To think this is abnormal or is it totally normal..

[Tjsmumma]

Hi,

My DD is 4 months tomorrow so 17 weeks.

EBF, loves me to absolute pieces and im sure she loves DF as well but, she just does not settle for him, he can't get her to sleep (she boobs to sleep) i cant be out the room for more than 5 minutes without her getting not upset but aggy, and shouting out 'ma ma' for me, she can be in an absolute state for him, but, as soon as i return and she sees me, she stops instantly and smiles.

Obviously, this makes him feel awful, so, i think he sort of expects it and im not sure if she feeds of this or what, but, it's really getting me down.

I feel like, if i can't even leave her with him for an hour or even while i do dinner, when all this is over how on earth am i going to go out or do anything without her? Not saying i want to or anything like that, but, obviously every mum needs space.

I've seen mums i know, more FF babies but some BF babies be left within the first 12 weeks, without seemingly no problems, maybe there was but i dont know.

I'm not really sure what the point to this post is other than to ask, AIBU to think this is abnormal and wanting her to be able to settle for others?

Will this change? Am i doing the complete wrong thing BF? I absolutely love thid journey and thankfully its been so darn easy apart from this, but, im absolutely stressed about it now, i keep trying to suggest things that may work and it doesn't and I love my DD SO much but, god, id love a nice long bath without worrying.

Am i being an awful mum thinking like this?
Any tips? Or will it pass on its own? Is it just simply because im breastfeeding?

Sorry 😞

Is this something to do when in the day when you leave her. Is post feed, easier? Can you try and work out when its easier to absent your self?

OP dont apologise. There is tgis massuve tension on MN about breastfeeding... And how everyine who does it 'virtue signals' (whatever that means?!? Does it mean tries their best? Who knows).

Anything that shows bf to be pleasureable for a baby or fostering a bond (like the word 'boobing') is 'nauseating etc. Its condescending, but probably comes from a place of jealousy of self-consciousness. Best ignored.

Also.... These MN'ers are suffering cabin fever, so in fine form for picking on people
If you think about it long enough, its quite sad.

Mine was like this. I also BOOBED him to sleep. It was exhausting as no one cpuld help. But it didn last forever. It is so tough tho...

On Mumsnet, you can use any profanity you want. From the F word to the C word, it's all permitted. What you absolutely cannot say is this:
boobs to sleep

😂 I cringed too. Sorry OP. Some of us are total pendants and lockdown is making us crazy. But Boob is not a verb.

@areallthenamesusedup I've tried that, I feed her before I go for our big shop (obviously at the moment i cant take her and DP dislikes shopping lol) and within about 40 minutes she's all antsy with him. Maybe i just need to leave him to it and see. I just feel bad, either way.

@1forsorrow yup, i am, i didnt have a great childhood, not trying to be a sob story, but, i now feel i need to do everything perfectly and struggle if it's not, hate hearimg her cry as feel like its neglecting her (obviously its not) but its just past things i havent necessarily worked on and now dont ever want my child to experience. So combined with being a FTM im just very anxious. Yeah i get that its easier to let me calm but im confused on how to even explain/help him calm her etc.

@BeardyButton Thank you :) Yes, im not quite sure if im honest, seems a bit strange that a mother cant enjoy her BF journey. Think i shall, i did, i sat back and had a, good think about why i was wrong and then thought maybe in fact it's not me. Maybe i shouldnt have but she simply just falls asleep and that's how its always been. I reallt don't understand why i even thought coming on and asking here would be helpful or beneficial if im honest. But, its njce to hear im not the only one who has/had struggled with it.

IMHO what you are describing is pretty normal but you should power through and still have your dp spend time with her. Probably best if you leave the room so she doesn’t hear you pottering round. If she gets really distressed then yes, you may have to come back but she should get more and more used to it. Also, as she gets older and starts to wean she will be more amenable to daddy time I think. Mine was like yours at 4 months then I went back to work when she was nearly 6 months and she was looked after by daddy all day. She was very happy (after a difficult week or so transition period). The key is to keep having dad spend time with her so she will accept him more and more as she spends less time breastfeeding.

Atrocious behaviour on this thread from some posters - picking on a frazzled new mum for her use of a phrase that is in very wide usage. You should be ashamed.

My daughter briefly preferred me up until about 10/12 weeks old. I mix fed from boeth and gave up BF at about 10 weeks. She was never glued to me though and always loved Daddy. Between 9 and 32 months (ish) she showed a massive preference for OH and called us both "dadda" for ages Now she is aged 4 and seems like she likes both of us equally in different ways. I was a single parent to my eldest child, my son so I was his only choice. However he was never clingy and would go off with anyone who asked from a very young age without a blink.

So neither of my children ever wanted me! 🤣🤣

@aupresdemonarbre Thank you for the reply, yes, seems very normal. I have been trying, its been getting better then got worse again (i know leap, teethjng and grows spurt all have a big part to play) and i just felt like its one step forward ten backwards. I think that was the main point of my question, will it get better and sort of when did it get better for others. I'll definitely try leave the house for a walk and see, but, even if im not around (orher end fo house or shopping) she is like it, but, only time will help. Yes, I see it used everywhere on my BF pages so assumed it was OK and a common phrase, not that it would be picked upon for nouns or verbs etc. Oh well.

YABU for saying “boobs to sleep” 🤢🤮 but in seriousness you’re making a rod for your own back. It’s much better to get your baby to be able to self-settle while they’re still little, it gets much harder as they get older and you won’t be wanting to boob her to sleep (cringe) forever.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut but not enough of a pedant to spell pedant correctly 😀.

@MadameMeursault Can i ask if you BF your DC? I hope you didnt put YABU in the poll only for that though, as that's a bit childish imo as that's not what the thread is asking :)

If it makes you feel better I've boobed my 2 year old to sleep most nights since she was born. We've had some tough phases where she wanted only me but now she'll accept daddy no problem. Just persevere with whatever routine you want her in and she'll pick it up. Don't stop BF though!

Yes, I too cringed at that phrase @Tjsmumma . However, I think you have got real guts to come back and respond politely (when you absolutely don't need to explain yourself to anyone).

More importantly, though, you ask: is it just a case of waiting it out and it will get better

I think that's precisely what it is.

I have been in your DP's position, and it's absolutely horrible.

I almost died giving birth to DC1 and was very ill for months afterwards. He, however, was a huge and very healthy baby. I couldn't do anything for him. I couldn't feed him (was desperate to, but couldn't). I couldn't pick him up. I was in hospital for a long time, doubly incontinent and on a drip, and couldn't stand up at all for several weeks.

XH did all the 'primary carer' stuff as a result, meaning that DS would only ever settle for him. He used to bat me away and scream if I went near him.

It was the unhappiest I have ever been. I felt (wrongly) completely rejected by my own child. I think it might perhaps be a bit worse for mothers than for fathers, given that they go through pregnancy and childbirth - but I do know how it feels to want to be close to your baby, and to have him/her scream for the other parent.

XH used to say I needed to 'play the long game', and that it would sort itself out in the long run. I clearly remember howling in the M&S loos because DS went ballistic when XH left the table in the cafe to get a napkin, and some poor embarrassed woman pretending she hadn't noticed.

It did, of course, change once I recovered and was at home with DS all the time (then had subsequent DC with no problems). It took a while, and was hard work. But he is now 18 and he and I are a good team.

So I am pretty sure your situation will change. You just need to be kind to your DP and find every opportunity to involve him (both of which I am sure you are already doing). Once your DD is a toddler, she will find that you both have different things to offer her; one day you will be the favourite, and the next day it will be Daddy.

The nitpickers are out in force tonight, aren't they! One of mine used to say mama at that age when he got upset, people also didn't believe me until they saw it themselves.
It's totally normal to have a big mum preference when they've only recently been part of you. It'll even out over time, but there's no harm in it.
Boobing to sleep (fuck off grammar fans) is totally normal too. It's lovely and snuggly and relaxing, and is a natural sleep cue. Just go with it, if it works, it works.

@tootletum thank you :) so im not making a rod for my own back doing this? Seems like breastfeeding is really viewed negatively all over, seems as though it must be viewed as this 'disgusting, cringey, weird' thing.

No, you're not doing anything wrong.
You are not making a rod for your own back.
Just keep doing what you are doing, it will be absolutely fine.

@ EarringsandLipstick

Oh, you didn’t like my comment? Not nice getting called out is it? At least I don’t contribute to the pile on of a suffering new mother and try and justify it as being OP’s own fault. Think before you type next time.

Ignore anyone who is negative about breastfeeding to you OP. I've found no matter what you do formula or bf someone somewhere will have an opinion. Frankly unless I'm doing something to harm my child I don't want to hear someone's thoughts on the matter ! I breastfeed and still do, my son is only 11 months but looks around 2 and I constantly get strangers saying I should stop as I am mollycoddling him. I just give them a look and carry on what I'm doing. My business not theirs, my son is healthy, happy and well adjusted. Likewise one of my friends who formula fed got a lot of comments about how she should have tried harder to breast feed etc and it made her feel super shit. A fed baby is a happy baby! We all are doing our best and should support each other not shoot each other down :-)

Mine both boobed to sleep for about 2 years each. It was definitely hard work for me but looking back I don't regret it, they got great sleep and I could tell they felt absolute complete contentment and peace that way (not implying other parents don't find other ways to make their babies feel that way - but this was my way). I think it's fine for babies to be especially attached to mum for the first few months. It'll ease up over time when they get more interactive.

Meh, I don't really give two fucks what other people think. Breastfeeding doesn't have to be a big thing, I don't judge people who don't do it either. I personally love it (third baby), although with my first I was much more ambivalent and I dropped night feeds with him at six months. What you could try, which worked well for us, is expressing milk and having DH give her that. At that age they usually just want the taste of your milk and you can then gradually get her used to others feeding her. Don't stress, don't overthink anything. You're a great mum, doesn't mean you can't want a bit of a breather. As they get older and you get the tantrums etc we all end up feeling like we've fucked up from time to time. It's a journey full of constant change!

@Tjsmumma no I didn’t put YABU in the poll for that or any other reason. I was being a bit light-hearted because I find the expression yucky but I hadn’t RTF(full)T and didn’t realise there’d been such a pile-on, sorry.

Yes I BF both of mine, until a year old. DS was first and I used to BF him till he fell asleep but then it was a nightmare trying to put him down, because I’d think he was asleep then his eyes would ping open and he’d want another suckle and it would take ages. Plus he used to snack on and off and I’d spend hours and hours feeding him.

When DD came along I left her once to self-settle when she was really tiny and from then on she was really easy to put down. I’d be more structured with the feeding and try and do a big feed then longer in between, and she was easier to get to go to other people. But I might just have been lucky I guess.

“Boob to sleep” “breastfeeding journey” no no no. You aren’t going anywhere, therefore it isn’t a journey. Argh!

I breastfed both my children one for 13 months and one until 2 1/2, the first one I could leave overnight no problem from 3 months old (not that I did it much) but the second one I just couldn’t leave at all overnight (Or indeed for an hour) in the entire time he breastfed, he just screamed all night for me. They both preferred me over my husband for the entire time they breastfed, I had the goods simple as. I think if you breastfeed you kind of have to realise that you are going to be the preferred parent during that time and you might just get a baby who you can’t leave at all.
My second child wouldn’t have breast milk out of a bottle, so it was impossible to even just take a few hours off. We tried hard but he knew exactly what he wanted, me!

Good news is their dad is now firm favourite for both of them (they are 4 and 2), he’s far more fun than I am. I wouldn’t worry about the dad bonding etc etc you have years ahead for “fun dad”.

Your baby believes that satisfaction comes from you. It isn't a question of who he loves most. If you want your baby to fall asleep easily without you ,facilitate it by absenting yourself. If it isn't such a big issue wean the baby onto others with pumped BM and gradual withdrawal. If you can't face that , stick with bf t on sleep and your baby relying on you for now. Their relationship with their father will be unimpaired whatever path you choose. It really depends on your circs imo. My oldest was quite dependent on me for about a year, DC2 had to be left from 12 weeks or so as I had to go back to work( different times) and adapted , DC3 needed me at bed and kept up bf until they were 4. The child's personality and your priorities and circumstances all influence what happens. Most importantly whatever you do is the right thing for your child and family.

@Tjsmumma Hi there - ignoring the drama over language (though I do love discovering a wonderful new way to annoy people - I may start saying "she tits to tiredness" now.. Breasts to bed? Mammaries to her mattress? The possibilities are endless )

I'd say this sounds very similar to my experience and, in my opinion is one of the hardest aspects of breastfeeding. My dd is 19 weeks and just this evening I was talking to DP about how I really didn't feel prepared for how much of the onus is on you alone as a breastfeeding mum. I think the difference in relationship between myself and my partner is that dd looks to me with NEED whereas with DP it's just fun and games. Yes he changes nappies and yes he'll bob her about to stall her if I'm, say, getting out of the bath or on the loo but for the most part it feels like I'm very much the one who is 100% at her beck and call 24/7. Its hard! And it's exhausting. It doesn't mean it's abnormal, but I think when the emphasis is so much on encouraging mums to breastfeed they don't tell you how emotionally and physically draining it can be. I read somewhere dd should be on between 5 and 6 feeds a day by now. Psh. More like 12!

Hang in there.. I'm trying to!

DS BF to a year, in the early days he wouldn't settle for DH, he's 16 months now and actually settles better for dh, he comes and cuddles with me of his own volition and recently has started grabbing my face and planting kisses on me which he won't do for DH (could be the lockdown beard though tbh) , however sometimes he so clearly prefers daddy and is distraught when DH heads off to work, but when I go he stands on the step with DH and waves me off! It'll be fine, just make sure as they get a bit bigger they have things they do with daddy. When I was on mat leave DH would take DS out for a walk in the pram every Saturday morning they'd go to the park or the seafront, DH would get a coffee and I'd get a blissful rest or long bath,. DH is now the one who takes him to swimming lessons due to our working patterns, so they have their thing they do together.