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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Multiple children

423 replies

UnaCorda · 17/04/2020 21:03

I'll probably be accused of being goady for asking this, but I would genuinely like to hear people's thoughts and explanations.

What causes people to decide to have a large family? I mean, assuming it was planned, what did you expect to get out of having four, five or six children - or more - that you didn't get from the first one, two or three? Did it turn out how you imagined?

Obviously this will vary between couples, but do people dispassionately consider the impact on their finances, the available space in their home, demands on their time, the effect on existing children, the toll it takes on your body, and the ramifications for the planet?

Or is it simply a question of procreation being an instinctual drive which, for a lot of people, is too strong to ignore and overrides all practicalities?

Also, if you would have liked to have had a large family but decided against it, what influenced your decision?

Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:

Styledbyserpents · 19/08/2020 19:10

We have 5. We have a huge fuck off house and plenty of dosh. That do ya?

Leaannb · 19/08/2020 19:23

@UnaCorda

What causes someone to be curious about this?

I don't think it's so peculiar to be interested in and curious about something that's outside your own experience, is it?

Thanks for the informative answers; both very interesting. (Not sure why the biscuit, but hey-ho.)

Its really rude though. You wouldn't ask a childless or childfree couple about their reproductive decisions, you wouldn't ask why some one had just one. You wouldn't ask why someone had an abortion. What makes you think this is OK? Its not. Other peoples uterus is not any of your business

Pringlemonster · 19/08/2020 19:37

I was an only child
Didn’t want my kids to be lonely
I’ve got 4 dc

sausagepastapot · 19/08/2020 19:50

I don't think you're goady at all OP, and I find it really interesting too. This is a chat forum, it's what it is for ffs

We had two before I was 30, that was my 'aim'. One of each. We can't afford any more.

I love my job and run my own business which is pretty successful. I don't want to take another year off or piss about with childcare so I can work.

I nearly had a breakdown with both kids through lack of sleep so I can't ever put myself through it again. Our marriage is still very strained as we struggle with the two that we have oftentimes.

MidnightCitrus · 19/08/2020 19:54

@Namechange8471

This thread is awful op, you’re coming across as self righteous and goady!

and what did you expect to get out of having four, five or six children - or more - that you didn't get from the first one, two or three?

You’re making very rude assumptions here op, I hope you get you’re arse handed to you!

for what it’s worth I have one child, completely by personal choice.

Why, personally i would hate to have a big family, i have 2 and thats enough. I didnt want a big family, with lots of baby/toddler years to get through, and financially, I wanted to be able to have holidays, and not be struggling

Thats enough for me, so it is interesting to know what drives other people

MidnightCitrus · 19/08/2020 19:56

Of course you can on an anonymous forum, fucking hell, its a place for chat. You don't have to answer, no ones knows or cares if you just ignore it

riotlady · 19/08/2020 19:56

I grew up quite lonely- my parents worked a lot, I have a sister but she wasn’t born until I was 8- and I always dreamed of having loads of siblings and then later having a big family of my own. I always loved all the books about large families- The Family From One End Street, What Katy Did, Treasure Seekers, etc. I have one DD now however and have sadly come to realise that my mental health is probably a bit too fragile to push myself into going through the baby/toddler years and all the sleepless nights multiple times. I hope to have one more in a couple of years and that’ll be it. I owe it to my existing child not to sacrifice my mental health and my ability to parent well to hypothetical future children, iyswim.

Pacif1cDogwood · 19/08/2020 19:59

What influenced your decision wrt your family planning, UnaCorda?

You have been given lots of very personal information and stories and have not volunteered any yourself.

Is this going in to some kind of article?
There are some MN rules regarding that kind of thing.

Ugzbugz · 19/08/2020 20:07

I find it interesting to and love hearing about big families and watching the Radfords. I thought I wanted 4 but had 1 and then became single and to old to have anymore and had a DC that didnt sleep well for many years and my face is wrecked, I was exhausted and still am and just wish I was made of tougher stuff!

I know I will regret not having more children but tbh I found it harder than I thought in younger years so maybe it's for the best!

corythatwas · 19/08/2020 20:09

Not me, but my parents had 3 biological children and then adopted the 4th. Their reasoning behind the adoption was (as far as I have heard) that they felt if they wanted another child and there were children who wanted a family, the two might as well come together.

The reason for having 4 was, I think, that they felt they had the emotional and financial resources and that it would be a joyous thing all round. It was a joyous thing all round. We had lots of fun, there was always someone to have fun with. We still have great fun as adults, and until Covid we all used to meet up in the same small house in the summer.

They were not rich but had very reliable incomes (teachers), housing was cheaper in those days, children demanded less, and they were energetic people who genuinely enjoyed the extra work and challenge.

In later years, I have known my mother to gaze round a table seating some dozen or so of her descendants and murmur sadly "it looks so...empty". Her idea of a happy day is one where she can have all her brood around her.

These days, they would probably have restricted their biological children from considerations to the planet, but might well have adopted 2 already existing children instead.

OnceUponATimeInHollywood · 19/08/2020 20:11

We have two kids. We don’t want anymore. We can most certainly afford more if we wanted but for me, I don’t see how it’s possible to give 1-1 time to each child individually if the ration is 2/4 or 5. Someone surely will be missing out (although lots will deny this)

Lots of people have more than the average whether they can financially afford it or not. I’m not sure people take the impact it’ll have on the planet in to consideration or not, I know I most certainly didn’t but then I never truly understood it until recently at the grand age of 30. 😆

sweetkitty · 19/08/2020 20:14

We have four DC, both DH and I come from very small families and we wanted our children to have some more siblings. I love having four they are all amazing and so different. All four were very much planned.

We live in a 5 bed house in Scotland, I was a SAHM for 12 years, I’ve worked part time now work full time. The DC don’t miss out they have holidays and things like horse riding lessons.

Time2change2 · 19/08/2020 20:16

Because you know that having a large family can be so amazingly lovely. If you come from a big family and you had a happy time, you want to replicate that. Family life is extremely different if you have 2 kids to if you have 4

corythatwas · 19/08/2020 20:25

I feel very strongly that dh and I made the right choice to only have 2. My health did not permit more and I was the kind of person who wanted to focus seriously on my career, whereas my parents were people who were happy just think of it more as a job. We had a smaller house and our income was less secure. We have enjoyed our children very much.

But there is no doubt that sometimes I have felt that our home life is a little bit...well, dull... in comparison.

Babyroobs · 19/08/2020 20:25

I have four. If I had my time again I most likely wouldn't. Last two weren't really planned to be honest. It's very expensive, worrying and stressful. We can afford them and don't claim benefits.

ladybee28 · 19/08/2020 20:36

@Pacif1cDogwood

What influenced your decision wrt your family planning, UnaCorda?

You have been given lots of very personal information and stories and have not volunteered any yourself.

Is this going in to some kind of article?
There are some MN rules regarding that kind of thing.

This thread is months old – if it was article research it's long been published.

HelloHolaGutenMorgen · 19/08/2020 20:41

I don't know for everyone, but about three months after my ds was born I had an incredible urge to have another. I haven't and we're still waiting (he's around 8 months). We're waiting like we waited to have him, for various logical reasons.
But honestly, I think about it every night. Almost eats away at me. So bloody broody 🙈 And if I get this every time I have a child, I can imagine it being very hard to stop. I already can't wait to see what another one will look like! Who's eyes, what sex, personalty, what the labour will be like, how they'll interact with each other. I want them to have each other and never feel alone.

For a lot of people that is the biggest most important thing they will do.

HelloHolaGutenMorgen · 19/08/2020 20:42

if you get it, you get it!

For example I can't get any anyone would ever want to have multiple relationships. I'd rather just stick with one for life, don't care that I've only ever been with one person. 🤷‍♀️

DipSwimSwoosh · 19/08/2020 20:48

I am one of four, dh is one of four. We enjoyed our childhoods and love our siblings and wanted to offer that to our own children. We planned four but had three. Watching their relationships develop is amazing. They have playmates, love and support from the outset. I am glad that each of my children has siblings and not just one sibling. If I had more time, money, patience and health on my side Inwould have had more, as I believe a loving family is the basis of everything, and the more people close to you the better.

Windyjuly · 19/08/2020 20:51

Op, I have 2 dc and have had virtually zero support. My own dp died long ago, no one to help or watch them and for many years we lived on the bare bones of our arse, so I could stay at home with dc.

I want to give dc an ok standard of life. 10 grand Disney holidays or indeed any holiday going onto 1000s is out of our league.

Dc2 nearly finished me off. But I would have adored more dc if I could have the help! If dh or I had tiny bit more money and very slightly bigger house.
There is no way I could have more without slipping into overwhelmed home, cluttered, washing not done etc!!

I'm not the right personality and my set up ie dh wouldn't work for it.
There is an ex I think of! Super wealthy and took care of things, I reckon with him I would have had 4 at least, with nannies, help, lots of life's luxeries.. Medical care.

My gm had 8, Catholic. Her dh my gp was very soft and passive. She ran a super tight ship on very small dh income. Got some dc to private school, some to grammar... Music lessons... I don't know how she did it! She was very strict and quite simple in her tastes and wants apparently.

CarrotCakeCrumbs · 19/08/2020 21:00

Lots of reasons for and against a large family. For me personally I wanted a large family because I had a terrible childhood. I felt I had a lot of love to give and wanted to give them the opposite of what my parents gave me. I would have loved a large family, I love the two children I have, it isn't a feeling of 'missing something' but a feeling of we could add to our already amazing family.

As it happens whilst my partner and I would love more children; myself and my daughter almost died in my last pregnancy and so as much as I would love another baby I need to be here for the ones I have already. I still feel I have a lot of love to give though and have looked into fostering when my girls are older.

user1468538201 · 19/08/2020 21:21

Curiosity

Bassettgirl · 19/08/2020 21:43

I had the standard two though would have liked three. I am also quite fascinated by people who want more than four as three would have been my absolute upper limit mentally, physically, emotionally and financially.

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