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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Multiple children

423 replies

UnaCorda · 17/04/2020 21:03

I'll probably be accused of being goady for asking this, but I would genuinely like to hear people's thoughts and explanations.

What causes people to decide to have a large family? I mean, assuming it was planned, what did you expect to get out of having four, five or six children - or more - that you didn't get from the first one, two or three? Did it turn out how you imagined?

Obviously this will vary between couples, but do people dispassionately consider the impact on their finances, the available space in their home, demands on their time, the effect on existing children, the toll it takes on your body, and the ramifications for the planet?

Or is it simply a question of procreation being an instinctual drive which, for a lot of people, is too strong to ignore and overrides all practicalities?

Also, if you would have liked to have had a large family but decided against it, what influenced your decision?

Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:

StillCounting123 · 17/04/2020 21:18

I have 5 DC, all 10 years old and younger and I am loving life.

All planned (well, the last 2 were twins) and we had a miscarriage in between babies number 2 & 3.

My DH earns enough income to enable me to be a SAHM, and we don't claim benefits.

We think that having multiple children is a blessing and we are thankful for each of their characters, quirks and what they bring to our lives, and we are happy giving them time, energy and attention.

Having multiple kids is a manifestation of the love DH and I have for each other (I know that sounds wanky) and having them has really opened our eyes to each other and our relationship and made it stronger.

Our house is plenty big and we have large car. I don't have a passport and don't travel abroad, so I think this offsets any bad carbon footprint.

I have to admit my body is a bit ravaged, but it's worth it all! I don't think I'm too bad for my age, thanks very much!

For me, I think it was a mix of biological urge to procreate, and also a thought out plan. We aren't planning to have DC6, but would be happy enough if it happened.

mathanxiety · 17/04/2020 21:20

What causes someone to be curious about this?

troppibambini · 17/04/2020 21:20

Ok I'll bite.
I have four and two step children. The reasons for having a large family were mainly I loved the idea of them always having someone to play with and to support each other.
A bit idealistic I know but it probably stems from my own childhood. I'm an only child and was brought up my mum on her own. She worked a lot (not her faualt) but I was alone a lot. It wasn't what I want for my own family.
I'm a sahm, we are comfortable financially, have a large five bed house so everyone has their own room. When they were younger (they're 15,9,6 and 5 now) it was hard. The third was only 14 weeks when I found out I was pregnant again so had 3 under 4.
But basically at the moment my life is very focused around my kids. As I said I don't work. I socialise and have plenty of time to myself now they're at school.
My body is ok. Backs a bit achey sometimes.
I have time to do one on one with them so I feel they do get the attention they need.
I would find life a lot lot harder if I was trying to work as well.

Cautionsharpblade · 17/04/2020 21:22

I don't travel abroad, so I think this offsets any bad carbon footprint (of 5 children)

BullshitVivienne · 17/04/2020 21:22

I'm interested too - mainly because having two kids is utterly exhausting me at the moment and could never imagine having the energy for more. Plus money etc.

IdentifyasTired · 17/04/2020 21:23

Are you really unable to figure this out for yourself?

Why do people choose to have 4, 5 or 6 children?

For exactly the same reasons they have 1 or 2.

They want to.
They can.

Go ask Helena Morrissey. She had 9 children. Why? Because she enjoyed it.

SickOfLockdown · 17/04/2020 21:24

If you can afford them it’s no problem. I’d love 4 kids but I can’t afford it. I have 2.

My friend is 30 and has 7 kids, one more on the way

XylophoneSymphony · 17/04/2020 21:25

Some people just want to have a big family 🤷‍♀️
Many reasons for it, in my circle of friends I’ve heard various reasons :
‘I love newborn babies’
‘I love having a full busy house full of children’
‘I was an only child and was so lonely’

I suppose as long as you can adequately provide for all the children you have there’s no reason not to have a large family

Original poster

UnaCorda · 17/04/2020 21:25

What causes someone to be curious about this?

I don't think it's so peculiar to be interested in and curious about something that's outside your own experience, is it?

Thanks for the informative answers; both very interesting. (Not sure why the biscuit, but hey-ho.)

OP posts:

XylophoneSymphony · 17/04/2020 21:26

And by adequately provide for I mean emotionally and with time as well as with food clothes etc

Namechange8471 · 17/04/2020 21:26

This thread is awful op, you’re coming across as self righteous and goady!

and what did you expect to get out of having four, five or six children - or more - that you didn't get from the first one, two or three?

You’re making very rude assumptions here op, I hope you get you’re arse handed to you!

for what it’s worth I have one child, completely by personal choice.

LipsyGirl · 17/04/2020 21:28

People love big families. The problem is an unspecified percentage can’t feckin afford them & expect everybody else to foot the bill

BlackeyedSusan · 17/04/2020 21:28

only two, but babies are lovely. I wish I could have had more. turns out that it was a good thing we didn't.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 17/04/2020 21:28

Are you really unable to figure this out for yourself?

I can surmise, but that's not the same as hearing from people who have experienced it.

Why do people choose to have 4, 5 or 6 children? For exactly the same reasons they have 1 or 2.

But having 4, 5 or 6 is not the same as having 1 or 2. It's an entirely different lifestyle, surely?

OP posts:

Hadjab · 17/04/2020 21:29

Why do people only have one child? Why do some have none? Because they want to??

ScarletFever · 17/04/2020 21:30

@mathanxiety

What causes someone to be curious about this?

Well I cant imagine anything worse than having loads of children. I have 2, and that's enough for me, financially, emotionally its enough. I'm 1 of 4

I dont understand why anyone would want more dc

(Does that help)

formerbabe · 17/04/2020 21:31

Actually I find it fascinating.

I think some women must be made of different stuff than me

I have 5 DC, all 10 years old and younger and I am loving life,

This would honestly make me so depressed and stressed. I mean good for you for being happy and enjoying your life but I just couldn't cope. I honestly wonder why some women love this but I would hate it. So interesting.

OneandTwenty · 17/04/2020 21:32

I have 4, it's hardly a "large" family.

i wanted a big family. I thought I would have to stop at 2, then our finances got better so we had another 2. If I could afford it, I would have had 1 or 2 more. Unfortunately, the decision about having children is purely financial.

Why would anyone wants a child?

OneandTwenty · 17/04/2020 21:33

But having 4, 5 or 6 is not the same as having 1 or 2. It's an entirely different lifestyle, surely?

hasn't it occur to you that for many people, it's not a choice as such. It's what they can afford...

PlanDeRaccordement · 17/04/2020 21:33

We have 4 but do not consider it a large family. My DH is one of 13, I am eldest of 7. All from same parents. Neither were blended families.

We thought 4 was a good number and we did consider finances, house size, health impacts, also how old we would be when the youngest would be independent. I wanted to be done having babies by age 30, and we were. We also did not want to be in our 40s/50s with young children. DH is older than me.

Ginfordinner · 17/04/2020 21:36

Are you really unable to figure this out for yourself?

Like another PP I can't imagine what it is like to want a large family, so, no doubt this is why the OP asked. To me it it sounds like far too much drudgery - all that cooking, washing, cleaning, getting kids ready for bed, school runs, the stress of teenagers and the emotional worries they bring with friendship issues, bullying, relationships, drugs, GCSEs, A levels, UCAS, supporting them through university etc.

Each to their own.

Wannabangbang · 17/04/2020 21:36

I love the hustle and bustle of family life and I'm happy in the knowledge my children will have close family when I'm long gone. I love watching them interact with eachother and watching them all grow all uniquely.
More children, more love to give and lots of love back. I have 5 dc

Original poster

UnaCorda · 17/04/2020 21:36

hasn't it occur to you that for many people, it's not a choice as such. It's what they can afford...

That suggests that finances are the only reason that people don't keep on having children. I don't think that's the case. (Obviously some people would have more if they could afford to, but that's not what you said.)

OP posts:

IdentifyasTired · 17/04/2020 21:37

Of course having 4 or more is the same as having 1 or 2. They all need love and attention and nurturing. Some people enjoy it more than others and feel able to provide that to a larger number of children.
A different lifestyle? Not for everyone. We have 4 by choice. She still have holidays, 2 cars, own our house, the kids still do extra curricular activities, music lessons, swimming etc. They still have bedtime stories read to them and home cooked food. They have a SAHM who is always able to attend plays and assemblies, sports days etc. They miss out on nothing I would argue.
It sounds crass but we are able to live comfortably on one income and support a larger family. Would we have more money if we had less children? Sure. But the same goes for every parent regardless of how many they have.

fuckinghellthisshit · 17/04/2020 21:37

I am from one - really big, so big I won't say how many siblings as it could out me! More than 10, put it that way.
In my case my DM and F were addicted to babies. Totally addicted, couldn't stop, even when told to by a Dr.

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