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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is abnormal or is it totally normal..

180 replies

Tjsmumma · 18/04/2020 18:24

Hi,

My DD is 4 months tomorrow so 17 weeks.

EBF, loves me to absolute pieces and im sure she loves DF as well but, she just does not settle for him, he can't get her to sleep (she boobs to sleep) i cant be out the room for more than 5 minutes without her getting not upset but aggy, and shouting out 'ma ma' for me, she can be in an absolute state for him, but, as soon as i return and she sees me, she stops instantly and smiles.

Obviously, this makes him feel awful, so, i think he sort of expects it and im not sure if she feeds of this or what, but, it's really getting me down.

I feel like, if i can't even leave her with him for an hour or even while i do dinner, when all this is over how on earth am i going to go out or do anything without her? Not saying i want to or anything like that, but, obviously every mum needs space.

I've seen mums i know, more FF babies but some BF babies be left within the first 12 weeks, without seemingly no problems, maybe there was but i dont know.

I'm not really sure what the point to this post is other than to ask, AIBU to think this is abnormal and wanting her to be able to settle for others?

Will this change? Am i doing the complete wrong thing BF? I absolutely love thid journey and thankfully its been so darn easy apart from this, but, im absolutely stressed about it now, i keep trying to suggest things that may work and it doesn't and I love my DD SO much but, god, id love a nice long bath without worrying.

Am i being an awful mum thinking like this?
Any tips? Or will it pass on its own? Is it just simply because im breastfeeding?

Sorry 😞

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 18/04/2020 19:07

OP are you using a dummy? Or something else to help settle baby?

Rhianna1980 · 18/04/2020 19:08

Both mine were bf until well over 1.5 years. They didn’t want to know daddy during that. Once weaned they slowly got used to him and now they love him to bits.

Original poster
Tjsmumma · 18/04/2020 19:09

@FreakStar clearly you havent read any of the comments.

OP posts:
Samtsirch · 18/04/2020 19:10

My daughter was like this until 6 months old and I do remember sometimes feeling trapped and frustrated, but trying to change it until she was ready just stressed everyone out.
She decided herself when she no longer needed physical contact 24/7
(6 months) and I’m sure things will slowly change for you and your daughter as she develops and wants more independence.
I wouldn’t feel guilty for taking some time for yourself every now and then though, she may cry but so long as she’s not in danger/ in pain she will survive 😁

Original poster
Tjsmumma · 18/04/2020 19:13

@Crabbo he does absolutely loads for her, she's fine with some bits, obviously i get her to sleep etc but yeah, i love her to pieces and i love being a mum and feel absolutely awful for even thinking it, if im honest. God knows, someone seems to always have a problem with at least one thing on every post.

@Lazypuppy no, we dont use dummies, we do have one, she is teething as well, i just know dummies can be tricky to get rid of as they get older is all, do you think its worth it? As im obviously her dummy

@Rhianna1980 thank you, makes me feel a bit better knowing it wjll eventually come. I think it's partly to do with feeding and comfort but dont want to introduce formula just because I want some time alone

OP posts:
TheWordmeister · 18/04/2020 19:14

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CanICelebrate · 18/04/2020 19:14

@Tjsmumma in my experience (which is only EBF) it is normal and will change over time. Mine would only settle for me and with dc1 I tried to get them to settle for dh but didn’t try too hard with dc2and3 but it happened in the end.
I don’t think you’re unreasonable for using boob as a verb! I used the verb ‘to boob’ for the 6 years I BF for and miss being able to use it Smile
MN is weird about stuff like that and unkind or unhelpful comments will derail a thread quickly Flowers

feelinguseless78 · 18/04/2020 19:15

I don't understand it either OP. I use "boobs to sleep" "on the boob" etc. Nowt so queer as folk.

UnaCorda · 18/04/2020 19:16

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CanICelebrate · 18/04/2020 19:16

Mine were BF for over 2 years and it was only in the EBF/ little baby phase that they mostly wanted me. With dc3 I worked full time and BF!

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 18/04/2020 19:18

I would definitely recommend a dummy. I was completely against the idea of them before mine were born but when they came along I couldn't deal with the heartbreak of hearing them cry. If she is EBF then she has nothing else to comfort her when you're not there. When she's old enough to talk to about getting rid of her dummy, you'll have a whole new level of stamina xx

CanICelebrate · 18/04/2020 19:19

@UnaCorda of course boob isn’t technically a verb but lots of BF mums use it and there’s no problem with that! I used boob as a verb for years when I BF and it was funny and completely harmless - people on this thread @TheWordmeister need to get a grip!

Pickles89 · 18/04/2020 19:21

Try wearing one of her muslins inside your bra for a while, and give it to your OH to have draped against him when you hand her over. The smell will be reassuring.

Original poster
Tjsmumma · 18/04/2020 19:21

@TheWordmeister then take yourself off the thread if its such a bother to you 🙄 Do you seriously just like to kick people when down, give nothing in topic or just in general a prick?

@UnaCorda ah sorry, i forgot i was in an English class, get off the thread then.

@CanICelebrate i only said it because i see a lot of others use it and i myself say it. Oh well, great way to make people feel a lot worse about themselves! Seems like im being totally unreasonable thinking like this though, obviously not a nice thing to think about a little one and im probably not the best mum for thinking it and should probably rethink a lot of things. Thanks tho

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 18/04/2020 19:21

Ime getting a dummy off a toddler is much easier than getting a baby to sleep without you as a dummy....

Namesgonenow · 18/04/2020 19:22

Hello.

Typing this whilst side lying feeding my 12 week old baby. She is exclusively breastfed and has been left from get go no probs. So nothing to do with feeding method.

“Boobs to sleep” is very popular on some cliquey intensive breastfeeding circles. But “boob” is not a verb like feed or eat. Boob is an object - a noun - like Breast. It would make no sense to say “she breasts to sleep” now would it? Like right this moment by 12 week old is NOT breasting to sleep. She is “feeding to sleep” or even “BFing to sleep”. Just as I won’t say she “breasts to sleep” I equally won’t say she “boobs to sleep”.

The other reason why it irks some people is that this sort of language “boob to sleep”’ or “ I am
Boobing” is used by a certain type of person who virtue signals a lot around various attachment parenting practices. This doesn’t mean you are doing the same - it just has associations with that on occasion. Plus really gratingly incorrect - like I said you wouldn’t say “she breasts to sleep”.

Namesgonenow · 18/04/2020 19:24

Oh cross posted. Yeah - no - you can’t really tell people to get off the thread. Doesn’t work that way here. Or any forum for that matter.

CanICelebrate · 18/04/2020 19:25

@Tjsmumma i hope you didn’t misunderstand my comments - I don’t think your unreasonable at all for wanting her to settle for others - I was just trying to reassure you not to worry if she doesn’t because she will one day. I remember the longing for a bath in peace! And you’re absolutely not an awful mum Flowers Brew

Everydayimhuffling · 18/04/2020 19:25

Totally normal and will lessen and maybe change completely. My 15 month old has definitely changed to DP being her favourite in the last month, but I do think that wouldn't have happened if he hadn't persisted and worked on building a relationship with her. He had to deal with her crying every time I left her with him for quite a long time.

randomer · 18/04/2020 19:29

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AllTheseThingsThatIHaveNotDone · 18/04/2020 19:30

It's normal OP. Brew Cake Flowers
As to the language nazis, boob is a verb, it means to make a silly mistake Wink Grin Tis in the dictionary and everything!
But as to piling in on the OP for using it for bf, it really wasn't needed, was it?

Original poster
Tjsmumma · 18/04/2020 19:31

Thanks, clearly im just obviously rubbish in all aspects. Shit at everything, clearly 👍

Sorry for using a phrase which is clearly unacceptable and being unreasonable for thinking this is abnormal. Must need to re think a lot of things.

Ill leave you all to make a mockery of me, my parenting and my choice of phrases.

OP posts:
FridayFlowers · 18/04/2020 19:32

She is 3 months old!

  1. She does not say mama
  2. She is just out of the third trimester. Probably only just realising that you and her are separate beings! Your expectations are more in line with a much older and in my experience distance is something that develops as the child gets older and starts to build relationships with others. My 12mo is breastfed and has probably only been ok being left with dad since about 8mo when he started to build a relationship with him. This is totally normal. Unfortunately the first few months of parenting can be very intense but your baby is developing a secure attachment to you. This is 100% normal. Find ways to have your "me time" in other ways. An e-book to read as she feeds, ask dad to rock/bounce to sleep for a nap using a sling or carrier. But please remember she is 3 months old and adjust your expectations accordingly
LookTheOtherWayPlease · 18/04/2020 19:32

I dislike the phrase too, but someone mentioned it almost immediately. After that, couldn't we just leave people with the relevant experience/advice to help?

For what it's worth, I've never understood taking part in any unnecessary behaviour that is getting you down. If your dd is just looking for something to suck as a comfort to fall asleep and it would help her bonding with her DF, let her use a dummy. Yes, they can be a faff to wean off in future, but that's something for future you (and probably a less tired you) to deal with. I didn't find it a big deal honestly.

MouthBreathingRage · 18/04/2020 19:33

My second was so attached to me that I sometimes wonder if his father knew what his face looked like before the age of 1.

I have to (nicely) ask though, @Tjsmumma, is everything ok with yourself? I've just happened to notice that you've started many threads about your daughter over the past few days. It's absolutely natural to worry with a first baby, but dont let those worries become obsessions.

Telling people to 'get off your thread' for some leg-pulling isn't really polite behaviour either. Yes, MN is very pernickety about language, but that's just something you have put up with on this site.