Excluding autistic children from wedding

[DancingHamster]

My ex-husband and I have three children together, two are autistic, one is not.

Last year my ex got married to his now wife in secret with no guests. Subsequently they decided they wanted a ‘big wedding’. Unfortunately for them said wedding was cancelled due to lockdown. The children were all very sad, they had been looking forward to their fathers wedding and they were excited to be included the wedding party with their smart new clothes. They had even been for new haircuts as the wedding was literally the day after gatherings were banned.

Ex-husband and his wife have now decided that their rescheduled ‘big wedding’ will take place abroad rather than in the UK. Fair enough, his wife is from another country and the wedding will now take place in that country. However, he has said that he will only take our neurotypical child with him leaving the other two behind. I completely understand him not wanting to take the autistic children abroad, they can be challenging at the best of times. But I don’t think it’s fair if he only takes one child to his wedding. The other two will be heartbroken and I’ll be left picking up the pieces.

My Mum thinks it’s a great opportunity for neurotypical child to spend time away from siblings and have 1:1 time with Dad, not to mention the experience of spending time in a different culture. While I don’t disagree that all those things would be wonderful for that child. I feel it’s very unfair on the other two. Especially as they were so disappointed the original wedding had to be cancelled.

If he wants to get married abroad and have none of his children there fair enough. But imo it’s all of them or none of them. AIBU?

My middle child is autistic and not able to attend MSschool. We travel a fair bit and I can see it’s challenging but not impossible. I absolutely wouldn’t allow one child to get to go “because they’re normal”.. What on Earth is he thinking?

Not all events might be suitable for all 3 children. That's fine.
But given he is their father, it would have seemed sensible to organise a party that actually was suitable for all 3 to attend - it is the fact he chose not to do this, when he could which suggests he isn't being inclusive.

I think it is fine for him generally to arrange different activities - some of which all 3 go to and some of which 1 or 2 go to. Families do that - different activities appeal to different children or suit different ages or needs and all children need some time on their own with their parents. However, their wedding party probably isn't the time to choose to do this.

So, I don't think it's necessarily the case that the autistic children should go to the party abroad - it might not be suitable for them or cause them distress etc etc, but the problem lies in the fact he chose to have an event that wasn't suitable for them, unless there is also another event that they can fully join in with too.

It's organised now, so unfortunately you will have to deal with it. It's a tricky one, given ex. However, I would point out to him that in future, when big family events are planned it would be good to choose things which are suitable for all 3 children - whilst also saying of course it's fine to do things with just 1 child, just not the really big family events that he himself organises. It might not go down well, but in reality, he probably has a sense of this himself, unless he is now moving very much towards the new family and the old one is only going to get a look in when it's convenient. Hopefully not.

Would your autistic children choose to go if they were asked?

If they would then I think your ex is completely out of order. If they wouldn't choose to go then I don't think it's so bad.

On reading this first I was totally disgusted as parent of an autistic child BUT it depends on your children - would they enjoy the party? My DD hates crowds and at weddings needs me with her at all times to keep her calm (and take her out for a bit of peace). This means for the last 15 years I've never been able to have a few drinks and really enjoy myself at family events (single parent). If I had another child that was NT that meant they missed out on experiences because of their sibling I would probably want them to go. So I think it depends on your DC, does your NT child miss out because of their siblings? Would he want to go without siblings? How do your autistic DC cope at parties? Who would keep an eye on them to check they are coping (I'm assuming the father will be busy and unable to give 1:1 attention)? I think the answer is a bit more nuanced as depends on your DC and only you will know how they will respond/feel. Although your ex does sounds like a complete twat.

Going against the grain here but they are getting married in his new wife country not just some beach holiday wedding and say you understand why they can't go .
Your NT child will have had there life greatly impacted by having 2 autistic siblings ( not a critsium just the way it is) think it would be great for them to be put first .

If you value your 3 children, you choose an event and location suitable for all 3 for a big event like your wedding.The fact he chose a location which isn't suitable for the 3 is the problem.

It isn't a problem to organise normal events that just 1 or 2 go to - everyone does that who has multiple children, based on age and need etc. But when it's a big event, it needs to work for all and the fact this doesn't and wasn't properly considered is the issue.

Yeah the NT does have caring responsibilities but TBH they are all pretty close and I’m not sure NT child would even enjoy being away from siblings and me with just his Dad for so long anyway.

I agree about it not being a wedding!

I’ve successfully taken all three children on holiday a number of times but it requires a lot of planning. The country in question would be too hot and not have the right food. He could probably use the money it would cost for one child’s flight for a small holiday for all of them together. And then everyone can enjoy themselves.

It's not just a fucking holiday it's a "big wedding" in another country lot of people have small quick weddings and have a larger one later on and it's still a special day. Dad is responsible for 3 children he can't just pick the easiest one for him to attend. Fucking joke especially since all 3 were invited to the cancelled one and have their clothes bought. No chance I'd allow it

Most things have been covered I think but if your xh has PR, would you actually be able to prevent him obtaining permission to take DC2?

That’s really shitty. He must have known that all three children were looking forward to the wedding. To then choose somewhere that would make it hard for 2/3 of his children to attend is horrible.

It’s a wedding celebration in his new wife’s home country, so that’s pretty understandable they’d choose to do something there.

I feel sorry for your NT child. In addition to caring responsibilities you mentioned, he has to miss out on a trip abroad because it would be too much for his siblings?
Kids who have a sibling with a disability or other special needs have a pretty rough time of it as understandably a lot of time and resources is focused on the sibling.

They deserve experiences they can enjoy as well. It’s not “the same treatment for everyone”, it’s considering each child’s needs and interests.

It’s a tricky one as to whether they would actually want to go or indeed enjoy it. If they were asked they would definitely say they wanted to go but they probably wouldn’t enjoy it.

They were upset at the original ‘wedding’ being cancelled though. And were also upset they didn’t go to the actual wedding. My eldest surprised us all by saying ‘He got married without his children’. It’s always very difficult to know what the eldest is thinking or feeling as they seldom express thoughts so easy to think that they are not aware or don’t care.

@AnneOfCloves How would you explain it to the two who weren’t invited?

As the mother of three children with autism and one without (now all adult) I felt that so much of our time, energy and attention was given to the three, that every now and again it was good to give the other child a really special treat or opportunity such as this. One to one time was sadly much rarer than it should have been and so in my particular circumstances I would agree to it. However the other three would not have been upset by it at all, as children change was unsettling and not something to be enjoyed, and as adults they agree that the other child deserved thanks for so often having to take second place to medical appointments, therapy sessions and school meeting. So that would have been my decision and I would not have felt bad about it at all.

There is a difference between the autistic child/ their carer deciding to decline the invitation with consideration because they would struggle with the logistics, and their parent unilaterally excluding them without consulation and just inviting the NT child.

I have two autistic kids and one normal kid .
If this were me I would go with all the kids and treat it as a holiday with their dads wedding thrown in their too .

I don’t think there is much that NT child misses out on generally as a result of siblings. We are always very careful to try ensure he doesn’t even if that means my husband and I spending less time together.

That is fucking deplorable.

What person would get married without their children there?! You are not unreasonable at all, OP.

It's a shame for all three of them, mostly that their Dad is such a prig! Perhaps a lesson in solidarity.

There will be many times in their lives where the two with additional needs will be overlooked in favour of the NT child. This should not be one of them.

Their sibling's feelings come ahead of their Father and future step-mother's wants of a 'lovely, easy wedding'. Sorry that he's left you with this, there is no other description for it than utterly shit.

Hope your kids are OK.

He’s discriminating against his own disabled children. What an absolute cunt. No, one shouldn’t go without the rest.

Your NT child will have had there life greatly impacted by having 2 autistic siblings ( not a critsium just the way it is) think it would be great for them to be put first. well similar statements could be said of any of them couldn’t it?

Some of our friends have a daughter who has Downs. Since she was 12 or something like that they have only had family parties on the weekends when she is with her support family. They arrange for her to go to the support family if they are invited to a big party. She just cannot cope with parties and needs so much supervision, that someone is bound to get the party destroyed for them if she is there.

When she still attended parties, I did not feel I was attending a party as I had to spend all my time with my kids to ensure she didn't harm them. She would shove other kids very hard, so they landed a couple of meters away, spit, throw toys at other kids, pull other kids down from tall play equipment and hoard toys and candy.

I agree with your mum, that it would probably be nice for your NT child to spend some time with your ex without the siblings, but a wedding is not a good occasion. It could be a weekend away instead.

I think that none of the children should go under the circumstances. It might be a little different if the NT child were the oldest, and it could be presented as an age-based decision. But as it, it will look like favouritism and discrimination, especially as he doesn't arrange 1:1 occasions with the other two. Could be very hurtful. I am sorry that your Mum is not supporting you, but I think you should stand your ground on this. Also, just from a practical point of view, it may be some time before international travel is back to normal (I would expect that to be one of the last things to return completely to normal) and I would be worried about arranging a trip for a child under the circumstances. Perhaps your Mum and your ex would accept this practical concern, more readily than other concerns?

I would rather not travel halfway around the world for a holiday with my ex 😂

It’s his fathers wedding, a family occasion. To me all or none of his children should be there.I’d be more than pissed that he (and new wife) get to show off the “normal one”. And you are expected to manage all three most of the time when he gets to pick his favourite. I know it’s hard with as children (my eldest Is) and you often feel like the nt kids miss out, but you never play favourites. And why have they changed the venue? Because I’m a suspicious cynical cow, I’d think it was so they have an excuse to just have favourite child. And I’d let him explain to the kids why they can’t come. Don’t let him palm the task on you.

Only an absolute asshole gets married without their children (I'm waving at you there dad) He should have planned something they could all attend. If he wants 1:1 time with each child he can do that separately.

I can't imagine you middle one wanting to go to something significant that excluded their siblings.