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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Multiple children

423 replies

UnaCorda · 17/04/2020 21:03

I'll probably be accused of being goady for asking this, but I would genuinely like to hear people's thoughts and explanations.

What causes people to decide to have a large family? I mean, assuming it was planned, what did you expect to get out of having four, five or six children - or more - that you didn't get from the first one, two or three? Did it turn out how you imagined?

Obviously this will vary between couples, but do people dispassionately consider the impact on their finances, the available space in their home, demands on their time, the effect on existing children, the toll it takes on your body, and the ramifications for the planet?

Or is it simply a question of procreation being an instinctual drive which, for a lot of people, is too strong to ignore and overrides all practicalities?

Also, if you would have liked to have had a large family but decided against it, what influenced your decision?

Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
Cruddles · 17/04/2020 22:39

" those people who give a shit about the environment should have none, otherwise they'd be hypocrites. I don't give a shit, that's why i have loads"

SunshineCake · 17/04/2020 22:39

I have three and feel like we have a big family but that could be because I have a lot of animals and I lost two children so feel mum of five, secretly.

I had a shitty childhood. Wanted love, to give it and hopefully receive it. Trying to fill a hole in my heart.

Highfivemum · 17/04/2020 22:39

I have just had my 6 th. All planned and all very much wanted. My DH and I wanted a large family. We are fortunate lucky enough to provide for them all. I love having my DC around me and they all have a fantastic time enjoying each other’s company. Why ask the question. ? Is it because you are contemplating a large family ?

willowflower19 · 17/04/2020 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MunaZaldrizoti · 17/04/2020 22:43

The planet is absolutely NOT overpopulated

Easy to say when you live in a developed country and do not have to struggle for resources like water. Also, have you heard of climate change? Hmm

willowflower19 · 17/04/2020 22:45

That said, I've heard a few accounts from people who grew up as only children and who have decided to have a big family because they don't want their own children to experience the same loneliness.

Interesting how different experiences shape us all differently :)

recycledbottle · 17/04/2020 22:46

I have only one child. I would have loved more but couldnt. Im from a large family but didnt like it as little parental support and also you take on the parental jobs for younger siblings. I have a few friends from big families who said the same thing but anyone I know with a big family claims they do it all, as my mother did. Dont believe them personally. If you can afford it and are happy to do all the work associated with having a bigger family then its nobodies business. Kids would be happy enough in this type of family. If the parents do all the work.

pisces12 · 17/04/2020 22:49

My DP is one of 10, one of his siblings has 8 and most of the others have 2 and might have more, they love being part of a big family.
His parents are catholic and dad had a good job, which meant they had a good childhood, went on more holidays than i did as one of 3.

Mary46 · 17/04/2020 22:50

I have 2 find it plenty with work and other things. 3 in childcare is pricey but had sick parent for years too. My friends have 2 kids or 3 kids. Nice at xmas though with small kids.

RunSoICanEatCheese · 17/04/2020 22:52

We stopped at 2 because we wanted to make sure we could afford private school for them (not everyone’s choice but it is ours) and still be able to provide all the things we want financially eg a holiday every year, treats, days out etc.

Also we didn’t want to spread ourselves too thin across many children. At the moment we can easily give each child 1-1 and sometimes 2-1 attention. We have a boy and a girl and a nice 2 year age gap. Even if I was to get pregnant now, the gap between our eldest and the baby would be 5.5 years and that’s not something I’d choose.

Those are the main reasons. I also found being pregnant uncomfortable and wouldn’t want to put my body through another labour. I’m 35 this year and aware that the health risks for mother and baby increase after this age, and I have other children to consider if things were to go wrong.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 17/04/2020 22:52

I have a feeling a lot of people model the family they were in as a child. So if you were one of 3 or 4, you will somehow feel things are incomplete if you have 1 or 2.

Exception is often people from very large families who often don’t want as many as their parents, especially if they’re the oldest.

I have 1, I would have liked a second but it wasn’t to be. I am one of two. I found the early years very hard and by the time DD was at school I would absolutely not have wanted another - the moment was past.

When other people talk about drudgery I’m sure they mean the washing / feeding / ensuring child is in the right place with right stuff at right time, not any quality time you have with your children!

fairislecable · 17/04/2020 22:56

After dc no 1 I decided this was hard work and I would have no more.

18 months later enter dc no 2, conceived and delivered, with copper 7 IUD.

2 years later dc 3 & 4 , condom failure whilst on the NHS waiting list for vasectomy,

At this point we gave up on the waiting list and splashed out on the credit card for vasectomy.

It was hard work but I am so glad that fate did the choosing, I loved having 4 children.

YesIDoLoveCrisps · 17/04/2020 22:59

I feel that it’s seems to be acceptable to criticise large families. It’s ok to say ‘well they never spend time with each child’ but less likely to be ok to say the same thing about a working mum.

PostSpecific · 17/04/2020 23:01

Youngest of 3 and I often felt left out and lonely so I refuse to go for an odd number of kids!

Ginfordinner · 17/04/2020 23:04

When other people talk about drudgery I’m sure they mean the washing / feeding / ensuring child is in the right place with right stuff at right time

Spot on. When I was hanging sheets on the line the other day I was thinking thank goodness I only have sheets from two beds to hang out.

ScarletFever · 17/04/2020 23:04

@n00bMaster69

You weave lentils, and knit yogurt, that's where you are going wrong Grin

ANoiseAnnoys · 17/04/2020 23:06

I have 4. I really enjoy having children/being a mum - it’s great having a brood, I’ve never regretted it. It’s like having your own gang and I like the ‘busyness’ in my life - it keeps me and dh young. Can’t wait to hopefully have loads of grandkids too.

I don’t understand people who can have children, who choose not to. I also don’t really understand those who could have more but stop at one child, however it’s none of my damn business really and whatever makes people happy you know?
I will say though that the most miserable, self centred and naval-gazing people I know are my dB and his wife, childless by choice, both in their 50’s and obsessed with their health and finances (they are healthy and financially secure but still obsess about, imo, the most ridiculous things. I think it’s because they have nothing to think about but themselves).

We can afford to give our dc’s a nice life. If we were poor I’m not so sure I would’ve had as many, but who knows?

MrsRaab · 17/04/2020 23:08

Amazed the Redford family have not been mentioned yet

Desiringonlychild · 17/04/2020 23:10

For the same reason I want 1 child I suppose. It feels right

Mumalu · 17/04/2020 23:10

I have 4 under 12 I don't know why but why not I was an only child and it was boring 🤷 I love the hectic

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 17/04/2020 23:11

Most of my friends with big families are religious, so I think that plays a big part. But they are loving families with happy kids, which I think says a lot. I’m an only child myself and always knew I wanted more than one. I do think some of the very big families (like the ones on that reality tv show) that it’s too much, but that’s extremely rare.

Squirrelfan · 17/04/2020 23:11

I often wonder this. I think it's a combination of timing - meeting a partner early enough, personality - I think you have to be a pretty easygoing person, finances, and luck- the pregnancy and baby you're gifted with need to be easy enough to want to do it again! When I was growing up (an only), I wanted loads of kids, but we started latish and I found I was a really anxious mother; I still am. My DC also have SN. I would love to be a part of a large family but the thought of being responsible for so many others' wellbeing (and all the administrative stuff!) is overwhelming. It's hard enough with two. What I would like to know is how do mums of many kids deal with the worry /anxiety/guilt across so many kids?

Slowslowlavaflow · 17/04/2020 23:15

Hello OP,

I am the eldest of two, where the youngest is 19 years my junior. I was always on my own with my mother, so have always had the mindset that small and intimate is the way to go. We are very close, and the fact that my mother had my sister when I was an adult, meant that she could bond with my sister the same way she did with me, whilst I left home and ventured into the world.

I now have my own family. We have a 3.5 year old son, and whilst we would love more children, and toy with the idea often, we cannot currently accept the financial, time, and logistical strain, as well as stress another child would be for my husband and I. I return to work full time in a London city post in autumn and still have no idea how my husband and I will juggle the morning school run with work, as we both need to leave home before 7am. We will be imposing on my parents who live 20 miles away, for after school babysitting, which bothers us greatly already, as they have their own busy lives and my sister to deal with. If we have another child, we would lose an income, but I would be able to care for my 3.5 year olds school needs and not bother my parents. However, the current problem would occur again in 4 years time.

In reality, I am happy with the one. It is what I know, feel I can handle, and am comfortable with; The intimacy of a small family. Having said that, if money was not an issue, I would have had another 2 years ago. All children need the company of other children, siblings being ideal. Although I was an only child growing up, I grew up freely playing outside with no care and no worry of something bad happening to me, running around with the neighbourhood kids, exploring, and having adventures. I didn't stay at home, nor did I need a sibling to play with. My son on the other hand, is living a more indoors life and cannot spend his energy the way I did, which can be frustrating for him. It would have been nice if he had the company of another child. Matter of fact, he asks for a sister often, and has even named her. It is all somewhat sad.

lucie8881 · 17/04/2020 23:16

I had 3DC in relatively quick succession in my early to mid 20's during my first marriage. We parted and in my mid 30's I remarried, went on to have another DC and am currently pregnant with DC5 (definitely my last)

A few things influenced these choices. I love babies and toddlers, I love the hustle and bustle of family life, financially it was doable, I enjoy how the children interact with each other and I enjoy the relationship I have with my older children. Perhaps if the older 3 hadn't got along so well I may not of been in such a hurry to have more, but they did so l never found it too stressful.

Another big factor was that my second husband had no children and whilst content with being a step-parent, we felt it would complete the family.

If I hadn't divorced I'm fairly sure I would have stopped at 3, but I'm happy with how things have turned out.

Pitaramus · 17/04/2020 23:18

I have three and I really want another. It’s not about having a large family in terms of numbers or business. I just really enjoy each and every stage and now my youngest is 2.5 I’m feeling really like I need to do it again as I’m loving this time with him so much!

And I love watching how the older two enjoy their younger sibling and the special bond they all have.