Mil text reply. Aibu?

[Lalla525]

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

Have had my own infertility battle and hate the all will be wells and have you tried this responses BUT I have learnt that people who have no experience with stuff like this have no idea how to respond so yes it is shit but I would lower expectations

What do you want her to say? I’m not sure I’d have shared that level of detail with my MIL!

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time, but honestly I don't think there's an issue with her reply at all.

What exactly do you want her to say? She’s being supportive still. YABU op.

It sounds fine to me. I don't think you are being reasonable to expect her to have read your mind in order to give the answer you were hoping for.

It's a nice reply 🤷‍♀️

There's nothing wrong with her answer, I had difficult pregnancies and I preferred that sort of answer over a barrage of questions.

I wouldn't find it helpful either but it's clearly just a well intentioned response from someone who doesn't know what to say.

Also, you've told her the next steps, why would you expect her to ask what they are? And she hasn't said it will all be fine, she's thanked you for keeping her up to date and encouraged you to relax. I really think you are overreacting.

Im sorry you’re having a tough time, but I do feel a bit sorry for them. You’ve not told them anything until recently. They probably don’t know how to respond to you, or what you are wanting/needing from them.

That sort of information is probably best given in a phone call. They might not even fully understand what you are talking about too

It sounds like she was trying to be kind and supportive to me

Interesting use of jazz hands emoji from MIL

I think her reply is fine, not sure what you think is wrong with it?

It's sometimes difficult to put what you want to say in a text message without going all waffly, but this is fine as it goes. Maybe you could actually speak to each other then she will probably ask you more and be more supportive and sympathetic.

"36 weeks? What date so I can be in the waiting /delivery room.."
Then you could have complained!!

She is being kind. And having to tread on eggshells. YABU.

Seems fine. Understandable you are on edge. I read your message and thought she’d replied something like why are you eating chocolate if you need a diabetes test. Her reply seems very mild and kindly meant.

I think it's fine too. I will say that when going through complications of my own I did find that no answer for me would be the right answer, because I was in a bit of a state and felt no one could truly understand, does that resonate?

She is not your therapist.
Im sure it has been a difficult path but it's yr path not hers. She cannot know 100% how it feels. How could she possibly know what EXACTLY the right response would be.

She may get it right, she may get it wrong. There will be more of that ahead. No doubt it is a tightrope for her to walk.
And yet she is trying.

Stop expecting her to instinctively know what would leave you feeling the least anxious.

Anxiety is not one size fits all.

There is no formula for her to stick to.

Suspect she thinks the jazz hands are a hug.

Op, the response is fine, she’s trying to be nice and supportive. Maybe the situation is stressing you out more than you realise which is why you’re being a bit unreasonable.

Most MIL complaints are about them being overbearing. I think her response is kind and supportive without being prying

You’ve told her the next steps. I don’t think there is anything wrong with her answer, she just hasn’t answered it in your preferred manner which is fine. I hate the fact that my husband mainly just sends 1 word texts but that’s just how he texts! You are being over sensitive to that I think.

It sounds like you may have something similar to what I had with my first by the way, sorry if I’m wrong there - is it vasa praevia or something similar to that?

It’s fine. I had an emergency c section after weeks in hospital and a prior infertility battle / baby loss. There isn’t really any manual for how others should respond / react / support and people honestly don’t understand what it feels like.
I was in hospital forever both before and after baby’s birth (he was in neonatal) and people kept saying to me ‘enjoy the rest’ and I hated it. Absolutely hated it. But they don’t understand. Focus on your family.
Rest assured people are thinking about you.

What do you want her to say? You sound hard work.

I have the loveliest MIL you could ever hope to meet and this is the kind of thing she'd write via text and I know 100% that she'd mean it in the kindest, most supportive way possible. Please remember it's very difficult to know how to respond sometimes - I struggle too and feet so stressed about trying to say the right thing it takes me days to respond, and even then I don't always get it right. She might not even understand what you've written but be too embarrassed to ask. YABVU.