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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluding autistic children from wedding

248 replies

DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 16:38

My ex-husband and I have three children together, two are autistic, one is not.

Last year my ex got married to his now wife in secret with no guests. Subsequently they decided they wanted a ‘big wedding’. Unfortunately for them said wedding was cancelled due to lockdown. The children were all very sad, they had been looking forward to their fathers wedding and they were excited to be included the wedding party with their smart new clothes. They had even been for new haircuts as the wedding was literally the day after gatherings were banned.

Ex-husband and his wife have now decided that their rescheduled ‘big wedding’ will take place abroad rather than in the UK. Fair enough, his wife is from another country and the wedding will now take place in that country. However, he has said that he will only take our neurotypical child with him leaving the other two behind. I completely understand him not wanting to take the autistic children abroad, they can be challenging at the best of times. But I don’t think it’s fair if he only takes one child to his wedding. The other two will be heartbroken and I’ll be left picking up the pieces.

My Mum thinks it’s a great opportunity for neurotypical child to spend time away from siblings and have 1:1 time with Dad, not to mention the experience of spending time in a different culture. While I don’t disagree that all those things would be wonderful for that child. I feel it’s very unfair on the other two. Especially as they were so disappointed the original wedding had to be cancelled.

If he wants to get married abroad and have none of his children there fair enough. But imo it’s all of them or none of them. AIBU?

OP posts:
Barbararara · 19/04/2020 19:23

*sorry, that should have read your ds not dd

MrsP2015 · 19/04/2020 19:24

What an awful situation.

Does middle child know he's potentially included and the others aren't?

I don't think I'd allow any to go. Ex obviously has no intention of 'looking after' the eldest/ youngest so chances are middle would be left on a phone by WiFi somewhere (unless other family members he's close to there).

The impact on the eldest and youngest would probably cause issues between them all- even middle child may feel guilty.

I think the eldest and youngest would really struggle without you there as dad sounds useless / uncaring to their needs and this could give them long term effects.

If ex has already had a wedding and excluded all the children, his best interests are not about them or their well being. I actually doubt he will want to take any of them so he can act like he has no children like he does 28 days of every month.

Has he got children with her or has she got any? If yes that makes him even worse.. if that's possible.

9caratyellowgold · 19/04/2020 19:24

I think the suggestion further up of the two older children attending and leaving the younger one at home is worth considering.

Gwynfluff · 19/04/2020 19:24

He’s their Dad and hasn’t chosen a wedding ceremony they can all attend. Sorry, that’s shitty. It just is. It’s not a stranger or relative at a remove deciding what special day they want, it’s their Dad. He should have set the tone here. He should have made it clear they were all important to him and worthy of attending.

BeingLonely · 19/04/2020 19:28

As the mother is an asd child I would be utterly furious. How dare he do this. All of your children deserve equal love and attention

perfectstorm · 19/04/2020 19:29

Agree with @Barbararara.

Golden children are not necessarily any more favoured, in reality. One of the reasons my brother posed a threat to me in teenage years was our father's brutally, and constantly, telling him how worthless he was that his younger sister was doing so much better. My parents are divorced, so at home my brother was getting all the attention and money for things like music, tennis and skating lessons, while I was sitting alongside and watching, unable to join in for financial reasons, and at our father's I was golden child. Neither situation was workable or tenable.

I try enormously hard to balance the needs of my utterly different children. I'm sure I'm fucking up in a myriad of ways that they will eventually tell me all about, but at least they do absolutely and openly adore one another. Which to my mind is what matters most of all.

If something threatens that, then it's a huge canary in the coal mine that things are out of kilter and need addressing. This would be one such issue. I'm sure the NT child does need more attention and focus, but none of the kids can get their needs met by throwing the other(s) under the bus, because as soon as you do that, you fail a very fundamental need: to have sibling relationships that are not toxic.

byebyebeautiful · 19/04/2020 19:30

I love how this is definitely not a troll thread. Good work MNHQ 👍

OhCaptain · 19/04/2020 19:32

@perfectstorm that sounds lovely but I do hope you spend time with your NT child, too!

perfectstorm · 19/04/2020 19:37

@OhCaptain no, I lock her in the cupboard under the stairs and feed her gruel.

Viviennemary · 19/04/2020 19:42

I agree with what Triangle has said. On this occasion it might be the best option.

sutchie · 19/04/2020 19:44

I think it should be all of your children or none go to the wedding, and probably none given the attitude of your ex husband.

lmcneil003 · 19/04/2020 19:56

The decision is your OH's, not yours.
Accept it

Brogley · 19/04/2020 20:07

The decision is your OH's, not yours. Accept it

Its not his decision, he is not parenting in isolation - or very much at all, from the sounds of it. The children have two parents and OP has main care. It is up to him who he invites to this wedding but OP is under no obligation to accept the invitation for the child, she is however obliged to advocate for her children especially when he is deliberately excluding two of them.

Original poster
DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 20:08

@byebyebeautiful not sure what you mean?

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 19/04/2020 20:11

None of my children when they were 6 would have enjoyed a wedding. I think the eldest two could go - but it massively depends on the level of understanding of your eldest and how much his brother could look after him.

I grew up with a disabled elder sibling and although I was only 6 when he died I could go and tell my parents that he was unhappy or choking for example.
I would have been bloody annoyed if I didn't get to go on a trip though just because he couldn't go as well.

Original poster
DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 20:16

It’s very difficult. I’ve been following the thread about Young Carers with interest, and I’ve read threads before about growing up as NT sibling. It’s a fine balancing act and I do always try to do what’s best each child buts obviously that’s not easy when the children all have conflicting needs. I know it’s hard for NT child but equally I do think he has so many more advantages in life.

It would be the trip of a lifetime for him, but equally how am I supposed to tell the other two that Daddy doesn’t want to take them? Especially as they previously had roles in the wedding.

Could probably say the youngest is too young as that is often case but can’t say that to the eldest. Potentially could put the eldest off by pointing out all the things he would hate about the trip. But then I swing back to thinking why should I?

OP posts:
SunShine682 · 19/04/2020 20:17

@lmcneil003 - the decision isn’t just her EX, what a stupid thing to say.

SunShine682 · 19/04/2020 20:19

@DancingHamster - you shouldn’t have to! They are ALL his children, this isn’t some random day out that he just wants to take his NT child on as it’s easier.

It’s meant to be his wedding. All children should be included and he should want to include them.. if that means he has to rope in other people to help then so be it.

You can’t just pick which of your 3 children you take to a wedding.

B0bbin · 19/04/2020 20:20

I think this is disgraceful behaviour on ex's part

SD1978 · 19/04/2020 20:21

You're not being unreasonable- however would you trust with with the 2 with SEN in a foreign country? If he's said he'll take them all, would you be worried that the eldest and youngest would be overwhelmed, with minimal family to support them if that happened? What does NT child want to do? Although it's a big ask, asking him to choose.

Tomoveornotomove2 · 19/04/2020 20:22

A- he’s a complete bellend
B- I’d say no :) that he takes all of them or none of them.

It’s not about 1on1 time it’s about him wanting to present a perfect family.

I know mumsnet will say “oh you can’t keep them from there dad” , but .. this isn’t fair to the other two.

They will understand this and it will cause weeks of upset!

Noconceptofnormal · 19/04/2020 20:24

No no no no. And I say that as someone who was the NT one growing up with an ASD sibling.

This is not about the NT sibling missing out, this is about their disgrace of a father creating a situation where he is only inviting one child to his wedding, it is just disgusting.

I get that his fiance is from another country. But it should be non negotiable to him that a way is found for all of his children (his children ffs) to be able to attend his wedding (well party, really), even if that involves flying you out with them at no cost to you and paying for everything whilst you're there. If that is not possible, then no wedding.

If he won't do that I think the best thing is to downplay the whole thing, just say they're already married and their step mum has just decided to have a party with her friends from country X - it's not really a wedding anyway.

Then just tell your ex to be diplomatic about it, don't be flashing photos etc at them or talk about it,just do it and be low key.

ManualFlusherSnot · 19/04/2020 20:25

What a dick! I’m glad you’re not still with him! He has 3 children, so he either takes 3 children, or no children at all! What a plank he must be to not know this!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/04/2020 20:26

Could probably say the youngest is too young ... but can’t say that to the eldest. Potentially could put the eldest off by pointing out all the things he would hate about the trip. But then I swing back to thinking why should I?

We all agree that it's sad to leave DCs out, but since you said yourself they probably wouldn't enjoy it, would it help to think of it as keeping them home for their sakes?

I'm just wondering if there's something special you could promise them instead of going - something else they'd really look forward to?

CCaK · 19/04/2020 20:38

I think none of them go, and he takes them on a special wedding celebration holiday, in view of what you said about flights.

It sounds like logistically and safety wise the 2 SEN children simply can't go. Unless a specific adult carer was assigned to each of them full time.

It just wouldn't work.

But at the same time I'd feel bad for the NT child not being able to go.