Excluding autistic children from wedding

[DancingHamster]

My ex-husband and I have three children together, two are autistic, one is not.

Last year my ex got married to his now wife in secret with no guests. Subsequently they decided they wanted a ‘big wedding’. Unfortunately for them said wedding was cancelled due to lockdown. The children were all very sad, they had been looking forward to their fathers wedding and they were excited to be included the wedding party with their smart new clothes. They had even been for new haircuts as the wedding was literally the day after gatherings were banned.

Ex-husband and his wife have now decided that their rescheduled ‘big wedding’ will take place abroad rather than in the UK. Fair enough, his wife is from another country and the wedding will now take place in that country. However, he has said that he will only take our neurotypical child with him leaving the other two behind. I completely understand him not wanting to take the autistic children abroad, they can be challenging at the best of times. But I don’t think it’s fair if he only takes one child to his wedding. The other two will be heartbroken and I’ll be left picking up the pieces.

My Mum thinks it’s a great opportunity for neurotypical child to spend time away from siblings and have 1:1 time with Dad, not to mention the experience of spending time in a different culture. While I don’t disagree that all those things would be wonderful for that child. I feel it’s very unfair on the other two. Especially as they were so disappointed the original wedding had to be cancelled.

If he wants to get married abroad and have none of his children there fair enough. But imo it’s all of them or none of them. AIBU?

Your boys do need to learn to accept that they'll get left out I things. I couldn’t disagree with this more. I think they need to learn to find ways of achieving the outcomes they want. Mine will be expecting far more than reluctant tolerance. Integration and inclusion are very different things.

I wouldn't allow it. At a push I'd let him leave the younger one behind if I felt he was too young for it.

My ex used to do this all the time as my DD with narcolepsy and allergies was too much trouble for him. He also finds her cataplexy embarassing.

I would accept him taking DD1 ice skating and DD2 somewhere else because it was safer for her. I accepted him doing different things because of their likes and dislikes.

Family occasions however were non-negotiable. They both went or neither went. They're now in their teens and agree that I did the right thing.

Your boys do need to learn to accept that they'll get left out I things

They do, but they don't need to learn that lesson from their own family. They need to know that despite being left out of things by other people their family will not unnecessarily punish them for their differences

Nottherealslimshady Thank you for speaking the truth. Some people here, especially parents of both NT and non-NT kids, are treating all the kids as if they are non-NT. That is completely wrong and the NT kids will resent this.

I know I still feel resentful about all the limitations placed on my life because of my non-NT brother. He came to believe that if he couldn't do something, then no one else should. The huge kickoff when I went to uni was horrendous and every subsequent visit home was miserable because he was taught that we should have the same lives.

NT and non-NT will have different lives and different experiences. Stop pretending that they won't. You are doing a disservice to all the kids.

Let your NT son go to the wedding. Do something nice with his siblings while he is gone.

Also it's important to remember that the NT child would not be missing out because of his siblings, he would be missing out because his father chose to go somewhere unsuitable for them as a family. There is a difference.

Just say no

This is a man that is already married anyway. He's done that without involving his DC.

The new wedding abroad isn't planned with any of your DC's needs in mind. If he really wanted them there he wouldn't be doing it.

You are the one with the day to day care and will be left picking up the pieces if NT child goes. Even if NT child were to attend who would be responsible for him, because dad and step mum will surely not want him to be in their room?

They've planned this knowing the three DC don't hold passports too!

It's a none starter really,

As they're not in a position to do any foreign travel I would not mention it to the DC unless you have to.

arf at treating NT and ND children as if they were the same I honestly cannot see how someone with lived experience of ND siblings could think that could happen.

5zeds How dare you scoff at the clearly painful experiences that people are sharing? How dare you? It's easy to be this nasty behind a keyboard, isn't it?

For me it depends on if realistically the other two children could attend and enjoy the wedding abroad, if the answer is no, or only if you and your partner attended (which you’re unwilling to do) then the NT child should be able to go. If the reason the other two children have been uninvited is because they wouldn’t cope or enjoy going to a wedding abroad or they require a level of care that your ex husband is unable to provide (yes him getting married abroad knowing this was very shitty), but I don’t think your NT child should be denied going to try and make things “fair” or “equal” when things aren’t fair or equal anyway. It also sounds like your NT child has some caring responsibilities, so I agree with your MIL it would be a nice break for them and some 1 on 1 time with their father and his family.

I’m not scoffing at anything, I genuinely can’t see how you could live (as OPs child does) with two autistic brothers one of whom can’t attend MS school and think you are all treated exactly the same all the time. I’m not being nasty nor am I “hiding behind a keyboard”. We are all communicating through keyboards . I’m sorry it upset you that your brother was jealous when you went to university. You appear to have gone and he didn’t so you struggled to deal with the fallout of the necessary differences in your experiences. The wedding abroad is NOT a necessary difference, it’s a cruel and divisive bit of callous laziness on the part of the father.

I agree he’s a disgrace. It’s up to him to arrange a wedding celebration that all his children can attend. That’s what mums of SN kids do ( or step mums like me ).

If you really think that this is a genuine attempt to spend quality time abroad , one to one with each child, then agree.

Just insist that he takes the kids with ASD away abroad , one to one, FIRST. He’s got plenty time to do this before the wedding trip .

So all three kids get a holiday alone with dad.

And for a bit of reality, passport office wasn’t issuing passports in lockdown and how are they planning to go on an exotic holiday during pandemic?

My middle child has Downs. My ex husband & his wife wanted to take her 2 NT brothers to Thailand and both of us agreed that a) it would be lovely for the boys to spend time with their father without DD as she does require a lot of extra support/attention b) she'd hate the food and struggle with the climate and c) she wouldn't get much out of it culturally whereas for the other 2 it'd be an amazing experience. My view is that people posting what an arse your ex is probably don't have kids with SEN. I've no doubt you try as best as you humanly can not to let your NT son miss out, but inevitably his life will be compromised to a degree and I think it'd be a wonderful opportunity for him to get proper quality time with his Dad & new step mum. It's ridiculous that people are saying it's all or none at any cost. The entire dynamic is changed when you are looking after and having to manage SEN DC. Let your boy go

My ex husband & his wife wanted to take her 2 NT brothers to Thailand and both of us agreed that a) it would be lovely for the boys to spend time with their father without DD as she does require a lot of extra support/attention b) she'd hate the food and struggle with the climate and c) she wouldn't get much out of it culturally whereas for the other 2 it'd be an amazing experience.

That's a completely different scenario. I've taken my DD's on different holidays that supports their needs and enjoyment. That's not the same as their father's wedding.

He has effectively uninvited two of his children so he can get married abroad. That's not taking his middle child on a holiday suited to their needs, it's actively choosing to not include the other two in his family celebration.

I just have one question for you OP. You're remarried. Did you have all 3 of your children at your wedding or did you just select the NT one and ship the other two off to their dads to miss out? I already know the answer to this question but I wanted to highlight how if YOU had only had one of your children at your wedding, you'd have been the worst mother in the world. Why is it different for him? So sick of these double standards when it comes to men and women being parents. You wouldn't get away with it, would you? Did you create these children on your own or something?

Very dependent on the child. My autistic child gets an enormous amount from travelling though not the same things as his siblings.

Why can't people distinguish between normal day-to-day events and standard holidays - which it is fine to take one or other child on and all do t have be together all the time, AND a key family event that forms part of a the whole sense of family?

Yes, all children should have time with parents alone, regardless of if they have SN or not. Yes, siblings of children with SN need time with parents doing things which might not be possible when their siblings are there and yes, families with multiple children where some are NT and some aren't have to be pragmatic and accept that all experiences won't work for everyone. BUT, when the parent chooses their wedding, surely they choose a style and location that works for all their children?

I can't think of an event more significant for a family than a parents wedding, that one would try to arrange to be suitable for all 3 children. Even if it was decided that a particular style of party or part of the event was wanted and wouldn't suit all the children, you would at least plan for some of it to be suitable for all, so all 3 could be included.

I wonder if it is the new wife who isn't really on board with the needs of the autistic children. Understandably she wants a wedding she will love, but perhaps her thinking is still just about herself and not about the children which are now becoming part of her life too. This would be a very sad turn of events for the children if that were the case and not bode well for the future. It is the responsibility of the father to make it clear that all 3 children come with him into the new marriage. It is an error on his part, either by his own choice or by not making things clearer to the new wife, that THIS PARTICULAR EVENT - his own marriage needs to have all of his children present. There will be plenty of other events and holidays when it will be fine to sometimes have 1 or other child and not all 3. But not this one.

I can't think of an event more significant for a family than a parents wedding, that one would try to arrange to be suitable for all 3 children. Even if it was decided that a particular style of party or part of the event was wanted and wouldn't suit all the children, you would at least plan for some of it to be suitable for all, so all 3 could be included.

Or at least stick with the plan that included them all rather than changing it to somewhere that didn't suit the majority of your children...

5zeds What does 'arf' and a big grin signify, pray tell? It does not have a very respectful meaning, and you know it. It is particularly out of order to combine that with your expressions of doubt about the veracity of the lived experiences of other posters. Shame on you.

That aside, ND presents in very different ways. Your son is able to travel and appreciate it. Wonderful. My brother was very strong and very aggressive and violent, as I said below. A plane ride? Impossible. The OP has stated that it would be difficult for her ND kids. What does "difficult" mean?

In my case my parents made the decision that no one in the family could have a vacation involving a plane ride so as not to leave my brother out. I think that is madness. In your eyes, those vacations would count as unnecessary?

My brother's inexcusable violence towards me and the pets was dismissed because he was ND. Again, madness.

My post is not to condemn ND kids but to stay stop pretending that they should be given the same opportunities as their NT siblings. In other words, do not limit the experiences and opportunities (whether "necessary" or not) of NT kids because their ND siblings cannot enjoy them.

If you choose to respond, please do so without the disrespectful exclamations and emojis.

@forsucksfake

Sounds like your brother is pretty similar to my DSS and I’m sorry you suffered as a consequence.

If my DSS is violent towards somebody else many in the family take the view it’s the other persons fault (whether much younger, much smaller etc) for merely being present and it can make a really difficult dynamic. Pets are a problem here too. I hope me and DH are striking a better balance than your parents. However well meaning they might have been.

I don’t know what ND is?

Nuero diverse

I’ll respond as I choose, but I think you are unlikely to be able to find any common ground with me as you appear to have fundamentally apposing views and I’m never going to think it’s ok or even possible to treat nt and ND people the same (and am likely to find the suggestion funny) or that the difference in needs should be an excuse to exclude.

Your parents are responsible for their actions and I’m not sure why you are looking to me to defend them?

TriangleBingoBongo, I have sympathy for you and your husband. I love my brother as I am sure you love your SS. But really, I hope my experiences and those of other siblings can inform the way you parent.
My parents did the best they were capable of. They felt guilty for bringing a ND child into the world (with all his limitations). That guilt was the basis of their decisions. I can sympathise and feel resentful at the same time.

Please take the needs of your NT and pets kids into consideration. The violence and aggression leave permanent physical and mental scars. Blaming the victims is Another acceptable. Kids need protection and the right to not grow up in fear.

I know you live all of your children.

I'm sorry but your husband should have just rearranged a wedding that all 3 can attend, this is appalling, he's still their parent, OP would you have arranged a wedding that only your NT child could attend? Obviously not. I think he's a disgrace for even suggesting it.

This isn't a holiday or the opportunity for one on one time which can be made up to the children missing out at a different time. It's a man choosing to deliberately exclude two of his children from his wedding when he could instead choose to have them all there. It's baffling to me that anyone thinks this is ok.

He's making his priorities very clear, and they aren't his three DCs.

Taking none of them and doing something special as a family (him, SM, and three DCs) when he's back from his trip which he values more than his children would be the lesser of two evils since he's clearly decided his wedding isn't a family activity. At least that way he isn't telling his two ND children they aren't part of his new family but their NT sibling is.