To think this is abnormal or is it totally normal..

[Tjsmumma]

Hi,

My DD is 4 months tomorrow so 17 weeks.

EBF, loves me to absolute pieces and im sure she loves DF as well but, she just does not settle for him, he can't get her to sleep (she boobs to sleep) i cant be out the room for more than 5 minutes without her getting not upset but aggy, and shouting out 'ma ma' for me, she can be in an absolute state for him, but, as soon as i return and she sees me, she stops instantly and smiles.

Obviously, this makes him feel awful, so, i think he sort of expects it and im not sure if she feeds of this or what, but, it's really getting me down.

I feel like, if i can't even leave her with him for an hour or even while i do dinner, when all this is over how on earth am i going to go out or do anything without her? Not saying i want to or anything like that, but, obviously every mum needs space.

I've seen mums i know, more FF babies but some BF babies be left within the first 12 weeks, without seemingly no problems, maybe there was but i dont know.

I'm not really sure what the point to this post is other than to ask, AIBU to think this is abnormal and wanting her to be able to settle for others?

Will this change? Am i doing the complete wrong thing BF? I absolutely love thid journey and thankfully its been so darn easy apart from this, but, im absolutely stressed about it now, i keep trying to suggest things that may work and it doesn't and I love my DD SO much but, god, id love a nice long bath without worrying.

Am i being an awful mum thinking like this?
Any tips? Or will it pass on its own? Is it just simply because im breastfeeding?

Sorry 😞

Oh OP I’m so sorry for all the horrible replies you’re getting! Honestly just ignore everyone, they must get a kick out of thinking they’re better than everyone else!

As for the not settling for dad, totally normal! Both of my girls were formula fed after a month or two and they still never settled for my husband a lot at first, but after 5/6 months they’d choose a different preferred parent every evening, so sometimes they wouldn’t settle for me and on DH! I promise it does get better, and in our experience if I needed to go out without them they’d actually settle much better with my DH when I wasn’t around at all!
It’s exhausting but I promise it gets easier!

The other reason why it irks some people is that this sort of language “boob to sleep”’ or “ I am
Boobing” is used by a certain type of person who virtue signals a lot around various attachment parenting practices

🙌🙌🙌

Spot on @Namesgonenow! That’s exactly why it grates. I’ve also come across selfies on Instagram captured “boobing away” 🤢😄

Oh for goodness sake @FreakStar - how is it relevant or helpful for you to say that! Sorry OP Mumsnet is particularly nasty today - please don't let it get you down x

Cannot bloody believe it. What a fucking pile on. Poor woman. She even modified her language to placate people. But that still wasn’t enough!

@Tjsmumma just wanted to say it sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job! My baby is a bit older than yours, and I say “boob to sleep” all the time. Hang in there, your baby is very lucky to have parents like you and your partner.

My baby was like this too @Tjsmumma but has settled really well now and is happy being left with other people :-) if I remember correctly it was around 6 months that he started being happy without constant contact with me!

I can't see why people are commenting on the boobs to sleep thing so much, so what if it's something you don't say? If @Tjsmumma says it, we all know what she means so why pull her up on it? People have lots of phrases that I think are nauseating but I'm sure I have some that annoy them too! I do say that baby wants 'the boob' or is having his boob, so shoot me 🤷🏻‍♀️

I say boob to sleep. Is this a thing we are not “meant to say”
Boob boob boob I boob you boob she boobs

People are ridiculous in MN.
Nothing is allowed.

You keep booking OP
At 4 months they go through a phase of not wanting you to leave the room. My DS wanted only me for a year and now I am lucky if I get a cuddle as it is daddy daddy daddy

Totally normal! My 20 month old can still be like this at times

@ViciousJackdaw 🤭🤭🤭

OP you sound lovely
But some of you other people on here... just wow!!

It’s normal but I wouldn’t say because you breastfeed, we formula feed and my son is similar. When weaning started, dad became lots of fun. It will pass.

Also you’re getting some of these responses because you’re in AIBU rather than another board. It’s always harsh in here.

Re babies being left from birth. Babies start to attach around 12 weeks. They attach first to the primary carer, which is you. She depends on you for her survival (in the primitive sense), babies that don't make a fuss when left may not have survived as well.

She will now start to attach to a secondary carer, your DH, but still shouldn't be happy to have you gone for long periods. This is all normal and shows that she is attaching as she should. As said around sux months she will be more secure in her attachment to the secondary carers. It's no coincidence that this happens when they can take solid food. This is about survival, as well as emotional/mental health.

A dummy might be an answer. Have you tried expressing yet and he do some feeds? She is very little and it won't be long before there's another growth spurt and you might find that once again it's you she wants.

@Meirou90

😳😳😳
You need to calm down a bit! Judgy much? Might need to take a look at your own nasty posts 🤨

I fed mine for 3 years and he was like this. It does get a bit much after a while. I did wonder if he'd ever grow out of it and one day it just stopped. I realise that probably isn't much comfort at 17 weeks, I think mine was a bit extreme.

Mine is 7 months and doesn’t settle for DH. She will one day, it’s far too soon for an EBF baby.
We also bedshare so she only naps for me, I have the odd day when I feel overwhelmed by it, but it’s such a short time.
I do leave her with DH for 2-2.5 hours a few times a week and will build this up when she starts to drop milk feeds.

All sounds perfectly normal, OP! You're doing a brilliant job. Babies are intense, so are our feelings towards them - all totally normal.

Ignore anybody, at all, that ever makes you feel you're doing it wrong. Really. For some reason people like to make judgements, I suppose because anxiety over doing it right or wrong is very common and people get defensive and go on the attack. The reality is there are so many different ways to raise children well, so many variables and individuals and factors.

All babies are different, and some need more attention/feeding/contact than others. It will change, it will get easier, she will get bigger and will be crawling about before you know it. And that's a whole other story ... .

(And yes, 'boobing to sleep' is a completely understandable term, anyone who objects ... well, let them if they must. I really wouldn't pay too much attention.)

If it upset my husband so much id have to pump and let him feed. It must be a pretty shitty feeling for him!

Also 17 weeks old and say mama

Boobs to sleep? Wtf

Hi everyone,

Took a step back for a minute as obviously some people's replies got to me.

I was in no way trying to be rude, but, i was already in a bit of a state hence my post, seeing people pick on something i thought was a correct phrase got to me, and, i found myself rewriting replies to not seem 'rude' or get angry. I simply was trying to state, if you have nothing nice to say and simply want to pick, why comment? Why not skip past the thread and go elsewhere.

I understand that this is/can be completely normal, hence, why i stated that in my original question and the thread name.

But, when it happens to you, its a struggle, i love my DD more than anything and I love that she is so close to me, but, some times its a bit frustrating to not get any time away, surely some of you have felt that also.

To everyone asking about dummies, we have tried a few times, and, she really dislikes them, dislikes the feel of the silicone, we introduced expressed milk in a bottle and she hated the silicone teat but got on with a latex one, but, I cant find latex teat dummies. She has only taken the dummy once since then and that was more due to her teething.

I have tried expressing milk, but, I literally just produce enough for her and it took me weeks to even get enough for a single bottle.

I'm not trying in any way to leave her with anyone else yet, I just got scared that it may never happen.

I have worked in nurseries for a long time, i see strong attachments and how jt temporarily (yes I knkw briefly) effects the child and I would hate my DD to feel like that just because J wanted some time away from her to be with DP.

I see how tough it is on him, how sad he gets once i come back and she instantly settles, it stresses me out more feeling like i will return to this, a very upset baby and an also very upset partner.

I thought I may come onto here and ask if anyone had any tips, ideas etc to help the situation or is it just a case of waiting it out and it will get better.

I'm sorry for using the wrong phrase and it annoying some of you, but, I think there are definitely nicer ways to put it to someone who is reaching out for support. Like, maybe my replies could of been nicer, but, i was stressed and upset so i apologise.

Also, to everyone stating baby couldn't possibly say ma ma or anything of the sort, i apologise if that has upset you. I obviously have got the wrong end of the stick and my DD can't speak yet, but, that is what she does when I leave or gets upset and i am not holding her. So, that's why i mentioned it. I have since googled this and found a lot of others saying this in the exact same circumstances, im unsure if she means it or not.

Thank all you lovely people for all your lovely, helpful responses, i appreciate it a lot.

I probably was being unreasonable, I know this stage of development is hard on DD, but, doesn't mean its not hard on me and DP also. Yes, I wanted my DD and continued the pregnancy, but, haven't we all been stressed at one point of our parenting journey and thought 'is it just me who this is happening to?'

I'm anxious and very worried in general, I dislike being like this but, simply cannot help it. Sometimes reaching out to other parents and hearing their experiences helps to put me at ease, i apologise if this isn't correct

Don't apologise for using language that wasn't actually offensive, people's opinions are their own but that shouldn't stop politeness and just being nice to one another :-)

You sound a great mum, I too over think everything but realistically we just have to do our best and our babies will be just fine.

@DressingGown123 oh yes, i have tried, but, i simply dont get enough out for her to be satisfied from or to validate giving in a bottle. I never said she says it, i stated she shouts ma ma, i never put the two words together, that is a sound she makes. She doesnt shout anything else. And, its not totally unheard for babies to use these vowels or phrases at this age, from what ive been reading up anyway.

@Isolatinginthekitchen I definitely agree, think some people's comments were totally unnecessary and not needed in the slightest. Thank you, like you say all we can do is try our best and that's what im trying to do

Tjsmumma don't worry, you sound very worried. I think with my 3 year old never put down milk drinking monster I think I was laid back as he was my 4th and I was so much more laid back than with the first. I don't think I had any pressure either, I think DH thought it was a wonderful excuse for him to just hand him back to me.

At the moment you are everything to her, of course she wants you. Having a strong bond at this age is really positive. As she gets older she might find your husband a bit more interesting but for now he just needs to cope when you need a break.

My view, by the time I got to no 4, was will it matter in ten years? If it won't try not to worry or you will look back and either cringe or laugh.