle child is 12, neurotypical. Youngest is 6, autistic but very different to the eldest, very loud, attends mainstream.

OP posts:
Shmithecat2 · 19/04/2020 16:53

I don't think YABU, but at the same time I feel bad for the NT child that they will miss out because it's not suitable for all 3 of them. Sad

Brogley · 19/04/2020 16:54

I'd tell him no as it's unfair on the other two children, he doesn't get to pick and choose which child he trots out at family events and which children he leaves at home like a dirty secret.

He either takes all of them or none of them, I'm betting he will opt for none.

Original poster
DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 16:56

Yeah, I’m pretty cross. Especially as the neurotypical child is obviously favoured over the other two in other more subtle ways. I think if it wasn’t for the neurotypical child he probably wouldn’t have much if any contact with the other two.

I’ve not said anything to him yet because he can be fickle so he may yet change his mind. But I’m more annoyed that my Mum is not annoyed!

OP posts:
TriangleBingoBongo · 19/04/2020 16:57

I’m a bit torn on this. On the face of it it sounds terrible, but as the parent of an autistic child I know my DSS wouldn’t cope with a big wedding and actually it would just really stress him out. For my own wedding, DSS came for an hour but quickly became too overwhelmed and it was better for him to leave. He was clearly stressed and was acting out.

If your NT child would enjoy the wedding, it doesn’t seem right that they should also have to avoid situations owing to their autistic siblings.

We have a similar situation now. As DSS gets older we recognise that actually trying desperately to include DSS makes some outings stressful for everyone and nobody enjoys it. Nobody wants to be in a meltdown situation and unfortunately for us it often means someone gets hurt. My own DS is NT (as far as I know) and I wouldn’t want him left out of events that he might otherwise enjoy. He deserves to enjoy different experiences too.

So I can see why you’re upset and it is upsetting, but assuming your two autistic children wouldn’t cope I can understand. It is a unfortunate fact of life and our job as parents is to manage how we deliver that information and help our children make sense of it.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 19/04/2020 16:58

I think thats a really tough one, your mum is right that 1 to 1 time with their Dad would be good but I think for that to take place at his wedding (and honestly how much time is he going to be spending with his kid in the build up and duration of that?) with the other children left out is really cruel. They will always be reminded at any anniversary gatherings etc that two of them were not normal enough to attend and that sort of thing breeds sibling rivalry.

How often does you ex have each of your kids normally?

CoffeeIsMyOnlyJoy · 19/04/2020 16:58

My DB is severely autistic. I'd have been pretty pissed off at him being excluded by our Dad. YANBU.

AlternativePerspective · 19/04/2020 16:58

You say that you agree with your mum that it will be good for the NT child to spend time away from their siblings, that implies that the siblings’ SN is quite complex and has a significant impact on your NT child.

Take the wedding out of the equation here. If this was a general holiday abroad, would you agree that the NT child should go and not the other two?

Davespecifico · 19/04/2020 17:00

It leaves a bad taste, I think. It seems wrong.
You know better than us. If it would have minimal impact long term in the other 2 children, then you might decide it’s worth it.
But as you’ve said, all 3 children were prepared for and excited about the cancelled wedding. So I’d imagine the new arrangement won’t go down well with them.

Original poster
DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 17:01

I do feel bad for my neurotypical child as having autistic siblings does make life more difficult at times. They do get breaks and treats away from the others though with Young Carers though.

I think life is harder for the autistic children. Particularly the youngest who is very self aware and hates that nobody wants to be friend with them. They would feel very left out.

OP posts:
MamaGee09 · 19/04/2020 17:01

FOR me it’s all .or nothing. I could never take one child on holiday without the other, its totally unfair.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/04/2020 17:05

What is his relationship like with his children post-divorce, OP? Is he a kind and loving father? Sees them together and/or individually for a decent amount of time? Pays regular maintenance?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 19/04/2020 17:06

Yeah, I’m pretty cross. Especially as the neurotypical child is obviously favoured over the other two in other more subtle ways.

That cements it. Ex is an arsehole and doesn't deserve to take any of the DC if he plays favourites.That's just not what real parents do.

I have a 14 year old with autism. He can be a complex thing and for all that he struggles with social cues and relationships, he knows that my MIL favours DS9 (who is NT) over him. She's sly and subtle about it, but he knows. And as he has grown up and asked, I've been honest and said that some adults are just shitty people (and we've since gone VLC with MIL, which has been a positive) but there's a very good chance that your DC will see the favouritism and be hurt and damaged by it - this holiday is simply an extension of that.

peppermintcapsules · 19/04/2020 17:07

I'd say no. At any rate, it's not a wedding, he's already married.

Original poster
DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 17:07

Taking the wedding out of the equation I think I would still be uneasy. If it was a case of taking each child in turn so each can have 1:1 time then fair enough. I think it makes me annoyed because the reason is because the others are hard work. I could have great holidays abroad and days out if I only ever took my NT child.

OP posts:
TriangleBingoBongo · 19/04/2020 17:09

That’s true too Hamster. Would the autistic children cope and enjoy it? Or would it be too much? As obviously they’re all individuals in this too.

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