Multiple children

[UnaCorda]

I'll probably be accused of being goady for asking this, but I would genuinely like to hear people's thoughts and explanations.

What causes people to decide to have a large family? I mean, assuming it was planned, what did you expect to get out of having four, five or six children - or more - that you didn't get from the first one, two or three? Did it turn out how you imagined?

Obviously this will vary between couples, but do people dispassionately consider the impact on their finances, the available space in their home, demands on their time, the effect on existing children, the toll it takes on your body, and the ramifications for the planet?

Or is it simply a question of procreation being an instinctual drive which, for a lot of people, is too strong to ignore and overrides all practicalities?

Also, if you would have liked to have had a large family but decided against it, what influenced your decision?

Thanks for your thoughts.

Surely a better question would be: If money were no object how many children would you have?

As judging by the answers here the main thing stopping people from having large families is money.

I'm also not seeing religion mentioned overtly here. But lots of religions mandate large families as the ideal (cynically I wonder as a method of growing their followers).

Surely a better question would be: If money were no object how many children would you have?

Maybe 'in an ideal world how many would you have'. We weren't stopped by money, I didn't want to go through pregnancy and the small baby stage again (which I hated and found having 3DC in less than 5 years exhausting, now they are older it's wonderful) but if that had been less effort I think having children is endlessly fascinating, seeing how your genes mix each time and watching how they develop. I know some people love babies (DM, whose 4DC definitely likes babies more than me) but I don't think that's true of everyone. Maybe the question should be turned on its head 'why did you choose to have such a small family? After all in the west we now have such small families we aren't replacing the population, and I think the increase in 1or 2 child families increases the parents focus on the child. Is that better? Has there been statistical analysis of the impact of helicopter parenting?

I don't know that "lots" of religions mandate that.

I wanted to have a big family when I was younger. What changed my mind was not money but the reality of parenting - it's exhausting!

I suppose yes if I had unlimited money, I could afford a driver, chef, cleaner, and loads of activities, toys and books.

Presumably to have a large family you need to start quite young, I didn't feel maternal until I was into my 30's. I would have liked 3 children but that would have meant having another at 40 and then they would have been dependent until we were very nearly retired. I just could not have coped with more than two in reality. Several of my friends have 4 children and I do see these as very happy families, but for me I didn't want to have being a mother as my main role.
I don't feel critical of larger families, I think its a lovely idea, but not a situation I can even begin to comprehend living in.

I do admire those with bigger families. Alot of my friends have 3. I agree with another post parenting is exhausting. Holidays get expensive too

I'm one of 6 girls. I hated it. The two eldest (of which I am one) spent most of our time looking after the others. My sisters went on to have 3/4 children each. We are not close as a family but we get on well and meet up a couple of times a year.

I started ttc at 22 and was hoping to have 3 but gave up at 37 after being told it was never going to happen. Then at 39 I fell pregnant and again at 41.

but when people are planning later children do they take into consideration if the child were to be disabled and the impact that might have on the lives of the children they already have?

I absolutely considered this with both my pregnancies. At the age of 40 I felt compelled to consider what would happen if we weren't there for the child as older parents. There were some risks with my first, we went for a Nuchal scan and had already decided the % at which we would consider a termination beforehand. When I fell pregnant a second time we took every test available and, again, would have terminated had any major problems shown up. The second decision was based on us being older parents, and not wanting DS1 to have responsibility if anything happened to us. Thankfully both were fine and are now 18 & 21 yrs old.

I have 5,ages range from 3-18, I always wanted 6 but I'm sticking at 5.

My reasons for wanting 6.
I love big family's.

My reasons for sticking at 5.
My 5th is a terror and I like my sleep.

How much of a toll does having more than 4 children take on your body?

I keep reading on MN about prolapses, incontinence, childbirth injuries etc. Do these only happen to a small minority of women?

People have children because they love them and want them. Others don't have them.

I'd love at least a couple more, but that's looking increasingly unlikely due to premature ovarian ageing and IVF clinics being shut down during CV19. I don't begrudge anyone the children they want to have, unless they are unable to support them financially and emotionally (and TBH either circumstance can change at any point so really I don't think anyone should be judging unless they KNOW parents went into it knowing they'd not ever be able to meet their children's needs).

I have four.

I like kids.

We can afford it. We can devote the time and attention.

Not going to lie, the fact that we had three boys probably swayed our decision a little when it came to the fourth, hoping it would be a girl. I know I'll probably be shot down for that, but That's how we genuinely felt.

Baby number four was a girl

Had she been a boy, we would have absolutely loved him all the same and definitely wouldn't have had another because that would have meant a new house (and four bed houses don't come up to rent very often), new car, and would have stretched us beyond our means, and I don't feel like I could have given them the attention they deserve.

Four is proving to be a great number for us. We feel balanced and we feel done.

To add, four children (all under 9) doesn't feel like hard work or like a big family. They all get along, we have lots of fun together. I don't feel any more stressed than I did when I had one or two; if anything , I'm
More chilled now because of age and experience.

HavelockVetinari hugs and I hope it all works out for you

Ah thanks @stayathomer we're luckier than many as we do have our gorgeous DS, but we would love another (or 3!). We've had 7 rounds of IVF though so I'm realistic, and grateful every day for what we have.

I think some people have 2 because it's seen as acceptable these days,
1 - fear they will be spoilt/lonely
2 - fine (unless both of the same gender)
3 - also fine but I think a lot of people think of the financial implications of having more than 2 and weigh it against the benefits of having another when they've already got 2
4 + seen as a large family these days

I thought I wanted 4 when I was younger, currently have 1 with another on the way. I will just see how it goes, thinking about finances, free time, holidays, attention I can give them etc
Could maybe see me waiting 3/4 years then having a 3rd

The thought of having any more than one child horrifies me. One is plenty and keeps my 100% busy!

I know no one asked me, but I can't think of anything worse than having two or more children. Each to their own though I guess!

@westenddweller I have 4, and can definitely see why some people would actively avoid my ‘lifestyle!!’

Green - hats off, but I chase my tail with one. Huge respect to anyone who can enjoy having more than that

I always wanted four. Just the whole image of the big happy family sat round the dinner table or playing games together I suppose.

Had my first in a bad relationship and (perhaps stupidly but I’m being honest here) decided to have another with the same person so that even if I never met anyone else I’d still have two and they’d have each other.

Now have two more in a good relationship. 10 year gap.

At the moment we don’t really have the family I dreamt of, we’re too tired and too busy with drudgery. I don’t always cope with the noise or chaos or mess. My heart often sinks when I hear “mum...?”. By the time the younger ones are in bed and we’ve got everything straight we don’t really want to play games with the older ones. If we try to play games during the day the baby trashes them! But the youngest is only a baby and I know from experience that once they start sleeping better and being able to play independently it gets a lot easier. I worry about my older ones missing out as they are invariably the ones who get less attention but last week they both (separately) asked me to have another one so they can’t feel that hard done by!

Despite the gloomy picture I have painted I actually love having four and would have more if it weren’t for the knackered-ness! They all bring me so much joy, individually and together. I’d need a cleaner though.

I have three siblings and my partner has four. We have one child and neither of us want another. One of my closest friends told me how much she was struggling with her two dc but she planned to have a third and now has. It's not something I'd ever ask her about but it does confuse me a bit.

As the parent of 2 children I seem to embody the MN ideal- but why exactly is it the ideal? If it's about the environment, why might we not equally decide that 1 is the right number and start threads laying into parents of 2? Who decides that the boundary between socially responsible and feckless goes at the third child?

Again, who decides that it's the third or fourth child who will miss out on meaningful 1-1 time and not the second child?

People also forget that the child can have meaningful 1:1 time with a sibling.

I have two DC and I was one of two. I am really close to my sister and would have loved more siblings. I'd have loved for my own DC to have more, but I know I couldn't cope with more.

I do wonder why so many on here put one on one time with parents as being preferable to having many siblings.

I'd have preferred the latter.

Very much agree with that, Greenmarmalade. Much as I love my parents, I am not sure that I would want to swop all the good times I had with my brothers, all the great talks and support and fun, for more 1-1 time with just those two adults. And I know that when things have been tough for my children, they have been able to support each other in a way their dad and I were not able to do, not because we didn't have time but because we belonged to a different generation and some things may just be too painful to talk to your parents about.

I’d have loved more kids!
I fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, love giving birth too. It’s very instinctive for some women. I had to stop at 3 due to finances, but if I won the lottery I’d be popping a good few more out! My Irish maternal nan had “just” three due to fertility issues and she was very much an oddity. 9/10/11 was the norm. My paternal nan had 16. I’ll never forget the day she died and the nurse said only her children were allowed in to the bay due to space. Well that was all sixteen then (they sorted her a side room out in the end). She was surrounded by love at her death.

I love having kids and if I won the lottery I wouldn’t work and so I would have loads of time.

Society makes it difficult to have a large family unless you’re very wealthy. Which I’m not.

Better put the lottery on - I’m 32 so technically could still have more. Just need to get lucky .

I have two children and would have loved more but I had very difficult pregnancies and SPD was a problem in my last one, so I decided to stop at two. Also, finances. We wanted our kids to have as many opportunities as possible and a lot of them come with price tags! I am an only child and I didn't want any of my children to feel alone - I wanted them to have as big a family as possible to be part of once myself and DH are gone. Oh, well. They will have to do for each other! Luckily, they are good friends.