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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is abnormal or is it totally normal..

180 replies

Tjsmumma · 18/04/2020 18:24

Hi,

My DD is 4 months tomorrow so 17 weeks.

EBF, loves me to absolute pieces and im sure she loves DF as well but, she just does not settle for him, he can't get her to sleep (she boobs to sleep) i cant be out the room for more than 5 minutes without her getting not upset but aggy, and shouting out 'ma ma' for me, she can be in an absolute state for him, but, as soon as i return and she sees me, she stops instantly and smiles.

Obviously, this makes him feel awful, so, i think he sort of expects it and im not sure if she feeds of this or what, but, it's really getting me down.

I feel like, if i can't even leave her with him for an hour or even while i do dinner, when all this is over how on earth am i going to go out or do anything without her? Not saying i want to or anything like that, but, obviously every mum needs space.

I've seen mums i know, more FF babies but some BF babies be left within the first 12 weeks, without seemingly no problems, maybe there was but i dont know.

I'm not really sure what the point to this post is other than to ask, AIBU to think this is abnormal and wanting her to be able to settle for others?

Will this change? Am i doing the complete wrong thing BF? I absolutely love thid journey and thankfully its been so darn easy apart from this, but, im absolutely stressed about it now, i keep trying to suggest things that may work and it doesn't and I love my DD SO much but, god, id love a nice long bath without worrying.

Am i being an awful mum thinking like this?
Any tips? Or will it pass on its own? Is it just simply because im breastfeeding?

Sorry 😞

OP posts:
twinkletoesimnot · 18/04/2020 18:28

Ime it's totally normal.

You need to build it up slowly.
He needs to make an effort to distract her, sing, play with her whatever.

Have your bath, put some music on, shut the door and enjoy.

She is only tiny though. This will change, it'll just take time.

Original poster
Tjsmumma · 18/04/2020 18:32

@twinkletoesimnot I know deep down it is, i guess im just struggling to hear her cry.

He's great with her, loves her to pieces, does sing n play, cuddle, love her etc just after a while she gets bored and realises he isn't me and dislikes it.

Im not awful to do that then? Mum guilt is awful.

Thank you, just over thinking it all i guess!

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 18/04/2020 18:34

It is totally normal, you are her comfort and food source so she needs to keep you close.

She is still tiny so I wouldn’t worry about not being able to leave her yet!

ViciousJackdaw · 18/04/2020 18:36

On Mumsnet, you can use any profanity you want. From the F word to the C word, it's all permitted. What you absolutely cannot say is this:
boobs to sleep

moveandmove · 18/04/2020 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Tjsmumma · 18/04/2020 18:39

@Thesearmsofmine I know deep down it is, just hard sometimes. No, not even close to thinking about it, nor being ready, i even text my DP to see how she is while im in the shop lmao.

@viciousjackdaw are you for real? Like, why is that such a bad thing to say?! She does exactly that.

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 18/04/2020 18:40

Try and actually leave the house, it may be easier for your partner as knows you're not 'listening'. And you'll be calmer as you won't know what is happening.

I breastfed to 6 months, but always made sure to be apart from dd at least once a day, normally when dp got home he would give a bottle of expressed do i would walk to tesco express or something to have half an hour to myself

feelinguseless78 · 18/04/2020 18:40

DS was like this. Could not be parted from me. He did not love DH, he has grown to love DH though!

DD has been pretty happy being left since birth. She just a different personality.

Both EBF.

Haworthia · 18/04/2020 18:40

@ViciousJackdaw Grin

Original poster
Tjsmumma · 18/04/2020 18:41

@moveandmove haha i don't actually think she means to if im honest! She definitely repeats the sound 'ma' until i come back, she only ever does it when im not there but i can obviously hear her still. She doesn't do it to me like 'oh your my mama'

OP posts:
ActuallyItsEugene · 18/04/2020 18:41

@ViciousJackdaw completely agree Grin

concernedforthefuture · 18/04/2020 18:42

Yes it's normal. Go out and leave them to it if you find it hard to listen to her cry (difficult at the moment but you could go for a long walk). She won't starve / die of dehydration in an hour and will be fine. Or stay in with good headphones and Netflix.
Your DH needs to learn to distract her and build a bond with her so she settles for him too. Singing, reading to her, playing with rattles etc

ButtonandPickle19 · 18/04/2020 18:43

DS is like this to an extent. Given the choice between me and his dad, he always chooses me. But if I’m not in the house then he’s fine with DF. If I’m home he’ll cry until he has me. Maybe go for your daily walk and see how it goes?

DaphneFanshaw · 18/04/2020 18:43

I knew the boob to sleep would be picked up on the first page. Grin

Original poster
Tjsmumma · 18/04/2020 18:44

@Lazypuppy ill try that, thank you, ive been out to the shop before and left them while in shop and she does it, by the time im nearly done he's asking how long im going to be as she's distraught (max 40 mins as a week food shop)

Seems as though anything written on this page, some one finds something to pick at. Dont like it, simply don't comment surely? You read a mums struggling and all the vultures flock to make fun at something and make them feek worse 👍

OP posts:
Susanna85 · 18/04/2020 18:46

Baby says mama at 4 months? Are you sure

My DH was never able to settle our elder DD to sleep when she was a baby, and my younger who is EBF will only be settled by me although she likes being entertained by her dad, he makes her smile etc and can distract her if distressed but not settle her down fully. I think it's normal.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 18/04/2020 18:48

Yup pretty normal for some babies, ever ff babies. My second was glued to me for about 12 months until he learned to walk.

Also, she does not "boob to sleep" and she is not calling mama after you, because she knows you are "mama", it's just a noise she's making.

Original poster
Tjsmumma · 18/04/2020 18:50

@feelinguseless78 she does definitely love him, she will sit and look at him in awe, giggle, smile, stop feeding to look and smile at him. Just wont settle for him or calm for him. Guess it something that'll eventually come along as she gets older.

@concernedforthefuture She does it if i go shopping, at the moment im apprehensive about going in with her and its probably the only bit of time i get, he tries absolutely everything and she still wont settle well or for long. Guess it'll come in time.

@ButtonandPickle19 yes, very similar here, she's great if im in the room but as soon as she gets tired or slightly upset only i can calm her. Ill try that though and see if that helps, think giving them some time completely alone may be the best thing

OP posts:
DaphneFanshaw · 18/04/2020 18:50

No one is making fun of you op.
Ok, maybe a little bit at the boob to sleep comment.
I think it's meant in a good natured ribbing way though.
Don't worry, what's going on is completely normal and will probably change at some point when you will be the boring one and Dad is the fun one.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 18/04/2020 18:52

OP. your baby is 4 months old and EBF, you are her everything of course she is going to look and settle for you, you are her everything, you are what she needs to survive. This is a good thing. However, you can leave the house, she will settle eventually for her dad but this may be a while yet.

feelinguseless78 · 18/04/2020 18:56

Some on Mumsnet hate "boobs to sleep" or any other euphemism for breastfeeding. But it's not unreasonable to use the term.

Original poster
Tjsmumma · 18/04/2020 18:57

@Susanna85 no, i wouldnt necessarily says she is meaning to say mama hence i broke it up, but, she makes the sound and only ever does it when im not there, as if to say im upset and i dont want dad. She never makes this sound if i have her, playing or anything, but thats besides the point as such. Yes, DD is the same, she is content for him if happy but as soon as she starts getting slightly upset she doesn't want him anymore.

@wewearpinkonwedays yeah seems normal then. Im not sure why that's such an issue and no one is caring to explain but she 'BF's to sleep' is what she does, im sorru but thats just what a lot of mums i know say/call it. And, yes, i know that, i have stated in PC that i dont think she means to necessarily say it in regards to me she doesnt say it directly to me, but, she never ever makes the noise when im there, during play etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tjsmumma · 18/04/2020 19:02

@DaphneFanshawim unsure as to why thats even a comment to make fun of but oh well. Yeah, I knew deep down that its normal and will change but thought id get some positive comments regarding it and might help, think ill stay clear next time.

@HeyDuggeesCakeBadge i know, but, it is difficult sometimes. Im sure every single mother feels difficulties in this way, juat thought this may be the best place to get some tips on what to do..

@feelinguseless78 i don't understand why if im honest, maybe breastfeeding is just not a good thing in general then i guess, frowned upon in all aspects. Maybe that would help idk

OP posts:
FreakStar · 18/04/2020 19:04

YABU for thinking a four month old baby can say mama

Crabbo · 18/04/2020 19:05

My girls are 4 (very nearly 5) and 2. The big one loves her dad now but still very clearly prefers me, and the little one is just starting to accept him doing some things - there’s no way she’d accept him for bed! Your little one is only just out of the fourth trimester, totally normal that she’s strongly attached to you, although I do understand it can feel very draining being the one responsible for everything.
Why can’t you say boobs to sleep? Confused