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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Multiple children

423 replies

UnaCorda · 17/04/2020 21:03

I'll probably be accused of being goady for asking this, but I would genuinely like to hear people's thoughts and explanations.

What causes people to decide to have a large family? I mean, assuming it was planned, what did you expect to get out of having four, five or six children - or more - that you didn't get from the first one, two or three? Did it turn out how you imagined?

Obviously this will vary between couples, but do people dispassionately consider the impact on their finances, the available space in their home, demands on their time, the effect on existing children, the toll it takes on your body, and the ramifications for the planet?

Or is it simply a question of procreation being an instinctual drive which, for a lot of people, is too strong to ignore and overrides all practicalities?

Also, if you would have liked to have had a large family but decided against it, what influenced your decision?

Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
NeedToKnow101 · 17/04/2020 23:18

@putastrawunderbaby - "Sadly my xdh left me for a younger woman once I couldn't give him any more children and he now has one on the way with her. "
After creating 12 children with you? What an absolute prick? How much maintenance does he pay? Do any of them live with him?

Desiringonlychild · 17/04/2020 23:18

@ANoiseAnnoys well people may not have one child because the value of siblings is not very high when there are people who would criticize their own brother on Mumsnet for being childless?!

mydogisthebest · 17/04/2020 23:18

Anyone who has more than 2 children is incredibly selfish and pretty stupid.

The planet IS overpopulated and certainly anyone who thinks the UK is not is seriously deluded.

Me and DH chose not to have any children because of overpopulation

Electrical · 17/04/2020 23:19

The mere prospect of having one is the worst possible thing I could do to myself, and the dying planet, I’m not selfish enough to force another consumer into existence and am blissfully childfree, OP, there are lots of secret Facebook childfree women groups, posting here about people indulging their urge to have a kid is pointless. As demonstrated.

BrightlightsSmallvillage · 17/04/2020 23:19

I have two. I pine for a third, but really two is enough. At times I've looked at parents with one kid with envy. Mine argue, seems like it could be a gift to focus attention on one even if this is hard on them as an adult, if not really a child - despite what they may think. That said I've always appreciated being one of three as a sibling, particularly as an adult.

We stopped at two because
a) OH (who is one of two) refused outright
b) concerns that it was (more) selfish to have additional kids because of the planet. When I mentioned this to my NCT group they looked at me like I had three heads never mind kids
c) I'm not going to lie here - biggest reason, my greatest love is travel and it is so much easier to travel as a family of four vs five. This is also why we don't get a dog
d) We started late.OH and I were together since Uni but lived our own lives first. First DC at 35, second at 37 definately wasn't too late for more but we were knackered and were still doing stuff for us like buiding a house, working, emigrating.

We now live in a country, specifically an affluent area of which, where three is probably the norm and four is common. I am grateful I don't need to pay more for activities, camp, doctors & eventually college. I still think of the extra kid we never had but its definitely the idea of who she would be than the reality that I miss. Perhaps I'll get that dog.

Electrical · 17/04/2020 23:19

*posting here about-

BeAnythingBeKind · 17/04/2020 23:20

I have wondered this in the past, but only because a "friend" of mine is currently pregnant with number 7, neither she or her boyfriend work, and since from about baby number 4 she has been bitching on fb about how the council need to sort themselves out and give them a bigger house, how it's not right how a family of there size is expected to be crammed in to a 3 bedroom house with a tiny garden, blah blah blah. Still continues to have more babies, I'll never understand why.

HelloJohnGotANewMotor · 17/04/2020 23:21

5th of 5 here. I don't think my parents had to to "get something out of it". I think they had me to give me life and love me.
They were teachers. 5 was nothing compared to a class of 30...

ANoiseAnnoys · 17/04/2020 23:27

Desiringonlychild

Actually I criticised him for being miserable and selfish - maybe he wouldn’t have made a good dad anyway!

somebodyelseinstead · 17/04/2020 23:27

My grandma was the youngest of 12. My mum the eldest of 4 (Grandma died young so she would probably have had more had she lived longer).

I'm an only (medical reasons), my parents wanted more but couldn't.

I find this all fascinating. Coming from a background where I was the only child, I can't comprehend what life would be like in a big family and to have loads of siblings, nor can I imagine what it would be like to have more than a couple of children yourself. I know several people with four, and I have no idea how they manage. The sheer unrelenting nature of all that laundry, cooking and housework just with four, any more than that is unimaginable to me really.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 17/04/2020 23:29

I’m always intrigued by folk that have more than 2/3 kids as it is so expensive , we both work in moderately well paid jobs and only just afford number 2 ,
Why don’t those guys like the Radcliffe foster or adopt ?

Guylan · 17/04/2020 23:31

On the number of children and carbon footprint, due to illness I couldn’t have children. I would have liked to. It’s only in the last year have I read enough to learn that the thing that adds the most to one’s individual carbon footprint in the developed world is children far above car ownership or flying.

I know fossil fuel industry is the biggest contributor to total carbon emissions that need to come down to avert climate breakdown but considering my carbon footprint is important to me now. So if I was able to start raising a family now in 2020 I think from what I have learnt I would for environmental reasons only choose two. Sure 0 would lessen my carbon footprint considerably more but 2 would seem a compromise. The caveat though is when it came to it I don’t know whether my desire for more than 2 children would outweigh my consideration for my individual carbon footprint.

BramwellBrown · 17/04/2020 23:31

I grew up in a large family (1 of 8) and I really miss it, I had hoped to have a similar size family but having been trying for baby number 3 for 10 years I've had to accept it's not meant to be.

The thing that made me want a big family is I remember what it was like growing up with so many people who love you the way only a sibling can, the games and days out you can only really have as a big group, the adventures and the stories and that you never really have time to be bored or lonely. Growing up everything was so busy and there was always a bit of silliness and something to laugh about. Nothing ever seemed that bad and between us we can fix anything. When mum was ill I had the youngest 4 stay with me, giving me 6 kids with my 2, and honestly it was no more stressful than having my 2 to look after, in some ways actually it was easier because they entertained each other and each chipped in with a chore or two.

BeijingBikini · 17/04/2020 23:35

I don't have a passport and don't travel abroad, so I think this offsets any bad carbon footprint.

Erm....no. Look at any online carbon footprint charts - having kids is the single worst thing you can do for the planet.

I don't have any kids and until recently never wanted any. I like peace and quiet and time to myself, and like having a lazy job where I don't have to do much. I like that I can live comfortably on the "minimum wage" half of my salary and save everything above that. I love sleeping and struggle if I get

Dontstepinthecowpat · 17/04/2020 23:36

I have four and 18 year old me would be horrified, but it just seemed right for us. I grew up with a brother and we had an awful relationship, fighting all the time and really disliked each other. That would be my worst nightmare. Our kids are each other’s best friends, they all adore the youngest and often ask if we will have one more ( we won’t ). I would never have had 4 if we couldn't afford it, they have a room each, each do 3 extra curricular activities each, a tutor if they are struggling with any subjects and we go on holiday at each school break. Bed time stories, staggered bedtimes so they all get some time just with us. I think we are extremely lucky. I am terrified of them getting older and going off the rails like my brother did, but I’m aware my parents did things very differently and we are all just trying our best with the knowledge and resources we have.

It doesn’t happen by magic though, I get up at 6 am and never sit down before 9 pm. I don’t have any hobbies but wouldn’t spend my time doing anything else, I do work 3 days though as I know they won’t need me forever so need a career to get back into.

MunaZaldrizoti · 17/04/2020 23:36

@putastrawunderbaby - "Sadly my xdh left me for a younger woman once I couldn't give him any more children and he now has one on the way with her.
After creating 12 children with you? What an absolute prick? How much maintenance does he pay? Do any of them live with him?

Her husband could have died tragically in a car accident and she would still be raising 12 kids on her own. Never have kids you couldn't manage to raise alone. It's common sense

Tana433 · 17/04/2020 23:38

I planned to and would have loved to have had at least 4 children but i found out after having no2 that my ExDH was a complete tool so had a lucky escape there. By the time i met DH2 i was 38, kids were teenagers and DH didnt want children (he loves mine though, just didnt want to add to the brood) so we didnt.

Tana433 · 17/04/2020 23:40

Now at 47, i sometimes wish i had had more but in this current climate and knowing how much i worry about the two i have even though they are 24 and 27,i made the right choice. There is always grandkids right?!

LavenderLilacTree · 17/04/2020 23:42

Our children bring such joy and happiness and laughter. It really is a case of the more the merrier for us

PeytonManning · 17/04/2020 23:43

Yes, my fourth child is the most brilliant, hilarious, amazingly good looking, insightful and all round fantastic person ever. The world would be a worse place without them. The other 3 were just practice kids.

OR, I accidentally got knocked up 3 months after having No3 and we were like, "OK!" What else were we supposed to do?!

PlanDeRaccordement · 17/04/2020 23:43

I do not agree with counting a child’s carbon footprint as part of the mother and/or fathers footprint. Surely each human gets their own footprint. Otherwise, what is next? Cursing our ancestors for having the biggest carbon footprints ever once you count their thousands of descendants?

GloriaMaximus · 17/04/2020 23:46

@mrsraab. One of the kids (or pretending to be) posted early on in the tread...

MrsRaab · 17/04/2020 23:47

@GloriaMaximus oh dear shows how much attention I've paid Blush

Proudboomer · 17/04/2020 23:48

I am one of two but my uncle had a large double digit family. Only one of his children has gone on to have more than two children and I wouldn’t say that man has a large family as it is more the fact that he just can’t stop impregnating every woman who is stupid enough to shag him and he doesn’t stick around for the bringing them up part.

I personally have two but would have liked three. Stopped at two as husband wasn’t keen on a third and I wouldn’t bring a child into the world unless we both wanted it. As things turned out stopping at two was the right decision for our family and if we had gone on to have a third then our lives would have been quite different and we wouldn’t have been able to afford the life style we had.

ScarfLadysBag · 17/04/2020 23:51

This is an interesting thread. I idly wonder this often too. We are staying at one, not for financial reasons as we could afford at lest one or two more, but because one feels right for us. I think that's because we are both introverts who like a quiet house and a calm lifestyle, with time to ourselves. I was also a very happy only child, and the thought of having siblings filled me with dread when I was a kid! So I guess some of it is what you're used to and whether you enjoyed that upbringing or not and either want to replicate it or to do something completely different. A house full of young children would bring me out in a cold sweat, but others thrive on noise and that kind of chaotic environment and the amount of work it brings. I am just lazy and like my hobbies and time to myself Grin