Excluding autistic children from wedding

[DancingHamster]

My ex-husband and I have three children together, two are autistic, one is not.

Last year my ex got married to his now wife in secret with no guests. Subsequently they decided they wanted a ‘big wedding’. Unfortunately for them said wedding was cancelled due to lockdown. The children were all very sad, they had been looking forward to their fathers wedding and they were excited to be included the wedding party with their smart new clothes. They had even been for new haircuts as the wedding was literally the day after gatherings were banned.

Ex-husband and his wife have now decided that their rescheduled ‘big wedding’ will take place abroad rather than in the UK. Fair enough, his wife is from another country and the wedding will now take place in that country. However, he has said that he will only take our neurotypical child with him leaving the other two behind. I completely understand him not wanting to take the autistic children abroad, they can be challenging at the best of times. But I don’t think it’s fair if he only takes one child to his wedding. The other two will be heartbroken and I’ll be left picking up the pieces.

My Mum thinks it’s a great opportunity for neurotypical child to spend time away from siblings and have 1:1 time with Dad, not to mention the experience of spending time in a different culture. While I don’t disagree that all those things would be wonderful for that child. I feel it’s very unfair on the other two. Especially as they were so disappointed the original wedding had to be cancelled.

If he wants to get married abroad and have none of his children there fair enough. But imo it’s all of them or none of them. AIBU?

There’s a thread running at the moment about child carers and how unfair life is for them so on that basis I can kind I’d understand where your mum is coming from, tbh.

And from that thread it does seem that the parents can be a bit blind to how hard things are for these kids so is that a possibility?

Aside from that, who would take care of the children if he was to bring them?

I don’t blame you being upset if it’s because of his wedding...but then you say it’s not really a wedding?!

Which is why I think he should get married in the UK where all his children can attend.

But his wedding is also about his new wife. You can't dictate to him that the wedding should be in the UK when her family are abroad. She's already had one big disappointment.

Sadly this is situation where there's not an answer that works for everyone. You've said yourself that the children with autism probably wouldn't enjoy it the wedding or the change of place and routine.

There is no excuse for this behaviour.

Fucking disgusting.

I’m not sure I’d be able to sit quietly on this one. I’d be emailing the exH and CC’ing in the exILs. I’d want all to know what a pathetic ‘father’ he is.

My DS has hfASD and whilst not appearing bothered about friendships has made comments in the past about classmates parties etc... they are aware even if the don’t explicitly tell you.

I feel sorry for your NT child. In addition to caring responsibilities you mentioned, he has to miss out on a trip abroad because it would be too much for his siblings?

He has to miss out in a trip abroad as his father is an arsehole who thinks its okay to pick and choose which of his children are acceptable to have on show and which are not. There is one person to blame in all of this and that's the adult man, not the children.

It would be one thing if he invited all three children and the two autistic children didn't want to go or OP turned down the invitation for them due to their needs but said NT child could still go. It's quite another thing for them to not even be invited in the first place.

My DS has hfASD and whilst not appearing bothered about friendships has made comments in the past about classmates parties etc... they are aware even if the don’t explicitly tell you.

Eldest DS is acutely aware that he does not get invited to birthday parties despite being desperate to attend. Youngest DS is developing the same awareness as he moves beyond the age of whole class parties, when they got invites by default, and smaller parties with chosen friends which they never get chosen for. Younger DS had a birthday party for his last birthday, out of a class of 30 children only two showed up.

I think YABU. I grew up with a non- NT brother and he took all the attention in the family. His aggression and limitations meant I could not have a normal childhood or home. I think it is really not fair for your NT child to be denied experiences because they are unsuitable for your non-NT kids. Please be very mindful of this now and in the future.

I know you love your children equally and want them to be treated equally. That is not going to be possible. You can be fair to all children without giving them the same opportunities. There are things that will be tailored to or more suitable for your non-NT kids that your NT child will not benefit from. Not unfair, just different.

You go and then your disabled children can also go and you have a holiday at same time sorted

He could probably use the money it would cost for one child’s flight for a small holiday for all of them together. And then everyone can enjoy themselves

Actually that sounds to me like the better option

I agree with most that only asking one child isn't a normal thing to do, but since you said the other two "probably wouldn't enjoy it" and that "it would be difficult logistically" I'm wondering who'd be caring for them or dealing with anything unexpected during the event?

Will your autistic children understand that they’re not attending? My son has autism and wouldn’t understand there was a wedding or where his siblings were going. However if they understand I think that’s pretty selfish tbh. If it were me I might consider it only because it’s difficult for the siblings without autism to live with the daily melt downs etc it might be a break for them yes. But on the other hand I totally understand what you’re saying and would also feel upset about not wanting to take them as it’s hard work.

None of them have passports, they are all expired.

What’s the liklihood of your ex managing to organise and pay for a new passport for the middle child? The whole thing might be a non-starter anyway.

It’s not really as simple as the NT child needs a break. I know it’s not technically a wedding but would the middle child be bothered by the fact he was invited and his siblings weren’t? A bit of 1:1 time away with a parent is one thing. This seems different and might end up backfiring on your ex if your NT child sees the injustice.

I have NT children and children with autism and tbh our NT children had a holiday every year with now exh whilst I stayed home with the child/children with autism so for me I wouldn't see the problem with what exh suggests. I'm sure your NT child's life is impacted by the needs of their siblings just as my dc's lives were. I felt it important that for a week or two every year they had the chance to be without the restrictions or limits and needs of the ones with autism.

I'd not send any of them, it's not like he's ven in their life much now.
Tell the kids the truth, I wouldn't do his dirty work for him.

If you allow your NT child to attend the wedding but not your other children, it will set a precedent. It's like your autistic children are being air brushed out of the story. How does your ex H's new wife get along with all of the children? Are your autistic children seen as a 'problem?' I think it's an awful situation to have placed you in tbh. I really feel for you. Due to it being their dads wedding, it should be all or none of them.

Maybe your NT child would like to spend some one to one time with her dad. She'd like the attention.

Would your autistic dc enjoy the trip and cope without you?

I can see both POVs. No easy answer here. But they are all your h's dc so he should take them all into account.

Don't let 'darling' Daddy dictate things and cause upset and division between your children. He sounds like an arsehole who likes things to be 'perfect', is autism too 'messy' for him?

@tenlittlecygnets well that is okay occasionally on regular visits, as long as each child got one to one. But at your wedding? Your own child? No no no. Exclusion at it’s worst.

@DancingHamster you really need to let your NT child go to the wedding. A friend of mine has an autistic younger sister. Considering we are now adults with our own children she still feels the 'trauma' as she puts it as always being put last through out her childhood, and even now the same applies. She resents the fact that they could never do anything unless it was suitable for Anna, they left restaurants if Anna felt overwhelmed after 30 minutes, they couldn't go to the seaside because Anna didn't like the feel of sand, they always had to have Anna's choice of dinner or there would be a meltdown, Anna was comforted if she lashed out at her sister when it should have been the other way around or both of them etc etc - Basically my friend said she stopped existing in her parents eyes when she was 3, the day her sister was born. Just be careful. You don't want your NT to think you are punishing him because he's not autistic. Maybe you could go on the holiday with all the children, you don't have to attend the wedding but be close by incase there's a meltdown? Will other family members be there, could they help?

He's an absolute screaming arsehole, and you have all my sympathy. I can well imagine MIL doing this, were it not that she refuses to accept DS has anything "wrong with him" other than my parenting.

The thing you need to do is weigh up costs and benefits. NT child does suffer when the attention and opportunities are unavoidably curtailed by the needs of the HD sibling(s). My own younger child is being referred to Young Carers because of this. But if anyone suggested she should have something her ASD sibling didn't she would be the first to kick off at the unfairness.

A child capable of attending mainstream is more than capable of being devastated over this. And my eldest, who is not mainstream suitable but is both very bright and very sensitive, would also be devastated.

Sadly, as the years go on their father's being a worthless waste of oxygen in this regard will become apparent. But there's no need to facilitate his making it so plain, so brutally, in this way. I'd say he takes all or he takes none. Full stop.

I'm so sorry. It's challenging enough without having to negotiate things like this on top. I send love.

@Office9to5 I'm also the NT sib of an ASD person. I also suffered horribly from it, because in the 80s it wasn't understood, and we went from his having first dibs on all available family money for lessons and treats, to his going into care for a while because he posed a physical risk. You don't redress that by allowing brutal unfairness on this sort of scale, and you don't create positive sibling relationships by allowing either side to be treated as the red-headed stepchild.

It's hard though. I have worked with individuals who are autistic. The siblings always seem to have missed out or struggled in some way.

Would they deal well with a big event. If they wouldn't cope well why should the other child miss out?

As a parent to a child with ntd growing up with a sibling with asd I’m very conscious of the challenges and the experiences that she misses out on, so I can see your DM’s point of view on this.

However, what changes it for me was that there was a huge build up for all three children. If it had been just your dd going from the start, that might have been something that you could spin, but this new arrangement is actively excluding them and it’s cruel.

I’m also going to add that being a favourite isn’t necessarily a good thing, and can be subtly but insidiously damagingly. It’s another burden for your dd to carry.

Oh this is a hard one. Having a sibling that is Autistic and missing out on lots of things growing up that I would have enjoyed (and they would not, or not been able to cope with) in the interests of 'fairness' I can see both sides.

It's a shit one to be fair.

It's really not ok to plan a wedding your children can't come to. It wasn't ok to do it once with the 'secret' wedding where they didn't consider the needs of existing children, it really isn't ok to do it again with a wedding that is unsuitable for two out of three existing children.

Can you spell out to him that this is unacceptable parenting?

I think even if all the children were NT they would ideally have more than one adult they are close with to be there with them for a trip that is very far in a place that is very different, especially if doing something like that is new to them. I say this as a parent who has repeatedly taken their children half way round the world to meet family in a v different culture and climate. It anyway takes a lot of thought/planning/preparation and in some ways protection so the child has time & space to adjust and absorb and so on. If it is only one adult and said adult is the groom then I'd worry they don't really have capacity to properly look after the children or even one child. He is going to be busy and want to put on a good show for host community, which could make looking after any kid feel stressful. I wouldn't be happy any of them going given it's his wedding and his focus will be elsewhere

Incidentally, one of the things I did do, using the DLA, was pay for my younger child's favourite playgroup worker to take her out for special days that my son couldn't manage - crowded spaces at Easter at a local farm park, Hallowe'en trick and treating, and so on. They now have the most lovely relationship in their own right, built up over years, and she's more or less been adopted as an extra family member by all the playgroup worker's own family, including her fiance's! She''s been zooming with them all through this and they check in on her all the time. The playgroup worker's sister is a vet nurse and has horses, and they have been teaching DD to ride - she gets updates on how the pony is doing through all this. That's a positive way to address it. There needs to be thought and care, but over compensating by treating the NT child better isn't workable, either. Needs have to be balanced and the need for the children not to learn to hate one another is a pretty potent one, all in and of itself.