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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Excluding autistic children from wedding

248 replies

DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 16:38

My ex-husband and I have three children together, two are autistic, one is not.

Last year my ex got married to his now wife in secret with no guests. Subsequently they decided they wanted a ‘big wedding’. Unfortunately for them said wedding was cancelled due to lockdown. The children were all very sad, they had been looking forward to their fathers wedding and they were excited to be included the wedding party with their smart new clothes. They had even been for new haircuts as the wedding was literally the day after gatherings were banned.

Ex-husband and his wife have now decided that their rescheduled ‘big wedding’ will take place abroad rather than in the UK. Fair enough, his wife is from another country and the wedding will now take place in that country. However, he has said that he will only take our neurotypical child with him leaving the other two behind. I completely understand him not wanting to take the autistic children abroad, they can be challenging at the best of times. But I don’t think it’s fair if he only takes one child to his wedding. The other two will be heartbroken and I’ll be left picking up the pieces.

My Mum thinks it’s a great opportunity for neurotypical child to spend time away from siblings and have 1:1 time with Dad, not to mention the experience of spending time in a different culture. While I don’t disagree that all those things would be wonderful for that child. I feel it’s very unfair on the other two. Especially as they were so disappointed the original wedding had to be cancelled.

If he wants to get married abroad and have none of his children there fair enough. But imo it’s all of them or none of them. AIBU?

OP posts:

5zeds · 19/04/2020 18:02

@Fimofriend OP hasn’t described her children as having those sorts of difficulties.

Original poster

DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 18:04

I think when you have a child with SN you learn new ways of living, new ways of having fun which include your child. As a family unit (my husband, myself, and the three children) we always have a great time together. Requires a little more planning and a little adjustment sometimes, and maybe lowered expectations but there are ways of making all activities fun and inclusive.

OP posts:

TriangleBingoBongo · 19/04/2020 18:04

My DSS has similar difficulties to those FimoFriend describes. Sounds like OP’s children are higher functioning and have a better understanding and awareness. Have you spoken to your ex OP?

TriangleBingoBongo · 19/04/2020 18:08

I think when you have a child with SN you learn new ways of living, new ways of having fun which include your child.

Absolutely, but I do also think it’s important for NT to have their time too. I think our children are very different from yours in that my DSS is developmentally delayed too. His size and strength means he often hurts other children and so we struggle to partake in activities where there’s other children in the mix now. DS enjoys to play and I think it’s important he has the opportunity to form friendships and play with children his own age so DH and I spend time separately with the children to facilitate this. Autism is a spectrum after all and presents in many different ways, in our case also coupled with other diagnoses and disorders.

It sounds like your children are better adjusted (for want of a better phrase) and it’s great that you’re able to cater for all of them.

chocatoo · 19/04/2020 18:08

I too feel a little sorry for your NT child.

hyacinthbouquetsbucket · 19/04/2020 18:08

I think he's being unreasonable because it's an event to celebrate a wedding. He's not going to have time for the children though is he? Maybe none of them should go.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 19/04/2020 18:10

What an awful situation - I don't think there's a right answer here unfortunately, just two wrong ones.
I do think it's unfair for NT child to miss out, and if it was just a holiday I'd agree they would benefit from going. I'd also hope they wouldn't resent their siblings for it - it sounds like they've had to show a lot adult behaviour already and they sound amazing, really!
If your two SN DC were not likely to be aware of the situation, or they didn't want to go, then again I would also say the NT sibling should go alone.
But that doesn't sound like the case, especially with what your poor eldest has already said.
If middle DC goes alone, the other two will always know that they weren't allowed to go to their Dad's wedding, because they weren't "normal" enough - I can't imagine how much that would hurt. (Even though it's not really a wedding, just a party abroad in a way, it's been sold to the DC as a wedding and its the only part of it they will be allowed to share with their father).

So all in all, I'd be saying that none of the DC can go, unfortunately. If possible, it might be better if they don't know that it was ever an option for middle DC to go - otherwise you risk the NT child feeling resentful, and the other two hurt.
You really have been left in a shit situation - what an arse!

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 19/04/2020 18:11

Not a chance! I'd be having a SERIOUS word with him.
Hope you have NT's passport.

Potterspotter · 19/04/2020 18:11

I don’t enjoy weddings, family gatherings or parties but I can still recognise them as an important moment to attend and want to be there - exactly like your ND children, op.

Original poster

DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 18:15

I’ve not spoken to him yet about it as I prefer to plan all my communication with him really carefully. I also think there is a possibility when he sees the cost of flights he won’t take NT child either as he doesn’t like spending money. So I didn’t want to create an issue if it’s a non-starter.

It’s difficult to describe my children’s level of functioning without it potentially being too outing. Their behaviour doesn’t generally impact other people, for example other guests. One aspect of behaviour which would be of major concern in a foreign country is that they have a tendency to abscond from situations that make them uncomfortable. Usually if we go out you need at least one adult per autistic child as a minimum it’s easier when we have three adults. So yeah it would be very difficult for them to attend a wedding abroad logistically. Which is why I think he should get married in the UK where all his children can attend.

OP posts:

user765 · 19/04/2020 18:16

I can see both sides, assuming the children with Autism are not highly functioning? If they were my children, however, I could not invite one but not the others! How awful to exclude them from a family event of this kind.

It’s sad because if your ex-husband does decide to not invite two of his children, he will have to live with that decision for the rest of his life and accept the consequences of that decision. Your children will most likely never forget this decision and it may cause resentment when they are older.

Genevieva · 19/04/2020 18:17

Would he compromise on taking the older two children and leaving the six. year old with you?

Original poster

DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 18:18

None of them have passports, they are all expired.

OP posts:

ChicCroissant · 19/04/2020 18:18

While I can see your mother's point, their father's wedding is not the time or place to implement it IMO! There may be another, more appropriate time for him to spend with one child at a time, but that isn't it.

However - I have to agree with the PP that have mentioned your middle child missing out because of their siblings. A very tricky situation all round, and one that's hard to get a win out of tbh - sorry, OP

TriangleBingoBongo · 19/04/2020 18:18

Have plans all come from your children, as in what they’ve been told? Sounds like if nothing else he’s totally disorganised and prone to empty promises.

Supersimkin2 · 19/04/2020 18:19

NT DC only goes, as long as DF takes the other two only on a break to spend time with him and his new wife.

Your ex is discriminating against his own disabled DC. But that doesn't mean the NT child gets the shitty end of the stick as well - his life is hard enough.

GrumpyHoonMain · 19/04/2020 18:20

Ok so lets turn this around. How much is your NT child able to vocalise his needs and wants with two high needs siblings? Does he get any special time with you or ex? I bet he isn’t able to right? This trip may help him so let him go if he wants to

Original poster

DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 18:22

It would be much easier if the NT child was eldest. The eldest sometimes gets upset that their younger sibling is more able than they are. For example walking to the bus stop, eldest child always gets lost.

OP posts:

JaggySplinter · 19/04/2020 18:25

Yanbu. They are all his children and he should make plans that include them all. If that means adjusting his wedding planning to accommodate his children with ASD then he needs to do that.

Supersimkin2 · 19/04/2020 18:27

OP, that's only going to get worse. Long term the way to deal with it is not restraining a NT child from fulfilling his potential.

You've been put in a filthy position by ex.

GrumpyHoonMain · 19/04/2020 18:29

The eldest sometimes gets upset that their younger sibling is more able than they are.

That won’t improve. You can’t deal with that by restraining the NT child.

londonrach · 19/04/2020 18:33

Op..theres no simple answer to this..your nt child needs time away from siblings and if oldest can total understand decision of ex re this. The answer re excluding depends how bad autism. Theres no simple answer...only you know the children involved here....

SweetSouberry · 19/04/2020 18:35

My worry would be if you attempted to stop the 12 year old going to his father’s wedding would he resent his siblings and ultimately you?
As shit as it is I think he has to go.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 19/04/2020 18:35

Would the children cope without you OP?If they rely soley on you for every kind of support then I would suggest they stay with you and let your middle child go. I think one on one time to experience something different and unusual will be beneficial and theres no arguing its unfair to all your children and of course it should be all kids or no kids at all. Its such a difficult dilemma,I mean whos to say your middle child will get the time they deserve and care they need whilst the wedding is going on too..they are busy affairs...I dont know what to suggest ..maybe a week away with all three when they get back to the uk and things return to normal would be better suited to all the children? I am sorry this has landed on your lap its an awful unfair situation to throw at you...However you know your children best and I am sure any decision you make will be in all their best interests ..make the decision and dont be hard on yourself whatever you decide.

londonrach · 19/04/2020 18:36

Another one feeling sorry for nt child too as seen sadly the effect it has on them re siblings.

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