Excluding autistic children from wedding

[DancingHamster]

My ex-husband and I have three children together, two are autistic, one is not.

Last year my ex got married to his now wife in secret with no guests. Subsequently they decided they wanted a ‘big wedding’. Unfortunately for them said wedding was cancelled due to lockdown. The children were all very sad, they had been looking forward to their fathers wedding and they were excited to be included the wedding party with their smart new clothes. They had even been for new haircuts as the wedding was literally the day after gatherings were banned.

Ex-husband and his wife have now decided that their rescheduled ‘big wedding’ will take place abroad rather than in the UK. Fair enough, his wife is from another country and the wedding will now take place in that country. However, he has said that he will only take our neurotypical child with him leaving the other two behind. I completely understand him not wanting to take the autistic children abroad, they can be challenging at the best of times. But I don’t think it’s fair if he only takes one child to his wedding. The other two will be heartbroken and I’ll be left picking up the pieces.

My Mum thinks it’s a great opportunity for neurotypical child to spend time away from siblings and have 1:1 time with Dad, not to mention the experience of spending time in a different culture. While I don’t disagree that all those things would be wonderful for that child. I feel it’s very unfair on the other two. Especially as they were so disappointed the original wedding had to be cancelled.

If he wants to get married abroad and have none of his children there fair enough. But imo it’s all of them or none of them. AIBU?

Just to clear a few things up my children are acutely aware of their differences and limitations. I don’t always expect to treat them equally and in fact I more often treat them differently. The main area my NT child misses out on is inviting friends over as that’s very difficult with the youngest in the house. Sometimes we send the youngest to Grandparents to accommodate him being able to have friends over. The two older children are close in age (13 and 12) and actually they get along very well and choose to spend much of their time together.

Their step-mum is lovely and works with children, I trust her to look after the children more than my ex. Since they got together the quality of contact improved, I don’t know whether this is because he was just trying to impress her or because she wants them to be more involved with the children. They don’t have any of their own.

I never use my children’s disabilities as excuse to let them get away with poor behaviour. They are not generally violent but on occasions when things have got physical I let them know it’s never ok and give them an appropriate consequence.

And yes, of course my children were a big part of my wedding! It was a very child friendly wedding with everyone’s needs catered for. Didn’t manage to get any photos of eldest because he declined (he is very reclusive) but that’s ok.

Sorry to go OT OP.

You sound like a fantastic parent and I’m sorry your exh has put you in this position!

Mother of a autistic child and an NT child here ... NO WAY would anyone in my family be allowed to divide my kids like that.

Equal, or not at all. And thankfully my NT child would feel that way too.

Would the autistic children cope and enjoy it
Would it be too much?

For me it's not about that, it's about being considered, being treated as equal. My asd dd (11) would probably not like a wedding, but there is NO way I would send my other dd (17) when the 11yr didn't even have a choice as to attend, which is what is happening here.

Their father is taking their choice away, and in my experience, choice is VERY important for most people, but especially those with autism.

I think that is more important than whether they would enjoy it, they are not even being given a chance to try, just being left behind like he doesn't care about them.

If all of your dc were to go to the party in the uk, who was going to be caring for them if it became too much ? Were you expected to collect dc ? It's not right that they're being separated like that. How bad your nt dc reacted to this ?

It's nothing to do with presentable but what the children can cope with

The children could have coped with the original plan, so he changed it to something that they can’t cope with.

It seems far more likely that DH doesn’t want the “embarrassment” of having to introduce his ND children to all of his in-laws overseas, and would rather pretend they don’t exist. Despicable.

I get that you want to be fair to them but realistically how would your dh cope with all of them given that he would he occupied at his own wedding. Their care needs sound very high and wouldnt it be more stressful for them?
I agree with your mum here. Send the NT one. I dont know if you can disagree anyway, if your ex wants your ds and he wants to go then theres not much you can do.

People have said quite rightly that the middle child is potentially missing out because of his knob of a father but the fact remains he will be missing out and potentially blaming his siblings and the OP because of it.
He needs to go to the wedding in my opinion, or he needs at the very least, to be asked if he wants to go. “Dad and SM want you at the wedding. Do you want to go?” They might ask about siblings if they do. “No they’re not invited.” Any more questions refer them to Dad and SM. You are likely to be blamed by your child if you don’t facilitate this if they want to go, fair or not.

That's quite a projection Christmas. Typical.

You conveniently glazed over the destination being the new wife's home country. So he didnt set out to pick some random place just for fun.
Did you speak to the op ex to know that he doesnt want the new relatives to know about the kids?
Why was he ok with them all being there until they had to change plans?

Sweetsouberry , I would probably do it like you, tell the 12 year old “Dad and SM want you at the wedding. Do you want to go?” also adding "but you need to know that you will be on your own as your siblings are not invited and Mum won't be able to come with you either". Because this is your ex's plan and it is his job to answer the questions his children might want to ask him re. this party/wedding/event to which one is invited, and the other two aren't (for whatever reason).

Let the children know and take it from there. One step at a time.

so op lets her nt child go the others find out he wa sinvited and they werent

how the hell doyou explain that

how the hell doyou explain that it’s fairly apparent that many people posting think the disabled children don’t feel anything. . They are just supposed to be fine with their Dad doing this to them. the NT child is supposed to participate in the exclusion. It’s so horrid.

it’s fairly apparent that many people posting think the disabled children don’t feel anything

I don't think that's true. I think many posters are trying to find the line between reasonable/appropriate adjustments so that everyone is involved and the NT child being made to either subjugate any desire for trips/activities/etc that his siblings can't do or just being flat out told he can't do/go/etc. I think some people are (probably justifiably) concerned about the NT child potentially starting to resent his ND siblings.

I think everyone is in agreement that at best the dad has handled this badly or more likely has been a complete arse and an utterly appalling father.

It isn’t really about it being “a trip” though it’s his wedding party , even if it was just a holiday to Disneyland it would be very unkind. I know many people don’t have this dynamic in their family but imagine telling two of your children Dad hasn’t invited you. Imagine if your Dad did that to you and the reason was who you are. if they weren’t disabled people would rightly expect it to cause psychological distress. Why do you think that won’t be the case for these children ?

Why do you think that won’t be the case for these children ?

I don't, but I also know that it can be very damaging for an NT child to have their opportunities dictated or curtailed (situation depending) by disability within the family - it's why balancing the impacts on each side can be so hard to manage.

You're right, this particular instance isn't 'just' a trip...it's a completely shitty situation that the dad has managed to create either deliberately or via a lack of thought. That's the very reason the answer is potentially complex; OP could easily become the bad guy and the siblings the target of resentment, the dad could become the bad guy and the relationship with his middle child is damaged severely or the NT child could swallow their feelings and then have issues later on in life if that is/becomes a habit - no easy answers (which is why I haven't attempted one for the OP, I haven't a clue what the best route is!).

Wow this is dreadful, I think it's the worst wedding thread I have ever read. What sort of example is this setting to your children, that's it's ok to discriminate against people because they have a disability? I can almost understand a random distant relative who knows nothing about autism doing this, but their own father?? If there are issues about the kids not coping then when why hasn't he planned the wedding in a way that includes them?

Let your neurotypical child go. That child probably misses out on many opportunities that other kids get because of the disabilities of his or her siblings.

'Let your neurotypical child go. That child probably misses out on many opportunities that other kids get because of the disabilities of his or her siblings.'

If it were just a holiday, I might agree (and arrange some alternative treat for the siblings). But it isn't just a holiday. It's their father's wedding. Doing it in this way is not just giving the NT child a holiday/ experience/ event that his siblings might not be able to share. It's the father implying that he prefers the NT child, or considers him more a member of the family, than the others. This is apart from the fact that international travel may still be impossible, complicated, or liable to disruption at the time. I am not sure that I'd be happy about even a NT 12-year-old having to cope with some form of major disruption while in the care of someone who gives the impression of less than maximal sense of responsibility and of being more preoccupied with his wedding than with his kids.

The big thing I would say is that whatever happens their father needs to tell them what he is doing and why not leave it all to you to pass on and deal with.

Any updates on this?
Hope your kids are all ok.

It should be either all or none. Not fair to exclude the two kids.

I would let the NT child go. You may not like to admit to yourself how much having two siblings with quite severe SEN actually impacts him, but considering they take part in Young Carers, the situation must be difficult. Why should he have to miss out on things because another sibling wouldn’t cope with it? You’re putting your autistic children’s feelings above your NT child’s feelings.

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer as someone will be hurt, however, the main thing is to remember why this is happening. If your other two were able to travel and cope with this wedding, then they also would have been invited. It’s also not just a random place, it’s his new wives home country so it’s fair enough that they would like to celebrate there too.

Yeah it’s fine to exclude two of your children from your wedding because of their disability. The main thing to think about is how their existence in this world has been so negative to their brother.. Really important to make him complicit in the exclusion because he needs to add as much fuel as possible to the idea that he is living a shit life because of them and the brief times he gets away from them are when he can be his real best self.

Many of the people posting seem to have little or no idea about the realities of living within a family where not everybody is able. Build the man you want your children to be. Lay a foundation that they can be happy to grow from. Does this contribute in any way to a happy family going forward?