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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Excluding autistic children from wedding

248 replies

DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 16:38

My ex-husband and I have three children together, two are autistic, one is not.

Last year my ex got married to his now wife in secret with no guests. Subsequently they decided they wanted a ‘big wedding’. Unfortunately for them said wedding was cancelled due to lockdown. The children were all very sad, they had been looking forward to their fathers wedding and they were excited to be included the wedding party with their smart new clothes. They had even been for new haircuts as the wedding was literally the day after gatherings were banned.

Ex-husband and his wife have now decided that their rescheduled ‘big wedding’ will take place abroad rather than in the UK. Fair enough, his wife is from another country and the wedding will now take place in that country. However, he has said that he will only take our neurotypical child with him leaving the other two behind. I completely understand him not wanting to take the autistic children abroad, they can be challenging at the best of times. But I don’t think it’s fair if he only takes one child to his wedding. The other two will be heartbroken and I’ll be left picking up the pieces.

My Mum thinks it’s a great opportunity for neurotypical child to spend time away from siblings and have 1:1 time with Dad, not to mention the experience of spending time in a different culture. While I don’t disagree that all those things would be wonderful for that child. I feel it’s very unfair on the other two. Especially as they were so disappointed the original wedding had to be cancelled.

If he wants to get married abroad and have none of his children there fair enough. But imo it’s all of them or none of them. AIBU?

OP posts:

RagamuffinAndFidget · 19/04/2020 17:09

Yeah that would be a no from me. He can't pick and choose which of the children he wants to parent, additional needs or not.

cansu · 19/04/2020 17:10

This depends on the children's level of awareness. My children have autism and would not know or care about attending a wedding. I wouldn't expect them to cope and so I wouldn't take them. If your children would understand and would be upset then no it is not appropriate to exclude them. I think what you said about contact more generally is key here. The fact that your ex is less interested in contact with his autistic children is very much not OK.

bluebeck · 19/04/2020 17:10

Who would look after the DC whilst XH was preparing for the party? It's not a wedding, they are already married. XPIL?

If you think either of your autistic children would be fine in that situation then maybe you can discuss with XH? I am wondering if he/his wife think that by inviting the other DC they would be saddling themselves with you too OP? If you think they would be alright without you then suggest it.

If it doesn't work out, I might let the 12 year old go, but would be making it very clear to everyone that it was a holiday, not a wedding.

FallonSwift · 19/04/2020 17:11

No - he's their Dad and he of all people shouldn't be discriminating against them at what is supposed to be a family occasion. What kind of message does it send - that they only qualify as his children when it suits him?

I have to say that if I was invited to be a guest at a wedding where the groom had deliberately excluded two of his children for not being NT, then I'd be declining to attend on the basis that I don't like disablist arseholes.

Brogley · 19/04/2020 17:12

My oldest DS (autistic, developmentally delayed) didn't go to my brother's wedding because he didn't want to go and I knew that forcing him to go would result in him acting up to try and force us to leave as that's how his reasoning works. My younger DS, also autistic, did go because he wanted to go and was excited about it. We kept a close eye and took it in turns to take him out for some quiet time as and when needed.

As your autistic DC have expressed that they want to go it's unfair to not give them to opportunity to do so.

Tonz · 19/04/2020 17:12

Mum of 3 with 2 autistic children here. Not a fucking chance would I allow this. I get that grandparents aunties and uncles might struggle with the 3 of them but this is their father he should have all of his children at his wedding or none at all. Like @FudgeBrownie2019 said you are ure children's biggest advocate you know it's not right. Sadly so should dad

RandomMess · 19/04/2020 17:13

If it does go ahead I would insist (well as much as you can) he has the other two one at a time as well for a "special weekend" each.

He's not being a great Dad is he

Yesmate · 19/04/2020 17:13

Nope. You don’t need to pick up the pieces you need to put your foot down. He treats them all the same and takes them all or none.
1:1 time is lovely and experiencing other cultures is great, that’s not why he does want to take the children with autism.
Would your NT child even want to go knowing his Dad doesn’t want the other two there?

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 19/04/2020 17:14

What is unfair is that your exH is choosing a venue where his kids cannot attend. Being excluded for a wedding after invitation is dreadful, on that basis I would say none goes as they are all his children and should be treated equally when it comes to special events.

If this was a holiday and the only one knowing the details was your neurotypical child, I would say yes though.

Potterspotter · 19/04/2020 17:14

It’s totally dreadful. If he wants 1:1 time with another kid, plan something else not your wedding ffs. Awful, awful, awful. Cannot imagine doing this.

bumblebeefairy · 19/04/2020 17:15

Dear goodness, that is awful. I think either they all go or none of them go. Yes it might be unfair that your son who is neurotypical may not then be going either. Its unfair on him also though to be put in a position where his siblings may well resent him.

SunShine682 · 19/04/2020 17:15

OP I would be fuming.

I have one NT child & one with severe autism. He can’t just ditch his autistic children because it’s harder work for him. He needs to put plans in place so ALL 3 children can go. He is there dad and a asshole for even suggesting it.

I even read this post to my partner (both our children’s dad) and he even said it was wrong.

StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 17:16

I can see why you are not together. He is treating his kids divisively. It doesn’t matter if your autistic kids are aware or not, you include them. I’d make a fuss of this and stick up for your kids so at least all of your kids can see that there is a right and moral way - yours not his unfortunately.

Potterspotter · 19/04/2020 17:18

I’m not against doing different things for different kids and 1:1 time but not at an important family occasion that’s just second class citizen stuff.

ScarfLadysBag · 19/04/2020 17:18

I can sort of see the other side of this. A lot of time NT children do get the thin end of the wedge in terms of attention and time spent on them when there are SEN children in the family. That's obviously not anyone's fault, it's just the way things are, so I do get the argument that it's a chance for the NT child to have some time doing something and having an experience that is more tailored to them.

But it shouldn't be at the expense of upsetting the other children. You'll know whether your children will be upset at missing out and whether they would enjoy the trip, and I imagine some of it is because your ex-husband wants a more relaxing time as opposed to being entirely altruistic on behalf of your NT child.

ScarfLadysBag · 19/04/2020 17:19

Oh I misread and didn't read that it was his wedding. I thought it was a family wedding. He is being totally UR

Honeyroar · 19/04/2020 17:20

I think that they should’ve had the celebration somewhere easy for all his closest relatives (his three children) to get to/cope with. I can understand that it’s going to be difficult to look after three children and get married, but they CHOSE the venue!

handslikecowstits · 19/04/2020 17:21

Sounds like he has chosen this destination wedding deliberately so the autistic two won't come.

How on earth is/was he going to tell them that only NT sibling is going to the wedding? Or was he expecting you OP to do his dirty work for him?!

YANBU all or none.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2020 17:22

It sounds as if your autistic dcs are high functioning and would be immensely upset. I can imagine you must be incredibly angry. I also understand on the flip side why you think your NT child would benefit from the time alone. I think there is no wrong and right answer.

One thing I don’t think should be brought into the equation is the time your NT child gets through young carers schemes. These are mental health breaks.

At 12, perhaps should they have some kind of say in this process? It’s a difficult age. My dd is almost 12 and I think it’s important to start to make adult decisions.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/04/2020 17:22

It’s not a wedding but a holiday with a party given they are already married.

As you mention young carers, presumably the child invited has caring responsibilities. If that’s the case, I would likely let them go for the one to one time.

bluebeck · 19/04/2020 17:23

IT'S NOT A BLOODY WEDDING!!! THEY ARE ALREADY MARRIED AND IT'S JUST A HOLIDAY!!!!

Oh that feels better. As you were.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/04/2020 17:23

God no!!! That’s heartbreaking for your other children- you don’t pick which children look best in a wedding photo and if that’s his and his new wife’s attitudes they can get stuffed

MillicentMartha · 19/04/2020 17:23

Mum of 3 DSes with one autistic DS2. My exH can be a bit like your ex. All 3 boys did go to his wedding, however. Now that DS2 is nominally an adult, he’s been dropped from lots of activities with his dad. The excuse is he’s no longer required to see his adult DS according to the divorce settlement, so he just picks and chooses.

DS2 no longer gets taken on holiday etc. TBF, DS1 doesn’t either. The difference is that DS1 and DS3 will go on holiday with their friends, their partners and eventually their own families. DS2 will only ever go with me. I think he sees treating them exactly the same is fair, whereas I feel that to give them equal life experiences means treating them differently. DS1 has been to university and DS3 will go soon. DS2 hasn’t had that opportunity.

At your DSes ages I can see no reason to treat them differently. Maybe not exactly the same at the same time, but to invite the ‘favoured one’ to his wedding abroad and not the ‘inconvenient’ ones is bloody awful and he’s a dick.

Original poster

DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 17:24

Yeah, he isn’t the greatest of Dads. He sees them for one weekend a month - his choice. He WhatsApp’s NT child in between visits. To be fair the other two struggle to use a phone independently.

OP posts:

Potterspotter · 19/04/2020 17:25

Saying it’s not a wedding is semantics - it’s a holiday to celebrate the marriage - an important family celebration which pig it to include all of his family.

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