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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil text reply. Aibu?

499 replies

Lalla525 · 17/04/2020 13:16

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

Mil text reply. Aibu?
OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
buckeejit · 17/04/2020 14:05

Yabu she will most likely be trying her best & just because she isn't providing the words you need right now doesn't mean she doesn't love you & hope for the best m. Everything else is outside of her control & yours. She'd likely be very upset to know that you feel so negatively about her reply

It's understandable that you're incredibly anxious with all you've been through already. Try not to overthink other peoples words & focus on your household& being prepared & enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. Good luck & congratulations x

SpillTheTeaa · 17/04/2020 14:05

I personally think the reply is fine but for me I wouldn't want my MIL to go into a lot of detail as I'm not close with her so don't feel comfortable talking to her about things like that. Probably why I think the reply is fine. Do you have anyone else you can discuss this with?

Toothsil · 17/04/2020 14:06

Now, 10 years after being in the situation of having a very early c section, it sounds ok and supportive enough for a person who doesn't know what it's like to be in your position, BUT back when I was in your position, it would have upset me. I think people don't really understand or know the best thing to say in situations like this. I hope you're ok and all is as well as can be expected. Flowers

wowjustwowyes17262 · 17/04/2020 14:06

@Lalla525 I think your MIL might just not know what to say, she knows that you hate certain types of comments so probably will therefore find it difficult to reply.

I didn’t tell my parents nor ILs the true extent of how high risk my pregnancy was, as I didn’t want to worry them. She was born as planned at 37 weeks and was fine; only now I’ve told them the true extent. I had scans every 2 weeks from 18 weeks and consultant as well.

I don’t think there is much more your MIL can say to be honest, good luck - hope all goes well.

SpillTheTea · 17/04/2020 14:07

Your wording is more odd than her reply. What else did you expect her to say to that? She's not being dismissive at all and you're being way too sensitive.

NearlyGranny · 17/04/2020 14:07

If I were your Mil, I think I would simply have sent a heart to show love and concern. The thing that gets me is the word 'keep'. You can't keep relaxed unless you are relaxed to start with. Clearly you're not, and can't be. She ought to get that.

But I'd leave it. She won't understand what she's done wrong and it won't help anybody. I'd forgive her the jazz hands - she hasn't got a clue.

Just make sure your DH has a word so that she never tells you afterwards that she knew all along there was really nothing to worry about. She rather looks like someone who might...

Cnoc · 17/04/2020 14:08

It's not that your DP is 'right', OP, more that if he grew up with your MIL, he's likely to be attuned to her response type as normal. (Whereas I really, really enjoy my DH's optimism and calmness, because I grew up around parents and grandparents who considered themselves 'unlucky' and natural victims, and always assumed the worst would happen.)

Very best wishes to you for the rest of the pregnancy. I can imagine you're on edge, but it's great you got a diagnosis in good time and a clear plan to ensure the safety of you and your baby.

saraclara · 17/04/2020 14:08

Nobody but you is ever going to be interested in your exposed veins.....

Heh! My immediate response, too! Way TMI for a mother in law. No wonder she didn't want to get too involved in the conversation.
And yep, I agree with everyone else. A perfectly sweet and pleasant response from her.

redwinefine · 17/04/2020 14:08

Seems absolutely fine. It's normal to be hormonal during pregnancy so she'll understand, as should your DP

Cinders29 · 17/04/2020 14:09

I had an extremely stressful pregnancy with my first. He had a congenital brain condition which required caesarean at 36 weeks.

Whilst, I actually don't think your MIL is was being dismissive and that it's a lovely text. I do remember overreacting at people. I dunno why, just always expected more of folk at the time. It's hard to think clearly and logically when your undergoing stress so I don't blame you for reacting the way you did, but I would possibly advise to take a step back and try to be rational.

I've always learnt after having to two children and 9 years down the line. It's also actually quite difficult for MILs - you're not their daughter and so she probably doesn't want to come across as too strong etc , it's possible she'd love
To do more but may wait until she has been asked.

All the best with the section ( they're really not too bad ) and welcoming your beautiful baby soon x

muckycat · 17/04/2020 14:09

I keep using jazz hands thinking it means 'hug'. Oops.

WeAllHaveWings · 17/04/2020 14:11

Nothing wrong with her reply, it is a text message acknowledging yours, hoping you aren't too anxious and she will speak to you soon about it, followed with a hug and kisses. Cant see anything to criticise there at all!

Tell us what an acceptable reply would have been?

butterpuffed · 17/04/2020 14:11

I think she's being nice and trying to reassure you without intruding by asking for more details . Everyone uses different expressions.

Wearywithteens · 17/04/2020 14:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

maras2 · 17/04/2020 14:12

Holy Christ,love. Pick your battles. Shock
Such a shame that you're having such a bad time but if I'd ever mentioned cervix and veins to my lovely late MIL, she'd have fainted in shock or had a fit of the vapours.
Flowers for you and best wishes for your upcoming CS. Mx.

WeAllHaveWings · 17/04/2020 14:12

on my phone if you type hug the hug/jazz hands come up, I always assumed it was just a hug

20viona · 17/04/2020 14:12

I think she's trying to be nice and probably doesn't dare say much else. Good luck.

Toothsil · 17/04/2020 14:16

Just read some of the other replies and I think people are being very harsh. My baby was born at 27 weeks and what I did learn while she was in NICU was that an early baby is an early baby, whether it's 36 weeks or 24 weeks they can still have problems, so obviously it's a very stressful and anxious time for you. Some pregnancies can be truly awful, scary and even dangerous, and it's not nice when you have problems.

Poppybeaumydarlinggirl · 17/04/2020 14:16

The reply is ok but it’s a closed conversation she didn’t try to open up anything.
My mil didn’t even acknowledge my pregnancy she’s hated me for 20 years. I wish I had a tiny bit of love and support from mine but thats another thread.

Devlesko · 17/04/2020 14:17

I think that reply is fine, I'm not sure I'd have said much more to my dil as i haven't been through any of that myself.
I'd be scared of saying the wrong thing tbh, but I doubt my dil would share so much info with me tbh, perhaps her own mum, but not me. I wouldn't expect her to either.

ladymary86 · 17/04/2020 14:18

I think your MIL's response is lovely.

Out of curiosity, what kind of reply were you hoping for OP? What would you have said if the roles were reversed?

Faffandahalf · 17/04/2020 14:18

OP even your last post here is so prickly and simmering. You can just tell that you’re pissed off with comments like ‘it’s just part of their personality’ to be so supportive which is what I like. ‘Personal preference’.
It’s all very passive aggressive and snarky.

Your MIL is not a mind reader. You talk about not getting a reaction you liked.

Can you not see how bizarre it is that you expect people to react in just the right way that you want them to and anything other than that is wrong??
People are not robots whose function is to behave in ways that are completely emotionally attuned to your thoughts and feelings.

Your dislike of MIL is clear to people here. Imagine how she feels constantly having to formulate the appropriate replies to you without you getting mad. Poor woman.

MrsSeverusSnape · 17/04/2020 14:19

Her reply is fine, I'd have been lucky to get any reply at all from my MIL never mine a hug Grin

I think YABU, but it's understandable given everything going on at the moment. Enjoy the chocolate and be kind to yourself.

Mil text reply. Aibu?
Snaketime · 17/04/2020 14:19

It reads to me like she wasn't trying to be dismissive or intrusive, but still show concern. I know when you are anxious due to the complications staying relaxed isn't easy, but it is better for your health and the babies to try and stay as relaxed as possible. It was a perfectly reasonable response, I think it is just because you are understandably stressed and anxious that you are reading more into it.
Without being dismissive OP because you are in a shit position right now but try and take care and take time to try and relax.

Teenangels · 17/04/2020 14:20

I think the answer is completely fine and you are over reacting.
36 weeks is classed as prem but by days, prem would be 28 weeks etc, I am saying this as someone who had early babies.
You say that you are having a test for diabetes and then say you are eating a load of chocolate, makes you sound a little foolish.
You sound like you are looking to make issues.