To think this is abnormal or is it totally normal..

[Tjsmumma]

Hi,

My DD is 4 months tomorrow so 17 weeks.

EBF, loves me to absolute pieces and im sure she loves DF as well but, she just does not settle for him, he can't get her to sleep (she boobs to sleep) i cant be out the room for more than 5 minutes without her getting not upset but aggy, and shouting out 'ma ma' for me, she can be in an absolute state for him, but, as soon as i return and she sees me, she stops instantly and smiles.

Obviously, this makes him feel awful, so, i think he sort of expects it and im not sure if she feeds of this or what, but, it's really getting me down.

I feel like, if i can't even leave her with him for an hour or even while i do dinner, when all this is over how on earth am i going to go out or do anything without her? Not saying i want to or anything like that, but, obviously every mum needs space.

I've seen mums i know, more FF babies but some BF babies be left within the first 12 weeks, without seemingly no problems, maybe there was but i dont know.

I'm not really sure what the point to this post is other than to ask, AIBU to think this is abnormal and wanting her to be able to settle for others?

Will this change? Am i doing the complete wrong thing BF? I absolutely love thid journey and thankfully its been so darn easy apart from this, but, im absolutely stressed about it now, i keep trying to suggest things that may work and it doesn't and I love my DD SO much but, god, id love a nice long bath without worrying.

Am i being an awful mum thinking like this?
Any tips? Or will it pass on its own? Is it just simply because im breastfeeding?

Sorry 😞

@Hillaria Thank you :)

I'm sorry to hear that and your circumstances and feelings weren't great at this point. I completely understand why it was difficult and i totally feel for my DP for all this, even through extensive telling him its normal, will change as she gsts older etc it seems to knock him each time and i can totally see why. I definitely am, we are a good team and i included him in everything i can, i even went and brought bottles at 4 weeks to include him in feeding when we realised i just simply cant pump well. Im glad to hear it got easier for you.

@FlaskMaster literally every other BF mother i knows does it, its not even intentional really, she just falls asleep! Thank you :)

@Isolatinginthekitchen seems that way! I respect any parent, its a blooming tough job!

@Tootletum thank you, i do try express and catch leaks but its a struggle most of the time, but, i shall persevere and try! She did go down for him when he bottle fed her some expressed milk in the past, so ill have to try up supply to get more for her!

OP only you can know what will work for your DD, there's some great advice on here - keep trying to express though - I didn't produce enough either and my DS had to be topped up formula every day - best advice I was given: everything is a phase - give her time to understand what daddy is for? They'll bond doing something other than feeding and he'll be able to feed her solids soon. Good luck and keep going

Ohh and to add to what I said before - expressing has never worked well for me for some reason. I definitely have no supply issues but for some reason can never pump a decent bottle. Massive pain as I really thought that would be the answer to offloading a bit of the night work!

How about:

Suckles to sleep
Noshes to naptime
Drinks to dreamland
Sips to snoozetown

Normal. My 2 are the same. The eldest is 3 & still sees her dad as the very obvious second choice 😂

@AvonBarksdale99 I like the way you think.

@yikesanotherbooboo the sleep isnt the concern really as very occasionally she will go down not being fed but being rocked and sung too, it really depends on how tired she is or her mood. I do try to get DP to do this, we co sleep so feeding to sleep is norm and not an issue at that time. I want to do right by both of them. I know she loves him dearly as she comes of mid feed just to look at him, babble and smile just a pickle sometimes and like ylu say its more of an age thing.

@sideeying 😂 Yes, seema to really irate some people! That's brilliant though and made me giggle for the first time tonight so thank you so much!

Definitely, I couldn't of said it better, I absolutely love it and wouldn't change it now, but, like you say some days are physically and emotionally taxing! Sorry to hear its the same for you but also reassuring to know, I'm not the only one feeling like it! X

I've only really read OP replies, so apologies if I'm repeating PPs.

I BFed DD to sleep, she never took a dummy if I was there, she wouldn't feed from a bottle if I was in the room a lot of the time (I was lucky that I could express). You aren't doing anything wrong.

You say she'll do 40 mins-ish with DP after a feed, make sure you go as far away as you can fairly regularly for this time, so she gets to spend time with him when she's content. DD would want me if I was there, but if I wasn't there she was fine with someone else.

If you can express at all it's definitely worth it. You don't need to increase supply as such, once you've got that first bottle you're one-up, so you just express the feed she would have had without that bottle.

Because of this I left DD with MIL (Yes, MIL!) for an evening to got to a concert when she was 12 weeks. She drank expressed milk, fussed a bit, took a dummy (first of approximately two times in her life) and fell asleep on MIL.

I fed her to sleep practically every night after that until she was 15 months and I stayed overnight at a conference. I bfed in the night until she was 2. But knowing she would take a bottle of expressed if I needed to be somewhere else was amazing. She's 3.5 now and still wants me preferentially for comfort, Daddy the best occasionally but it never lasts long, poor DH!

Later on when I stopped worrying about supply/having to pump if I missed a feed we got some of those ready-made formula bottles and she took those too, they're really good and she'd drink them at room temp, so you could try that if expressing is a PITA, or to get that first one in the bank.

Good luck, just do what works for you, there is no right/wrong as long as she's fed and happy.

@SideEyeing I can’t express either but no supply issues. Pump gathering dust and baby has never had a bottle.
I figure if that as I’ve managed to 7 months, another 5 should be easy! Then she can have cows milk in a cup.
I’ll also have to leave her for work then so it’ll be needs must.

@dontstandsoclosetome thats a great idea, thank you! Think its just both of us plucking up the courage to do so! She enjoys the pushchair so that is a good one to try first, if in the car she cries for me, but happily sit in pushchair n wait for me outside the shop! These sorts of comments were what i was after so thank you so much!

@VenusTiger thank you so much! Definitely, ill make sure he is the one who starts the weaning etc so she realises that daddy does things too and im not the one to do anything. Great advice and great advice from some othwrs also, exactly what i needed! :)

@SideEyeing no same here definitely nothing wrong with my supple (18lb baby from 6lb 12oz) just cant express any! Think the stress aroind it in fact makes me not able to!

@AvonBarksdale99 love it 😂

@Lockdowneaster aw bless, i guess it's become norm now!! Poor dads aye!

My middle DC would scream as soon as I left the room until they were 2.5 YEARS old. It used to get DH down a bit but now they’re five they’re very independent and happy with anyone. They did take a dummy but it didn’t help the issue of me leaving rooms. It is exhausting, especially if you’re also trying to manage your OH’s feelings (I don’t think DH realised how much pressure I felt when he was disappointed about how DC2 only wanted me, because there was nothing anyone could do apart from wait until they grew out of it)

It’s very normal and you are not alone, don’t worry. DD is 6 mo and exactly the same. DH can manage her for max 45 minutes before she is distraught, he tries so hard to entertain her but she just won’t take it sometimes.She is EBF too. To be honest I haven’t been anywhere on my own for this very reason . I am waiting for this phase to be over so I can go out for a coffee or something atleast.They grow up so fast anyways☹️

As for expressing, I tried to do all the nightly feeds from one breast, and express first thing in the morning with the other breast. In the end neither of my DCs really enjoyed expressed milk, so I didn’t do it regularly, but that’s how I got the most amount of milk.

@MadameMeursault don't be sorry, it is OK :)

I only asked to see really, we co sleep also so its just easier for night time but day time DP can occasionally get her down but really is dependent on how tired shs is (if you get her at the right time feeding to sleep isnt always necessary) she used ro go down being patted on the back on our chest n then clocked on that, that meant sleep time and im sure she has FOMO lol and from then refused anything bar the boob at bed times unless very special circumstances (fell asleep on DP's step mum, her DGM and occasionally like stated DF but totally depends on her mood etc) Shes not a huge sacker now and can go 4hrs without a feed during day and from 6/6:30 this funnily enough 10:22pm lol then wakes for feed, change then bed to go til about 11-4 ish. Really depends on her and how she feels, she was great with others before lockdown and never cried once, but this was at about 12 weeks given all this going on!

My thoughts on your dh being upset that he can’t feed your dd? That’s unfortunate and perhaps sad for him, however, this is just nature. It is totally normal.

Tbh your dh is going to have to get over a lot of disappointment in the future because much as parenting can be rewarding, the highs come, but so do the lows. This is one small part of your baby’s journey and it isn’t about your dh, it’s about her. You are putting her needs first and that is what you’re supposed to do. He needs to develop resilience to this disappointment. There will be plenty of time for them to bond.

As your dd develops her personality, the best thing you can do is encourage your dh to do something with her, which is unique and just for the two of them and something, which you don’t do with her. Eg football in the garden or playing games under the stairs.

I wouldn’t express milk just so your dh can feed your dd. I expressed milk for my dd. But that was to get her through the night and became her 11pmish feed. I got a routine, where I would get up before dd woke in the morning and express as I made the most milk first thing. Then I’d wait for at least 20 mins, express again. Then wait another 20 mins before feeding dd. It’s normal for your body to create less as you go through the day, which is why if you want to express, maybe how I did it would work. If so, it will take time for your body to adjust. Don’t expect 160ml on the first attempt. At the height on the two times, I was getting 220ml on a good day, which was more than enough for the feed and so I could freeze some etc.

My youngest was like this, it all changed around six months when I became the milk person and her dad, the fun person in her mind. It’s gone back and forth since then.

She’s 15 months now, she needs to breastfeed to sleep and he can’t settle her to sleep but she’s usually happy to stay with him and if I’m out of the house she’ll be perfectly content with him for several hours. Quite often if she’s not sick or tired she rejects me for him.

We just went with the flow, neither of us like to hear her cry so he’d play with her, carry her in the sling etc but give her to me if she cried. If I really needed a brief break, a shower for example, he’d look after her and she might cry but crying briefly with someone who loves you, is very different to abandonment.

I’d just keep going and catering to her need for you within the limits of your sanity (so do take a break if you need one) and expect it to change.

I believe you totally on the ma ma ma btw, mine said ba ba ba and that’s now what she calls breastfeeding. If people think boobing to sleep is bad, I’m in the habit of saying I’m baaaing the baby, makes her sound like a sheep.

@Frlrlrubert No problem! Thanks for the reply! Yes, I usually go do our weekly/fortnightly shop in this time, it's been a lot busier during Covid so is taking that just a bit longer which then causes her to be irritable by the time I am back. Yesterday i did a quick shop and I came back to a happy baby and partner! I usually get an oz, maybe 2 if im very full per expression. We took some out when we went for lunch (about 4/5oz) but as it was cold she wouldnt take it, so, it would need to also be warmed up (typical lol!) She definitely isn't adverse to a bottle (she absolutely love food, no matter who it is coming from! Nearly 18lbs of full on chunky rolls) so that is definitely a good shout just need to get enough milk out for her which seems to be the main issue. When i leak from the other side, i probably leak a good 2oz so i need to catch it more often as this is near on every feed but find it tricky to position her and catch it!

We got some formula in due to the virus and MIL stated when she was poorly with a temp she dried up temporarily so obviously panicked me and was at the time there was zero formula on shelves! But ill look into getting some pre made even if it just sits in the bag like the tins are just in cupboard!

Think our BF is well established so not too concerned about missing a feed as such just anxious about starting to introduce it as know ill do it more and more then eventually stop BF. Thank you, you made some great, clearly thought out and nicely put comments! Nice to know im not the only one who has had these struggles nor DP!

@Times10 definitely! Its exhausting both of us at times, he's been letting me lay in a bit sin e he has been off work and takes her after her morning feed and she naps quite quick after that some days she cries and falls asleep others no tears n goes but today was just screaming so he had to get me up but then felt god awful for doing so, which put us both in a downer. I try explaining its veru normal but stil can't be easy! Ill try the pumping in morning ive heard that a log of people get on with that, im usually quite engorged on one side anyway as dont feel comfortable feeding on the other side or flipping her into the middle of us just yet!

@Rayshine13 oh lovely, i totally understand and feel you on that. I'd love a bit of me time but to be honest im not ready yet at all. We aren't alone and I totally sympathise with you, next time, when you feek down about it, try remember i may be having the same situation and you arent alone in it! Hope it improves ❤️

@Mummyoflittledragon No definitely and he knows that, ive suggested not BF or supplimenting a FF bottle and he doesnt want that, just gets upset that his nipples are useless i guess! He goes through stages of feeling okay and other times he feels down about it, i guess, just like i do! Yes, I've read about a similar 20 min cycle 'power pumping' and in morning, so ill try that! She just loves food, whether its from the source, bottle or eyeing up ours! Thank you :)

@TheDIsiilusionedAnarchist that's exactky like us, neither of us like hearing her upset and both try and calm in our own ways and it sort of depends on how she wants to be settled (its very rare she will not settle for me, but, for him, but not impossible!) I read the same about them crying with someone who cares just he dislikes the crying and it really upsets him after a while which is totally understandable, ive worked with kids all my adult life so probably more prone to children crying/settling them! Ahh ive read a few people say similar but thought i was completely insane aftee seeing so many people disregard it. She wont do it if im holding her, literally only if DP has her and she wants me! Thank you so much for your reply x

Nope @meriou90 it didn't bother me at all! I didn't think you were 'calling me out' as I'd said nothing either way about the OP or terms used, I just thought your posts were nasty.

Bit of reading comprehension needed by you I

OP tommee tippee cherry soothers have latex teats and were the only dummies my DC took at that age so they are worth a try if you still want to try and settle her without BFing to sleep. You sound like your doing a great job.

My boy was the same but when we started night weaning DH would get up in the might and rock him back to sleep because if he could smell the milk from me he just wouldnt go back to sleep until fed. He gradually got used to it and now at 18months dad does most bedtimes while I cook. What also helped was introducing a dummy because he was using me as one. We also introduced a bottle quite early on of expressed milk (occasionally formula if I hadnt had a chance). I think he then saw that dad could also feed him and would settle better with him, it also meant that in the early days I could feed him then go for a sleep knowing that I had a good 3-4 hours before he'd need bf. It does get easier, 4 months is still really young! We also found like others have said that if he knew I wasnt an option he would settle for dad so going out or hiding away is a good idea. Sometimes hed be happliy settled with dad and if I walked into the room would cry for me!

OP, my EBF daughter showed NO interest whatsoever in my husband (her father) until she was getting on for a year old. They just don’t care about anyone else other than their mother, or other primary carer, until they become old enough to start noticing others and building relationships with them.

To be entirely honest with you, she’s now nearly 4 and thoroughly enjoying lockdown as she gets me all to herself. She’s never been clingy and I always made myself available to her when she was a baby. Always going to her didn’t make her clingy so don’t let anyone tell you this will happen - it actually creates securely attached children.

Also, the feeding to sleep is fine. I didn’t sleep train my daughter, and she worked out how to fall asleep on her own at around 2 1/2. It gets to a point where it just doesn’t work anymore.

‘Boobs to sleep’ has to be one of the most cringe worthy, eyeball itching, awful sayings I’ve heard! How can the OP even type that? Who speaks like that? ‘Boobs to sleep’ ? Kill me

Nice one @Secretsinspitalfield did you think you were original here or did you just want to join in with the bullies?

Mumsnet is shameful sometimes.

@Iris27 hardly ‘bullying’. Get a grip

I think joining in with repeatedly having a go at someone about a three word phrase and pathetically saying "kill me" is bullying actually.

And not even offering advice on the issue either.

What was the point of your comment other than to make the OP feel bad? Why do you come on mumsnet?